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Old 10-11-2017, 09:02 PM   #1
lisa93
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Default Butch gf hit me.

I'm new here but I really need advice, and I feel like this is one of the few places that understand the butch/femme dynamics.

So anyways I'm the femme and my gf is butch. We've have been in a loving relationship for 5 years, we now own a house together and are even considering adoption soon. We have never had any incidences of violence in the past. My gf doesn't even like to raise her voice. I'm definitely the more feisty one. I've always had trust issues due to being cheated on in the past so on this particular night I saw a text pop up from a random girl's name, I asked her who it was, and she told me it was her friend. I didn't believe her so I snatched the phone but it was locked. I told her to give me her password and she wouldn't. I stupidly in the heat of the moment threw the phone across the floor and shattered the screen.

Then I got the shock of my life because she slapped the shit out of me. Mind you she's a lot bigger, taller, and stronger than me. But I'm no punk either so I hit her back and we started fighting like for real. She ended up whooping my ass bad. I was screaming and the guy who rents our basement out heard us and pulled her off of me.

She left that night to stay with her mom, but she's back in the house now. She apologized but I still told her to sleep in the guest room because I'm not over it. I can't believe she would ever put her hands on me like that. I want to get past this because I love her, and we have built a life together but idk if things will go back to normal. Any advice you all may have would be appreciated.
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Old 10-11-2017, 10:00 PM   #2
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Discussed this with my Partner of 23 years, and we recommend that you seek a professional to talk with about this. Partner is a stone butch who is much larger and stronger than I am with a temper that She keeps under control. She recommends that you may have wanted to walk off after you were slapped considering the size difference and escalation of the situation.

It was a positive step that she went to her mom's for the night putting some distance between the two of you to cool down a bit.

My Partner asks if you feel afraid of your girlfriend after this incident. If you are, She suggests that you may want to consider whether you should stay in the relationship.

After 5 years a person ought to know if their partner is trustworthy. Consider the reasons you suspected the phone call, but I don't believe the call was the crux of the biscuit. The main issue, in my mind, is trust.
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Old 10-11-2017, 10:21 PM   #3
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Sometimes we're not ready to give up when violence happens, and people will say you HAVE to leave and that the situation is not fixable.

Then we feel like we shouldn't ask for help because the helpers will tell you to leave, and lose respect/patience/concern for you if you stay.

You have a right to a support system whether or not you're immediately leaving. You need support with either choice

Probably it's NOT fixable, but I just came here to say that if you try to work it out, don't let making the "incorrect" decision stop you from seeking help. Tell a counselor what happened and what you want to happen. They can help you stay safe(r) until you're ready to revise your decision.

I don't know what resources you have, but my county has a 24-hour walk-in crisis center that makes referrals. Your situation is a crisis, don't feel like you can only use crisis services while the emergency is actually happening
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Old 10-12-2017, 01:26 AM   #4
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To me there seems to be a violence issue on both parts. Thats a problem in itself. This is probably not fixable. I suggest you both seek help.
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Old 10-12-2017, 01:36 AM   #5
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I second, third, and fourth the advice to see a counselor. Were I in your shoes, I would make it mandatory for my remaining in the relationship. If your partner refuses, at the least go for yourself so you can decide whether this relationship is worth saving.

I also agree with cathexis, in that this wasn't about the call. It was about an insidious lack of trust. If you don't trust your partner, that mistrust eats at your relationship like cancer. That's something you can decide to work on.

The immediate crisis is that you now know your partner is capable of putting her hands on you in anger and could cause you serious harm. And what you call "feisty" also has nuances of anger on your part also. There was violence on both your parts. That's a flapping red flag. It's good that she left the house, but what if the neighbor hadn't intervened? Start thinking now about your safety-get important papers together, figure out your support system (or create one). Whether you choose to leave or not, you can be prepared.

Adoption should be way off the table until and unless this is seriously dealt with. A screaming baby and no sleep can and has led to tragedy.

And have the number of the domestic violence hotline memorized, or in your phone under some made up name.
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Old 01-01-2018, 12:56 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa93 View Post
I'm new here but I really need advice, and I feel like this is one of the few places that understand the butch/femme dynamics.

So anyways I'm the femme and my gf is butch. We've have been in a loving relationship for 5 years, we now own a house together and are even considering adoption soon. We have never had any incidences of violence in the past. My gf doesn't even like to raise her voice. I'm definitely the more feisty one. I've always had trust issues due to being cheated on in the past so on this particular night I saw a text pop up from a random girl's name, I asked her who it was, and she told me it was her friend. I didn't believe her so I snatched the phone but it was locked. I told her to give me her password and she wouldn't. I stupidly in the heat of the moment threw the phone across the floor and shattered the screen.

Then I got the shock of my life because she slapped the shit out of me. Mind you she's a lot bigger, taller, and stronger than me. But I'm no punk either so I hit her back and we started fighting like for real. She ended up whooping my ass bad. I was screaming and the guy who rents our basement out heard us and pulled her off of me.

She left that night to stay with her mom, but she's back in the house now. She apologized but I still told her to sleep in the guest room because I'm not over it. I can't believe she would ever put her hands on me like that. I want to get past this because I love her, and we have built a life together but idk if things will go back to normal. Any advice you all may have would be appreciated.
Honestly, I'd call the national domestic violence hotline. The phone # is 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org to chat online. The hotline won't be biased because you're lesbian - they couldn't care less. What they DO care about is your welfare and safety.

Deborah
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