Tell us...I knew I was...

[JAGG]

I was born this way. Never had any other attraction , only women and only femme women. Only liked boys clothes, boys toys and sports . Nothing about being a girl appealed to me. I didn't know I was gay, because I didn't know there was a word for it. I dreamed about girls. I have never had a dream about anything but women. Hahah I can't even think straight when I sleep.

[Rook]

I think I've known all my Life, however, I did not know what it was called per se until I turned 13 and some kid called me "fuckin' Queer".
I've been a "tomboy" since I was practically 3 years old..
There wasn't a Tree I couldn't climb, and yes, I even climbed walls indoors...
I had a nifty trick to climbing up where there were Doors, it always freaked my parents.
My fave bikes were BMX, toys? Tonka, He-man, Hot Wheels..
I despised Dresses/Skirts..
I constantly was in fistfights in the playground for whatever reason, either the playground bully was tiresome for me, or some kids didnt let me play cuz I was "just a stupid girl"..
I did gloat, often, when I was welcome to play House, and I had the role of Daddy, always.
At first, it was wonderful cuz I could make believe I had the Best mo'fo car in the 'hood...
Later on, it was because I could kiss the popular beautiful girl with honey-brown eyes...French kissies were her fave -efg-
Not quite mine, yet{I wasn't fond of drool...still aint }...
One night, my brother and I were "peeping" at a house where the lady didn't bother playing modest..
We climbed on the basketball's post, while we were being evil little shits, my brother said "Why are you peeking? You're a girl, she's a girl..."
My response was "I dunno, I just like girls..Alot, they're very pretty, besides, I could ask u the same thing, Why are you peeking?"
My cousin, however, was drop-dead gorgeous {still is}, she took it all to a whole new level of sensuality, and yes I know it should be gross, but then she wasn't "blood"..
I believe we were 14..
She's still in the closet, but man was she ever jealous..
Throughout the years, every time I brought a new "friend" to the Family Gatherings, if looks could kill, both my girl and I would've been Dust...
By 16 I "discovered" the word Lesbian, thanks k.d.lang.
By the time I was 17, I was introduced to the word "stone butch", thanks leslie feinberg...
In high School, I met a girl, that , I swear, Everything around me just, disappeared and there was only Her..
I don't say I heard birds chirping and music, because that's cliche...
We were together everywhere, she'd sit right behind me, just to comb and braid my hair{I had very long hair, in the closet}, that alone had everyone whispering.
In the Mosque, as well, another girl had me crushing intensely..
School fights were more "serious" at this point, but then I was doing rather well in Shotokan...
By the time I "came out" to family and friends, some said "I knew it !!!", some said "I had my suspicions", others condemned me to hell...
My mother felt hurt for awhile, after all I did hide things from her..
I was scared shitless when I came out to her, I had recently met with, and had a bad case of infatuation, a friend of my brothers who was also Butch..Hy was kicked out of hys house, hy shacked up with friends and random girlfriends..
My brother assumed it was a phase, that I hadn't met "the man of your dreams"..
I cut my hair, a Fade, and yeah you could knock both my mother and girlfriend over with a feather.
Not in a good way...
My hair took me at least 1 hour to fix, fuck that...
I gave it all to "locks of love"{I have/had a few relatives with Cancer}..
I think that was the only consolation for 'em...
Every time Officials ask me "single, Married, Divorced, widow?", I often wanna say "Divorced" but then, I was never married legally...
I did try once, and it didn't quite work..
"divorced"
"date of divorce?"
"umm...."

so, yeah, that's the short version of it all...

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Tommi

~Butch ~ Femme ~ Gay ~ Queer ~ Trans ~ Straight ~ or whichever descriptive image/s you choose

When did you know?

What did you do?

Tell us about your truths, your travels, travails, and trust. Tell us your story.

Looking back, I know I had crushes on girls my whole life but didn't frame it that way in my head, and I was also kinda boy-crazy. In 8th/9th grade, I had a boyfriend that I most definitely loved and I thought he was infinitely cool - definitely the coolest guy in my town (in my own estimation) and also beautiful and tragic. But even while in that relationship, I wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. There was nothing in the poem to indicate the gender of the person it was about, but within about 20 minutes of writing it, I started asking myself what it meant and the only answer I had to that was to tear it up and throw it away.

My boyfriend and I had broken up by 10th grade, and I'd also realized that flirting with girls was way more fun then vying with them for male attention. Because of some trauma in my own life and some really sad and screwed up events regarding the first boyfriend, I imagined I was no longer capable of loving another person. I was very numb for about a decade afterward. I did think I was probably gay, but I was just drifting through life. I flirted with receptive straight girls, I dated men I couldn't bring myself to care too much for.

