What will happen when you die?

[Ciaran]

What will happen when you die?


When I ask this question, I’m not inquiring whether there is an after life and, if there is, what form it will take but rather I’m talking about what will happen in the immediate days after your death?


Is this something that you think about? Have you already made arrangements? Does it concern or worry you or, since you’ll be dead anyway, you won’t care?


As I continue into middle-age, I find that I’m attending more funerals – aunts, uncles, parents of friends and so on. Like many other aspects of Irish life, many death rituals remain – people are usually buried within two or three days of death and in the run-up to the funeral, a “wake” is held in which people will stay constantly around-the-clock, day and night, by the open coffin.


I’m not sure if it’s due to these funerals but I find that what will happen to me on death is increasingly on my mind. It’s not something that keeps me awake at night nor does it cause me undue stress nor am I morbid about it. However, it is definitely somewhere in my mind. Therefore, whilst I’m still not sure what I’m trying to tell myself about what I want on death, I know there’s some need or desire within me; maybe I will understand better as I age.


Let me explain further. The funerals I’ve attended in recent years have been large and local affairs – for example, held in the small town where my family was raised for generations (family graves back to the 1600s in the cemetery and so on), the church service held in the same church where the deceased had been baptised 80 years earlier, the attendees at the funeral service who had known the deceased since pre World War Two days and so on.


My parents, who are in their late 60s and hopefully still have many years in this world left, had already planned what will happen when they die almost 40 years ago – it was something that they agreed shortly after they got married. By agreeing, it was in terms of whether they would both be buried in the grave of my mother’s parents or the grave of my father’s parents. So for decades, they’ve known the spot in the earth that will be their resting place.


A part of my issue with what will happen when I die is inextricably linked to my sense of place. Place is all-important to me. It defines me. Returning to Belfast by plane, the approach over the Irish Sea is beautiful. Yet, strangely, one of my first thoughts as I see the lights of Belfast is that, if the plane goes down now, at least I’ll die on home soil. That conveys to me that it’s probably important that I am scattered at home and, if I have the choice, to die there too.


And, yes, "scattered" as I would prefer cremation to burial. Cremation remains disliked by most Irish Catholics (the practice was outlawed by the Church until 1963 but is still frowned upon by many). However, I’d prefer cremation to burial – I don’t like graveyards and would rather my ashes were scattered somewhere poignant and positive to me.


The whole issue of “dying at home” and “scattered at home” is something that my parents and their forefathers and foremothers have not had to contend with but I do. My life path will likely take me to the Philippines in another 5 to 7 years and I’m not planning on returning to live in Northern Ireland for a decade or so after that - and who knows if that will happen or not ……..... it leaves plenty of opportunity to die abroad, likely in a place where I have no family and possibly limited real friendships.


Even if I do return home to die, the challenges are greater for my generation than for my parents. Due to the Irish economic crash, my generation is one of diaspora. Many of us, who spent our childhood and formative adult years growing up together, have since left our home city of Belfast for parts of Great Britain or Australia or elsewhere. We maybe see each other once a year if we are lucky so whilst these are real friendships, their quality is ironically both more nostalgic and more electronic than the friendships of my parents’ generation which remain more day-to-day, face-to-face.


Therefore, how many of my family and friends will be in Belfast for my funeral when I do return to die? At this stage, it looks like many will never return – and I wouldn’t expect many friends to travel half-way across the world to attend a funeral service at very short notice.


As I stated above, I still haven’t quite worked out what all of this means or what I really want. However, wondering if others here also think about the practicalities of the days immediately following their death?


In particular, there are additional challenges for many in this community due to their LBGT status and, in many cases, being disowned by family. Also, specific challenges due to lack of marriage status and, potentially for many trans-folk, issues re legal gender status versus lived or preferred gender status.


So, back to my question, what will happen when you die?

[Laidbackgrly]

I am coming back and i am gonna haunt people

[Chancie]

I had a very bad health scare recently.

I survived a medical event which would have led to my death, had it gone untreated.

Before I realized what was going on, I worried about Pete.

Where would she live if I died?

How much time would she have to grieve if I died in the hospital?

After I got home, I asked my mother to promise that she would not kick Pete out of my house, and she did, but

It is clear to me that I have to make some legal arrangements.

We just moved in together, and I doubt I will put her on the deed, and

If we were to split up, the house would still be mine, but

If something were to happen to me, I would want Pete to have the security of her home.

