For the Love of Intentions!!

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Well I guess you changed your email and someone else got a surpise about 30 min ago. Good thing there was no face in that.

Oh no I di'n't

Why that's the very best 'v' I've seen errm flicked fer a long time

Instinct wants to grrrrowl "good girl!"

Lurve
Priapus of Blackpool

[DMW]

I had an experience. I know that some of my posts, even with the best intentions, disturbed others on this site. For that, I apologize. I can be an horrific poster. Grammar, spelling or in a rush and should never have joined a conversation due to a lack of time to stick around.
Also, I don't always read all of the previous post!



One truth that I experienced and that sticks in my head...

A member ( poster B) can post a reply to a previous post from another member ( poster A) in an emotional outbursts and later, go back and alter their original outburst to come across , in the end, as if it never occurred.

For example, ( poster B) can quote the original emotional offensive outburst from (poster A) which caused the emotional offensive response from poster B.

So, the offended poster B replied to the original poster A ,which had offended poster B , all the while...

Poster B deleted their emotionally charged response to appear rational. (And this response caused poster A to become even more upset.) After having quoted poster A's outbursts so that poster A.s words were permanent. Then, poster B can go and fetch a moderator that is unaware of what all was said by poster B and report the offensive poster A's outburst.

What is a moderator to do with that? They didn't see it all and there is no way that they can be objective or fair cause they are unaware.
So, the moderator appears to be unfair when they just didn't know what all transpired in the outbursts.

Result: poster B doesn't get punished at all because their altered post is rational, in the end. Poster A, who caused the response from poster B got punished severely.

It is very sad. But, I saw it.

I would never want to be a moderator. My hats are off to them.
And I am not an ass kisser. Never have been. I try and respect people. But, I do fail sometimes. I have been moderated and rightly so. I can own it. And I actually, am glad that I was. I could have done better.

For the love of intentions and possible solutions...
Maybe only allow the edit feature to last a few minutes.
Get rid of the edit feature?
Idk?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I think, for me, because I'm a long time poster in a few forums and I read and contribute a lot of comments in news stories and unfortunately read too many you tube (I finally stopped reading you tube ones) that when we have gone in to explain with patience or with kindness even though MY feelings were hurt (offense is the feeling of hurt combined with anger) I and many others have been bitten many, many, many times. That's why there are moderators. If it was just a matter of being polite to people who hurt us, then we wouldn't need banning or time outs or terms or service.
And really I'm pretty fed up with people on internet forums being assholes. I'm going to say most of the time they don't have a neurodiverse way of looking at things. Mostly I seem people just being ignorant, willful, rude dickheads who want to be right.

That has often been my experience. I have been bitten one too many times. It really pisses me off because here I am trying to be nice even though you’ve just said something that is painful and to my mind thoughtless. For example someone says something that is misogynistic. I find this kind of thing left unchallenged is hurtful and reinforcing of oppression that women still endure day after day after day. If I say nothing it will seem as though this is acceptable. Silence is acceptance. So I try as kindly and tactfully as possible to bring this to the attention of the poster. He or she feels attacked and reacts aggressively.

It has taken me literally decades to come to terms with the reality that facts, even in abundance and presented with unusual clarity, even in the most non confrontational way, will not necessarily change a person’s mind. After that rather frustrating insight, it has taken me still longer to understand that this phenomenon of increased strength in beliefs proven to be incorrect by facts is not just someone being stubborn and purposefully obtuse. It’s just how we humans roll.

We tend to think that if people are furnished with the facts they will become enlightened; we believe that knowledge is the best remedy against ignorance and misinformation. Unfortunately, often the opposite is true. People will become more firmly entrenched in their beliefs.

The disheartening truth is that facts do not necessarily have the power to change people’s minds. The reality is that we base our opinions on our beliefs. And beliefs don’t care diddly-squat about facts. This often forces people to choose only facts that agree with their beliefs, or to twist facts into misshapen truths otherwise known as lies, or to accept wrong information as truth simply because it reinforces their views.

Apparently facts by themselves are meaningless to our brains, they are raw data that must be processed subconsciously through our feelings and experiences and filtered through the lens of our life circumstance and molded into our judgments and personal viewpoints. These beliefs are our own, formed initially from facts and information but colored, interpreted and given meaning, often beyond recognition, by our life experience and our feelings. But from what I understand our beliefs make us feel safe. Considering that information, it is understandable that people would cling tenaciously to incorrect data and wrongheaded beliefs.

So if we choose to confront someone who is being racist or sexist or any other “ism” and think we can show them the error of their ways or even if we just engage in a debate and we believe we have enough facts to change the person’s mind we should probably think again. I’m not saying we shouldn’t do it. I’m just saying the odds of a favorable outcome are slim to none.

