The Purse: Unpacking Femme Privilege

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

THIS! THIS! THIS!

My own layers of growing up poor, educationally disadvantaged, being fat, being from the South (and all that it implies for other people), and the added layer of my brand of Femme are sometimes hard to disentangle from the Femme privilege.
Add in the fact that class-wise, I dont have a lot of the markers that some folks have. I think they call that "no home raising".
I sometimes end up feeling like no matter the fact that I "pass" as a straight woman, I am still NEVER going to be the "right kind" of woman.

I once took a womens' studies class that began with an exercise in privilege. Our professor passed out an equal number of tootsie rolls to every student in the room. We were asked to remove a piece of candy from our privilege pile if we could not answer in the affirmative for each question she posed, such as:

I grew up with more than 20 books in my home.

My family never worried about where meals would come from.

Questions around race and education and class were all asked, although I distinctly recall that no questions of size were addressed. When the exercise was complete, and as white as I am, I was still among a group in the room with the fewest tootsie rolls on her desk.

It occurs to me now that had the questions been inclusive of size, I would have had a larger share of 'privilege' at the end of that lesson. It also occurs to me now how much it meant to me to have so few pieces of candy.

We tend to hold our oppression close to us, like a kind of prize. I want to keep in mind of this - that even while I am the daughter of poor, white Southern uneducated people - that holding to my lack of power will not gain me anything, and certainly will not bring me any closer to netting a wider share of power for everyone I believe deserves a more fair share.

While it's true that I pass to the unsuspecting as a straight woman, it's also and equally true that I am not one. I need to be cognizant of the ways in which this can both harm my community and however, if ever, it can serve us. Being read as straight sometimes has the unintended affect of meaning that I am allowed entrance into spaces that would not otherwise permit Queer. And once inside, I have more power to do and change what more visible others might not have.

I have to hold this kind of power carefully, recognizing that backlash is ever immanent and always dangerous. I cannot go incognito. It's their lack of perception that is at issue; not my lack of forthrightness.

[Zimmeh]

I also can pass for being straight and that hurts when you want to date someone who thinks you are. I grew up with three brothers and I have had to work for everything I have now. Some people ask me why I waited so long to *come* out and I explain to them, that my father, was a man who did not like gay people. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I was finally able to be me. Having to keep your true self hidden for so long, makes you long for your own identity even more. That is why when someone ask's me if I am gay, I tell them very proudly that yes I am; even if I lose my job as a result. I am proud to be femme. I also grew up in the South.

Have a good day,

Zimmy

[julieisafemme]

WHat an excellent thread!! I have to add femme privilege on top of all the other privileges I have: white, upper middle class upbringing, educated, previously heterosexual married mama, able bodied. I chose Judaism as an adult so I don't feel as though I have encountered a lot of antisemitism in my life. The privilege of being a femme and having the ability to disclose my sexual orientation if I choose to is a definite privilege. When I first started dating my partner I did not notice any difference in how I was treated. As time has gone on I am now noticing people looking or seeming uncomfortable. I am sure it was there before I was just oblivious. It never even occurred to me to look for or expect that before because I have never encountered any discrimination in my life.

To those I have come out to in my community and in my family I have experienced some not very nice reactions. The only thing I think has made it easier is the femme invisibility factor. I don't look queer to most straight people so I am more palatable I guess.

The interesting thing to me is that the place I feel the most out of place is the queer community. I don't have any credibility. I've only had one partner, hopefully always will. I don't have a history of activism. I'm not sure if time will change that. So many of the experiences of other femmes here I have yet to experience or may never experience. I guess I don't know how to unpack all this privilege. I'm trying.

[lillith]

I feel it is a priviledge to be a femme in a world that assumes me to be straight. It is a priviledge to me because I am given the opportunity to educate and possible take some of the hate away. My female straight friends are always eager to listen and learn. My friend Melizsa imagined that because I am femme, that my boifriend would have a certain look (Joe Dirt anyone?) It meant a lot to me to teach her. In turn, she educated her family. It was a neat cycle to watch.

[hippieflowergirl]

i dont know what to do with this thread.

i had a super shinyshiny femme chip (with the word " marginalized " inscribed on it in really pretty foo foo calligraphy) on my shoulder and Medusa just poinked it offa me ingloriously with one mighty and gentle flick of her dainty finger.

i dont know whether to swear like a longshorefemme or be uber-grateful. or both. prob'ly going to do both.

i can only shuffle around the following two thoughts at the moment:

1) i dont want to pass. i stopped wanting to pass a bit later in life than some (32) but once i stopped i never looked back. if i thought my bangs would look good parted in the center i'd have "queer-as-fuck" tattooed on my forehead.

2) my white privilege feels more omnipresent to me than any of the other institutionalized ways in which i might benefit. it's the one i feel most keenly anyway. because i live in HippievilleUSA i am blessed with an environment that, quite literally, finds it unremarkable that i'm queer. that same environment is also wildly indifferent to the fact that i am poor, fat, well-educated, and that i'm constantly humming tunelessly. the one thing about me that's difficult not to note is the one thing for which i would prefer not to be noticed: i'm as annoying as hell. i live in a little hippiebubble.

i'm going to apply some pain relief to my now Medusa-shattered paradigms. i'll be back when the thinking stops hurting so much.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by evolveme

I once took a womens' studies class that began with an exercise in privilege. Our professor passed out an equal number of tootsie rolls to every student in the room. We were asked to remove a piece of candy from our privilege pile if we could not answer in the affirmative for each question she posed, such as:

I grew up with more than 20 books in my home.

My family never worried about where meals would come from.

Questions around race and education and class were all asked, although I distinctly recall that no questions of size were addressed. When the exercise was complete, and as white as I am, I was still among a group in the room with the fewest tootsie rolls on her desk.

It occurs to me now that had the questions been inclusive of size, I would have had a larger share of 'privilege' at the end of that lesson. It also occurs to me now how much it meant to me to have so few pieces of candy.

We tend to hold our oppression close to us, like a kind of prize. I want to keep in mind of this - that even while I am the daughter of poor, white Southern uneducated people - that holding to my lack of power will not gain me anything, and certainly will not bring me any closer to netting a wider share of power for everyone I believe deserves a more fair share.

While it's true that I pass to the unsuspecting as a straight woman, it's also and equally true that I am not one. I need to be cognizant of the ways in which this can both harm my community and however, if ever, it can serve us. Being read as straight sometimes has the unintended affect of meaning that I am allowed entrance into spaces that would not otherwise permit Queer. And once inside, I have more power to do and change what more visible others might not have.

I have to hold this kind of power carefully, recognizing that backlash is ever immanent and always dangerous. I cannot go incognito. It's their lack of perception that is at issue; not my lack of forthrightness.

I relate to this post very much. Thank you.