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Old 01-22-2010, 05:26 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by Ol' Jet View Post
Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?
The book did not, but I experience this.

Sometimes, when I get a massage for example, its like trauma is stored in my muscles? I know that sounds weird.

Or something stressful will trigger me, like the holidays.

I have been having this newish thing done call Brain Spotting. it seems to be helping. Something to think about.

I sort of stutter, when I was a kid, my father would threaten me or hit me when I stuttered, so now I have weird pauses to keep from stuttering.
I pretend I can't think of the right word to say.

I have been having a hard time so far this year too. Lot's of old stuff coming up.

When I get spun out electrical stuff does not work around me, stuff jumps off walls, once a sword jumped off a shelf and stabbed into the floor straight up (the day I was on the way to the hospital for my hysterectomy). I check things over and over....I am way hyper vigilant, way high startle response...zero affect.

Anyway, thank you all for sharing.

Thinking about you all and hoping things ease up.
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Old 01-22-2010, 06:46 PM   #42
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Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?
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Originally Posted by Selenay View Post


These are also called somatic memories.
Thank you, Selly.

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Originally Posted by apocalipstic View Post
The book did not, but I experience this.

Sometimes, when I get a massage for example, its like trauma is stored in my muscles? I know that sounds weird.

Or something stressful will trigger me, like the holidays.
Our brains are so complex and so adaptable that they will do whatever it is that we need them to do in order to survive whatever traumatic event is happening, whether it be shutting down, zoning out/disassociating, hyper-focusing on one tiny, specific thing, turning things inward, or a thousand other coping mechanisms.

However, I believe that....while the brain can learn to protect and forgive and, if needed, forget....the body cannot. The body cannot forget the things done to it. For example, raised hands ellicit cringes or muscle tightening at least, even years after the last time that body was struck.

I don't think it's a bad thing, as it is a learned response to keep us safe, but it definitely can mess with someone....especially when we think we've had things under control and then something happens to remind us that we're not as in control as we thought.

*sigh*
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Old 01-23-2010, 09:28 AM   #43
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Exactly! I barely see my family because I cut those dysfunctional expectations out of my life. I am still in the feel selfish stage. I know in my head that I am doing what I need to do by avoiding them... but it takes longer to UNDO that "role" than it took for them to lock me into it. Holidays are harder even though I thought it was going to make it easier. I should have expected them to be healthier... rather than easier.

Seems less selfish to think I am doing this for their good also. An enabler I was letting them continue to harm themselves and that helps me every day to think its not just "for me". I also have two teens who have been catching on for a few years... and getting angry in my defense. I think of doing what is right as a role model for my two and my four nephews. I dont want them to be dragged into it and influenced. I dont want the cycle to infect our next generation growing up.

The buck stops here...
You are absolutely right! You are doing more than getting yourself healhy you are 'breaking the cycle'. Although it has taken 20yrs for my siblings to 'get it', their kids have been drawn to me- 'safehaven' It used to be said of me by my sibs that my dysfunction was I am queer. But my nieces and nephews don't even see my sexuality as different. I have been told by more than one of them that I am the only sane one in the family. I do talk to the older ones about helping the parents grow up. I also stress the importance of love, compassion, and keeping oneself intack. Like you, I hope that this will help heal my family.
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Old 01-23-2010, 10:28 AM   #44
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Default unworthy of love

Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse.
I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future .
You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace!
FF
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Old 01-23-2010, 10:45 AM   #45
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While I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, I see so much of Myself in many of you (especially Andrew and Atomic) and wanted to say thank you to all of you for being brave enough to share those most traumatic parts of life ........ your all heroes in My eyes
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Old 01-23-2010, 12:10 PM   #46
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Default Beating the odds