The more threatened we feel the more tenaciously we cling to our beliefs. People feel threatened when challenged, even if we couch that challenge in hearts and flowers. And personally I try very hard to use the hearts and flowers framing approach. I always try to be thoughtful of the feelings of others even when, no, especially when, I am trying to challenge them to reconsider something offensive that they have said. I am not always successful. I’m sure what I consider to be thoughtful and kind may not feel that way to the person I am confronting. I don’t know what to do about that. I can only try to be kind. The only other option is not to confront and that’s no option at all.

I’m not saying I challenge every single offensive comment I see. That would take a level of commitment I surely do not possess. I wouldn’t even want to. It would be like being forever adrift in negativity. I prefer to give someone the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

What I am talking about is offensiveness of a degree that if left unchallenged would carry a level of complicity. The comment, post or thread may simply be a matter of ignorance about a particular subject or a lack of experience or exposure to something and may not be a purposeful offense. However not to challenge it suggests complicity and it is also a disservice to not attempt to help a new or even an old community member come to understand something of significant importance. I just no longer imagine a favorable outcome.

Which is a good thing for me because I used to go into these kinds of situations with such naiveté it was painful to watch. I remember on the dash site I was rather viciously attacked for suggesting to someone that they might want to consider that posting butches who wear lipstick make them want to vomit might be hurtful to a butch reading these words who wears lipstick and there might be a better way to convey this information such as saying that she prefers a butch who does not wear lipstick. She was not pleased by my suggestion. And her boyfriend was not either and he came in to help her kick me around a bit. I was puzzled that neither of them was moved that their words might be hurtful to someone else. As a matter of fact they went out of their way to say even more hurtful words. It was a lesson for me. I learned not to expect people to react well to a plea for empathy. It is very difficult for many people to put themselves in another’s place and imagine how something feels to that other person. Either that or it is difficult for them to give a shit once they do imagine how it feels to others.

Anyway back to the more important and infinitely more enjoyable conversation about HB’s boobs.

[Nic]

HoneyBarbara Daktari

[imperfect_cupcake]

My boobs are fairly pleased with the naked character value asessment from Daktari. I think my boobs have said enough. Daktari? Yes?

I know that I've been dogpiled by people on the dash site and at the English site (and they are much meaner) to the point I no longer post there. There have been misunderstandings about my posts that some patriots have taken deep offense to even though I and other foreigners had tried very hard to explain they were misreading/not understanding my original post - so I eventually left the board. I got tired of being told I hate English people when I don't. I would try to discuss difficulty with understanding cultural differences at times, hoping someone would explain the back ground to a specific trait so I could.try to understand. Learning the history of beer and public houses led me to understanding pub culture.
But asking something like "why do people act like I'm going to hit them with an Axe when I nod and say 'morning' or 'afternoon' as I pass them in a field instead of just nodding back?" Became something like me attacking britishness to a handful of the posters there. The foreigners would snicker about this recognized trait and anyone who had lived abroad would try to reexplain my question and come up with a plausible answer. Most people hadn't thought that there might be a different way to be around strangers. Talking to people you dont know is invasive and rude. In person my English mates would laugh, agree and there would be a really interesting discussion around my questions.

But on line is not a group of mates. It doesn't translate the same way. And I know that some places I have left. But also understand that when talking to a highly diverse audience, the chances of me being offensive go up. Highly. I know that means I should switch voice to something a bit less... Me? And more like I am talking at school. I forget this a lots
Talking on a forum its up to the speaker to clarify and if you aren't good with words then its a hard row to hoe. Its a word based medium. That's why a lot of people only stick to the fluffy thread and games.

And why some people leave. I left the other forum because I got bored of clarifying, making apologetic jokes, putting down boundaries and having a long list of people on ignore/block.

Sometimes people's needs around forums change and they leave.

And it is hard to hear something when you feel that its not actually what you are saying. I found out the same six people would take shots at me about being very open about sex, about relationships, if I ever mentioned the words butch or femme or talked about mental health so I learned that it wasnt so much the topics but more about those six women's irritations about me as a person. But you don't know that until you watch the dynamics at a board for a while and know whom to ignore. And whom is telling you things to educate because you've made an epic fuck up in assumptions.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

My boobs are fairly pleased with the naked character value asessment from Daktari. I think my boobs have said enough. Daktari? Yes?

*snip*

Enough...for today, yes!

However, I'm always available for further intercourse with them.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Daktari

Enough...for today, yes!

However, I'm always available for further intercourse with them.

Awww see. You make me miss the ability of the English to flirt with humour and a sledge hammer. Omg I miss the filthy innuendo and winks.

OK I did just show you my tits so that's probably helpful.

