Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

[laruss]

I have a question...

Let me start with some background.
I am a very affectionate person, I like to touch, hold hands, caress, kiss and I never think about where I am or who might be around. My girlfriend is like that at home but not in public. She is getting used to holding my hand, maybe a quick kiss if she thinks no one is around.

Last night we were at a street festival with another couple and we walked up holding hands and the first comment out of the butches mouth was "whoa no PDA". So, me being me I had to crawl all over my girlfriend and kiss her everywhere. The butch got mad and walked away, my girlfriend just laughed and asked why I have to piss everyone off.

Through out the evening my girlfriend and I held hands off and on but the other couple never did, never touched, you would never even know they were a couple. They had their son with them, and they both were very affectionate to him, but not each other.

Later I asked my girlfriend about it, and we had discussed it before. She says as butches they are the ones that will get beaten up, they are the ones that get the attitude. She doesn't like to make people feel uncomfortable so she doesn't like to be in their face with it. I said that if more lesbian/gay couples showed PDA that it would become more acceptable, not such a shock to the poor little hetro's lives.

So... my question(s) is, do butches think this is true, is it more dangerous for you to show PDA? and is it more common for femmes to want to be publicly affectionate?

How do you identify and what are your thoughts on PDA?

I never really think about it because I am an affectionate person. I am not sure if that has to do with how I identify or not, but because I have not ever personally had an issue, I haven't had to worry about it.

Thoughts...

[The_Lady_Snow]

I think it's an individual choice, not a gender or gender presentation choice. Do you live in an area where being gay is a big deal?

[Heavenleahangel]

Excellent topic and a lot to think about. I am a femme and I like PDA's-tastefully done of course. I am a lady and will be treated as such, so no distasteful groping and tongue swapping like a couple of sex crazed maniacs, but I love holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye, walking with a hand on the small of a back, etc.

I do agree to some extent about the butches being called out more often than the femmes and treated differently when it comes down to it. Being raised in the Bible belt of the south, especially in my day, it was a big taboo for PDA's for heterosexuals, let alone to be gay.

We have all heard and read the stories about what happened to our butch brothers and fore-fathers back in the day. I applaud them for standing their ground and not backing down even through the beatings and humiliation. I am sure they dreamed of the day of dressing they way they wanted and not having to be accosted by police.

I am a femme that will not back down to someone else who doesn't like seeing me with my partner or family in public. I have been told too many times I am "too hard headed" to just bite my tongue. I won't be bullied...period. I am thankful to be living in the times I am in now, but I am also old enough to remember the days of persecution and fear. I hope one day we will be totally accepted. Until then, I will continue to fight for equal rights and treatment.

[rockstar lover]

I think it's a personal preference based on past experience and comfort level. I identify as butch and I have no issues at all showing PDA's. Luckily I've never experienced any negativity or backlash because of it. I don't do it to piss people off, prove a point, or to make some kind of political statement. I do it because I'm just a very loving and affectionate person. I want the woman I'm with to feel adored and to know that I'm proud to be by her side!

[stargazingboi]

Although, I don't think its a gender thing, I do think its a past experience thing for most folks. Therefore, it may appear that more of butch/TG/FTM avoiding PDA.

From my own experience I have witnessed and lived through more issues being who I am and how I express myself than the femmes I have known in my life time. Like some others, I too was raised in a time of beatings.. name calling...and death threats for anyone who was remotely perceived as gay (whether true or not mind you).

So, I tend to be more conservative with my PDA. However, I am not against it and I don't push my partner away when she wants to show PDA...nor do I get mad at folks that show it around me.

[CherylNYC]

I'm not butch so I can only answer from my own perspective as a tough, combative femme. Many years ago, long before I knew myself better, I presented more androgynously and had a few femme-ish girlfriends. Once I was busy kissing one of those long-ago, somewhat femme-er than me girlfriends goodbye at the subway when a nasty dude yelled something very threatening at us. I promptly gave him the finger with a hand just freed from embracing the gf. I did NOT stop kissing her. A few busy NYers rushing for the subway snickered. At the stupid, nasty dude. I was fully prepared for the physical altercation that never happened.

There's no way to know exactly why I got away with that one. It could have just been that we're New Yorkers and it was rush hour, but I thought then, and am more sure now, that if I had looked more traditionally butch I would have faced a far more hostile audience. We were young, white, long haired girls, so we had tremendous privilege. Using my acknowledged privilege to challenge bigots made me feel really powerful. Yes, I just wanted to kiss my gf goodbye at the subway like anyone else, but it added frisson to do it AND say F-YOU to a bigot.

I understand that it's very different outside of bigger cities, and particularly outside of THIS big city, but even in more remote areas PDA is a lot less shocking for many these days because of TV. When the above incident happened the number of same-sex PDA events that had been portrayed on TV were so small that we all knew them and could discuss them in one short, critical conversation.

It's likely that many of us are still behaving in ways that haven't changed with our changing environments. If we were beaten up for PDA in our youth, or taught that a beating was likely, that would have had a lasting influence.

Do I think that butches have had to deal with the actual beatings in a way that I haven't? HELL yeah. And I honour them for it.

[thedivahrrrself]

I love to hold hands with my partner, put my arm around them, maybe steal a quick kiss, but not all the time. I am affectionate, and I don't hide who I am, in public or anywhere else, because I am not ashamed.

However, some people feel the need to hang all over each other and make out in public, and I find that distasteful, whether you are straight or gay.

As a femme, I can't speak to what is more prevalent among butches, but I have experienced backlash for holding hands in public, and in my experience, it's usually directed at the couple, not just one member of it. I don't mind being harassed for being with the person I love - I came out in the BFE of rural Oklahoma - those fuckers don't scare me.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am much more likely to initiate a PDA, just because like others here I have never been beaten or harassed for just being me. My wife is getting more comfortable with it all the time, and I think that's because it's with me.

There are few people who would say anything to me or to us once they get a look at my expression...even when not angry, I have a go to Hell/ don't fuck with me look about me which most people would never test.

LOL smart folks

[laruss]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I think it's an individual choice, not a gender or gender presentation choice. Do you live in an area where being gay is a big deal?

I live in Canada in a big City, it has never been an issue for me, nor do I think it should be.

Originally Posted by stargazingboi

Although, I don't think its a gender thing, I do think its a past experience thing for most folks. Therefore, it may appear that more of butch/TG/FTM avoiding PDA.

I agree, that it is a past experience thing, so does that mean that more butches are harassed more then the femmes? I know I have never been.

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

[COLOR="Indigo"] However, some people feel the need to hang all over each other and make out in public, and I find that distasteful, whether you are straight or gay.
COLOR]

I agree, no one needs that.


I think it is sad how much our society has moved away from touch in all regards. Any pda, teacher/student, step parent/step child, father/son, homeless/anyone and so much more. We attach such a sexual connotation to touch and touch is so important for our emotional/spiritual/physical health.

We are so immune to violence that we don't flinch at that but a gay couple holding hands will send some over the edge. What is wrong with this picture? Everything.