Differently Abled (fly your freak flag high)

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I can't stand loud noises, like being in a club or bar with LOUD music blaring. It makes my brain melt down. I don't like big crowds either. I feel overwhelmed and then I get anxious, then the tics show up, then the stammering and stuttering (did I mention that one earlier?). If it gets too bad, I end up running home and crying alone.

Wait, how is this a blessing?

Maybe it's a blessing in that you understand your own limitations and have superb compensation strategies in place to keep a bad situation from going to worse?

Drew, I remember a night in Dallas spent turning tears into laughter? Remember that? I knew you were a special soul after that night. I can tell you this: people care about you. A lot. Not in spite of, but because of the whole package. ((((Drew)))

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

I am Differently Abled as well.
I have Bipolar and Fibromyalgia to name a few challanges. I just try to never give up on myself and find things that keep me motivated and going. Basically giving to others in many ways.
I am an advocate, proactive, love to volunteer especially with Differently Abled cats who have Feline Lukemia and/or AIDS. or special needs.
I use every opportunity I can to educate people on the myths and the truths of mental illness. It is amazing to me the misconceptions some people have regaurding Bipolar.

Flying my freak flag high

I love your whole post and can see many blessings in you rather than a curse.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by WILDCAT

I find it harder and harder to get out among "people". Large groups! AUGHHHH!!!!!!! Shopping at Wal-Mart?!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! Company here at home, no - not right now, please. (Although I am grateful for whoever might care, I simply do not/cannot ask for help anyway.)

I like my attention right now to be for the few I REALLY, really care about, and that is FINE with/by me! That's what I got! I simply do the best I can Super. And, I am going to be in control the best I can, by my choices - when/while I have that choice. (i.e. Why would I invite an anyone into my home when I'm not comfortable with it, or I'm not comfortable with them right now, OR... why would I go anywhere where I don't feel comfortable?) Immediate family is where I am at! And that is a stretch at times, what consitutes "family" for me. Honestly.

Our world does become smaller in a sense. But, I was wondering lately, IF the internet is more of a liability for me, or as asset (?) QUEER-WISE, it is a good thing probably - for where I live, isolated from ANY "sense" of the word/world community, as it applies to me.

I don't want to become too complacent with that however, but... I LIKE IT. (I'm also grateful that I traveled A LOT at one time, but honestly, I am missing that right now. Bereaving, for my gypsy blood...) On one hand it's good that I am fine with being alone... on another " I am a lover, nester, family person", etc... sometimes I feel like I am walking a thin line here. I have always said, that "if I jump off the path now and then throughout life, FINE! AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THE PATH, I will be OK - if and when I need to get back on. Well, right this second I'm wondering... do I really still see that path? Or am I just remembering that I had this "philosophy" (about "visualizing a path)? Hmmmmm... (?)

I am really sorry to hear about your "loss of senses". That REALLY SUCKS!!
___

I have another point I want to bring to this topic, but it's not fitting quite right here and now I don't think.

HUGS,
ME

Darling? Quit overthinking and bring up the point. There is no place more fitting. You are safe here.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Maybe it's a blessing in that you understand your own limitations and have superb compensation strategies in place to keep a bad situation from going to worse?

Drew, I remember a night in Dallas spent turning tears into laughter? Remember that? I knew you were a special soul after that night. I can tell you this: people care about you. A lot. Not in spite of, but because of the whole package. ((((Drew)))

I remember a night in Dallas when you flipped your skirt up to get me to smile. (I didn't look, I swear!) It was very sweet. My head was pounding from the loud noise. You are super cool, SuperFemme. I'm gonna have to friend you on FB.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I remember a night in Dallas when you flipped your skirt up to get me to smile. (I didn't look, I swear!) It was very sweet. My head was pounding from the loud noise. You are super cool, SuperFemme. I'm gonna have to friend you on FB.

I DID? OMG. That is so ME.

Yes please friend me on FB. Adele S-g will take you right to me.

[WILDCAT]

I'll get on with my other point here.

