Gender inclusivity, diversity and misogyny

[Heart]

Fantastic piece by Kimberly Dark: (bold added)

http://kimberlydark.com/

Dear Gender Benders, Blenders and Contenders,

Have you thought about gender lately? I know – few among us think about it as much as I do, but perhaps you’ve considered things like male privilege, female masculinities, women’s rights, transsexuals, genderqueers, non-binary gender expressions, and so on. Or perhaps you’ve just wondered why men get more respect when they’re talking or why we all use one bathroom in our homes but two in public places. If you’ve thought about any of these things – you’re probably wondering how it all fits together How can you multiply gender without losing track of women’s rights? What will happen if we de-emphasize gender identity in the world? Will oppression just go away?

I realize these conversations don't come up for all of us, but I hear this paradox often enough that this is the topic for today: If I talk about women's lives, am I not acting like the two gender system is "real?"

Most of my writing and performances deal with breaking down binaries and revealing the hidden workings of culture. Among other binaries, I’m interested in showing how the male/female dichotomy is neither natural, nor does it even exist in the natural world. To my mind, we have to break down those categories so that people can live and express themselves fully. We need everyone’s gifts, everyone’s potential.

I also tell stories about women’s lives. I do that because I want people to start seeing stories about women’s lives as stories about the human experience. As much as it’s true that the gender binary is “made-up,” it’s also true that people’s experiences, as women and as men, are very real. Most people in the world live within one of those two identities. I hope for us to expand gender at the same time that we develop a better understanding of people’s lived experiences.

Some audiences are shocked when I point out that the general public doesn’t actually hear much from women. Sure, there are female characters in movies, tv shows, books, music, etc. And still, the vast majority of films are written and directed by men. The majority of theater productions are written and directed by men, music too, and magazines, on down the list. That means that the representations of women you see in the media are often controlled – creatively and economically – by men. Further, sometimes women write and create with current markets in mind, thereby conforming to the male doctrines that already exist. In my college shows in particular, I often tell stories that surprise men. When I say, “raise your hand if you think that story could be true,” more women's hands go up than men's. Men often think my stories are fiction and women often see them as quite common representations of real lives (albeit presented with more detail than most are able to muster). I point out this difference in experience to the audience. Men are astounded by the repression and disdain that women endure on a regular basis. And often, women weep with the knowing that they are not alone – that subtle public harassment, for example, is happening on a regular basis to others too. (Check out the audience response portion of my website for this kind of feedback, if you’re interested.)

Okay, so I think pointing out the realities of women’s lives is important work. I also think it’s important work to disrupt the gender binary. So wow, how do we do all of that at once? First of all, acknowledge that misogyny – a hatred of the feminine – is affecting all of us. Rigid gender roles (the gender binary) are affecting all of us too. In fact, misogyny is one of the things standing in the way of multiplying gender. That’s right, we have to keep “End Misogyny” on our to-do list if we want to succeed at multiplying gender.

Here’s what I mean by misogyny thwarting gender diversity. If a person is born male, but doesn’t act male, there’s outrage primarily because being feminine is the most horrific thing that can happen. (Thanks to misogyny.) Similarly, if a person is born female, but doesn’t act female, she could be seen as taking male privilege that isn’t due her. (That’s misogyny again.) If the feminine were elevated to equal status with masculine traits, it would matter a whole lot less how someone acted (or indeed, with whom and how they express themselves romantically).

Multiplying gender without addressing misogyny won’t yield the human rights we all crave. It’ll just keep women’s and girl’s experiences invisible and prompt more people to take on male traits as a way of escaping the pain of their own internalized gender oppression. (Hmm, is this already happening to some folks, as the number of female-to-male transsexuals increases? Tell me your thoughts…) The idea that traits and skills such as emotion, kindness, and a fondness for certain life-sustaining activities (cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc.) can cause men (and women) to be the objects of ridicule is both evidence and perpetuation of a problem that effects all of us. Does this mean that gender is a two-party system – that male and female are the only sex and gender realities? Heck no. But language matters and we sometimes need to talk about the male/female dichotomy as though it exists, in order to address how the value placed on maleness has become so huge. By focusing in on gendered experiences, we remember that these traits exist in all of us. Our language has to evolve and until it does, I will echo Adrienne Rich’s phrase: “This is the oppressor’s language, but I need it to speak with you.”

So, I choose to take up these causes together, and I suggest you do the same. If someone’s talking like the experiences of women’s lives don’t matter because it’s more important to complicate gender and just speak of human rights – be an advocate for femininity! It might be helpful to think of it this way: we’ve arbitrarily put all of human life into two boxes and then put more value on the one marked male. We need to put equal value on the traits and open the boxes. Here are some suggestions for complicating gender AND elevating femininity to equal status:

1) Look for opportunities to disrupt both gender tyranny and misogyny – in everyday conversations, in the media, politics, education – anywhere. Even if you don't take every opportunity, you broaden your choices.
2) Identify where misogyny gives you privilege. That is, where do you get kudos for acting out male traits (whether you're male or female or anything else). The idea here is not to become more feminine, but to become aware of privilege so that you can choose how to share it – or even give it up – when you want to. Again, you broaden your choices.
3) Multiply your own gender. Identify your internalized misogyny and let yourself be more than you are – you decide how.
4) Pay attention to language – yours and others. Language evolves through innovations connected to MEANING. If you use new language to handle gender, be gentle when others haven’t yet found enough meaning for your requests to take hold.
5) Promote the wisdom and wonder of girls. That’s right, do something to make sure a girl in your life sees you as an ally who values the feminine – however she chooses to express it.

Respect for gender diversity can only expand in conjunction with respect for femininity as an experience and women as a (ever-more-fluid) category. Eve Ensler has begun focusing on the experiences of girls, in order to make this point. What a great idea. This is useful, as our ability to nurture children to positive adulthood is important to our collective future. And while adults can often affect how they’re perceived in the gender-department, children rarely can. Worldwide, the torture, enslavement and general disenfranchisement of girls tells the truth we sometimes hide from ourselves: misogyny is still in full force in our world. I'll leave you with her talk on the "girl cell," to help fuel your fire on this topic.

Be gentle and protective of your feminine-self. The truth is, we need all of the humanity we can muster – the masculine, the feminine and all the good for which there is no language. Let your freak-flag fly – it reminds us that we have greater human potential than we can even name.

Big Love/Love Big,

Kimberly

[BullDog]

Heart, thank you for posting this. In trying to speak up about women's issues and women's visibility within queer circles, including butch women, I have butt up against these issues time and time again. I have always said having a gazillion different genders in and of itself will not set us free. I will post more thoughts when I have more time.

[Jess]

Heart,
Thanks for this article. I must have missed it when you first posted it, but ran across it just now while perusing forums.

As ever, the discussion of how to combat misogyny while being respectful of all of the gender variants is definitely something I look at a lot.

It too often feels that being in support of one group becomes translated to mean you are anti another group. I don't understand that leap of thought. I think it covers just about every social issue we encounter, not just misogyny gender issues, but also including all human rights issues.

For me, I find it pretty easy to live and let live and have a great capacity for seeing all sides to different issues and unfortunately I think that is often misread as "phobia" in some various form. It's almost as if we ( as a society) demand someone "pick a side" when in reality, there really isn't a right or wrong to the issue. Just two sides of the same coin. If I only pick one side, I lose the value of the coin itself.