Passing - Is it a Privilege?

[always2late]

I never gave much thought to privilege, until my ex and I were having dinner at a very nice restaurant and she asked me to come with her to the bathroom to "run interference". And then it hit me how much I take for granted. I can walk into a bathroom anywhere without being harassed, having someone call security, or even (and this has happened to my ex) having some woman grab me before I walk in and yell that I am going into the wrong bathroom.

Although I never realized it, or even really thought about it, I am afforded a great amount of privilege because I don't "look gay". I was never abused in school or targeted by bullies, I have never been denied a job just because of who I am, I have never been harassed on the street, I have never been smirked at, yelled at, cursed at, lectured to, or had someone attempt to "save" me. My son is not teased, and when I take him to the park I am not looked at surreptitiously and suspiciously. I make no secret of the fact that I am gay, but I can't deny that I get a pass because of the way I look.

[chefhmboyrd]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

AtLastHome,

I, too, have a real problem with your post to Chef. Please explain, especially, these statements:

..."I find your post not only narcissistic, rude, arrogant and ignorant, it is an affront to this website and the B-F community".... Look it up!.....What the hell island do you think you live on?" / endquote

Similar to Dylan request, what is it exactly that has roused such inflammatory feelings towards Chef's post?


You have--on many occasions--purported yourself to be a trans ally and, yet, I question your previous statements when I read this post tonight.

Dylan and HSIN,
thanks for the support.

i am not sure how i managed to offend anyone. i was just speaking of my experience.

it's not that i don't care about the community, i just don't buy in to all the PC crap. i could say the cow is black and someone gets offended.

it's almost like i have more trouble with the LRGBLT community than anyone else, because of the collective chip on the shoulder, and people are quick to be offended. almost looking for a fight

i'm not a fighter, i am a survivor, and it is ALH's right and "Priviledge" to not to agree or like me. (that is the type of thing that i don't give a rats ass about)

@

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Dylan, that is not what I am doing or want to do. I was offended by a total disregard for the fact that there exist many that support and have worked hard for transgendered people. And that it stuck in my craw that someone doesn't give a rat's ass about this when this very site is part of a community of very diverse populations. A community...

You are taking this way out of context. You know very well where I stand on trans politics.

So, allies, relatives and supporters of transgendered and intergendered people are their oppressors? Having some humility and recognizing that there is much to be grateful for is something I cherish. I wake up every day with the knowledge that so much is much bigger than myself and my own trials and tribulations even when they have been many and difficult (although, most people go through some shit). I'm grateful for being alive and able to contribute to what exists outside myself. Yes, personally, I get tired of people (in general) that only view the world in terms of themselves and don’t recognize how interconnected we all really are. I give a big rat's ass about people and their struggles. You know this. I do not suffer self-absorption well, never have, never will and make no bones about this… and won’t.

I really don't feel like getting into this with you. I have great regard for you and like you very much. We have had our site ups and downs, but I believe have much in common with queer politics. I am not taking this to task as you are just not understanding what I am upset about.

Obviously, other people have things to post that are important to them and have moved on. I am moving on....

I'm numbering, because I'm on my first cup o' coffee...not because I'm being short.

1. You've said this before, and I'll say the same thing back. I have no idea what your trans politics are besides what you post on these sites. I have respect for your posts as well; however, again, we don't know each other from anywhere else but these posts.

2. No where in Chef's post does he say anything about 'screw those people'. In fact, he very clearly stated how he stands up for everyone in the GLBTQ community.

So, what's the problem? Because he said, "People are going to think what people want to think, and I don't give a rat's ass"?

3. Just because someone's an ally, it doesn't mean they're not part of the oppressing group. And honestly, self-professed allies are quite problematic anyways. As part of the 'oppressing' group, One is an oppressor. Self-professed allies are the worst, because usually they're looking for a big thank you without actually doing any work. They want a big pat on the back for 'being there'. I don't trust anyone who names themselves an 'ally'...because usually they're also the first ones to say something offensive and get mad when you call them on it...and then remind you what a big 'ally' they are. No, the trans community doesn't 'owe' anyone else a thank you.

