Grieving

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by guihong

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

I snipped a bit of your post because I wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I mean well, so please forgive me if I am over-stepping.

When my mean, rotten, nasty step-father passed away, my Mother did not have a service for him. She just cremated him, and left him in the box until my Uncle took the box one day and released his ashes at sea. None of us were there....

You know, when I look back he wasn't always mean/rotten/nasty...we had some wonderful times with him when we were younger...and I feel cheated that I didn't get to say goodbye to the person he once was, instead of who he became.

Blessings to you during this diffacult time.

[iamkeri1]

Guihong,
We have all kinds of feelings about our families while we are alive, and we have all the same feelings about them after they die, only then we feel guilty about some of them. Deciding whether or not to go to the funeral will be hard. I hope you can fend a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe you could think of it the way Tinkerbelly mentioned and choose to go and mourn for the loss of the person you knew and loved from an earlier time in your lives. I send you light and strength.
Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

Monday the 21st will be the 11th Anniversary of the day my Dad dropped dead from a heart attack. He had gone gambling; because like this coming Monday, THAT Monday was a holiday from his work. He was playing the slots and had a massive coronary...they say he was dead before he hit the floor. He was 59 years old......

As a favor to me, reach out this Monday (heck every day) and hug someone...tell them you care.

[Sparkle]

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Dear Sparkle,

I am lifting you and your family up in prayer. I can understand how you feel. If you ever want to post more about your Dad, please feel free too.

You have my deepest sympathies,
Andrew

[DamselFly]

may all experiencing the death of a family member, esp. that of an parent, be comforted! the conflicting emotions, be they grief, anger, emptiness, whatever, can be overwhelming and confusing! esp. if that parent was abusive or impaired in some other manner, find a safe person with whom you can talk, vent, voice whatever you are feeling-whenever you feel up to doing so! when my father died, the reaction of my family was to throw ME away...literally! i was not told when he died, where he died, where he was buried. i was not invited to the funeral, nor given anything from his estate. all i had wanted was his beloved guitar. in addition to grieving the loss of a father, i was faced with the loss of my entire family. that was over 15 years ago. to this day, no-one has responded to any phone calls, email, snailmail, any attempts by me to do whatever I could to heal this breach. no-one even let me know WHY this happened. my brother has a family of his now who do not even know i exist. i have a niece and others who have lost, through no doing of their own, a person who would have been a wonderful aunt! i have been lucky enough to have found wise and compassionate people (therapists and friends) to help me sort and handle my feelings over this then and whenever they arise again unexpectedly to knock me off my emotional balance. use whatever means will give you comfort and health. be compassionate towards both those who hurt you AND, most importantly, towards yourself!
namaste, my friends,
DamselFly

[DamselFly]

i don't know if this is the thread where i should post this but could find no-other. i have received more devastating news regarding my sight, or lack thereof. when i went to see the glaucoma specialist Wed (at the best eye clinic in the state, part of the OU medical complex in OKC), he told me that since i was seen a month ago, i have lost another 5% of my optic nerve in my right eye. my vision is now severely restricted in both eyes-i have 10% of my optic nerve in my L eye and 5% in my R eye. he said at this point, surgery is not an option, all i can do is to retain what little vision i have left for as long as possible. blindness is inevitable. i am learning braille and attempting to decide where the best place would be for me to live as a vision-impaired person. i am also consulting w/ my dr about the advisabilty of getting a service dog now. anyone out there have similar vision problems? if so, please get in contact w/me!
namaste and gassho,
DamselFly

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

I loved my father so much, yet when he died I felt nothing....empty. It took a year almost and a stupid song on the radio triggered my grief.

Be good to yourself, and feel what you feel....none of it is wrong

[LeftWriteFemme]

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

[Andrew, Jr.]

It has been 31 years since my younger brother died by suicide. I have mixed emotions. Some years this date just flies by, and other years I have to take a step back and think on it.

I wish all who are here much peace and love.

Andrew

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

Yes, sometimes just breathing is the very best any of us can do.