</I'm stopping now>

[thedivahrrrself]

Wow, this thread blew up while I was away!

From Page 1 (sorry, I'm so behind):

Weatherboi, that has not been my experience with the word "Southern". If you're talking about the Confederate flag, you're inviting a lively debate IMHO - you should probably expect to be piled on. I haven't personally seen anyone write about Southern pride; I suppose like any kind of geographic or regional pride, that would invite some debate as well.

No, my experience has been when people used the word in passing such as talking about "Southern manners" (which I'll readily admit to me means "say things behind my back and not to my face" LOL) and also when someone ID's as a "Southern Butch" or "Southern Femme". To me, if you are using something as an ID, you get to define it. I don't get to define "trans" to anyone who ID's that way, and they don't get to define "queer" to me. These are words that mean different things to different people. This is where I take issue with the "piling on" (for lack of a better term).

[Martina]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I haven't personally seen anyone write about Southern pride; I suppose like any kind of geographic or regional pride, that would invite some debate as well.

Oh, it has happened. And more than once. And "Southern Pride" is NOT like any other geographic or regional pride. That phrase is code for a lot of ideas that come under white racist ideology. In my experience, Southerners who do NOT intend to express racist ideology do not use that phrase much. At least not Southerners I have known.

Anyway, the conversation has been had, more than once.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I think, for me, because I'm a long time poster in a few forums and I read and contribute a lot of comments in news stories and unfortunately read too many you tube (I finally stopped reading you tube ones) that when we have gone in to explain with patience or with kindness even though MY feelings were hurt (offense is the feeling of hurt combined with anger) I and many others have been bitten many, many, many times. That's why there are moderators. If it was just a matter of being polite to people who hurt us, then we wouldn't need banning or time outs or terms or service.
And really I'm pretty fed up with people on internet forums being assholes. I'm going to say most of the time they don't have a neurodiverse way of looking at things. Mostly I seem people just being ignorant, willful, rude dickheads who want to be right.

I have seen massive clashes over difference of how to speak and joke. When Americans first come to an English board I always wince. Because they start with "why are y'all so mean and rude to each other..." And then the piss taking begins. And they don't understand that the way you deal with upset is a firm clip followed by a joke. If you take the piss out of someone the best response is to take the piss out of yourself. For example, I made a post about how upset I was about sexual harassment being a daily thing in my life and it affecting how I choose to dress every day.
One of the more trollish of the regulars said "yeah Babs, poor you. It must be so hard that everyone wants to fuck you so much. You do go on a good deal about how everyone, men, women and children want you. That must be difficult."
My response? "Oh it is, truly. But its the farm animals that bother me the most."

And that is generally how people deal with stuff. You make a joke and the other person looks like a tosser. You turn and say something earnest about your feelings and its a HUGE invite for people to see you can't take a swipe and roll with it. And you becoome a target.

Here everyone watches their language, tries to accommodate and discuss. The English humour doesn't translate to here and people get very offended.

So its the person in the minority that generally has to learn. It is really, really hard to learn the right way to do things when you have been brought up for x years to do them differently. It took me FIVE years to get a grip on English culture and how to not offend everyone, everyday. And ever after 10 years I still did because I still had to translate a lot of reactions and double guess. It did not come naturally to me. It was exhausting most of the time around certain things. I hung out with Australians and Scottish to get a break. That said northern English were a bit easier for me. Bit more blunt and blabby.

But when I came home?? Holy shit I realise how much I've been enculturated!! Everyone is soooooooooooo serious and walks on egg shells and is sooooo careful about not offending people that there is a kind of "spirit" and banter and ability to truly laugh at yourself (and you mates for being twats) and just let bullshit wash off your back that is lost and I really miss. Badly.

And again, I am offending people. And yes it totally costs me potential friendships. Like it did when I moved away 16 years ago. Like it did when I moved to work in central america.

But I am the one that has to learn. As much as I want everyone else to change. And sincerely?? I really do think everyone where I am is up their own arse and needs to learn to take a fucking joke (piss take: where you tease someone with sarcasm and black humour about something sensitive in order to make them laugh at what could be depressing)and laugh at themselves and quit being so afraid of offending people.

All this pussyfooting means people give lip service to crap in order not to offend instead of actually accepting. I dunno I tend to be of the view if you are comfortable and accepting of something you can piss take. If you are scared of being offensive and looking like a bigot....

I am not a gentle person. Nor do I expect people do be gentle with me. I can take shit on the chin and suck it up most of the time. Because I've had to learn to. That doesn't make me unempathetic. There are many times I've taken people aside on boards (especially people who aren't north american/English) after they've had a good beat down and had a bit of a pep talk.

