Lessons Learned: Would You or Would You Not.....

[Kenna]

Originally Posted by Unndunn

apparently I'm really out of the game because I have no idea what a qoin is. Can someone please help a butch out?

Lmao!!! Did I spell it wrong or my auto correct "flip" it from heads to tails incorrectly? *looks up again.... smacks forehead* Coin!! Silly me! Typing on this damn phone and trying to get all the words in the right little box is a challenge sometimes ....

Thank you everyone for such wonderful responses and diverse opinions. I enjoyed "seeing " different thoughts.

[Ginger]

Once this butch was showing a little social interest in me and his ex (who was my friend at the time) warned me to stay away from him; she said he was bad scary psycho news...

She also enlisted a couple well meaning mutual acquaintances of ours to join her in discouraging me from getting to know her ex.

I was still shaky at that time from another situation I'd been through, and was new to the scene, and not up for any kind of risk, so I cut off contact with this particular butch.

Eventually, though, all us realized that the femme warning me off, was the problem. And I also slowly realized that it was jealousy that had fueled her "protectiveness" of me.

I still feel bad about listening to what amounted to mischaracterization about an innocent person. And my god, what are we, in the seventh grade???

*************

That said, in the following years I would always ask, What do you know about this person? to a trusted confidante, when I was dating or even just flirting in the threads with someone.

In online communities where identities can be masked in so many ways, I think it's reasonable to get feedback from someone whose opinion you trust, who has been around the block a few times with different groups, and has a lot of real-time contact with folks from all over.

I don't consider this gossip; I consider it intelligence gathering, and I assess the validity of the intelligence as I would any other kind of evidence.

In the end, while I might take this information into account, I make a decision based on personal experience with the person.

The ironic part is that once my emotions and libido kick in, my ability to be objective and look out for myself, are really compromised. I'm afraid that isn't going to change, though I always hoped it would.

[Blade]

After rereading this thread, the question came to mind. If you had ask person A about person B. Would you believe what they had said? Would you take a step back and slow down, pay closer attention or would you think oh he/she was just that way with so and so. Or he/she isn't like that with me and ignore person A's warnings. Do you pay attention to the good things person A says about person B even though you have heard some not so favorable things about person B. How many people's opinions is enough? I mean could everyone be wrong/right?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh I'd answer if it was a friend, of course! They are asking for my opinion on what I know. Most of my friends are mature enough to make up their own minds - they are asking for information that could be important. For example, a friend called Flick started dating someone local and asked me and a mate what we thought as she was feeling hesitant. It's a good thing she asked. Niether of us knew she had gone out with him. He had a restraining order from his last gf and drank and got into fights. So we told her.

I hope to hell that if I ask a friend "hey you know so and so right? she's asked me out. You know anything I should know?" someone tells me. Last time someone did that was my detached wife... she told me "LINDA??? oh jesus Barb. yeah, she's dapper and funny. But she is absolutely mental. I love her to bits but Barb, I think you've had a hard enough time recently to put up with her heavy drinking and inability to to have a quiet night in. Your choice and you often don't listen to me, but I think you are asking for trouble. "

I went out with her keeping this information in mind and it backed up what I saw in one date.

There is nothing at all wrong with asking friends for their opinion on clothes, neighbourhoods, or people. As long as we keep in mind it's an opinion and nothing more - unless it's some facts, like a restraining order has been taken out etc.

[kittygrrl]

"an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"
However, personally I've always been very careful about giving my (so called) opinion..but sure if someone is a real trainwreck..i might be tempted but rilly when it comes to relationships..if there is smoke there is usually a fire and anything you say to someone whose fire has been lit is more or less ignored..if you're tempted- saying less is probably better for someone to nibble on then spilling your guts about all you know..they can always ask for more if they want it.