Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

pajama · 01-12-2012, 06:52 AM

I am usually very particular about who/how I make my own opinions of people. I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.

But I openly admit I am a HUGE gossip.

A

Tawse · 01-12-2012, 06:57 AM

Having been in both positions. (really is there a person who has NEVER asked another persons opinion about someone??? really????)

I like Gemma's approach - both in giving and receiving.

I've had my best friend have an all out feud with someone and yet I befriended that person despite that.

I'll listen to what you have to say - and then I'll use MY brain to see what I think. But I do appreciate being warned that XYZ enjoys smoking pot... because I have issues with that and would probably wonder why a friend failed to mention that fact to me if they knew my issues with the subject matter.

*Anya* · 01-12-2012, 07:07 AM

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

Chancie · 01-12-2012, 07:18 AM

I wouldn't be having this conversation at all with someone I did not know very well, and who did not know me very well.

I would share information about someone I knew well, but not someone with whom I had merely interacted a few times online.

I would share my impressions of someone I interacted with online, but I would be clear that I had never met the person and that I was just relating what I knew of them superficially.

I would not filter what I shared based on my personal interpretation of what I thought that person needed to hear. That's none of my business.

In most cases, if someone wants to know something specific, I usually encourage them to ask the other person directly.

But, if I have concrete first hand knowledge of behavior which I believe to be dangerous to others, I would certainly take the risk of sharing that information, regardless of whether I had been asked, and regardless of the potential fall out.

Shadownthemind · 01-15-2012, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

I agree with you. When asked what I think of someone I only speak what I know from first hand experiance not from what others have told me

AtLast · 01-16-2012, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

This situation always feels set up for failure to me.

Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it?

They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing.

I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip.

I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said.

Most of the time, I think it is a set-up, too. Yes, the "telephone game" remains!

If I have actual, personal information about something like a person being dangerous (physically or emotionally), I would disclose it. But, the thing that I am more interested in with this whole matter is the "motovation" behind the question(s).

Even when I have had a falling-out with someone, I still keep whatever we may have shared confidential. It's called having honor and integrity.

1QuirkyKiwi · 01-12-2012, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pajara2

I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself.

When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed.

A

This is me to a T! I take each person on their own merit....should the gossip turn out to be true, then I at least know this from my own experiences.

I don't always get this courtesy back and some have admitted they were wrong about me and apologised.

Glenn · 01-12-2012, 09:16 AM

Sweet; Slowly, with time, You actually will achieve that zenlike feeling of existence that is of the utmost importance: YOU TRULY WON'T GIVE A ****.

LaneyDoll · 01-12-2012, 09:44 AM

My answer would depend on the parties involved. If a close, trusted friend were to ask the question, they are more likely to get an in-depth answer. If the asker was someone I barely knew or someone I am unsure of, they are going to get factual answers only.

Most of the people I interact with are in my lifestyle community. Since I am probably considered to be a leader in this community, I have to often stay neutral/unbiased etc. My reputation took years to earn and I will not throw it away on anything that could be perceived as gossip.

Honey · 01-12-2012, 11:07 AM

I think too we must ask of ourselves and others- Is this who that person IS .or is this who that person is with ME. Also, ppl change over time...I know I am not the same person today that I was 10 yrs ago...ppl change , learn, process and evolve...If they are doing it correctly.....

starryeyes · 01-12-2012, 11:41 AM

Refrain!! Make your own assumptions. Everyone has different perspectives. I have heard crap about people before I met them, and they ended up being amazing folks!

But! If you hear they might be dangerous or something like that... I would look into it.

Nat · 01-12-2012, 01:11 PM

Recently a friend sent me a Facebook message asking if an ex of mine was "safe" because she was meeting him for lunch after meeting him through my Facebook. I have thought they would be a great match for some time but a mutual friend mentioned this woman tears men to shreds. And so I responded - "way safer than you! But seriously I'm not sure what your definition of "safe" is, but he won't rape or kill you or anything and he's a pretty good conversationalist."

She found this funny and said he was a "sweetie" but I think it might have been a one time meeting, alas. They really would make an excellent couple.

