Caregivers and Stress

[Chad]

I am struggling to find balance these days.

My dad raised me to be a provider and handyman. Work ethic was rule number one in my dad's eyes. I can fix mom's car, fix her home, take care of her yard work but caregiver is not easy for me.

I will do the best that I can with my limited experience and ask for help when needed. Asking for help is hard but it will become necessary somtimes.

My goal is to keep mom healthy and happy.

[girl_dee]

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

[Chained Daisy]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

Crazy it is dee, it always amazes me how we manage to be so manipulated and made to feel such guilt for the slightest thing by someone who feels not an ounce of guilt for the endless distress they inflict on us.

[Teddybear]

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

Oh this could be good!

[girl_dee]

My mom decided yesterday that she is going to move out here with me. She hates the entire state of Louisiana and says she wants to.be here. Two days ago she said she is never moving again and disowned me for causing her grief. Now i am.her best friend because she wants something. Ugghh the emotions!

She is staying with my aunt, and not in the new apartment that she just had them move her to.

It took me three months to get her out of my house and into her apartment which was 30 feet out my back door. She just insisted that she should be able to stay IN my house. She doesn't care that she's in the way and invading other people's space. She wants to be under the same roof and live on the couch.

We warned my aunt.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


O both brothers showed up today to help me move my stuff out of my apartment and back to storage.

My baby brothers car broke down( how convenient). My middle brother, his wife and Momma took him home. I was left alone at home. Seems the family meeting we were going to have just evaporated, however I made sure to have a talk with each bother and momma was there. Seems she has told them when I wasn't there that I only needed 2-3 hours once a month. I made sure they were told that wasn't true. My baby brother has a chip on his shoulder about having to come down and spend a weekend every other month.

Funny how my mom was complaining about the drive from here to Atlanta and back here however she got really ticked when it was suggested that she stay home to take M back home. So everyone agreed to let her go.

She has called me 3 times since they have left been gone about 3 hours. I asked her are yall going to dinner her answer not yet. I said ok but are you. She just couldn't tell me without making a big deal out of it. I told her I just wanted to know so I could go get something to eat. She finally said yes they were.

I can see now that if things don't change I wont be here long. I am starting to feel like this was everyones plan without letting me know All that does is make me feel used.

[Chad]

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Chad

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternative facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

I can relate Chad ...It's so hard to watch parents as they age. We tend to remember them from our child's eye.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by homoe

I can relate Chad ...It's so hard to watch parents as they age. We tend to remember them from our child's eye.

My brothers are having this problem. I cant get them to understand she isn't the Mom we had 10 years ago hell even 2 years ago.

I am hoping that they see it

[Chained Daisy]

Originally Posted by Chad

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

That is a worry. When I was in a similar situation I found the challenge was to work out of it was par for the course as my Father aged or if it was the first signs of dementia. All I could really do was watch and wait and offer support when needed. It always amazes me how the years can take their toll on some and others stay bright as a button to the very end. Life is a lottery.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Chained Daisy

That is a worry. When I was in a similar situation I found the challenge was to work out of it was par for the course as my Father aged or if it was the first signs of dementia. All I could really do was watch and wait and offer support when needed. It always amazes me how the years can take their toll on some and others stay bright as a button to the very end. Life is a lottery.

Thank you, I need to plan for a better situation with mom.
She lives alone and that will become an issue soon.

[Chained Daisy]

Originally Posted by Chad

Thank you, I need to plan for a better situation with mom.
She lives alone and that will become an issue soon.

I see, that must be a constant worry for you. I hope you find a solution that keeps her safe and you both happy.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Chained Daisy

I see, that must be a constant worry for you. I hope you find a solution that keeps her safe and you both happy.

Thank you, it is hard but I am strong.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

Yes you are strong, and you will need to be, this isn't for the weak thats for sure.

Hang in there, Chad

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Yes you are strong, and you will need to be, this isn't for the weak thats for sure.

Hang in there, Chad

Thank you Dee, I am pondering all this.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


O both brothers showed up today to help me move my stuff out of my apartment and back to storage.

My baby brothers car broke down( how convenient). My middle brother, his wife and Momma took him home. I was left alone at home. Seems the family meeting we were going to have just evaporated, however I made sure to have a talk with each bother and momma was there. Seems she has told them when I wasn't there that I only needed 2-3 hours once a month. I made sure they were told that wasn't true. My baby brother has a chip on his shoulder about having to come down and spend a weekend every other month.

Funny how my mom was complaining about the drive from here to Atlanta and back here however she got really ticked when it was suggested that she stay home to take M back home. So everyone agreed to let her go.

She has called me 3 times since they have left been gone about 3 hours. I asked her are yall going to dinner her answer not yet. I said ok but are you. She just couldn't tell me without making a big deal out of it. I told her I just wanted to know so I could go get something to eat. She finally said yes they were.

I can see now that if things don't change I wont be here long. I am starting to feel like this was everyones plan without letting me know All that does is make me feel used.

This cannot be much fun for you. So sorry!

[Chad]

[quote=girl_dee;1153136][COLOR="Navy"]This cannot be much fun for you. So sorry!

Pardon me, I made a mistake.

[Teddybear]

Well this weekend was so full of negative energy it wasn't funny. I did find an ally with my sister-n-law. The oldest of my 2 brothers finally just stopped talking to me. I still don't know what the issue is, to be honest i don't think he does either.

After they left this morning my mom told me it isn't fair that it is all put on me :l REALLY!!!!

She finally said she knows I work more then my brothers and she appreciates what I do.

I had to remind my brothersthat I'm working 100 hrs us a week including the 20+ hrs a week commuting to and from work. The look on their faces was priceless and I told them that didn't include the time I did things for Momma so they could help out once a month. She backed me up. Let's see what happens