4. I just don't see the self-absorption you see in Chef's post, and that's cool. People read things differently.

5. Telling me not to 'forget my roots' is telling me what to do. First off, you don't even know 'my roots'. And what exactly do you mean by that? What do you assume my roots are? That seems a pretty arrogant thing to say, no?

Or how about the history lesson on 'The Trans Movement'? The arrogance of that statement, and your continued idea that Second Wavers 'started The Trans Movement', and your continued 'correcting' of trans history is quite bothersome. Perhaps, YOU should 'look it up' when exactly the Trans Movement started and by whom. Because it didn't start in the 60s. It started long before that...it blew up in the 60s and 70s as did EVERY movement...and in part BECAUSE of the animosity from the Second Wave community (Janice Raymond, Mary Daly, etc)

Telling me whom I need to thank is telling me what to do.
I don't owe cis people anymore of a thank you than I owe straight people or rich people. How about I tell you to thank men for all they've done to *help* you and 'remember your place'?

Have you thanked a trans person lately for Stonewall? For starting so much shit in the 60s?

Trans people don't owe their oppressors a big hearty kiss on the cheek. And if self-professed 'allies' think they need a thank you, they're in it for the wrong reasons. P.S. I don't owe Second Wavers a big ol' kiss on the cheek either. Second Wavers weren't 'questioning gender' to 'help' trans people...they were questioning politics and gender for THEIR OWN purposes. And really? You think transpeople weren't 'questioning' gender before the Second Wave came along? Seriously? That's quite an arrogant statement, no?

This 'community' (not site specific) is NOT friendly towards one another. We were lumped together out of sexual 'deviancy'...not out of love and camaraderie and mutual support. I don't owe the lesbians or the gays or the bisexuals anymore thanks than you 'owe' transpeople. And that's all aside from the fact that the GLBQ has (throughout history) tossed the Ts aside, co-opted the history, thrown Ts under the bus, screwed the Ts through legislative processes (ENDA anyone?)...and now you're telling transpeople to *thank* those people? Seriously?


Seriously,
Dylan

[Mitmo01]

The only thing i pass for is a butch dyke and many times throughout the day since i work on the phone i get called sir more times than i can count and i dont even correct anyone......it used to be tiresome and now i just find it amusing....

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by chefhmboyrd

Dylan and HSIN,
thanks for the support.

i am not sure how i managed to offend anyone. i was just speaking of my experience.

it's not that i don't care about the community, i just don't buy in to all the PC crap. i could say the cow is black and someone gets offended.

it's almost like i have more trouble with the LRGBLT community than anyone else, because of the collective chip on the shoulder, and people are quick to be offended. almost looking for a fight

i'm not a fighter, i am a survivor, and it is ALH's right and "Priviledge" to not to agree or like me. (that is the type of thing that i don't give a rats ass about)

@

Hi Andy!

I think people who live in different parts of the country don't know that in the South there are no public funds for meetings, surgeries any of that like there is in California. No one went before except Nick, we are kind of in a free fall making our own way and it works for us.

Also, there does seem to be a divide between some Butches and some Transguys. I would love to see us draw together as a global community like we have in Nashville!

We get along and hang out and it's no big deal and no one gives a rats ass who is trans and who is not and who passes and who does not as long as we try to be sensitive to what pronouns people prefer and so forth.

Before you transitioned you got zero support as Butch from the LBGQT etc community, same as I get zero support as Femme. That's how it is here. So it is difficult to care about what they think now. Hell, I have a hard time and I am a Lesbian.

I don't think what you said was offensive at all, so please don't think that we all are always ready for a fight. We are not going to all agree, but roll with it. It is important that we have these conversations and it is so great to have you here!

[Apocalipstic]

I pass as straight and for the most part, I wish I didn't...but not enough to not be myself.

[Liam]

I think it depends on what you are passing as, as to whether or not there is any privilege to that. For years and years, I passed as a gay male, before my white hair started coming in; I didn't feel terribly privileged.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Liam

I think it depends on what you are passing as, as to whether or not there is any privilege to that. For years and years, I passed as a gay male, before my white hair started coming in; I didn't feel terribly privileged.