But I have had my ass handed to me by people on boards many, many times. And often with them wearing a big fuck off rubber boot to make sure I ate my words. I don't think anyone owes it to me to be gentle if I hurt them. Hey asshat you are on my foot/oops! Sorry me and my happy clown feet trying to get overly friendly! Sorry!
I stepped on someones foot, its my error. So its my apology. And I've apologized a LOT.

I don't know what peoples intentions are, but on the net? Its pretty safe to say that someone saying something in a way people find sickish to the local custom, will get served.

But there will be people that IM them and tell them "hey, look, here, it might be an idea if..."

That doesn't happen on board because... Ugh we are queers and we have to fucking discuss everything to death and besides some of the advice about the dynamics here even with my iron balls I wouldn't say on the board in public because I'm not fond of.getting my ass kicked my admin. Which they would have to do to keep the peace.

I dunno if that is of any help, but its often helpful to know that its not you, it that other people are upset and hurt. Asking them to treat someone who hurt them better than they feel they think/believe they have been treated is probably a bit much to ask of humans, but I understand you asking. Unfortunately for me, I find that because I'm the one that's asking in the wrong way and upsetting people (and this happens fairly often...) That I have to sit down and figure out another way to ask the next few people. I've already buggered the last ones there is no way I'm going to salvage those so, onwards and upwards.

Often I have to sit down and vent, complain, brain storm with someone.

I am waaaaaaay to direct sexually and freak the hell out of people. Especially butches. Jesus wept I can't tell you the mountain of offense I've caused cause get too lazy to be be coy. And come in from the side. And let someone else lead. Which sucks because I'm mostly a submissive so the ones that like me think I'm going to kick their ass all.over the block in bitch boots and wow are they ever disapointed. I'm an aggressive cunt, I know. But to someone I'm willing to turn that over to cause I think they can handle it? Big deal.

But even my exes have told to take it down a notch. So I have to often rethink my approach after I've burned six dozen chances behind me.

It sucks but its kinda my issue. I wish to fuck everyone else would cut me some slack but... I'm 44. I know that's not how life is cut.

But its good to speak up and who knows maybe a couple of people might be more up for IMing someone after a dog pile to soothe and explain. I hope so.

I love and relate to this so much it isn't funny. I've always been crazy-blunt myself. And, I have a sarcastic streak to my humor that's often missed. (I love the "animals" comment, btw).

You're right, everybody is different and I cannot tell you how many times I've apologized in my life. Millions at least. Even if I didn't clearly understand what I did to cause offense. I used to apologize and explain so much as a child, I got in trouble for that too. I still do it.

I, too, am usually the aggressor and end up attracting a type that doesn't work with my dynamic. I am so not coy. I'm either unable to speak or I just come out with whatever. There's never a middle ground for me.

No, I don't expect anybody to walk around on eggshells. For me, though, there is a big difference between, "Why don't you go find another board to sling your sh*t on?" and "Do you realize [such and such term] might be considered offensive?"

Is that always going to happen? No. Of course not. When someone hits a nerve, someone hits a nerve. But if you're automatically assuming everyone who writes something that could be perceived as offensive is doing it on purpose, you might come across to the poster as a threat.

I realize I'm defending a small percentage of the population here. Most can take it. I know I've had to learn how to. The first accidentally-offensive post I made got such a reaction, I almost retreated but I resisted the urge and it actually turned into a good dialogue.

Seeing intentions online is nearly impossible. That's why giving people the benefit of the doubt at first might be the best approach. After that, they're fair game.

[Martina]

I think when we get into discussions about how we ought to communicate, we end up forgetting that there are usually actual serious issues getting ironed out.

One of the many has been the whole notion that there is one way of doing butch or femme. That explodes periodically, as it should.

New folk end up accidentally -- or not -- swatting a beehive now and then -- meaning one of our simmering issues. And then all hell breaks loose. It's not necessarily about the person who is getting dogpiled -- if that is part of it. It's that there is a tension under the surface, and the person has said just the right thing to cause an eruption.

We had a guy and his wife a while back who were truly into male superiority -- not just as gender play -- but as a way of life. I felt bad for them in that they were basically run off the site. I don't mean moderated. I don't recall that they were. I imagine so. I don't recall. In any case, they had few allies. Theirs was an extreme position, and it received an extreme reaction. But some of the intensity wasn't about them. It was about the fact that there is a milder form of their belief among us that is supported and practiced fairly commonly. The extreme version looked pretty ugly, and most people were shocked. But a lot of the energy behind the reaction was because we do have a "lite" version of that in our midst. I think the people who find it disturbing were ready to react. And the folks who actually had something in common with them were looking for a way of distancing themselves from that unabashed version of their gender dynamics. So the couple couldn't win.

