Can a poly/mono work?

[JDeere]

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've just re-read the thread because it popped up and there is a lot of good stuff here.

However, I think after as many years and partners as I've had, and different kinds of relationships (open triad, polyfidelity triad, monog, non-monog [open only to sex with others, not new romantic relationships], polyamorous in a non-family way but primary partners with secondary partners, and poly as in no primary partners)
That there are two things I find really important to distinguish -
And that's the difference between jealousy and possessiveness.

Jealousy is the feeling you get when you feel something you deserve and not receiving is given to someone else. Like that sick feeling in your gut when you feel ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted, and your partner appears to be chatting up someone across the room. It feels awful and erasing. It has to do with feelings of self value and relationship value.

Possessiveness is the feelings of anger when someone you don't know is *leaning on your car* YOUR car. Wtf?? What kind of disrespect is that. Leaning on MY fucking car. They have no concept of respecting other people's property.

Except, substitute "car" with "partner" and "leaning" with "talking/flirting/touching" and it implies rights of ownership and you setting the boundaries of ownership.

Personally? I can deal with people struggling with ownership. It has nothing to do with me and their anger is directed at other people, not me. I tend to roll my eyes and tell them good luck with that. And I can tease them about it if they are able to accept and laugh at themselves. But I can't cope with those who cant understand that possessiveness is their own problem and can't laugh at themselves about it. I get it too sometimes, and it's easier to joke about to let go of, for me.

Jealousy is different. It's insidious and a core esteem issue as well as an issue about attention. And if there is an imbalance in how much attention someone just naturally gives people and how much someone craves, it will throw a huge wrench into any open or poly relationship. The five love languages are a big deal here. So is levels of attention, companionship desires. I will feel smothered if someone constantly focuses on me, I don't like being the centre of constant attention, I feel like I can't breathe. Someone else may lap that up. So bring in another person into that discrepancy and it's pouring fuel on a massive potential problem that *will* combust at some point.

Just passing thoughts and learning lessons as I saw this thread come up again.

Would I be in another monog relationship after the one I posted about? Maybe. But it would take me a really long time to trust monogamy now, and most monogamous people I know in dykeland don't have the patience to not be monogamous until trust is establish.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

Lord help me

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

You say this like you haven't consented to it.

That's not good.

It sounds like a serious, everything on the table discussion needs to be had.

There has been some discussion on things but this poly/mono came up on here and from what I am reading it sounds like my relationship. That's what I was referring to.

[kittygrrl]

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much, sharing the same bed, helps...again, by personal experience...

[nina03]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much...again, by personal experience...

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly and date others. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work has paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by nina03

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work had paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

You're lucky...and I know luck has nothing to do with it..but you understand it's very rare..the work and love involved would be incredible..i admire well constructed relationships..blessings <B