Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

This keeps coming to mind of late through the fuggleness of meds...

God (or whoever your higher power may be) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Day 3...still feeling like, well, utter crap really. Having a heavy chest infection is not helping. Day 4 can only be better.

Day 4 is always a BIG day, expect great things!!! If not on day 4 then definitely on day 5!!! Hang in there, my friend!

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Day 4 is always a BIG day, expect great things!!! If not on day 4 then definitely on day 5!!! Hang in there, my friend!

Hanging with gritted teeth and bloody fingernails. This too shall pass.

I have high hope for the coming days.

Thankyou lovely girl for being a positive influence. *kotc*

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 3

AND THIS IS FOR WHAT?




I smiled down on God and said, “This is pretty and what is it for?”
“Oh, that’s your life. It is a surprisingly useful thing to have.” My Higher Power, like my sponsor, thinks she is funny but she is not.
“What am I supposed to do with it?”
“Who do you think I am, your mother, your Grandpa Joe, your guidance counselor? I put all the possibilities in you then I let the wind blow. What would be the fun of coming here if I gave it to you all mapped out? Did it occur to you the reason people say ‘you are right where you are supposed to be’ is because you did the things that brought you here, not Me, and if you don’t like it here you are the one who needs the motivation to change it.”
“Take my life............Please.”
“You are such a comedian!”
“No, that’s your department, and could you stop tending your garden for five minutes and give me your attention?”
“I don’t need to give you that kind of attention. You bloom on your own.”

Age with curiosity.

*
The Inside Half


I have drunk deeply from the glass set before me.
I’m not entirely sure that I am half way through,
but I am into it a goodly bit.

I would be happy to have another 19 years;
nineteen more hours would be a gift, too.
That glass might be half empty
but I am at least half full and I am amazed!

I am regularly stunned by the prodigies
this half trek has born to term;
equally dazzled by how quickly the generations
compound in this painstaking construction.

Development both internal and assembled
surpasses my wildest imaginings.
Amazement is my most constant companion,
more than gratitude

and as of late even outstripping willingness
my most trusted ally.
Shock has been replace by wonder,
bewilderment with surprise,

I am fortified with these feeling realities
and look happily to finishing the rest
of what is in that glass.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 4

HOW LIKE THE MOON



I show the shining, bright face to the world but can not enumerate the dark. I change and turn for all to see, glowing sliver to full fledged smile. I inventory all phases, can tell you from wax to wane, but the darkness, the anchor to my lonely life, I can only guess. I feel my way across the unknown topography, searching with fingertips and faith to find the secrets of this magic nightmare. And what? What is the thing to break it? Hope? Reverence? A detailed map? Or is the darkness just a fact? Part of the big equation, the equalizer of the light? If this is so, how best to live with it? Continue the search or post barriers? Go ever forward, looking for an answer? Endear myself to the void?
The choices are always mine. The way, seldom clear.


Breathe with power.

*

Today’s Math


Today is 12/06/06 this is an equation to me,
12 = 6 + 6, simple.
Not everything is, but math always works for me.
My Higher Power is math based
and one of my major decision making tools
is to run the equation of the presenting situation.

There are many constants in my life
and those numbers are easier to calculate
the variables often prove more difficult.
Scalable problems allow for my Geometry.
Proofs are a comfort when I can get them.
Set Theory is what I settle for when I can’t.

I try to show all my work
and have others check my calculations.
I can’t tell you how often a simple error
in addition or subtraction has fouled my whole equation
not to mention my equilibrium.

In conclusion I would like to say it is now 12= 9 + 6
and somehow I’ve lost three days, or did I gain them?
See how tricky the signs are.

[RockOn]

Incubus, tie a knot in it and hold on tight. Although you are in a tough place right now, you can do it. I promise you it will get better. If you need to talk, PM me and I will give you my cell phone number.

