Baby Butch Journey

[Julie]

Okay...

When I met Dreamer, I was still living with my "ex," due to a number of reasons. Bottom line, no matter what, my ex and I were still family and were quite intertwined. We still are in many ways (financially, etc). Though we have not lived together for 18 months, we did. We remain close and continue to love and respect one another. She is an integral part of my life and my children's. EX in the picture does not mean cheating and dishonesty (always).

There was no hidden agenda for our living together, it was open and honest. There are many people who break up and for whatever their reasons are, they must remain that way until the situation can change.

So, don't be so harsh to judge - Because really... You could be speaking about Dreamer and I - And giving the advice to run. And we are still together and strong.

Unless you know the facts -- And unless you (Blu) feel safe in that relationship and have the knowledge and trust this person - see where it goes. The other people could be right, run for the hills. However, it could be as simple as the truth your new person is giving.

There are risks in every new relationship. Go with your intuition. I know Dreamer did.

Julie

[always2late]

Originally Posted by Jett

Can you call her anytime on the landline? Have you all been together in the same room? Does she talk to you differently when her "ex" is in the same room w/ her? Is it ok for you to just show up at the door while her "ex" is there (I say ex b/c you said g/f I assume it it supposed to be her ex).

I ask these questions b/c sometimes- often I bet that two people that break up live together for awhile out of convenience. I wouldn't write her off, anyone off unless there is evidence, signs that she's keeping you a secret... if it's all very open I'd say give it a good go.

Not knowing your entire situation....I think this post by Jett says it best. My first instinct when reading your post was "Red flag...RUN!" But after some consideration...I realized that this assessment was not really fair. I don't know you, or the parties involved...and can't make a sweeping generalization based solely on my own experience. However, the questions posed by Jett are excellent and would be a valid tool in helping you assess what is going on.

[Billy]

Hellloooooo Red flag !!!!!!

<-------------red flag hitting you over the head ....

Sounds like a red flag . Just sayin !

[princessbelle]

I am with the gray area responses. It depends. A lot of situations have to stay this way...for awhile...but just...for awhile.

But, an additional thought to think about: Make sure that you are not a rebound.

Make really sure enough time has passed since that relationship ended and she has grieved. Ask her about it.

It is an important piece to the breaking up process with a close ex in any situation, especially one where they still live together.

She may be hurt and needing someone. Doesn't mean a relationship right now is a great idea. Try to just be there as a friend first, especially if this is a new breakup.

Lots of good advice here..Red Flags, gut feelings, acting strange on the phone with you when the ex is around...and proper time to have grieved the past relationship.

..i hope you come back and post and let us know how it is going.

[Soft*Silver]

I had a couple really bad experiences with partners with exes around. NO THANK YOU. That will never happen again to me, no matter what an angel an ex might be. I dont have it in me.

But this is about you. You say you dont want to lose her. Well, that tells me she is seen as "property". From one person to the next, possession seems to be the key here in your statement.

A gal isnt a possession...a gift, yes, but not a possession. If she is yours, she is yours. It wouldnt matter if Mother Theresa lived with her or Cassonova.

can you see the difference....?

[Gráinne]

It's great when a situation like this works out as well as Julie and Dreamer's, and part of their relationship, I think, is mutual maturity and honesty from day 1. However, to be honest, it usually just turns into a messy situation. You need to be clear if this is "broken up but both are free to move on" or if there's an element of sneaking around and "not quite broken up". There doesn't seem to be enough information to tell.

If you just met, You may not have enough information on this girl's character, let alone if she's truly your great love. All the better not to get too enmeshed and just see how it goes.

Trust your deepest instincts, and don't make excuses or let this girl pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. Get to know her before you get your heart involved (that's for any relationship, actually ).

[blucollargrl]

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

[blucollargrl]

Originally Posted by 1QuirkyKiwi

What does your gut-feeling tell you? Can you call her anytime?

As the other posters have said; are they limitations of when and where you can spend time together?

Have you seen where she lives?

Does ahe have a Polyamourous relationship with her 'girlfriend' and hasn't said?

It's hard not to build your hopes up about someone, but, sometimes, we have no control over who our heart desires, so caution is needed to protect yourself from getting hurt.

I'm upfront with the fact I share a house with my English cousin - I've also posted often on here that I do.

I am still unknown to people around her....

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

Blu...

Maybe if you answered some questions that people have asked. Then perhaps they can give you some better advice without the harsh words by some because you haven't given the entire story....

Help us out to help you!

[twist of lime]

There is the rule and the exception. Plenty of good advise and things to give thought to. That being said...

Slingshot outa' there.

*drama awaits

[blucollargrl]

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

[Gráinne]

If you've told her "a few times" that you're done trying, you're not done trying.

Beautiful people on the inside don't suddenly have another potential woman in the wings. Beautiful people don't engage in the "back and forth" and all the drama of being together. Beautiful people don't get pissed off when you stand up for yourself.

Great chemistry doesn't mean squat if you have doubts to her trustworthiness. That's what you're really asking us; does this sound like a lot of smoke up your nethers, or the real deal?

Even if she is aboveboard, there are a lot more potential partners out there without all the sturm and drang. Really look at yourself, and ask if you are in fact more attracted to the excitement, and are women without all the drama "boring"?

You don't "have" her at all, and in my cynical little world, you, the other girl, and quite possibly the not-so-ex are all going for a ride. I'm sorry, though; I know well how that chemistry feels.