Great point!

I pass as a Sunday School teacher and I find very little priviledge in that either.

[Apocalipstic]

I have really been thinking about this.

I guess for me, when someone says they don't care about who knows if they are trans, it does not means that they don't care about the struggles of other people. It means that they do their own thing. I see that as healthy, not selfish.

I admire and respect you AtLast, but is there something I am missing? Should Transpeople who have hated themselves their entire lives and known something was wrong and are finally becoming who they knew they always were supposed to be, announce their gender? Are they supposed to feel bad for passing?

Especially in a part of the country with pretty much ZERO support from community. The Gay and Lesbian community in Nashville does not even support Butches and Femmes, much less Transpeople.

Also,

When someone new comes on the website it would be great if we could not immediately assume the worst and call them selfish etc etc....

I don't get this Butches V Transguys thing. I find it very distressing.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Great point!

I pass as a Sunday School teacher and I find very little priviledge in that either.

i pass as an old lady school teacher originally from Ohio. Corn-fed vibes. Old lady vibes. School teacher-librarian type vibes.

Sigh. Why can't the kick ass leather femme show??

But, alas, i look like my mom, who was also an old lady school teacher (but not -- as far as i know -- a leather dyke).

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Martina

i pass as an old lady school teacher originally from Ohio. Corn-fed vibes. Old lady vibes. School teacher-librarian type vibes.

Sigh. Why can't the kick ass leather femme show??

But, alas, i look like my mom, who was also an old lady school teacher (but not -- as far as i know -- a leather dyke).

I have always wanted to look like the Huge Dyke I am too! "snarl"

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Dylan

1. You've said this before, and I'll say the same thing back. I have no idea what your trans politics are besides what you post on these sites. I have respect for your posts as well; however, again, we don't know each other from anywhere else but these posts.

i do know Atlast quite well. She is a friend. i haven't made a lot of nods in her direction on this site to inform people of that because, quite honestly, there are a few people around who don't like me, and i didn't want her affected by that.

But i will say that i do know that she offers -- and has long offered -- material support to trans organizations and to the trans people -- and family members of trans people -- in her life.

Because of several family relationships and because of her former profession, she has long been involved in one way or another with the trans community and has offered real meaningful support to individuals and groups.

In fact, i have said to her that it's more than i would do. i don't mean to be rude. i saw the post on the donation thread that had to do with the Transgender Law Center, and i was sort of tempted to donate, but then thought, no, not that's not how i spend my money.

i give my money to women's issues exclusively, usually international ones.

i know that the TLC and similar organizations support the rights of transwomen. i suppose if i knew that my money went to assist them alone, it would make sense for me to donate. But my giving is entirely directed to helping women. It's my money, the result of my precious time spent at work, and it's a choice i get to make.

In terms of personal emotional work and my own liberation from transphobia, i put some time in, but because at this point, for me to develop much further along those lines, it means having to deal with some issues i have had with cisgender men in my past, i do not expect to finish that work in this incarnation. (i am not being facetious. i am a Buddhist.)

Again, Atlast does far more of that kind of work -- thinking, reading, challenging herself -- than i do or will do in this lifetime. A lot more. i see it.

i agree that no one who has benefitted from the political work many of us did back in the day owes us thanks or a big hug or whatever.

i do think that intelligent people should look into their own history. That said, i confess that i do not know much about the history of trans politics or how they have intersected with feminist politics. What i know, i have learned from you, actually, on an old thread on the dash site.

i do think, in general, and certainly on this site, feminism takes a hit and gets characterized in terms that are inaccurate and denigrating. i think that much of the time that that happens, it is an expression of misogyny.

[Apocalipstic]

I like you Martina and At Last! I also like Chef and have known him in his different incarnations for 20 years.

I don't know how much money someone has to donate matters, but Chef is a musician and has played at plenty of Feminist and Lesbian fundraisers and well as speaking on several occasions on Trans issues, including at Vanderbilt University.