Since the phrase "freak flag" is in the topic title and was also just posted by someone:

When I was first hurt, NO ONE knew how to take me, to take me seriously that I had indeed BEEN HURT (like when I came back home after much treatment in N.Y.C., where I lived at the time - to where I had originally been from).

Everyone KNEW me growing up as this very STRONG personality. Very capable. Not one to be messed with, actually. Now "clearly" I was NOT MYSELF for a good while after the accident. No one helped. And I know I scared them actually, as I wasn't the person they knew and grew up with - for a good long while. Ironically , one of my jobs had BEEN to work with victims of head injury, so I instinctively knew what was happening - and how folks back off and ALL!

Plus, I repeated and repeated my trauma incident, for I felt I was NOT being heard - and I could not believe I had been "assaulted" the way in which I was at the time of the accident. (Abuse victims will know what I mean by that.) I felt that no one cared. I was hurt, pissed, all of that... but, mostly felt totally "abandoned" - but, not in the "traditional" sense of the word or meaning (?)

They DID care, just didn't know how to deal... with ME.

As I got better, I talked to many about this - friends and family. I confronted some as well, who I considered close friends, and told them "how hurt I had been". Of course, they explained this all to me. I HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE STRONG ONE, THEY WERE SCARED AND CONFUSED.

NOW, as time has gone by... it's the "freak, who's NOT the same person" concept/judgment concern that is starting to bother me. Because I was honest at one time, and put it all out there. But, what if I had NOT recovered? The judgment there in these kinds of instances, can be so painful!

Most here in my area know of my past field of work. I am well respected for it. I am also like a magnet for folks to trust me and tell me anything that is going on - in a non-progressive town where folks do NOT open up and share easily. And I hold this dear to my heart and am very discreet - especially in this small town where everyone knows everyone. I am very honored one could easily say.

However, I still canNOT ask for help. I am locked into the "helping others only" concept. (NOT just for/from my years of work, but that is just not what my personality is like!) If I DO happen to ask for help though (which IS a lesson for me too, I believe) - on occasion, I feel terrible and that I "owe" folks something then, or more so, have "bothered or troubled them". (Now I have never felt that, in "helping folks"... they owe ME!) So, this is a huge problem.

It bothers me now as I get older, to think that folks judge someone... who "seemingly" has "stopped growth": BASED ON THE PERCEPTION THAT WE ARE ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE BY OUR PRESENT WORK. PLUS, and, if we were injured and/or our life was altered... and when/where I finally "wear" down once in awhile AND ask for help - again folks seem to NOT know me and are confused.

I just want to be kinda "normal". Whatever the hell that means! I know I am very different anyway though, injury or NOT! And I have been told that repeatedly throughout my life.

I'm fine being accepted as a queer here. In fact, if anyone tried to hurt me (from the outside), there would be HELL to pay for that person. We are a tight community that way. (Same thing that allows me to tell/confront/addess folks of ANY "ISM" and they "listen". There, is another GIFT of me coming back to this area. I realize my opportunities.)

I wonder what other folks think about this and if they might be able to identify with any of it. (See, now I am MISSING that folks thought of me ONLY as the "strong one". )

Catch 22, eh?

LOL!

ME

*Hope this made any sense! ANY feedback welcome...
**And this is very vulnerable sharing. Thanks again, SF!

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Darling? Quit overthinking and bring up the point. There is no place more fitting. You are safe here.

But, "darling", I "process as I write", sometimes...

SMOOCH!

[SuperFemme]

I feel like you could be describing ME Wildcat.

Before being run down by a drunk driver, I was a VERY successful project manager in the real estate development field. I was a single mom, and probably amongst the most independent people I know. Asking for help was not in my nature.

After the accident I was so so angry. I wanted my job back, my life back. I wanted to be strong and independent again. For a few (more than a few) years my entire identity BECAME my brain injury.

I am not angry anymore. If anyone feels like it, my website www.adelespot.net is a journey through the path that led me to peace.

