I love...

[Nat]

my beautiful M whom I'm spending a month with - starting in less than 3 days - who is beautiful, beautiful through and through and who loves me in a way that heals me and who lets me love her as deeply as I'm wont, who lets me shower her in kisses, who heals my heart and my hurt just by accepting me as I am

Garrison Keillor for his depth and his gorgeous poetry readings on the Writer's Almanac and his masterful and complex story-telling which I think is on-par with Shakespeare in many ways

Dorothy Allison for telling her stories about being poor, white, Southern, ill-thought-of, a survivor of abuse, and a victorious, beautiful, real, wise, funny femme

James Baldwin for the sheer and total beauty of his mind, the poetry of this thoughts, his philosophy, his attitude toward despair, his deep understanding of human psychology and sociology

my mom for loving me even in my worst moments and because she is so damn effing admirable in her own right

this site and those who make it both positive and possible, to those who labor for it, who breathed life into it, who mod it, who post frequently and have lately been the targets of vitriol because of their positive actions and their hard decisions.

Rachel Maddow for being an unapologetic, intellectual, gleefully geeky start to my day - and it doesn't hurt that she's adorable and a lesbian and that her girlfriend seems like the kind of woman I would love to know.

my pets - who are often the most warm and positive "people" in my daily life

my best friend who is much more like a sister to me,
her fabulous daughter who is (ridiculously!) already grown up now and gutsy and funny and just full of awesome

my best friend's husband who is a long-term LGBTQ ally, an artist, and who cried on their wedding day. I love him in his own right, but I love him all the more for being so good for and to my fiery friend

PFLAG - for offering comfort and allyship even in conservative Texas counties like mine. I am thinking of joining.

my little scientist brother and his collection of bugs - who just got his marine biology bachelor's this year, made high scores on his GRE and who is spending his summer collecting data on sea turtles in Mexico

all memories of childhood involving dress-up or a sprinkler or make-believe or the basketball my dad gave me.

women's basketball (on occasion) - mostly because I once wanted to play and then also because it just makes me happy to watch

the laughing jesus - just the idea of a laughing Jesus brings a bit of warmth to my soul.

sea shells - even the broken ones

the toads we found happily under some left-over boards in the back yard - may they have found new homes by now. Perhaps a summer project will be to make fancy toad-houses for these sweet bug-eating creatures.

dragons and mermaids - dragons because they remind me of her, mermaids because I just always have loved them

cigarettes (dammit I broke down last night with no bfp online)

feminism (thank you thank you thank you)

barton springs pool (austin, tx) at night under the full moon (worth the shivers)

zilker gardens (gorgeous, romantic, well-planned)

camping (with showers and bathrooms nearby, thanks)

zen podcasts (because they give me peace, they make me challenge myself)

having a job (thank the gods)

camp camp (beautiful, bizarre, occasional free-mic queer night in Austin)

having a vehicle that moves forward if not back

wondering about the difference between forward and forwards, between toward and towards

meditation (because it brings me gifts, because it's a gift I give to myself and anybody who has to deal with me)

remembering an old therapist's phrase, "that's on you" - remembering when to apply it to me, remembering when to apply it to others

remembering the AA phrase, "you spot it you got it" when it comes to criticism. (I grew up with mountains of criticism, and it helps me to know in my own heart that when I have trouble with others, it's usually because I see some part of myself in them. I can't fix others, but I can always work to fix myself)

keeping my side of the street as clean as possible (I have a lot of work to do)

all the hard lessons love has taught me (I am the better person for those lessons)

my lottery fantasies (they are worth the price)

Tracy Chapman for her words and her silence, her strength and her delicacy, her decency, her activism

Johnny Depp for his idealism and artistic talent and integrity and his life-long struggle with being objectified

Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby which broke my heart

Hillary Swank for Boys don't cry and for being an ally to our community

Chloe Sevigny for existing

Kate Winslett for refusing to be generic, for being lush and full-bodied by hollywood standards, for having integrity

Cate Blanchett for her total commitment to her craft and her huge talent

old episodes of Northern Exposure - especially the lesbian episode

The movie and the book, "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf

digging in the dirt (literally)

Peter Gabriel for speaking his truth regarding violation in his childhood

Being kind even when it's hard

The kindness of strangers - often realized long after the fact and therefore ensconced in a type of sadness

All of the many things taught to me, brought to me, shared with me by former lovers and friends - those gifts remain even when the partings were harsh

those moments when things seem possible, like when the wind blows hard and gusty in the tall trees and it feels like change is in the air

Texas thunderstorms - a thing I never stop missing when I spend time elsewhere

kids - who can be savage and cruel but who also can be real in a way that's beyond me. The first time I met my best friend's kid, she was 5 and had an imaginary friend. When I met her again, she was a second grader. She sat down with me in the back seat of the car and said to me, "You're a little bit chubby, Mommy's a little bit chubby, and I'm a little bit chubby, AND THAT'S OKAY!" She was so young and so sweet and so warm. She learned from her mother to always build people up and to appreciate the real things worth appreciating about them, to encourage them. She's extremely funny but never cruel. She's a good kid. If I ever have a kid, I hope s/he turns out at least half as well.

Near the end of his life, the story goes that Buddha instructed his followers to be lights unto themselves, but I must say I deeply appreciate those who manage to be lights for other people too. The road is long, the critics and ill-wishers too many to count, our rights, our lives, our treatment in sickness, old age and death are up in the air. We have all made it to adulthood without escaping some level of damage. But like Leonard Cohen says, "There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I aspire to keep my sputtering lamp lit, to keep love in my heart, to choose generosity over judgmentalism, to keep fanning the flames of hope within and without this community. I love those people who are able to keep those flames going so brightly we can see our way a little better when our flames are at their lowest.

I love my eccentric family, they give me comfort that my own idiosyncracies are alright and not unlovable.

I love my iphone because it keeps me connected to brain stimulation while working at my repetitive and thankless job (for which I am still so grateful). I love podcasts and audio books and classes that keep my mind and soul from atrophying in this small fundy town.