I think they -- the couple -- were shocked by the reaction. I don't think they saw themselves as that different from many others here. (I don't know this. I am surmising.) Point is that it was a line this community drew. It was less about who these two people were as individuals -- or about anybody's communication style -- than it was that this was an issue that the community was ready to react to. And react we did.

[imperfect_cupcake]

"I, too, am usually the aggressor and end up attracting a type that doesn't work with my dynamic. I am so not coy. I'm either unable to speak or I just come out with whatever. There's never a middle ground for me."

Right?!? Ugh. Either my personality falls on the floor and smashes into 500,000 pieces and to cover that I go to "aloof" and quietly smiling (yeah. That doesn't work. That says "not interested and polite") or I'm making rude jokes, swearing and telling stories about when I cracked my skull on a rock ha!ha!ha! So when i got out of the water, I had peeled the skin off my scalp and down the front of my face, blood pouring down my face, the German dyke I was trying to impress actually screamed and when first aide came running over she asked me how I felt so I said "sexy." Ha!ha!
Them: horrified stare.
My thought: OK that's been cremated. Ah well. Maybe I should piss off... I've upset a gentile sort that likes bunnies and kittens and meditating with the spirit of the dirt. There is no way this would work if she finds that horrific instead of amusing.

But Martina is right. Some issues people deal with so often, and its such an undercurrent that someones comment may be the last straw on that for the week. And they lose it when they had been patient 35 times before. I'm very guilty of this. Especially around certain things with "not butch enough" because so many of my exes have worn make up ( usually a bit of eyeliner for that punk rock look) and have never been camping (hello, majour European mega cities, its not easy unless to have transport and money) nor fished or chopped wood or been in true darkness and they don't fix stuff- you call the repair people to do it. Who can afford the time/space/tools and training??? Not unless they grew up elsewhere in the countryside and moved to London/Paris/Madrid/Amsterdam. They dress incredibly well for what they can afford (sewing and altering mens clothes from second hand shops to fit properly) and going out to socialise - its important to peacock and look great.

So when I hear judgments coming from femmes about not butch enough" it irritates me because it shows how very tiny their experience of the world is, and how they are assuming masculinity is American Woodcutter all over the globe. With american dating culture rituals. People made jokes in London about femmes who only understood "American Butch" because its small minded and insulting to a lot of butches who are urban and not into that kind of stuff. So when I hear that complaint I feel the worth of all of my partners, who are very Cary Grant style, have a sense of grace that old film stars have... Going down the shitter cause they don't fit a Midwestern US Ideal of manhood... And once again anything seen as "unmasculine" to their locality ... And why a lot of my exes hate the term "masculine" female... Masculine = what men do in the US and there fore the ruler that butch women are held up to in order to qualify.
See? I'm ranting already. And nobody has set me off. You should see what happens when someone does. Occasionally my dates would do it on purpose just to "watch me fly" and then try and get frisky and see if they could make me laugh and calm me down enough for a shag.
Fuck knows what that's about.
Anyway bla blah...
It could be a long term pet chip on their shoulder, like mine. That and femmes being an amorphous Borg that are all similar and thus should all be treated the same formulaic way in romance or sexually or in an argument or bah! Pisses me off.
So yeah sometimes people like me have touch paper issues with things we deal with too much. And have kinda stopped caring about the feelings of people who say them. I'll totally own that.

Ironically, I'm an amazing negotiator for complaints and governance in hospitals when there has been an epic fuck up. But then I'm paid to deal with it.
I also have patience for things other people do not in term of explaining. Toughy and heart have epic amounts of patience. Bless em. But they aren't coddling either.

I rarely give my real opinion on anything heavy on this or any other site; well, especially this site because I'm not active on any others nowadays.

Yassee, I'm a Brit, have ya noticed? ...and there are so many cultural differences in how we live and express ourselves that it's just safer to keep schtum and stick to the fluffy threads most of the time. I do make forays in the more sexual threads from time to time; although sometimes speaking in those threads can be fraught with the risk of judgement from others, that's mainly in my head I reckon but it still stops me saying some things.
Like HB I'm super open about sex, sexuality and my enjoyment of it, however I keep that for real life, rather than these fora generally.

I have observed the dog-piling both here and on the one you lot call the dash site and it's not pretty. I've also seen it and been part of one particularly notable dog-pile on a UK site - I left it shortly after. In that instance we were backing up the site 'owner' from a vengeful ex and hys easily led (international) friend.

I'm one opinionated dood and despite being a wordsmith, oft times find myself without the words to 'defend' such opinions and to be totally honest, also sometimes lack the depth & breadth of knowledge about a given subject. Under 'pressure' I'm reduced to a babbling idiot. I like to learn though and tend to feel uncomfortable asking the questions here because 'do the work yourself' is meaningless when unaware of the work necessary to 'get upto speed' with the rest.
In real life, face to face, when intention and tone is more easily ascertained, I'll put forward said opinions and be prepared to back up what I think and also learn from others.