Best wishes.
Brock

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 5


THE FORGOTTEN


"I am not Cleopatra; I am not in denial. I forgot."
“Sure,” says my sponsor, “I’ve seen the headdress.”
"That’s not fair! I’ve heard women say they forget the pain of childbirth."
“They’re kidding. You can’t just forget pain. It’s there waiting in the wings, looking for its fifteen minutes of fame.”
"And what if I don’t give pain its fifteen minutes?"
“You will be the worse for it,” she says with her smug way.
"What if I can’t drag it forward?"
“Honey, Baby, Sweetie, you need to let those things come up before they drag you back to a drink or whatever your new addiction of choice is. Just open your mind. You might be surprised what is waiting to see the light of day.”
"What if it kills me?"
“Darling you’re not that lucky. You don’t get to escape through death, either. Lean into this and you will get through it faster. Hold on to the program and you will get through it easier. Fight it and it will tear you up.”
Always the optimist, my sponsor.




Dispel assumptions, inhale willingness.
*



What is “offender” number 2?

I’m not looking for trouble, really I’m not,
it’s just that thanks to this program
I’m no longer plagued by resentment,
but I doubt that is the only stumbling block there is.

Possibly the remaining list is as divergent
as the alcoholics who make the lists.
Though I am guessing we have more in common
than that one thing.

I stare at the various and sundry bric-a-brac
measuring potential harm and formidability,
so many candidates with razor edges.

I take my combat pose as I lift the pen,
wondering if giving things status also gives them power.
I take comfort that acknowledgement is empowering for me.

Tell me the weights you lift
to strengthen your “Spiritual Muscle”
the things that crowd behind resentment
vying for their turn as perpetrator of downfall and misery.

Originally Posted by Brock

Incubus, tie a knot in it and hold on tight. Although you are in a tough place right now, you can do it. I promise you it will get better. If you need to talk, PM me and I will give you my cell phone number.

Best wishes.
Brock

Knot tied...teeth still gritted but goddamn it I will get there. Thanks for the encouragement Brock.

Day 5 was a purty good day, I actually felt quite perky considering I have what has developed into pleurisy (again).

Day 6 (today) hurts...I wanna know why my kidneys still hurt like hell. I'll ask the Doctor when I go see her/him at the start of the week. However, as I wake up I am feeling non-alcoholically a bit perkier again...I'm sure if I wasn't otherwise so sick and knocked out I'd be bouncing

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 6

THE THRONG


The more people I meet, the more vehemently I do not believe in God. The tidal wave of human ignorance hits me and the sheer and repetitive force of it is more than my single souled craft can bear. Cyclical, coincidental tragedy coupled with purposeful meanness, barbed with arrogance and misaligned fear hold my child's faith under a scalding bath of realism. What to do? I do not know.
The fragility and perniciousness of life war with each other, though loss wins out. What can I use to keep myself from withdrawal into despondent hibernation? Looking for glimmers of goodness in the sea of overwhelming depravity is not cutting it with me. Mystery as an explanation is not working either. I am not a retarded five-year-old; I am a despairing thirty-eight-year-old and I am tired of game-playing and coyness. I want a God to arrive, not with explanations, but solutions. I am not looking for a punishing parent to send errant persons to bed without supper. I am looking for the equation of repair, the dance steps to healing. I am yearning for a global twelfth step, a universal attunement and galactic spiritual awakening. And by the way, I want it now.

If you can’t write, sing.

*

More Than Less



There is a difference between
doing G-d’s will and winning,
though sometimes they look the same.

Skin deep appearance or monetary prowess
share no border with the will of G-d,
but these can stack as transparencies
seeming invisible to the uninitiated practitioner.

The organs exist and blood flows in the living thing
and the shell is hard, lifeless; though it glints.
Success can be the mantel of right compliance
or the shroud of something deadly.

I mustn’t be pushed or pulled by the desire
of accolades or acceptance,
nor shall I flee into a trap for fear of ridicule or rejection.

The lacerations of emotional infliction,
unloving judgments and imprudent fallout
cause me to flinch in the face of changing focus
and relinquishing hope of control.

I am powerless over everything and responsible to everything.
Anything else is incidental
and with loving help will work out if I do not panic.

Ah, to love myself as G-d loves me.

[RockOn]

Incubus, I'm pulling for you. Keep the main thing, the main thing. By all means, do see a doctor.