I came out to my aunt and a few friends when I was 19, and I was pretty sure then, but intimidated. Also, I wanted a wedding, I wanted a kid. Met my ex-husband when I was 19. He was beautiful - he looked a bit like jude law - and he had a gentle, perceptive, calming, feminine nature. I told him I was probably gay (and I thought he probably was too really). Ended up eventually marrying him while at the same time having a huge crush on my straight best friend. That was nothing though compared to the crushes I started getting on lesbians within a few years of getting married. I left him in May 2005 and by September I had realized I was gay for sure. Then I came out (and into this community) and ended up trying to re-figure all that out because so many of the people I was most attracted to were male-identified and I thought that meant maybe I wasn't a lesbian after all. And then there was my own gender experience of feeling bigendered and then coming out about all that. yadda yadda. So then again I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or what.

But then I was in California during prop 8, and I began thinking about the fact that however I personally identify my gender and/or however the person I'm with identifies their gender, I'm a lesbian. I'm female-bodied, I prefer to partner with those who have bodies designated female. I prefer to live an out life. I would not be willing to closet myself or disappear my past or my truth if a partner transitioned. I'm not willing to closet myself by using male pronouns regarding my partner when doing so would communicate to others that I am in a straight relationship. If my current partner decided she wanted to transition, I would be supportive - but I would not allow my own identity to be subsumed by it.

So I guess I figured out I was a lesbian at 14, at 19, at 27 and at 30. And then the times between were more exploratory and processing of more data - but during those times I thought I was probably bisexual or pansexual or queer or - if there were a term for it - attracted to a range of people who tend to have atypical gender experience or presentation. If I put all identities aside and just looked at attraction, I would say I'm probably a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale. But when it comes to capacity to love, I think I'm more of a 5.5. I feel like my sexuality has evolved over the years - that it hasn't been stagnant - and that I was more attracted to guys (especially feminine guys) as a teen than I am as an adult. I think it's normal for sexuality to evolve over time, at least for some people. But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.




I figured out I was a femme during a gender crisis in 2007. Though I still also think of myself and sometimes refer to myself as bigender, I have never put aside the femme identity since I finally came to own it.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by Nat

......
. .... But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.

.....

Thank you for your entire post Nat. That sentence above just jumped up and shouted hello to me. *some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions below, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).

I have met and loved many wonderful "straight" women in my journey. I identified as male early, and always have been with those with feminine traits. Whether straight single, married, divorced, with and without children. Some had never been with anyone, celibate, because they preferred not to be with bio-men, and knew being gay would surely send them to hell. Well, I say, Honey, your'e not going to hell...

Many said that had it not been for homophobia in the family, community, society, they would have been with a bio-female much earlier.

My longest relationship brought with it the blessing of a daughter who we raised together. She grew into a beautiful,deeply caring, and loving women and married a USAF Sargent. I am now a proud Grandparent of Dustin Bradley and Trinity Hope, two amazingly smart, and bestest kids on the planet.

We parted ways after over almost 20 years together, because she found a God that said ....homosexuality was a sin!. We are friends and we will always be Leia's parents & the Grandparents.

.

(some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions above, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).

[Sachita]

4th grade I had a teacher that was really pretty. I didnt understand what was happening at the time but I knew I liked being near her and smelling her perfume. I had no interest in boys, at all. By 6th grade I still had a crush on my 4th grade teacher and often came up with excuses to see her. I climbed ropes and got a funny sensation between my legs. As I climbed towards the top I clenched my thighs imagining myself wrapped around her with my head shoved between her breast. I am pretty sure they were orgasms because I was addicted to them & climbing those ropes until my best friend Patty showed me how to masturbate. Then I showed my step sister. We talked about being with boys and what we would do but we never did. We just practiced on each other. lol

I dated a few boys and even got married. I thought maybe I was bi. I cheated on my husband with girls until he finally say me down and told me I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew this but it seemed too hard to be gay. There were years i didnt want to be queer and fought it but then my libido would go into overdrive and sex with a man wasn't the same.

When I was 26 I fell madly in love with her. She was a masculine and feminine. We fought, we fucked, we had the most unreal passion I think I've ever had. I knew my life would never be the same.

[Lady Pamela]

Ok..before I tell you my tale..you need to know i was a straight laced lil mormon girl who did nothing that would make me go to hell..lol And the words Gay,Butch or Lesbian..were never spoke in my home. So I didn't know what they mean't..Nor do I ever recall now meeting one..ha

Ok my first crush was at 3..I was at the public swimming pool and seen this woman walked out as though she was a model..lol That one ..in secret of course..stayed into my head for quite sometime...that was untill Olivia Newton John presented herself..lol OMG she was the bee's Knee's in my little world..ha

When I was 15 the first time a REAL girl kissed me ..I responded by smacking her...oops..It shocked me so bad I didn't know what to do...but later made up for it...lol

The first time I met a butch..I was like omg what is that?..Kinda freaked my lil world out...she had this huge growth in her back pocket..with a hanging chain..pocket knife and a mullett..not to mention ..a leather biker jacket..lol
Btw, 20 years later...I spent seven years with that person...smiles And we are still friends.
Needless to say I am not in hell...but I sure thought it would have put me there when I was little.

My first long term relationship with a female was at 21 though...before that I was still doing what I call the mormon shuffle..YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED TO A MAN OR YOUR DAMNED..that is another story as well..ha

[Tommi]

Lady Pamela,
What fun...Yep--those butch's will knock your socks off,and then, rub your feet.... Glad you found the lifering at the end of the rope.