I bet, in person we would not even be having this conversation, we could see facial expressions and look into each others eyes and know we are on the same side.

Does Chef want to be seen as a Dude? yes, he is a Dude. Has anyone donated money to that end? no.

Oh, and Chef is older than Chef looks. (sorry Andy, just making sure we are clear that you are not some youngster with no clue about Queer history)

[chefhmboyrd]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I like you Martina and At Last! I also like Chef and have known him in his different incarnations for 20 years.

I don't know how much money someone has to donate matters, but Chef is a musician and has played at plenty of Feminist and Lesbian fundraisers and well as speaking on several occasions on Trans issues, including at Vanderbilt University.

I bet, in person we would not even be having this conversation, we could see facial expressions and look into each others eyes and know we are on the same side.

Does Chef want to be seen as a Dude? yes, he is a Dude. Has anyone donated money to that end? no.

Oh, and Chef is older than Chef looks. (sorry Andy, just making sure we are clear that you are not some youngster with no clue about Queer history)

thanks Mommie

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I have really been thinking about this.

I guess for me, when someone says they don't care about who knows if they are trans, it does not means that they don't care about the struggles of other people. It means that they do their own thing. I see that as healthy, not selfish.

I admire and respect you AtLast, but is there something I am missing? Should Transpeople who have hated themselves their entire lives and known something was wrong and are finally becoming who they knew they always were supposed to be, announce their gender? Are they supposed to feel bad for passing?

Especially in a part of the country with pretty much ZERO support from community. The Gay and Lesbian community in Nashville does not even support Butches and Femmes, much less Transpeople.

Also,

When someone new comes on the website it would be great if we could not immediately assume the worst and call them selfish etc etc....

I don't get this Butches V Transguys thing. I find it very distressing.

I don't get it, either that's why I do what I do and always will.

I am taking in your points here about a new person and will act accordingly and in private. I am tired of assumptions, too. And misread statements. But, we are all human. Some of us get fired-up due to our history, I do.

I'm not willing to get into trans related discussions anymore on the site. Just never works here. There are many political threads that I enjoy that are not gender related. (except, for me, the world is interrelated via gender). Real-time relationships and work are my focus and this is just not a good forum for these discussions. Yet, I'm glad this site has this representation because maybe it will help kids and families find resources and support. Frankly, that is what is important to me.

I see the bunching of thanks reps accumulating as the wagons circle. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads posts and thinks about them, or just looks at the Thanks box and clicks because they see particular screen names there. I am not going to use that function anymore- just send reps that are private. I feel like we have made a cheerleading (as in immature in-crowd forming mentality from middle and high school- popularity contests) tool out of that site feature used to summon the forces.


Big weekend ahead with various Pride events in SF with real-time friends and organizations that I am (others are too) proud to be a part of. If my body allows my participation as I want to give it. Time to relax, calm my senses and body so I can be there in full spirit. It is nice to be able to share these activities with people one works with all year. Besides, a friend is going to show his new chest post surgery and he is so funny with his excitement- not going to let this get ruined.

I really am getting too old for this!

[Corkey]

[QUOTE=AtLastHome;136139]

I don't get it, either that's why I do what I do and always will.

I am taking in your points here about a new person and will act accordingly and in private. I am tired of assumptions, too. And misread statements. But, we are all human. Some of us get fired-up due to our history, I do.

I'm not willing to get into trans related discussions anymore on the site. Just never works here. There are many political threads that I enjoy that are not gender related. (except, for me, the world is interrelated via gender). Real-time relationships and work are my focus and this is just not a good forum for these discussions. Yet, I'm glad this site has this representation because maybe it will help kids and families find resources and support. Frankly, that is what is important to me.

I see the bunching of thanks reps accumulating as the wagons circle. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads posts and thinks about them, or just looks at the Thanks box and clicks because they see particular screen names there. I am not going to use that function anymore- just send reps that are private. I feel like we have made a cheerleading (as in immature in-crowd forming mentality from middle and high school- popularity contests) tool out of that site feature used to summon the forces.

