A friend of Dorothys- how important is community?

[Converse]

I often see when reading the threads, comments from people who say that they are living in a place that has no community. And these comments often include expressions of feeling isolated. And it made me wonder- just how important is having r/t community?

I know for me it has been extremely important, to the extent, that from early teenage years I left home and family in the pursuit of being in a place where, as a Butch, I would be surrounded by the familiar.

All through my adult life it has been the over-riding factor when deciding where to settle, and even when considering job offers/opportunities, access to community was always the final determiner.

But I wonder does that “need” change over time, as we mature, as our priorities change? I know for me it did. When I had to make a decision to leave being in the midst of large and active Butch-Femme Community to be with the woman I loved, I worried about leaving what I had known since those early teenage years.

But I shouldn’t have worried- I don’t hanker to be surrounded/submerged by the community as I once did. I feel comfortable and confident enough with who I am without having to be somewhere that is familiar, or in a place where str8 is the anomaly. In fact I’m quiet enjoying not blending in anymore.

Have others gone through this- changed geography, what impact has being with/without r/t community had on you? Are there certain times in our lives when it’s more important than others? Is it important, if so, why?

[princessbelle]

Very interesting Converse....

I would actually say that my situation is just the opposite. Being born and raised in the deep south, I have known only bias, homophobia, predjudice, and shame on the note of being accepted here for being gay. I have had to hide my entire life.

The older I get the more I want to be a part of a community that doesn't look at me as a freak. I lived for a short time last summer in New Mexico. Talk about a culture shock, and in a good way. No one gave a crap that I was gay and people there didn't get all "bug eyed" when I walked into a restaurant with my partner. I yearn for that freedom and peace.

I live here because my family is here....simple truth. But, I won't forever and I can't wait until I can actually be part of a open community where I am no longer an outsider and freak. This site helps, online helps. But, isolated? you betcha....and I hate it.

Someday though, maybe someday.....things will be different.

[Apocalipstic]

My priorities have definitely changed in this regard, but I have always lived places with queer communities even though I also live in Tennessee.

Now that I have queer RT friends all over and I have a partner, I seldom participate in the general "Gay and Lesbian" community events in my city. I used to be at the bar 65 nights a week, now I am a homebody.

[Converse]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

My priorities have definitely changed in this regard, but I have always lived places with queer communities even though I also live in Tennessee.

Now that I have queer RT friends all over and I have a partner, I seldom participate in the general "Gay and Lesbian" community events in my city. I used to be at the bar 65 nights a week, now I am a homebody.

I’m with you- though I have never really been a serious party goer (I get tired when it gets dark). I think more for me; it was about seeing community in my everyday- walking down the street, in the stores. It was about knowing that they were staring at me because I had forgotten to pull up my zipper rather than because they were passing judgement about who I was. Even though you don’t go to events anymore- would you consider living where there were no visual signs of a Gay and Lesbian community?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Converse

I’m with you- though I have never really been a serious party goer (I get tired when it gets dark). I think more for me; it was about seeing community in my everyday- walking down the street, in the stores. It was about knowing that they were staring at me because I had forgotten to pull up my zipper rather than because they were passing judgement about who I was. Even though you don’t go to events anymore- would you consider living where there were no visual signs of a Gay and Lesbian community?

Nah, I am a city girl and always have been. 25 years ago it was shocking to be out here in TN, now I do not even give it a second thought.

Every now and them when we are traveling we will pull in somewhere to eat, see a lot of big trucks with confederate flags, and just pull right back out and go somewhere more touristy.

As I grow older I care less and less about what other people think though.

What part of TN Princess? We cancelled a huge picnic when the flood happened, but will be rescheduling soon, maybe you could come and meet some people.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Nah, I am a city girl and always have been. 25 years ago it was shocking to be out here in TN, now I do not even give it a second thought.

As I grow older I care less and less about what other people think though.

What part of TN Princess? We cancelled a huge picnic when the flood happened, but will be rescheduling soon, maybe you could come and meet some people.

Ohhhhhhhhhh I would LOVE that. I'm in eastern Tennessee....missed the floods thank goodness. Sorry for what you all went through on that side of the state... Thank you for thinking of me and your picnic and let me know...i'll be there with "bells on" lol.

[Converse]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Very interesting Converse....

I would actually say that my situation is just the opposite. Being born and raised in the deep south, I have known only bias, homophobia, predjudice, and shame on the note of being accepted here for being gay. I have had to hide my entire life.

The older I get the more I want to be a part of a community that doesn't look at me as a freak. I lived for a short time last summer in New Mexico. Talk about a culture shock, and in a good way. No one gave a crap that I was gay and people there didn't get all "bug eyed" when I walked into a restaurant with my partner. I yearn for that freedom and peace.

I live here because my family is here....simple truth. But, I won't forever and I can't wait until I can actually be part of a open community where I am no longer an outsider and freak. This site helps, online helps. But, isolated? you betcha....and I hate it.

Someday though, maybe someday.....things will be different.

princessbelle- I hear what you are saying. I have never lived anywhere that was blatantly homophobic- I have traveled through (and I must say much quicker than was originally planned) places where I have felt unsafe simply by the way I looked. I don’t think I could do it for any length of time and still be able to retain any form of sanity. Where do you think you would head to, if the option was available? (And do you think they are ready for your arrival- given that you have been in hiding so long, I’m picturing some serious celebrations)

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Converse

princessbelle- I hear what you are saying. I have never lived anywhere that was blatantly homophobic- I have traveled through (and I must say much quicker than was originally planned) places where I have felt unsafe simply by the way I looked. I don’t think I could do it for any length of time and still be able to retain any form of sanity. Where do you think you would head to, if the option was available? (And do you think they are ready for your arrival- given that you have been in hiding so long, I’m picturing some serious celebrations)

LOL funny...I guess you are right...I would celebrate. I don't know where...California maybe? Kids are grown, there are a few things that keep me here but they are getting closer to being takin care of daily. But, whereever it will be, I am looking forward to having a barbeque with gay friends and not worrying about my neighbors judgements....

Apocalipstic, you know, I am sure there are some gay social groups at least within driving distance of me and I know I should probably find a way to check them out. Without having any gay friends here, I just haven't...but it is a good idea.