A couple of sites I've been part of have 'pet academics' that come in to blind everyone with academic writing when all hell has broken loose about a given subject ...this usually calms or shuts down a heated conversation because most participants can't debate on phd levels.

As a newcomer to an international site it took a long time to carve my own little niche and feel comfortable posting, even in the fluffy threads.

Bit of a mish mash of unfinished thoughts there I'm afraid, but hey, tha's how I roll on a Thursday morning.

[Nic]

Originally Posted by Daktari

I rarely give my real opinion on anything heavy on this or any other site; well, especially this site because I'm not active on any others nowadays.

Yassee, I'm a Brit, have ya noticed? ...and there are so many cultural differences in how we live and express ourselves that it's just safer to keep schtum and stick to the fluffy threads most of the time. I do make forays in the more sexual threads from time to time; although sometimes speaking in those threads can be fraught with the risk of judgement from others, that's mainly in my head I reckon but it still stops me saying some things.
Like HB I'm super open about sex, sexuality and my enjoyment of it, however I keep that for real life, rather than these fora generally.

I have observed the dog-piling both here and on the one you lot call the dash site and it's not pretty. I've also seen it and been part of one particularly notable dog-pile on a UK site - I left it shortly after. In that instance we were backing up the site 'owner' from a vengeful ex and hys easily led (international) friend.

I'm one opinionated dood and despite being a wordsmith, oft times find myself without the words to 'defend' such opinions and to be totally honest, also sometimes lack the depth & breadth of knowledge about a given subject. Under 'pressure' I'm reduced to a babbling idiot. I like to learn though and tend to feel uncomfortable asking the questions here because 'do the work yourself' is meaningless when unaware of the work necessary to 'get upto speed' with the rest.
In real life, face to face, when intention and tone is more easily ascertained, I'll put forward said opinions and be prepared to back up what I think and also learn from others.

A couple of sites I've been part of have 'pet academics' that come in to blind everyone with academic writing when all hell has broken loose about a given subject ...this usually calms or shuts down a heated conversation because most participants can't debate on phd levels.

As a newcomer to an international site it took a long time to carve my own little niche and feel comfortable posting, even in the fluffy threads.

Bit of a mish mash of unfinished thoughts there I'm afraid, but hey, tha's how I roll on a Thursday morning.

Feel a bit of this myself. "Do the work" is fair enough IF you know what the work is in the first place. Being a newbie and seeing an (IMO) over reaction to naïveté or honest ignorance has changed my mind about posting couple of times. Probably better off limiting myself to reading anyway. Doesn't come with the same opportunities to carry my ass in my hands as posting does. Don't mind being smacked when I'm being a brick. Don't appreciate being smacked WITH a brick either, especially when my question is a legitimate search for info or honest ignorance. Intentions pave a lot of roads, not just the one to hell. Lots of well intentioned people say-do stupid crap. Some get on my nerves because they're lazy. Rest are just clueless. Speaking up in either case is well and good until education turns into a display of superiority. Being an ass won't improve anything. Think we speak up because we want change. I'm not getting anywhere if I open the dialogue by driving a wedge between me and the person I'm trying reach. Not advocating laying down in the face of shitty behavior-comments. But generally what I dish out is what I can expect back. Think it's normal for people to get bristley when someone (or a bunch of someones) comes at them with a 2x4. The surprise some people express over defensivness in others feels disingenuous IMO. Who hasn't been defensive? We all know how we get there. I know what response I'll get if I choose the "bend over bitch" route to slapping someone down versus the "foreplay first" path. Hypocritical to say I wouldn't be ruffled if someone came on, guns ablazing, to tell me how wrong I am about something. If someone says "Hey listen Nic..." I'm listening immediately. Takes me longer if I get the "Hey Moron" opener.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I think its been suggested more than once that there is a newbie "dumb question" thread.

I made one for another board, sort of an FAQ, for the identity section. I linked commonly asked questions to threads that addressed them and invited people to ask questions about identity if they were new to the concept, in that thread, so if people felt like having the patience to answer something they've answered 9 squillion times before, they could go in and do so.
And if anyone asked a FAQ in a thread, it was decided that instead of people groaning and rolling their eyes and pretending to cut their wrists open, they would paste the link.

I got so sick of one question in particular because it was such a complicated answer I copied and pasted my answer the last time I did it into the FAQ. I then would just copy and paste the four paragraphs from the FAQ into the thread someone was asking in. Because lots of times faced with the FAQ thread, people would suddenly not want to ask anymore.