I will talk people up, but I'm really trying not to speak badly about people or share info that's not mine to share.

The older I get the more I realize we all have flaws, and even if I have had a bad experience with a person, that doesn't mean another person would. When I was single, I was warned about pretty much every person I flirted with by some person or other, and most of those warnings never applied. The warnings I should have heeded were the ones who warned me about themselves.

For people I consider premeditatedly predatory, I prefer not to speak about them either. Besides, anybody with healthy boundaries and google can find a list of red flags and be willing to utilize it.

Apocalipstic · 01-12-2012, 11:41 AM

In our community it is important that we be able to ask for references or know that someone is who they say they are. I think being able to ask a few questions and get references is a way to stay safe.

Beyond that, I agree that we all have different interactions with different people and react really differently to different people. Also, as humans we grow and change. Just because someone used to drink a lot, or used to be a jerk does not mean they still are...or that they will be a jerk to you.

People act really differently when they are having all their buttons pushed. I myself act really differently depending on how I am treated. We ALL do.

So I would answer the question but make sure they know that it's my opinion and reaction to this person, and that their experience might be different.

(shhhhhh!!!! Strappie has an icing addiction shhhhhhh!!!! gossip alert)

View Poll Results: flip a qoin?
yes....	8	14.81%
no....	6	11.11%
depends on person /situation	40	74.07%
Voters: 54. You may not vote on this poll

01-12-2012, 07:07 AM	#3
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,791 Times in 7,290 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	This situation always feels set up for failure to me. Do they really want the truth as you personally see it and have personally experienced it? They may not really be asking for truth, just validation of what they have already decided to do or what they want to keep on doing. I would only share what my personal experience was- not gossip. I remember playing the "telephone game" as a kid and what the last person heard was never what the first person said. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

01-12-2012, 09:44 AM	#9
LaneyDoll Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Girly girl femme Preferred Pronoun?: She; Ma'am; Miss ;) Relationship Status: Pitbull protected. Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 2,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,892 Thanked 7,686 Times in 1,608 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	My answer would depend on the parties involved. If a close, trusted friend were to ask the question, they are more likely to get an in-depth answer. If the asker was someone I barely knew or someone I am unsure of, they are going to get factual answers only. Most of the people I interact with are in my lifestyle community. Since I am probably considered to be a leader in this community, I have to often stay neutral/unbiased etc. My reputation took years to earn and I will not throw it away on anything that could be perceived as gossip. __________________ There are beauties who stop traffic and then there are beauties who grow obsessively in the hearts of the susceptible.

01-12-2012, 11:41 AM	#11
starryeyes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: a round peg in a square hole Preferred Pronoun?: Guess... Relationship Status: Seat taken Join Date: May 2011 Location: Rocky Mountain High Posts: 2,491 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,199 Thanked 10,056 Times in 2,077 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Refrain!! Make your own assumptions. Everyone has different perspectives. I have heard crap about people before I met them, and they ended up being amazing folks! But! If you hear they might be dangerous or something like that... I would look into it. __________________ "It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to fall down. Get up! Look sickening....and make them eat it!" - Latrice Royale Starry

01-12-2012, 01:11 PM	#12
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender Preferred Pronoun?: whatevs Relationship Status: in a relationship Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Tx Posts: 3,535 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,042 Thanked 13,992 Times in 2,594 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Recently a friend sent me a Facebook message asking if an ex of mine was "safe" because she was meeting him for lunch after meeting him through my Facebook. I have thought they would be a great match for some time but a mutual friend mentioned this woman tears men to shreds. And so I responded - "way safer than you! But seriously I'm not sure what your definition of "safe" is, but he won't rape or kill you or anything and he's a pretty good conversationalist." She found this funny and said he was a "sweetie" but I think it might have been a one time meeting, alas. They really would make an excellent couple. I will talk people up, but I'm really trying not to speak badly about people or share info that's not mine to share. The older I get the more I realize we all have flaws, and even if I have had a bad experience with a person, that doesn't mean another person would. When I was single, I was warned about pretty much every person I flirted with by some person or other, and most of those warnings never applied. The warnings I should have heeded were the ones who warned me about themselves. For people I consider premeditatedly predatory, I prefer not to speak about them either. Besides, anybody with healthy boundaries and google can find a list of red flags and be willing to utilize it. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl

01-12-2012, 06:52 AM	#1
pajama Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Klingon Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Just South of Nashvegas Baby Posts: 3,115 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,546 Thanked 7,480 Times in 1,809 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I am usually very particular about who/how I make my own opinions of people. I tend not to listen to other peoples gossip about how people are, I just get to know them on my own. We are all different, to some degree, in different situations. So I try to refrain from making an opinion about someone until I get to know them myself. When asked about someone. I'm honest. I am also extremely honest is pointing out that what I am saying is ONLY MY OPINION. I also don't relay what I've heard about someone from a third party, unless it is the same conclusion that I have come to. I only keep it to what I have observed. But I openly admit I am a HUGE gossip. A

01-12-2012, 06:57 AM	#2
Tawse Member How Do You Identify?: TG Gender Queer Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Atlanta Posts: 730 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,973 Thanked 2,739 Times in 644 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Having been in both positions. (really is there a person who has NEVER asked another persons opinion about someone??? really????) I like Gemma's approach - both in giving and receiving. I've had my best friend have an all out feud with someone and yet I befriended that person despite that. I'll listen to what you have to say - and then I'll use MY brain to see what I think. But I do appreciate being warned that XYZ enjoys smoking pot... because I have issues with that and would probably wonder why a friend failed to mention that fact to me if they knew my issues with the subject matter.

01-12-2012, 07:18 AM	#4
Chancie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme-inist Relationship Status: I'm lucky. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Western Mass Posts: 3,697 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,239 Thanked 14,359 Times in 2,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I wouldn't be having this conversation at all with someone I did not know very well, and who did not know me very well. I would share information about someone I knew well, but not someone with whom I had merely interacted a few times online. I would share my impressions of someone I interacted with online, but I would be clear that I had never met the person and that I was just relating what I knew of them superficially. I would not filter what I shared based on my personal interpretation of what I thought that person needed to hear. That's none of my business. In most cases, if someone wants to know something specific, I usually encourage them to ask the other person directly. But, if I have concrete first hand knowledge of behavior which I believe to be dangerous to others, I would certainly take the risk of sharing that information, regardless of whether I had been asked, and regardless of the potential fall out.

01-12-2012, 09:16 AM	#8
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Dear Ol Butch Bones Preferred Pronoun?: Old Thing Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,546 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,597 Thanked 3,732 Times in 1,096 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Sweet; Slowly, with time, You actually will achieve that zenlike feeling of existence that is of the utmost importance: YOU TRULY WON'T GIVE A ****.

01-12-2012, 11:07 AM	#10
Honey Member How Do You Identify?: big femme heart..... in a tight girlie package Preferred Pronoun?: just call me Honey Relationship Status: Playin' 4 keeps with Tomboi1982 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New England Posts: 306 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 316 Thanked 613 Times in 184 Posts Rep Power: 10762766	I think too we must ask of ourselves and others- Is this who that person IS .or is this who that person is with ME. Also, ppl change over time...I know I am not the same person today that I was 10 yrs ago...ppl change , learn, process and evolve...If they are doing it correctly.....

01-12-2012, 11:41 AM	#13
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,382 Times in 2,839 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	In our community it is important that we be able to ask for references or know that someone is who they say they are. I think being able to ask a few questions and get references is a way to stay safe. Beyond that, I agree that we all have different interactions with different people and react really differently to different people. Also, as humans we grow and change. Just because someone used to drink a lot, or used to be a jerk does not mean they still are...or that they will be a jerk to you. People act really differently when they are having all their buttons pushed. I myself act really differently depending on how I am treated. We ALL do. So I would answer the question but make sure they know that it's my opinion and reaction to this person, and that their experience might be different. (shhhhhh!!!! Strappie has an icing addiction shhhhhhh!!!! gossip alert) __________________