I am still strong in many ways. I am independent in many ways. BUT I am not always these things. I ask for help, I check myself when I become frustrated with others who don't *get* me.

My first step to peace was watching a movie called 13 Conversations About One Thing which told the tale of a girl who acquired a brain injury when hit by a drunk hit & run driver. In that movie she says that she asked herself Why? Why was she in that spot at that time? Why did she go to the drycleaner that day? Why? Why? Why? She concluded that sometimes there is NO REASON WHY! That was my ah hah moment. Once I let go of the Why the anger went away and I embraced myself. In the brain injury rehab I attended they taught us how to grieve our former selves. All the stages. How to love who we were and not be our own worst enemy/critics.

Hence the title of this thread. It may sound harsh, but it is my hope that by coming here and sharing not just the bad, but the good we can embrace ourselves as different. I see many threads on many sites accentuating the negative of being differently abled. Sure, there are many many downsides, but the upsides feel a lot more pure than they used to,.

I hope this all made sense.

[Rook]

I'm Deaf...
And proud of it....
I don't believe that being Deaf is a handicap/disability, nor does it need "fixing"...
We have our own Culture{and sub-cultures*Latino + deaf, Queer + Deaf, POC + Deaf etc*.. }, our own Language {ASL / British Sign/ AuSLAN, ETC..}, Signing is the worlds 3rd most used Language, with it's own Structures, it is NOT the same as spoken English...
When a Hearing person assumes all I need is an invasive surgery, or hearing aids to succeed in Life, I find it prejudiced, and insulting...
I oftentimes butt heads with my Relatives, since they're Hearing, and refuse to learn ASL..
My constant reminder to them is "As soon as I'm sufficiently Fluent in ASL, and Spanish Sign, u better know some of it, or be ready to Write a lot..Because I'm not wearing these things any more than I have to"
I'm not a Purist Deaf{anymore}, but I also enjoy when someone makes the effort to be a part of my "world"...

I also have Dyscalculia, chronic Insomnia, I'm diagnosed Clinical Depression, PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder{Also abbreviated as BPD, but not bipolar heh} ....So I can, basically, proudly wear one of my buttons...
" I may not be Black Belt, but I do know Crazy"....

I have short term memory issues....
My boi gave it a lovely title... "Swiss cheese memory"..At first, hy thought I was fucking around, purposely/conveniently forgetting things discussed, but after a few times hy said "you're not messing with me, u really do have a memory problem"
which is true...and never does make much sense...
I can remember shit that happened to me years ago[oftentimes triggered FlashBacks, yeck]... I can have a photographic memory for things months ago, I can quote Shakespeare and E.A. Poe on a lark...But, don't ask me about yesterday, or the day before...Not w/o some effort or a helping clue, I will stare blankly, clueless{if I met you yesterday in person, be prepared to introduce yourself again}....And yes, I have a real shitty time remembering anniversaries and birthdays...I'm also chronically Late[unless I make the effort by arriving 1 hour early], but that's part of Dyscalculia or so Im told..

[atomiczombie]

I also have an aversion to receiving help from others. I think it's because I'm scared to need anyone, to show them my vulnerability. I am much more comfortable being the guy who has it all together and is able to nurture and care for the people he is close to. I pretty much disappeared off the internet for over a year, because I was so mentally disabled that I felt that I had absolutely nothing to say that would be of value.

I am still on disability for my panic disorder. I am just now finally starting to come out of my shell. It takes a lot of courage for me to tell people I have basically had a mental breakdown for the last year and a half and was too afraid to talk to people, answer my phone or leave the house for that long. But it is what it is, and I am getting a lot better every day.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I also have an aversion to receiving help from others. I think it's because I'm scared to need anyone, to show them my vulnerability. I am much more comfortable being the guy who has it all together and is able to nurture and care for the people he is close to. I pretty much disappeared off the internet for over a year, because I was so mentally disabled that I felt that I had absolutely nothing to say that would be of value.