Or read.

But I suppose that's like when you go to a company and you wanna talk to someone and they send you to the FAQ section, to look for the answer, you just drop it.

I have been reading a blog about this gal that post pictures of men spreading their legs super wide on crowded transit and preventing people from sitting. She got asked about six questions over and over by blokes. So she finally set up an FAQ to answer those questions. Needless to say lots of dudes don't bother and just ask because they don't want an answer, they want to make a point.

Which it can feel like sometimes to other questions. I'm sure ALL of you have questions that make you mental. Because you just want it printed on a card so you don't have to answer it again, get the same arguments again and you just lose the will to live I t the middle of the conversation. This where in person I start miming hair Kari and then hanging myself with my own intestines. Which is t helpful.

But! Maybe a newbie FAQ thread that gets "stuck" to the top of a.section so its easy to find?

Anyone? And the rule is if you go in there and answer, you can't answer with your "you cocksock!" Reaction at the ready.

What do people think?

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Martina

Oh, it has happened. And more than once. And "Southern Pride" is NOT like any other geographic or regional pride. That phrase is code for a lot of ideas that come under white racist ideology. In my experience, Southerners who do NOT intend to express racist ideology do not use that phrase much. At least not Southerners I have known.

Anyway, the conversation has been had, more than once.

Oh, I don't doubt that it happened. And I'm sure any piling was well-deserved. I just haven't personally read those threads.

[Cin]

There are definitely issues that are difficult for me to remain calm when discussing. A classist ideology, for example, really sets me off. It’s personal and brings up all kinds of stuff for me. It is totally my issue, and I get that, but that’s my life experience and how I react because of it is not likely to change.

Part of this ideology I often see is equating education with intelligence. This is short sighted in my opinion, not to mention elitist. But in all fairness, of course that would trigger me since I don’t have an education, money or a well paying job. But my issue or not, it’s still a shitty ideology. And a person doesn’t need any education to value critical thinking, they might not necessarily name it that, but they get it and use it, just as much, maybe more, certainly more honestly, than many so called intellectuals. Nobody had to teach me to be logical or reflective or to think both concretely and abstractly. Just like nobody had to teach me to be hypervigilant. They all gave me an edge and upped the odds of my survival.

My speaking voice is a stereotype in itself and causes people to underestimate me. There are a plethora of stuff like that, along with a certain social ineptitude that being raised by wolfs will leave you with, that has made it even more difficult to climb out of the hole I was born into and that I made even deeper by a succession of wrong choices. So when I find someone is judging the value of a human being using financial worth and earning potential as the criteria, I have been known to lose it. I don’t think it’s fair to use that kind of criteria because we all didn’t start this life off from the same socio economic position, we all didn’t have the same opportunities for advancement.

There is a certain kind of folk lore, mostly amongst the advantaged, centered on how poor and working class people, even those from the most horrendous family situations can, if they just apply themselves, rise above their circumstances and become successful. While that is certainly possible in theory, in practice it doesn’t work, the idea itself lacks both honesty and empathy and only succeeds to place the burden of and the result from poverty and an abusive childhood squarely on the shoulders of the victim. Blame the victim ideology also pisses me off. There is a privileged belief that cream rises to the top and anyone of value will be capable of picking themselves up by their bootstraps and becoming successful. Framed within this ideology, success is defined as financial. I think people like me are immensely successful if we are still standing when the smoke clears and can pass muster as a functional human being. Big kudos for that I think, don’t be so sure you could have done it.

I understand everybody gets to choose who they want around them and they have the right to judge the less fortunate as losers who lack motivation and drive and just simply eliminate poor people as potential friends and lovers if they desire. I just think it’s dumb. And it pisses me off. But even with an issue like this, an issue that is clearly a trigger for me, I can step back before I attack and ask myself what I want from the exchange I am about to enter into. Do I just want the satisfaction of telling the person what I think of their classist attitude or do I want the opportunity of planting a seed of doubt in their hearts and in their minds? I might not get the person to look at their beliefs and reevaluate them regardless of how I handle the situation, but I surely won’t even get a chance if I just tell them they are elitist assholes. Well nothing beyond allowing myself to indulge in something that is shallow but satisfying. Like making an allowance for the empty calories in chocolate because it tastes good. But too much indulging of any kind isn’t good for the spirit. And I find it much easier to be civil, even to those whose personal beliefs offend me deeply, if I think of this attempt to change someone’s opinion as something I am doing to honor myself as well as others like me. If I make it more about doing it for me it’s easier to take the high road.

