How to be a femme ally

[cara]

I was just talking to one of my femme allies about this over the weekend!

I think some of the most important ways to be a femme ally have already been mentioned in this thread. To me, being a femme ally is also about being willing to do the work to form a bond or connection that is both healthy and sincere. A femme ally may not be your closest friend/s, but by very definition of the word, they *are* a friend. When push comes to shove, you know they'll have your back. If there is any doubt in my head about that, it's up to me to take the initial step to cultivate that ally-ship. And if the other person turns out to be a flake/user/butch's femme/whatever than it's important for me to recognize that, acknowledge it, and move on if needed.

Here are some real-life examples of how you can fuck up a femme ally-ship (yes, these things have all happened to me):

• Withholding love/concern/friendship because you're not happy with me or a decision I've made
• Going after my girlfriends (has happened twice by two different "best friends"!)
• Talking negatively behind my back
• Purposely leaving me out because I'm not ______ enough

And because I'm not perfect and know I've got my own work to do (Always!), here are some real-life examples of how I have fucked up some femme ally-ships.

• Being afraid to bring up subjects that are difficult to talk about
• Burying my head in the sand/refusing to take sides in an argument when deep down I know better and should be supporting my femme ally. (Note: This still doesn't mean I'm going to involve myself in your personal drama)
• Gossiping
• Being too stubborn to apologize when I realize I was in the wrong

To me, femme allies are just as important as my family, if not more so. Like everything important in life the more you put into an ally-ship, the stronger it will be.



cara

[deedarino]

This is a BEAUTIFUL thread!!!

Femme Ally:

• Tells me; You DO look fat in those pants and don't ever put them on again...
  
• Sticks up for my partner when I am bitching and reminds me how wonderful I think they are and how lucky I am to have them...
  
• Worries about me when I am sad over a stupid mistake and texts stupid jokes trying to make me laugh
  
• Giggling over "damn girl....she's/he's hot" with each others partner or potential partner, KNOWING there is never any way we would hurt each other over a butch.
  
• Listens to the most boring details of my story, just because it is important to me...
  
• Encourages my dreams no matter how many dreams have came and went...
  
• Tells me when she knows someone is bad for me, even if she is afraid it will hurt me...especially then.

PS: I would do everyone of these things for her...I love my sisters.

[Nat]

- don't tell a person she isn't a femme or isn't feminine if you know she identifies as a femme
- don't respond to a femme mentioning that she identifies as a femme by talking about high school and labels.
- don't feel pressured to identify just because she identifies
- don't compare her to straight girls OR tell her she's not queer or a lesbian
- remember some femmes do fuck/date/love men.
- if you are obviously queer, and you are out in public with her, realize it might be one of the few times in the day/week/month/year when she will be publically recognized as queer just by being in your presence (whether you are friend or lover). Let her bask in it a bit unless she doesn't like basking in it. I find it lovely to be in the company of obviously queer and/or lesbian folks because it's the only time I can be entirely authentic and STILL be read correctly. It puts my heart at ease.

[aishah]

i love this thread so much

these are qualities that are important to me in friendships...
fierce loving honest direct communication
being accountable when we fuck up
showing up for each other, especially when it's hard
being willing to stretch past our comfort zone for each other
listening and honoring our feelings (all of the time but especially) when we need to vent and we're just pissed off
sharing pleasure
being kind to each other
asking when we don't know, not assuming things about each others' identities, preferences, or anything else
standing up for each other

[Words]

Don't allow jealousy - of looks, of cleavage, of ability to do great make up, of brains (and yes, I'm guilty of all these) - get in the way of getting to know a fellow femme.

I've lost the chance to forge some great potential relationships by focusing on what 'she' has rather than what I have to offer in the way of genuine friendship and for that, I am truly sorry.

Words

[aishah]

another thing that is important...

acknowledge us! let us know you see us (and love and accept us!) for who we really are! i was talking to my partner last night and to me that's one of the most wonderful things he's ever done for me.

[Dude]

by recognizing how brave they are to come out
over and over

acknowledging how fn easy some of us butches have it
because it's written all over our face
we don't have to sayyyyy a word

[deedarino]

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859