[Miss_J]

Oddly enough this is something that has been on my mind as well.
I've made some plans as to who gets what, not that there is much of anything except pictures and momentos of people and places in my life.
I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at home in Montana where my brother and father before me have had theirs scattered.

My greatest concern at the moment is what will happen to my pup? Will she be taken care of and loved like I love her and would care for her? Will she end up in a shelter? Will the person I've asked to care for her actually be ready willing and able to provide a home for her?
The two people I know would without a doubt care for her and love her are across the states from me and I have no idea how to provide direction or means to 1. Care for her before they can take her or 2. Provide for the expenses involved in getting her to that place.

Ciaran, thank you for your post.

[sis]

This topic has crossed my mind several times during my adult life. I haven't lived with my bio family since I was in my late teens. Now, as my employment takes me further from 'home' I do think about 'going home' when I pass away. I love my country of birth and would like to buried deep in the soil of the prairies near Lake Winnipeg. I have nothing planned other than having shared my thoughts that I want to be cremated - my standard comment is put me in a quart sealer as a tribute to my grandmother who loved to cook, bake and preserve food. Other than that, I haven't really thought out the logistics.

[Vivacious1]

This is a good thread. I know that most of us would rather not think about death. The sure thing is that we will die at some point. As I have gotten older I have also thought a great deal about when I die. What will happen?
My G/F and I have actually discussed this at great length and have already, and continue to make arrangements to not only relieve family of the burden of our death (financially) but to set into place the actions that are to be taken at the time of our death.
I have learned a great deal from her about being responsible even when we die.
Some of the things we have found to be important are:
1) a will (suprisingly anything written/signed by you) (preferably notorized, but not necassary) will most likely hold up after you die.) The things I found important to include were, where I would like to be buried, the tone of the event, the dispersment of monies and property etc....
2) Life insurance- while some find this to be rather daunting and even morbid, I find it to be security. I know that when I go that I can take care of myself, my final expenses (which will ease the burden on the people I love) and take care of the people I love as well.
3) I have written some persoal notes for those in my life because I know that when people that I love have passed away, I longed for something, some final word (one last thing)

Now that I have stated all that mumbo jumbo.... What will happen after I die?
Life will go on. This is a big thing that has been on my mind. While we will always be remembered and missed, maybe even tears shed from time to time, Our life is short. We have sometimes one chance to make a difference. I know that sometimes we think of all the things that we hope to have or achieve in the future (if this happens, I will do this) (Always putting off today for what may happen tomorrow) What if today is the last day? My goal is to let the people I love know it. Try to live today and hope for more days. I hope to leave behind something that made a difference in the lives of people I was blessed to be a part of. I hope that they smile or even laugh when they think of me, my sarcastic ways, my blunt tone etc... Most of all, the fact that I loved with passion.

[Rockinonahigh]

I recently bought a final expence policy to cover whatever needs doing after I pass on,I have a will that covers what ever estate I may have wich he will get,my fur kids will be with my son who I share a house with.The fur kids love him almost as much as they do me.My son has a fue close friends the rest of the people he knows are co workers and others who pass through his life,he is to much like me unfourtunatly but with the world as it is it is probly better to just keep things close to the vest.I chose cremation then he will bring me home and put me on my trophie case faceing the window.I told him when the time comes I will always be there just speak to me and I will hear and respond in some way just be open minded about how I do it.I was going to get a life inshurance policy but the disablity office said if I did they would take it from my boy cause of me being on disablity its sort of a pay back to them.All I can say if F to the sso will do what I must so my passing wont be a financable burden to him,he has worked very hard to have what he has and achived in his life time,like his own slice of the american dream pie.
One thing for shure there are a fue people who I will haunt just for fun,I mean a little karma will keep them wondering.

[Gráinne]

Well, I know exactly what I don't want.

When my oldest brother died in Illinois, his widow never thought to call me or his daughters from his previous marriage-we all had to find out secondhand, then drive like a maniac (thank God it was only a six hour drive from Arkansas) to reach the funeral on time. The daughters drove from the opposite direction, from Minnesota.

The funeral-there he was, in his open coffin (not commonly done in my family), and it was a shock as my kids had never seen that before. Then canned hymns and words from the ancient funeral director, who hadn't known him well. My brother died of a heart attack in his own kitchen, and the director made note that he "was in Jesus's arms before he hit the floor". With the shock and grief, I nearly burst out laughing but it came out a sob. Same with his daughters, next to me.