I find asking myself what I want works in every situation in which I am going to confront someone. I think about what I want to achieve with the interaction. Do I want to open up a dialogue or do I want to shut down any opportunity for productive conversation? Hopefully I will choose dialogue, even though sometimes it feels like it would be more satisfying and I know it would take less energy (which mostly ends up as just so much wasted hot air) to just tell the person to go fuck themselves. Hard.

I just meant to say enough to show how difficult this issue is for me. And to talk about the things I tell myself so I can still try to have a meaningful conversation with someone who holds a classist ideology. That was really the point of all this. What i say to get it up to have a civil conversation with someone who pushes all my buttons.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Daktari

I'm one opinionated dood and despite being a wordsmith, oft times find myself without the words to 'defend' such opinions and to be totally honest, also sometimes lack the depth & breadth of knowledge about a given subject. Under 'pressure' I'm reduced to a babbling idiot. I like to learn though and tend to feel uncomfortable asking the questions here because 'do the work yourself' is meaningless when unaware of the work necessary to 'get upto speed' with the rest.

I don't care to tell people to do the work. I don't believe I have ever done that. Even times when I think to myself, if you really just wanted to know where something comes from why don't you just google it? I figure if I posted it, it's my responsibility to post the source.

But I would never even think "do the work" when someone is asking a question here. I figure it's one of the things that we need to do for each other. It's one of the very best things we can give. I get that sometimes it's tiring to keep rehashing stuff. And there is so much valuable stuff stored on the data base that it is an excellent idea to read the old threads. But just reading is so academic and stark. And it isn't a lot of people's cuppa. So to me it isn't that helpful to tell people to do the work or to read the old threads. Not exclusively that's for sure. I mean you might want to let them know about the resources that are available but not make them feel like that is all that is available to them. And I think that thread idea HB suggested might work really well.

[Cin]

To me humor is difficult and it often does not translate well on a public forum. I tend to shy away from using it, especially since I have a rather quirky sense of humor period. I’m always afraid it will be taken the wrong way. Or that what I think is funny is really inappropriate or offensive and will not be funny to others. I have enough trouble with my sense of humor offline. I am always being told I am too sarcastic. But even when it’s not about sarcasm, which I understand is tough because a lot of people don’t care for it, I still find myself having to explain why something is funny or not funny. I often find something funny that others don’t and vice versa. And sometimes I will be prompted to do something that in the moment I think is mildly humorous and appropriate only to discover too late that others vehemently disagree.

A good example is what I like to refer to as “the luxury apartment incident” and what my wife likes to refer to as “the what the hell is wrong with you incident”. They built these luxury apartments in Cote St Luc a town near Montreal, which to me is really part of Montreal, but it’s not considered to be, whatever, that’s besides the point. But anyway my wife wanted to go have a look at the apartment building and talk to someone about renting there. She thought that would be fun. I thought it would be more enjoyable to walk over hot coals or cut a piece of bamboo into strips and stick them under my finger nails but I love to indulge my wife so off we went.

I didn’t understand why she wanted to waste time looking at a place where we could never ever afford to live, but then I don’t get the concept of window shopping either so. Anyway she told me to let her do the talking. When we pulled into the parking lot she repeated that I should refrain from talking and let her handle this outing. I said sure. So during the conversation with the apartment manager, who kept looking at me like I was the human equivalent of shit on his shoe, I asked if they allowed pets. My wife glared at me because I wasn’t supposed to talk. I forgot. Anyway the guy turned his shoe shit gaze on me and said only cats and small dogs. I asked how they came up with the criteria to distinguish small from medium. I don’t remember his answer because my wife kicked me. Anyway he must have thought I looked dubious because he launched into a speech about the importance of small dogs to lonely women, especially the elderly. And how they are not a problem for anyone. Now don’t ask me why I did this because really I’m not clear on my reasoning. I began to bark. I am very good at sounds. I do animals well, but really sounds in general are my forte. So I launched into my impression of a pack of dogs barking. I always thought it was really an impressive talent. Don’t know why I think that because really no one has ever been impressed. And true to form no one was. But anyway we left shortly after that and my wife did not get to actually see an apartment. She was rather pissed and kept asking what part of don’t talk did I not understand. I was like okay I’ll give you that, but you never said anything about barking.

I often find the exact wrong moment to be funny. It's a talent really. I felt myself falling into that trap on the gun control thread and managed, just barely and in the nick of time, to reign myself in. It's big fun for me to run off on one my tangents yukking up a inappropriate storm, but other people get offended and I hear my asshat but somewhat prophetic aunt telling me how it's all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out. I'm best leaving the humor to the professionals.

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I don't care to tell people to do the work. I don't believe I have ever done that. Even times when I think to myself, if you really just wanted to know where something comes from why don't you just google it? I figure if I posted it, it's my responsibility to post the source.
*snip*

As you quoted my post can you show me where I claimed you personally say such things?