The core emotions of my trauma and core of the trauma itself are surfacing. This took forever to face and purge. Facing my trauma and "returning" to make a new life is happening. Because of the nature of my trauma, I wasn't I could do face it. The odds of beating it were slim considering I should have died. Facing my stuff took medicine and lots of prayer.
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Old 01-23-2010, 03:18 PM   #47
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This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!
I am sorry you are broken. I know how that feels. But even still I won't give up on you putting yourself back together! Please refuse to allow yourself to stay broke. If I can help you in anyway please feel free to PM me if you would rather. I am a pretty good listener. I don't judge you. I strongly feel that you can heal. I will help if you allow me to. You are not here alone.
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Old 01-23-2010, 04:38 PM   #48
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This touched me Jet, I know how Horrifying reliving past trauma can be especially when u thought u had forgot it, or pushed it so far down it didn't exist any more. I spend more days with my revolver than I'd like to admit because the bile being spewed from my subconscious is worse than the initial Trauma. I can't even close my eyes anymore and have since given up the prectice of sleep. I know I have changed, and I Know I'm broken, but I have Hope for you. You seem strong enough, tough enough, to come through this changed but not damaged.
I wish we are were so lucky
Peace and Love Jet Hon!
I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.
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Old 01-23-2010, 09:03 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by Ol' Jet View Post
I didn't see this post until today. And I'm sorry I didn't because it's obvious you are in pain.

Here is what I would like to say to you:

I was spared the night of my trauma and spared again when I wanted to end my life. Finally, when nothing — and I mean nothing—worked and I hit bottom in my life, I said, to God "Okay, it's just you and me now. Either I'm going down the pike for good, or you're going to save my ass. Now what's it gonna be? Because you're my last hope."

I knew I was dying—from the inside out.

Well, it's been a year and a few months since the miracles and strength and courage and hope began for me. I have lived through horror over and over so I could cough it up and hand it to him. It scares the hell out of me. I'd like more than anything to claim that I'm one tough son-of-a-bitch, but I can't. I could not have pulled through this without God's help. And I'm still not quite done. Or I should say "we" are not done. But I'll tell you I'm feeling like me for the first time in 17 years, and that's huge because I'll be able to live again and do all the things I want to do.

What I'm trying to say to you is this: anything is possible with him. You could be guided to people you need, to the help or hope you need, you could suddenly find you have courage you didn't know you had, and you could discover, in a new light, that you have every right to life as he intended, and that you can make it because of the gifts and attributes he gave you. Most of all, you just may realize that you are worth the Almighty's time, and that makes you really important and loved.

But none of this will happen until you turn the worst of yours nightmares, trauma, terror, horror, and your demons over to him while you're dealing with trauma on this level. I'm not pushing God on anyone, but I believe it's arrogant to think that we are alone or so completely self-reliant and assured that we don't need a certain someone who knows all things and is more powerful than all things.

To often we give up too soon before he has a chance to work in our lives.
But I promise you, he'll put your broken spirit and heart back together in the most incredible ways if you let him.


Amen!

That was such a powerful word you just shared Jet, and everything you said is true. God helped me overcome so much, and finally I received so much healing, self worth, my value in Him, not in my job or my car or how much I made, or who I was with, but as a woman, a child of God, a person set on this earth with a purpose and a spirit connected directly to Him.

I am praying for all of you to receive His healing power and grace, in Jesus name! Amen.
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Old 01-28-2010, 01:42 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by friskyfemme View Post
Throughout my life, I have actually ached physically to be loved by someone who loved me 'unconditionally'(whatever that means!). Everytime I have 'found' love, I have tested (challenged) that the person did indeed love me. If they did meet the 'test', I felt extreme anxiety that they would soon find me out (that I wasn't the 'wonderful' person they thought I was). I 'knew' they would evenutally see for theirself and leave me. So, I 'worn' them down until they finally did leave. If they didn't meet the 'test', I would leave.
Either way this would feed into my feeling of not being worthy! It has only been recently, that I have come to realize that this is seeded in my childhood not only of my father's abuse physical and emotional; but also my mother's inability to protect me and my sibs from his abuse.
I do know consciously that blaming others for my own inadequatecy; is only destructive. I also know consciously, that fostering an hidden image of being inadequate or unworthy is self defeating. However, burying this in my subconscious has kept me from being 'present' in a relationship. I am declaring now: I am WORTHY of forever love and I am going to ALLOW my forever lover to find and stay wih me. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but at least I am stepping out of the shadow of my past into the Light of my future .
You might be asking yourself-what happened to FF to inspire this unexpected transformation. The answer is YOU! All of YOU who have shared their PSTD struggles in this thread! You have forced me to look at my own hidden pain. THANK YOU! May Spirit wrap you in love and peace!
FF



Frisky!!!

Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect....

When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering.
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Old 01-28-2010, 02:35 PM   #51
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For me, I know what hell is. There were many a times when I wanted to do the unthinkable. After being beaten by my father, or when he got me fired from my job, emptied my bank account, destroyed my car's engine after I paid for it, and the list goes on and on, after a while I went numb. It was like I wasn't even a human being. So I do know the feeling of being lost and worthlessness. Add onto that being called derrogatory names in school because I was slow, and failing. It still happens today. I am used to be calling retard or schizo. I shake my head. I will never understand. I can understand kids, but not adults. Again, that is just me and my perception.

Prayers helped then and now. That was all I had. Everyone who I could depend on, was too fearful to intervene. My father was/is mentally ill. That is about where I put it at.

Andrew
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Old 01-28-2010, 02:59 PM   #52
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Thought i'd finally chime in here.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and also Bipolar
I am in therapy and on medication, which are both working beautifully together. I also attend a BP support group when I can, and I have a support system in my reach, including my wonderful partner, so I am in good hands all around.

I don't want to go into too much detail other than my diagnosis comes from years of sexual abuse from my step-father and mental/physical abuse from my mother. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago. My mother took my step-fathers side in regards to the abuse even after he admitted it and left me and my sister behind. I never spoke to her again. it's been a little over 3 years. My sister, of course, is by my side and we are family and will always stick together. she and I are the only family we have now and it's alright because my mother was/is a poisenous person and I would her rather not be in my life.

I am happy now. so happy. and I encourage therapy for anyone who has to go through the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoasters. keep yourself around GOOD positive people and influences. keep positive, as much as you can.

xoxo to all of you. I want to say I LOVE YOU because I feel connected to each of your stories, but that's a bit much, don't ya think? lol

I HEART YOU ALL xoxo



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Did it ever mention "body flashbacks?" Like you not only remember, but your body feels the experience?
Yes.
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Old 01-28-2010, 05:30 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by Softly View Post
Thought i'd finally chime in here.

I am diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and also Bipolar
I am in therapy and on medication, which are both working beautifully together. I also attend a BP support group when I can, and I have a support system in my reach, including my wonderful partner, so I am in good hands all around.

I don't want to go into too much detail other than my diagnosis comes from years of sexual abuse from my step-father and mental/physical abuse from my mother. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago. My mother took my step-fathers side in regards to the abuse even after he admitted it and left me and my sister behind. I never spoke to her again. it's been a little over 3 years. My sister, of course, is by my side and we are family and will always stick together. she and I are the only family we have now and it's alright because my mother was/is a poisenous person and I would her rather not be in my life.

I am happy now. so happy. and I encourage therapy for anyone who has to go through the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoasters. keep yourself around GOOD positive people and influences. keep positive, as much as you can.

xoxo to all of you. I want to say I LOVE YOU because I feel connected to each of your stories, but that's a bit much, don't ya think? lol

I HEART YOU ALL xoxo
All the best in your journey to recovery and stability.
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Old 01-28-2010, 06:40 PM   #54
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I am also still on my recovery journey. And the rule of thumb for me and also reiterated by one of my
best friends, who is a psychotherapist, is that I have to "feel the feelings" as I move through my trauma. In my case, I suffer
from something closer to shell shock. The worst part of this is being in what I call my emotional "shock lock." This means that I have to stay
focused on relieving shock in my sternum/heart area by remembering and purging the event in chunks and pieces as they come up.