[always2late]

I grew up in an strict Italian Catholic home. There were things that were never spoken of, much less acknowledged. I was raised in a family with clearly defined gender roles and, like most of the women in my family, I was raised with the expectation that I would eventually fill my assigned role, that of wife/mother. I always knew that something was a bit off, for lack of a better word or explanation. I knew that the role I was being groomed for did not quite fit. When you are part of a huge family, your friends, the people you spend the most time with, are usually your relatives. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling when I even acknowledged the feelings. I didn't know who to ask, where to go, who to talk to, so I suppressed it all.

In my teen years, I dated a lot of boys. I suppose that I was trying to find the one that would make this life I was expected to lead feel "right". In my early 20s, I met someone who made me laugh and who I shared some common goals with, and I figured that was the best I could hope for. I got married and stayed married for 10 years. The marriage was not a happy one, for many reasons, but I'd made the commitment and I thought it was my duty to honor it, no matter how wrong it felt. I think that there was some guilt there on my part too, guilt that I'd somehow duped someone into marrying me even though I knew I would never feel the way I should for them.

It was several years into my marriage that I started to realize who I was. Just a glimmer mind you, but there all the same. I'd gone out with a friend, it was her co-worker's birthday, and she was meeting up with a group of people at a bar in the city. One of her co-workers was the first butch I'd ever met...and what a revelation THAT was! It was an "ah ha, so THIS is what I've been missing" moment if ever there was one. Throughout the entire night, I kept sneaking glances and trying to stop my heart from skittering out of my chest. She was the kind of person that would touch you when she spoke, and every time she touched my arm, or even met my eyes, my brain stuttered to a stop. I only ever saw her that once, its been over 20 years since, and although her name escapes me now, I can still remember what she looked like. Pivotal moments, I've found, stay with you forever.

I would like to say that after that night I came crashing out of the closet wrapped in a rainbow flag....but I didn't. Some habits, especially those created in denial, are very hard to break. It was only after my son was born that I realized I could no longer live the false life I'd made for myself. Maybe I could live trapped in the lies and denial I'd so carefully woven together over the years, but he didn't deserve to be held hostage to my bad decisions. When he was a year old, I left his father and stepped out of the familiarity to begin venturing into the unknown.

As a suddenly single mother, my social life was essentially nonexistant, but I didn't really mind. I was still working things out in my head, breaking down and rebuilding, trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. My first post-heterosexual relationship did not last long. It was a fledgeling effort...and like most things that burn hot, it burned fast and was over almost as soon as it began. I will, however, always be thankful for it. It was the final puzzle piece snapping into place to create something whole.

Even after that first, I still hadn't come out to anyone, not family or friends, but I knew it was only a matter of time. Strangely enough, the first person I told was my sister-in-law. She's been part of our family so long that she is more a sister than an in-law. I suppose that telling her was my way of dipping a toe in the water to see how cold it was, and how cold it could get. She, to my great relief, was incredibly supportive. It was she who actually told my brother, who then called me to tell me that I was his sister, that he loved me and nothing could ever change that.

I came out to the rest of my family, all 200+ of them, at my cousin's wedding, when I brought my very butch, head shaved, ambiguously gendered, now ex-girlfriend as my guest. Hell, if you're gonna go....go big.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by always2late

I grew up in an strict Italian Catholic home. There were things that were never spoken of, much less acknowledged. I was raised in a family with clearly defined gender roles and, like most of the women in my family, I was raised with the expectation that I would eventually fill my assigned role, that of wife/mother. .....

.....I came out to the rest of my family, all 200+ of them, at my cousin's wedding, when I brought my very butch, head shaved, ambiguously gendered, now ex-girlfriend as my guest. Hell, if you're gonna go....go big. ;)

Yes, you did it in a big way, and I don't think it was always2late.Thanks for letting us know that you survived that machismo upbringing. My Ex stoll can't say the word Gay around her family, of similar backgrounds. Glad you are here and now and not 2 late.
Tommi

[Tommi]

I recalled having a sofa bed in "our " house in case my girl's relatives dropped in, and all of a sudden we had to each have a bedroom. Rushing down the hall opening it up, and throwing clothes around the room. My partner could not be gay. Her family would disown her. Well, they did because of U/us, and it wasn't the sofabed's fault.

Finding their voice. Today, I met someone who just came out to her family at 45. She was telling me how good she felt to go visit home at Thanksgiving with her partner at her side.

For 5 years they told the families that they were 'just roomates". She said how free she feels now, wished she had done it years ago, because the hiding was heavy. The family accepted, said they always knew, and she said her partner just cried and cried, because her family never would accept her.

Life can be a bitch, and ...then ya die. So, put on a happy hat and dance. Looking at the damn green plaid sofa bed in my living room-->Dissolution and sepearation of furniture: I got the damn sofabed we never slept in. I AM Getting rid of it. Who needs two couches in the living room, when it's just you...and two cats.