[UofMfan]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

I am with the gray area responses. It depends. A lot of situations have to stay this way...for awhile...but just...for awhile.

But, an additional thought to think about: Make sure that you are not a rebound.

Make really sure enough time has passed since that relationship ended and she has grieved. Ask her about it.

It is an important piece to the breaking up process with a close ex in any situation, especially one where they still live together.

She may be hurt and needing someone. Doesn't mean a relationship right now is a great idea. Try to just be there as a friend first, especially if this is a new breakup.

Lots of good advice here..Red Flags, gut feelings, acting strange on the phone with you when the ex is around...and proper time to have grieved the past relationship.

..i hope you come back and post and let us know how it is going.

Excellent advice pink princess. I could not have said it better myself.

[Ebon]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

Sounds like she just broke up with someone and is seeing what dating is like again. She may need the space to do that for awhile until she's ready for something more serious.

[midwest chick]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

Questions that you should ask yourself, include (but are not limited to)

Is this woman of the 'serial relationship' variety? How do I feel about being in a relationship with her, while she is still outprocessing the previous one?

If I'm questioning trustworthiness now, and it's obvious that she is not a full-diclosure type person (since you are an unknown entity in her life) how will that impact, and affect my feelings, confidence and self worth in the future? How is this affecting me now?
Is she honestly just dating, and I want more, and possibly reading more into this experience? Although, in an honest dating scenario, all parties are aware of the situation, and that there is no exclusivity agreement.



It sounds like a TIMEOUT is called for, at this point. You might want to clarify your own expectations, desires, and wishes for your next relationship, discuss them with her, and find out what hers are as well, followed by a week's timeout to think.

I truly wish you the best!

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. Living with the ex is not a red flag, because not everyone has the finances to move out quickly, sometimes it takes time. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. She is interested in someone else, it isn't you, move on. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. If she is interested in someone else why is she pissed? Are you the "safe option"? We do this pull and push thing with eachother. Stop it it isn't being realistic with one another. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. Why? I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

You need to understand your own needs before you can commit to another.

Never be another's option when you want a commitment. Poly relationships are one thing, being played for a fool is another.

My .05 adjusted for inflation.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

Initially, the words 'girlfriend' and 'lose' made my dander kick up. First, if it's a current girlfriend, then all need to know what's going on. Second, you lose your keys, not a human being. If you are feeling that at this point, what happens when you have fallen for her to kingdom come and back?

Originally Posted by Sachita

Don't be the solution to someone's problem. Let her first work out her problems and challenges, find a place and then begin a new relationship with you.

Actually, I agree wholeheartedly with Sachita. Let her get on her feet and then see where things lie before jumping into anything serious.

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

So she's keeping you a secret? That's not good...

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

This makes my head ache. Let's look at this from a slightly different angle. Why should you go for this?

Um, she trips your sex trigger.
She's easy on the eyes.
She feeds into your needs.

I would be very, very careful. It doesn't have anything to do with her still living with an ex. Lots of folks do that. It has to do with the fact that she's already playing mind games with you and you don't even 'have' her. She's keeping you secret from a lot of people and she won't commit. Then she gets upset when you insinuate that you don't want this and are 'done'. She reels you in and tosses you out and you go along with it.

I have no idea how old you are, but if you are.....oh, let's throw a number out there....30 or older, you should know better. If you are in your teens or twenties, then this will serve as a learning experience for you. I just hope that it doesn't make everything more difficult for the really nice girls out there who like you later on.

Save your heart and your love for the worthy.

[Soft*Silver]

I personally think your mind is made up and you are going to chance everything to be with her as long as you can, at any cost to your self esteem and soul.

that being said, maybe you didnt really want advice, but needed to talk yourself into it and the easiest way to do that would be to counter(justify) against everyone's opinions that warn you to be on guard.

I could be VERY wrong. I also have been in that position and its why I recognize it. But maybe its just projection and I should keep quiet...

I just dont want to see you hurt. By yourself

[always2late]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

I posted earlier before this new update, that since I don't know you or the other party, I didn't feel right making a generalization. However, after this update, I am going to add my two cents. It appears to me that you are going to stay no matter what advice is given. I am basing this assumption on a few phrases, such as, "she is a beautiful person" and "we have an intense emotional and physical chemistry". I would like to ask, if your connection is that intense, why is she interested in someone else? And, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship, other than the physical? She is keeping you a secret, she is interested in someone else, and she doesn't seem to have any regard for your feelings, until you tell her you are leaving. You mentioned that you want her to feel safe and know you will be there...what about her making YOU feel safe in the relationship? I'm sorry...but it seems to me that you are embarking on a toxic relationship.

[Passionaria]

Hi Blue,
Lots of good advice from the people above me, I just wanted to add one thing. I will speak to how I would feel in that situation, as I don't know you personally. If I was waiting on someone, and not sure of where I stand, it would make me feel somewhat powerless and in a position of wanting something I am not sure I can have. I would feel like I was at a disadvantage emotionally, and have to wonder if the person really respected me. Not a good feeling for me anyway.

My suggestion is to turn the tables. Do you FABULOUSLY, shine, love yourself, be irresistible. Then make her work for it. I would feel like I took back my power that way, and it could just be a whole lot of fun. Most people enjoy a challenge.......Did I say that out loud?????

my .02

Blessings to you on this Blue,
Pashi