A long, difficult process. I'm so over this, I can't tell you. This thing has ruled and damn near killed and ruined my life.
Just when I think I have done enough work, it goes deeper or something else surfaces.
I wonder how many endings this thing will have before it's over. lol
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Old 01-28-2010, 07:46 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by Amelia View Post
Frisky!!!

Just remember that there's gonna be days when you feel like you took two steps forward and three back. Dont focus on the mistake beat yourself up thoughts, but make it the oops try better next time thought. Give yourself some leeway and forgiveness that nothing happened to you in the past all overnight... and so this too don't expect immediate permanent changes overnight. Realizing is awesome and the first step. Just don't forget we are all still here to be supportive on those days when you get overwhelmed or are being hard on yourself. Everyone has a day when they think screw this its too hard/painful ect....

When I think of it as changing habits I think I am more able to act/think like I want to... and not act/think like I used to before I realized I needed to change. And I allow myself to backslip when I do... and accept its just a speed bump and not a huge wall of "no hope". Less pressure for me tends to help me be more successful in recovering.
This is a very valuable truth, Amelia, and thank you for saying it.

My issues stem from years and years of abuse.....literally, a decade's worth. So, there's no way, no matter what methods I use to try to come to grips with it and to recover from it, that it's going to happen within a small span of time.

What is it that they say about relationships, when they break up? It takes twice the length of the relationship to 'get over' your ex? If it takes twice the length of time for what someone may assume is a healthy relationship (for the majority of it, before the demise began), then how long could one reasonably assume would be a good time frame to recover from a completely unhealthy (and assumingly, unwanted) relationship? What about the likelihood that there were more than just one unhealthy relationships going on simultaneously? I know my relationship with my mother wasn't particularly healthy to begin with but add in the abuse from step-daddy-dearest and now what? How much time does each additional negative relationship add on?

I began putting myself back together after I extricated myself from BOTH relationships (making a ton of mistakes along the way, since it was me, myself and I going the path) when I was 19. Double that. 38. I'm not there yet and that would not be taking the residual, rippling effects caused by a single negative and harmful relationship into consideration.

*shakes head*

I am just flabbergasted by those who think it's easy to get over this shit.

Gobsmacked, even.
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Old 01-28-2010, 10:24 PM   #56
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Gemme,

Yes I agree with you. I am offended and insulted when the folks who say "so what" like it is no big deal. Or come back with some rude remark about my past after digging for information. I had no idea that my life was to be an open book for everyone to read and judge. I think until you have someone holding a knife at your throat you will never understand.

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Old 01-29-2010, 11:05 PM   #57
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I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:03 AM   #58
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I was a major depressant (clinically depressed) for almost 25 years. I tried all types of drugs and alcohol to self medicate the pain and abuse I endured as a child, teen and adult. I learned much later, that I chose the same type of people because it was old and familiar and the abuse which I hated but knew all too well was comfortable. Made me feel like home. Crazy huh? I had to find a way out of that vicious cycle when I had my children, thinking I could change their outcome. We have had to fight those struggles together, my children and I, but I thank God everyday that we have hope. It was hard, is hard somedays more than others. But we stand and fight most days. I wish I could say that I NEVER get depressed anymore but that would be a lie. I can tell you that I don't stay depressed, and that it has been such a relief to deal with things sober. It was not hard to give up the drugs and alcohol. It was harder to give up the thought processes, habits and hurts that kept me imprisoned in my own mind with that pain. It has no hold on me anymore, Praise God! And now I try to do my part to help others have hope, too. God bless you and heal you all!
no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:14 PM   #59
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This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.
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Old 01-30-2010, 02:22 PM   #60
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no its not crazy at all, what you said. I have met several people in my life that repeat the same choices and gravitate to the same type of people because it felt like the "norm" I had two very special people walk out of my life because things were "too good" My therapist said it was because it was not what they were used to ,having grown up in dysfunctional households and years of abuse. They said i was too good to them....
i appreciate the insight you have given me...
Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!
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