Then the widow had him buried in Chicago, which is an inconvenient place to "visit" him, as there's no family there. I don't know why he's there, except maybe that was his wife's home. Yeah, you could say I was bitter for a long while after that.

When my middle brother died, he had the full military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. He had been divorced from my sister-in-law for twenty years, but they remained very close. She and my nephews arranged the funeral, making sure everyone approved, then arranged a reception at a hotel afterwards. It was so "him", I bawled.

My parents did the same thing as Ciaran's parents, but they were cremated and are in a niche together. They didn't want the children to have to go to that expense while in shock. Both of them had included how they wanted their memorial service to go in their wills. I gave a eulogy for my father.

As for me-I've been thinking of this too. The catch is that I don't see myself living in America after about 5-6 years. My children will be grown by then, and I've long known that even though I am from here, I'm not of here. I live here, but I'm not home.

It was my thought that my children and their families hold a memorial service in the States. I will have a suggested playlist in my final papers, with not a sad hymn in sight. It will at least include Led Zepplin's "Over The Hills and Far Away", some Van Morrison, and a favorite Warren Zevon song. Perhaps some other selections that show my absolute lack of good taste and dark sense of humor. I want laughter. If there's an insistence on a reading, then Isaiah 55:12.

Then I will be cremated, and my children bring me back to a place I haven't found yet, to be scattered. I don't know all the legalities of this, but it will be long arranged ahead of time (I hope).

I understand a type of "diaspora", in a sense. American society is very mobile, and most of my family has moved far from our home state. Thus, my family is buried in Chicago, Washington D.C., Wisconsin, and Ohio. Further generations back are also all over the place. It's a further issue when your home country isn't even "home".

[deb_U_taunt]

I have bought a box and cremation services. I don't want to leave the responsibility to anyone to have to carry around my remains or have to figure out what I want.
In the last year I have put all insurance papers and bank passwords in a safe, which my mom and daughter have keys to. I became solvent at the beginning of this year. I added both to my bank accounts.
I have put names and dates and put in folders all my pictures and framed and hung so many more.
I have sold my house and moved closer to family.
My mom and one sister said they will take care of my baby (dog).

I used to believe we became worm food. But my grandma passed away a year ago and her energy is with me everyday. My grandpa (her husband of 71 years) and her dog passed away within months of her. I know she pulled them to her.

[always2late]

I'm going to be cremated, and my ashes will be buried in this bio urn which will become a tree.

[Ginger]

I don't care what happens to my body after I die. As for my "affairs," I have everything in order. My sister will likely get stuck dealing with the closure tasks that come with someone's death. I don't care what she does. Knowing her it will be economic and secular. That's fine.

[Turtle]

I have a very distinct feeling for the spirit being gone from the body...

...the body will go to transplant anything possible, the remains get cremated, the ocean or a nice mountain for scattering is good.

The service is up to partner and kids, it's for them anyway.

Beneficiaries are named. Done.

[skeeter_01]

My bff and I have promised each other that if anything happened to either of us..the survivor will take custody of the others dog..she's the first on my ICE on my phone....

Just knowing that Ty (my dog) would be going with his "aunt Jess" has taken all of the fear out of THAT part of that fateful day....

skeet

[KCBUTCH]

Well the cool thing I recently discovered is to have your remains incoporated into a newly planted tree sapling
Biodegradable urn
I was going to be cremated but this is way better

[LeftWriteFemme]

The thing that used to worry me about my death was who would have to empty out all my overstuffed rooms. Happily I have had a break through with the pack rat problem and so my mind is at ease concerning clean up. I have a list of people to be called and other than that no real concerns. Honestly I never expected to live this long, but now that I have I have stopped worrying about dying young.......age is a great solution for that...

[kittygrrl]

I've actually done a fair amount of musing on my passing of late. I don't think I will have many mouners, and a formal funeral is not to my liking. Creamation I think makes it easier and less expensive. I prefer a forest setting but I am not sure how much that will matter considering. A living will is a good idea.

Insofar as what I think happens after death, I'm fairly certain as I've already been there once in my 20's. I think we go where we are very comfortable and even happy. There is more to do on the other side then there is here, but you love your work there. It's not a burden.

[midwest chick]

My kids and I talk about this every now and then, they have an uncle who works in mortuary sciences...and I'm a nurse...so this isn't for everyone.

I want to have tissue digestion using alkali, aka water reduction, which is only performed/legal in a few states (was banned in Ohio a few years ago) and then be plant food--I was thinking a double blossom Cherry(yeah, pink) tree. The process is much cleaner environmentally than cremation, which creates considerable air pollution, so that's kinda out for me.