I am so very sorry for your loss

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am having a really tough time today with my Mom's loss....She and my Dad promised Amy that they would be there to see her graduate, come to find out she is grieving so badly she doesn't care whether she graduates or not!

How could I be so blind to her suffering?

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am having a really tough time today with my Mom's loss....She and my Dad promised Amy that they would be there to see her graduate, come to find out she is grieving so badly she doesn't care whether she graduates or not!

How could I be so blind to her suffering?

The following is a hard thing for a grown adult to access, and even harder for a young person:

Sometimes things happen that are utterly out of our control. We can make promises that we're prevented from keeping, and it's not anyone's fault.

Fairness has absolutely nothing to do with it. If life was fair there are all sorts of politicians who would be dead, and our loved ones would still be here with us. Those who seek fairness in mortality will never find it, nor will they find peace.


I hope you and your daughter find solace. Please don't blame yourself for your daughter's suffering. It's natural to want to shield her, but she has her own journey. We each have to grieve in our own way, and it can be consuming.

[choochoo-enginerd]

With gratitude I find a thread exists about such heartfelt and pervasive issues. As I scroll through the posts, inevitably I recognize a commmon thread. Whether 2 months, five years or more, those of us who have lost someone with whom we were deeply connected continue to grieve however vocal or silent. I have asked myself on some days if the open hearted grief would dissipate, and over time the frequency of overwelming sadness lessened, a couple years following. Thank you to those who have shared their feelings and stories, and some day soon I shall unfold mine. Appreciating the present and gifts life's path provides upon occasion is the heightened realization at which I have arrived.

[iamkeri1]

Today is my hubby's birthday. He would be 60 today if he was still alive. He died almost eight years ago. This year I am missing him very much. Like Andrew said (implied) some years are easier than others.
Keri

[Mr. Moon]

Keri I'm so sorry you're feeling the loss today.
But I know we feel it everyday, don't we?
And yes, some times are better than others...

My loss amazes me in how my "humaness" reacts....
if that makes any sense.

I just don't feel like myself anymore.

-Mr. Moon

[Dean Thoreau]

Andrew and Iamkerri, I so agree some years are just horrible.....and you feel the loss so much more.
In my case, today I could barely work....the "anniversary" of my daughter Lora's death is not until December 1st but I am already slipping....
walked around sniffling at work all day...maybe its the fact that its the 10 year mark i dont know....maybe its the fact that one of my grandkids..says words a lot like she use to BOP for stop.....lellow for yellow....
I just know that Lora should be turning 23 on Dec 24 and should be a nurse and driving a jeep liberty and meeting a lawyer (she had these plans) and getting married and adopting two children (she knew she could not give birth since she had AIDS, and did not want to give it to them)....and still 20 years since my son john died, 10 years since my daughter died and still no friggin cure for a disease that is killing adults and children..then i sink further think of son jack who was walking down a street....and in 2005 is killed.....
.so I cry, and cry some more
.....and miss her and my sons john & jackie and sink into a depression...
and some asshole says to me" ahh but they are in a better place, they are with the Lord....."
And I say..............
I guess i better stop before I offend someone...or something
Its hell outliving your children.....and people u love....

[iamkeri1]

Dean
When hubby died, I joined widownet.org, an online grieving group that helped me so much. One thing "older" member recommended was to "tell your story." For me it was like ripping my guts out, and I did it only once. But for many it gave comfort. If you would find it comforting to talk about it, please tell us the story of the loss of your children... or just tell us about your children. They sound wonderful. I for one would be honored to hear about them.
Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

I came in here today because the grief is welling up again and I find it nearly impossible to contain...yet reading some of the other posts, I am reminded how very lucky I was to have had my loved ones as long as I did.

Dean, I am firm in my belief of God....but the first person who said my loved ones were better off with the Lord got a pretty good tongue lashing from me regarding insensitive comments. I realize they just don't know what to say and the first stupid thing pops out, but seriously, they are better off dead and with the Lord????

I am so very sorry for the loss of your children.

[asphaltcowboi]

today is the 8th anniversary of my mom passing.. im missing her so much this year... love you mom