I am still on disability for my panic disorder. I am just now finally starting to come out of my shell. It takes a lot of courage for me to tell people I have basically had a mental breakdown for the last year and a half and was too afraid to talk to people, answer my phone or leave the house for that long. But it is what it is, and I am getting a lot better every day.

I'm so glad you're back. Seriously. Thanks for doing the hard, hard work you've had to do because you are valued.

[SuperFemme]

***Bump***

I was wondering if anyone here has seizures? If so, do you find that cartoons, video games and/or flashing/blinking things on the computer exacerbate them?

I had a seizure the other day from a youtube someone sent me, and am curious to know if anyone else has this issue.

[Bit]

I don't have seizures, but strobe lights bother the heck out of me and I have to say that sometimes stuff on the computer screen makes me back up and turn my head away pretty quickly--especially youtubes.

I had to learn to ignore the movements of the smilies next to the posting window; I see them out of the corner of my eye as one picture with many disparate moving parts--and not synchronized, yanno? So it's sometimes hard to deal with.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[SuperFemme]

I could just hug you right now Bit. I was looking in my brain for the word "strobe" last night but it would NOT manifest in an actual thought.

The smiles I can ignore, but avatars that "strobe" make it difficult for me to read for fear of a seizure. THANK YOU for you input.

[Bit]

{{{{{{{{{{{Adele}}}}}}}}}}} I lose words sometimes too... MAN do I hate that.... but they always come back eventually. It might be days later, but hey... eventually. *wry smile*

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

***Bump***

I was wondering if anyone here has seizures? If so, do you find that cartoons, video games and/or flashing/blinking things on the computer exacerbate them?

I had a seizure the other day from a youtube someone sent me, and am curious to know if anyone else has this issue.

I certainly had two very different types of "episodes"... way back after the initial trauma. Acquired, thus from brain swelling. I won't describe much here, but one felt kind of nice and the other was REALLY horrible. It was quite subtle for anyone else to pick up on. (Well except when I would suddenly lose my gait walking down a crowded, busy street!)

I was "incapacitated" though. It would become too hard to just lift a finger, or answer anyone speaking to me. My brain just couldn't process that, not for delivery anyway. And the grief I felt during these. (Nearly on a spiritual level!)

There was evidence of paroxysmal discharge through some testing at a Mahattan clinic. (Could have started out one way and became "pseudoseizures" after time?) I had all the panic and anxiety, hyperventilation, memory loss, thinking my heart stopped in the middle of the night, etc... My left/right brain wiring was so screwed up. I know the medical folks focused more though on the "psychological trauma", my back/spine, physical therapy concerns - while I fought to remain independent (and wandered carelessly, aimlessly, staggering about the city like a drunken sailor at times)! It's funny now to think of the folks expressions coming at me when this would happen!

I went for ALL of the non-traditional therapy and treatment I could get myself into, especially as treatment like accupuncture became recognized as a legit medical treatment and accepted THEN by insurance companies! (Go N.Y.! One of the first areas to do so!!) I certainly was in the right town "that way" to get hurt! Regression therapy. Cranio-sacral, Chinese Herbs, myofascial release, on and on!! I took advantage!! (Which I attribute to the rate at which I healed.)

Anyway, NOTHING for years, (after a year and a half or so of these symptoms continuously, but becoming more and more, less prevalent). Then about three years ago, I felt one of the episodes coming on. I could NOT believe it. I was truly stunned. I recognized it though, told the person I was with that I was just going to sit and that I wouldn't move, or talk for a few minutes. Actually, she asked what she could do, and I asked her to just put her arms around me and hold me, very still. She was standing and I rested my head against the front of her, the most beautiful and healing place in the world, I believe! I was under a TON of stress right then (emotionally and psychologically), and was physically way over-exerting myself. I don't know what is structurally related either. I'm a MESS that way! Plus, I have a really BAD case of TMJ, and have had to be terrified for neuralgia attacks. Quite unpleasant.

But, I didn't know I was under stress. It seemed like just a "normal" time for me - at the time.