Some really good ideas can be perused in the book 'Stiff The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers' by Mary Roach. I thought some parts were hilarious, but keep in mind I'm a nurse, so I'm 'bent' that way...

[princessbelle]

I have my affairs in order, insurance, house all that jazz.

As for me, i will be cremated and i want to go into the tackiest urn ever invented. Bright pink with glitter and maybe flashing lights. I hope i sit on a mantel somewhere and bug the crap out of anyone who sees me. Just as i do in real life.

Or i could end up in a closet.

Wouldn't be the first time.

[Boots13]

My affairs are in order. Will, Insurance to cover mortgage, beneficiaries,etc.

What I've earned :
- I'm entitled to a Military Funeral... gun salute, flag, taps, headstone.

- I've also earned a full Honor Guard while waiting interrment, Full Motorcycle Escort from funeral home to memorial to graveside, due to my current assignment.

- And if its in the line of duty I get the whole shabang...bagpipes, honor guard, flag, horse escort w/ absent rider - boots backwards in the stirrups, military styled procession, and a multi-agency memorial service.


I think the pomp and circumstance of a line of duty death, or a decorated public servant can be daunting emotionally. I'm not sure I want to put people through it, but its standard call of duty stuff. And in a weird way its a cohesive time. Co-workers lay down petty animosities and actually band together.


What I want :
At the end of the day, after all the pomp and circumstance
sprinkle my ashes high on a mountaintop, facing the west so the sunsets can announce another beautiful day is coming to an end.

[PaPa]

When with my ex of 13 years, we had a very similar conversation. I found it odd and morbid that her family had a history of purchasing not only plots for burial but also going to pick out their coffins and paying for them in advance. Within my own family we had the burial plots purchased ahead of time, but held money back for the rest of the expenses to be bought upon death. When with her we would many times each year hold a pilgrimage to visit the graves of those who passed before us. That was also a new tradition for me as my family held the beliefs that if you wanted a person to have flowers and visitation then you should do it when they were alive. There were many differences between our two families. But I found some of my views were to change.

So what did I learn? My ex passed away in 2007 and things were much different than she had expected and we had discussed. Her father had her cremated; she was not in attendance at her memorial service; there was no wake; and there was no big to-do so to speak. The minister accidentally called her by her mother’s name, who had preceded her in death by a few years, and instead of music the attendees got led by the minister in singing Amazing Grace. To this day I cannot even listen to that song because it makes me feel horrible about what happened in her final moments of memory.

That was not her plans. She wanted a wake, a funeral, she wanted family and friends to talk with one another about wild times they had with her. She wanted to be remembered for her best. She wanted to be there in body and spirit. She always added one more thing...the funny part...she wanted buried with Reese’s peanut butter cups and a 6 pack of Pepsi because those were her favorite snacks and she didn’t want to be without them if she were allowed to have them where she was going. She was also diabetic so this added to the amusement when she said it. I can now hear her laugh as I recount this story and it makes me smile, because for three or four years after her death I could not hear her voice or laughter.

Her stuff? Her father came in with some of her children and their friends…he got a huge dumpster and placed it out back and began throwing things away and yard saling the rest. Never once was I asked to come down to assist. In his eyes I had no rights there even though it was the life her and I built together. Yes. I moved back home with my parents to return to school and things had changed drastically with us, but it was still our lifetime together that he just threw away with disregard to any emotional ties whatsoever. I was able to bring one of our dogs home with me, but my mother wouldn’t let me keep the other one too. Since it was my exes dog, she was taken to the pound. The happy ending to this aspect is that I have been very blessed to have her back with me now. I honestly believe she ran away from the adopters because she was hunting me and the pound had picked her up again. She is home now where she belongs and where she will stay.

So this brings me to what will happen with me? I also have pondered these questions in my mind over the years since that experience. I have never wanted cremation...just like my ex didn’t either. However, my perspective has changed. I had our older dog (Scamp) cremated when she passed. I will also have our other dog (Ginger) cremated when it is her time. And surprise surprise...I would also like to be cremated and all of us returned to the soil with her. I would like all of us in the same burial spot. I don’t know if it will happen, but I do know that those are my wishes.

As for your questions, I believe they are multi-faceted not only with self-understanding and thoughts, but also because in many instances our relationships are not honored as such. Thanks for posing these questions because I think it would help to see others' responses as well.