Ok I have issue with this part of your statement. Are you implying that because someone thanks a post that isn't yours they are somehow immature, and high school? Really?? And how many time have I thanked your posts ALH? If you don't want to participate, then don't, but to call members immature because they don't agree with you is a bit offensive,and condescending.


Big weekend ahead with various Pride events in SF with real-time friends and organizations that I am (others are too) proud to be a part of. If my body allows my participation as I want to give it. Time to relax, calm my senses and body so I can be there in full spirit. It is nice to be able to share these activities with people one works with all year. Besides, a friend is going to show his new chest post surgery and he is so funny with his excitement- not going to let this get ruined.

I really am getting too old for this!

[chefhmboyrd]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

I see the bunching of thanks reps accumulating as the wagons circle.

i see no wagon circling
just a difference in personal experience and opinion.
i respect your right to feel the way you do
i only ask for the same

@

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

I don't get it, either that's why I do what I do and always will.

I am taking in your points here about a new person and will act accordingly and in private. I am tired of assumptions, too. And misread statements. But, we are all human. Some of us get fired-up due to our history, I do.

I'm not willing to get into trans related discussions anymore on the site. Just never works here. There are many political threads that I enjoy that are not gender related. (except, for me, the world is interrelated via gender). Real-time relationships and work are my focus and this is just not a good forum for these discussions. Yet, I'm glad this site has this representation because maybe it will help kids and families find resources and support. Frankly, that is what is important to me.

I see the bunching of thanks reps accumulating as the wagons circle. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads posts and thinks about them, or just looks at the Thanks box and clicks because they see particular screen names there. I am not going to use that function anymore- just send reps that are private. I feel like we have made a cheerleading (as in immature in-crowd forming mentality from middle and high school- popularity contests) tool out of that site feature used to summon the forces.


Big weekend ahead with various Pride events in SF with real-time friends and organizations that I am (others are too) proud to be a part of. If my body allows my participation as I want to give it. Time to relax, calm my senses and body so I can be there in full spirit. It is nice to be able to share these activities with people one works with all year. Besides, a friend is going to show his new chest post surgery and he is so funny with his excitement- not going to let this get ruined.

I really am getting too old for this!

It makes me sad that you think we are that shallow when we don't agree, that we have not read and have no knowledge of history or community....or even basic reading.

I bet Pride in San Francisco is a blast, I hope you have fun!

At Pride in other parts of the country Butches, Femmes and Transpeople are often ostracized, pointed at, talked about, ignored and over the years grow a tough skin. We can't care about how other people see us, or we would either have to move to California, New York City, live in the closet, or just not be ourselves.

Nothing should be ruined, no forces are being summoned. No conspiracy. Just a discussion about a pretty strong post aimed at a new member...and yes, I do have good reading comprehension.

I just do not understand what seemed to be seething anger on this subject. I admit I have not read every thread on the subject, but I do see that there is a great divide.

Again, I hope you have fun at Pride and I hope that you remember how lucky you are to be somewhere Pride and the Queer community is a happy thing.

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Martina

i agree that no one who has benefitted from the political work many of us did back in the day owes us thanks or a big hug or whatever.

For what it's worth -

I am very thankful to everybody who has worked hard and is working hard for the rights I have as a woman and for the rights of all members of my LGBTQ community. I owe a lot more than thanks to the people who have paved the way for me and my community.

-------------------------

It really seems that this thread has strayed from its original intent, and maybe that was inevitable.

I do hope that perhaps we could redirect this thread back to the original topic with the understanding and acceptance that we most likely will not achieve consensus? I was never looking for consensus in this thread, but I was really hoping for people to feel like they could share their own thoughts, experiences and feelings. If the tone of the thread has become so rancorous, those who avoid conflict will be less willing to share their own experiences here and I personally feel that would be a shame. Passing especially may be a topic that people who avoid conflict could really have something to say about.

I guess I can't ask that we all sit around the campfire now singing kumbayah, but it would be really cool if we could at least get back on topic?

[Corkey]

Passing is something I sometimes can accomplish. From the back, not the side or front. Do I have any privilege, um nope, none.