Anyway, when you wrote this Super... I thought STROBE affect. I do not care for that AT ALL, but didn't before my accident either. Like dancing out at queer clubs as a kid! I dislike it MUCH MORE NOW. (I'm a triple earth Virgo too though, and things need to make sense!?) So, I thought maybe the video you watched had a strobe affect, or I wondered if it was of a traumatic nature in content.

Someone posted a horrific video on another site of someone very BADLY injured, it was so graphic and was traumatic to watch. I wish I hadn't opened the link. (Head injury, not the "butt" one!! But, that one is now tatted on my psyche too!!)

However, once you mentioned the emoticons, I figured flashing or strobe of some kind. And I'm glad that you did. I'm sorry if I've used any emoticon with too much movement for you Adele. I really truly just simply overlooked that. I'll try and behave now! SMOOCH!

I know with birthday wishes, I cannot use the one flashing greeting all of the time. It doesn't feel right sometimes. But, that is not all of the time - and I never thought about it until now.

Anyway, this is a difficult subject for me to speak about. I wanted to answer you much sooner, but wasn't able to, until I gathered my thoughts about some of it. Plus, I am so private. I feel this is such a very good and important thread topic though.

And the "raise your freak flag" does not feel harsh to me - at all. I think that it is a bit funny actually. Gotta have some humor!! I'm just sensitive at folks being judgmental - for ANYONE. But, I admit that I've always loved being just a little bit strange! (You know there is "good strange" and then there is... the other, kinds... like "funny uncle" or something like that - and I don't mean a comedic relative.)

OK, I might be a "tad" crazy... so what?

Later!

Hugs ALL
WILD

*I apologize for my long, rambling "incoherent" (I've been told) writing style! Hope you get something out of it!!? At least it's a relief now to know some folks "skip" over my posts! Really.

**Shorter posts to follow though, promise!

[Cowboi]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

***Bump***

I was wondering if anyone here has seizures? If so, do you find that cartoons, video games and/or flashing/blinking things on the computer exacerbate them?

I had a seizure the other day from a youtube someone sent me, and am curious to know if anyone else has this issue.

Red blinking lights are know to trigger seizures.

[SuperFemme]

Wildcat, I am sorry somebody said such an ugly thing about your posts. They are not hard to read to me as I can appreciate the thought process of a person with a brain injury.

I love your recounting of asking the person you were with when you felt an episode coming on to put their arms around you. It has been my experience that when people around me are freaking out it is harder for me to regain my senses. I was in Vegas at a bash and there were strobe lights, my femme friend took me to the restroom and hugged me while singing opera. So awesome and peaceful that was.

I know people love smilies, and they don't bother me so much as the strobe lighty avatars.

I NEVER skip over your posts.

Thank you for sharing here, it is crucial that we all know we are not alone in the things we go through. You are a miracle. Having the injuries you've had I am amazed by you daily.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Cowboi

Red blinking lights are know to trigger seizures.

YES! When I go to the neurologist they shine strobe lights in my eyes to induce a seizure when I get an EEG (Electro Encephelogram). When Pokemon first came on the air it was giving kids all over Japan seizures...I wonder why the strobes cause this?

[suebee]

Originally Posted by WILDCAT

*I apologize for my long, rambling "incoherent" (I've been told) writing style! Hope you get something out of it!!? At least it's a relief now to know some folks "skip" over my posts! Really.

**Shorter posts to follow though, promise!

Well, I was going to post here about myself, but this is a chance to give an apology I've wanted to give for a week or more now.

Wildcat, it was me who said that your posts were long and rambling. (I don't think I said "incoherant" - but I may be wrong). I'll post later about myself, but for a number of reasons I tend to post literally at times, with no intention of offending. I won't bother disecting what happened in the exchange that led me to saying this to you, but it really wasn't meant to be offensive. Yeah, I know - maybe it's hard to believe.

In any case, I apologize if I offended you. And just to clarify - posts made after that weren't about you.

So, when I've digested THAT humble pie, I'll come back and post again. (if I remember to, that is!)

Sue