Baby steps, baby steps. Take care not to place yourself in a stressful situation - you are fragile right now with vulnerable emotions. Hope you are hanging with others in recovery. For me, when I got to feeling better physically and fell back in with a using/drinking buddy or six, my lying mind would tell me, "oh, that physical sickness was not so bad" ... then I'd be "coming to" ... wondering how I could have let it happen again ... but still continued cycling through it over and over. Incubus, the recovery people told me at a meeting that I would not ever have to feel so sick again from deliberate ingestion of mood altering substances ... if I didn't want to because I now had a choice if I hung with them and did what they did. I hated, purely hated things they said to me in the beginning but they were right. That is how it was for me.

I sure hope you make good choices for you. I'll check back to see how you are doing.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 7

THE SEAMLESS DOOR


Tongue and groove fit tight; the pickled boards do not belie the passage. Hinges buried deep, secreted inside the place with no words, the door remains shut, hidden. The air, candy sweet, the space, filled with the unbroken stream of surreal childhood. What can I tell you of this living snapshot? Nothing but the haltings, stops and shudders of a life encapsulated. Proudly, I walk from this train wreck only to find the tether stitched to my heart, my soul, my mind. Flashing through the room, I weary and wonder. I have often found myself outside this confusing destination, but never have I seen the door. Always, I believe, this time I am free of it. When I find myself again within this realm, I know it is something I can not be parted from.
Then what of the door? The undetected portal was spied by me one day while it swung in the breeze. I saw the simple barn and the open loft door; I never thought my incubus to be housed in so plain a construction. There the turmoil of my forward motion stored in the attic of the pony shed. So many tragic contrivances are stored in such candid spots. Accessibility is the beginning of approach; I take the stairs.

Remember willingness doesn’t need to float; it swims

*
Two Powers



The river and the bridge;
one force swift and roiling
the other stolid and stoic,

The first carries me away
and the other carries me over.
For the love of liquid, current and life
I have slipped in to the water
and washed; my life abandoned.

For love of upright contact,
terra bound movement and love
I cross the bridge.

Will I be deposited in the Ocean
or wend to the City and back?
Where is the greater power
in Surrender or Choice?

Originally Posted by Brock

Incubus, I'm pulling for you. Keep the main thing, the main thing. By all means, do see a doctor.

Baby steps, baby steps. Take care not to place yourself in a stressful situation - you are fragile right now with vulnerable emotions. Hope you are hanging with others in recovery. For me, when I got to feeling better physically and fell back in with a using/drinking buddy or six, my lying mind would tell me, "oh, that physical sickness was not so bad" ... then I'd be "coming to" ... wondering how I could have let it happen again ... but still continued cycling through it over and over. Incubus, the recovery people told me at a meeting that I would not ever have to feel so sick again from deliberate ingestion of mood altering substances ... if I didn't want to because I now had a choice if I hung with them and did what they did. I hated, purely hated things they said to me in the beginning but they were right. That is how it was for me.

I sure hope you make good choices for you. I'll check back to see how you are doing.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience Brock...yes it sure is baby steps, vulnerability and high emotion.

Sadly, I have to admit I've done these baby steps before. Once ago, a very long time ago in another lifetime I was at this very point. If I hadn't made a conscious decision to start drinking alcohol again after 16/17 yrs sobriety I would be celebrating my 26th sober anniversary this year. Alas that is not to be.

I remember quite a bit. Some of the steps, especially the first one is stuck in my mind at the moment as well as the serenity prayer. I still even have a copy of the 'The Big Book' and other such publications somewhere. I am however not being complacent about having a little background knowledge. Nothing substitutes for fellowship with other sober folks, meetings and other opportunities we can take to continue our healing. Right now I'm aiming to be getting acupuncture which is available for free Mon-Thurs at the local ADS (alcohol dependency services) and on Thursday am attending a way meeting with my detox nurse and the Blackpool Alcohol Team who have various channels of help that I may be able to avail myself of. I also have a list of the local meetings on my living room door. I'm lucky there is a Friends Meeting House very locally which hosts quite a number of meetings both in the day and some evening ones.

I am not totally hanging with sober folks as my long term friends aren't. I did the same when I gave up smoking too though. All my friends are very supportive of my decision to quit.

Day 8 and I'm feeling clearer headed than I have in a long time. I'm dog tired though; my sleep pattern is all over the place - I'm man-0-pausally insomniac anyway but I'm sure that it will settle down some.

Feather by feather the phoenix shall arise!

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 8

ACCIDENT OF BIRTH



We are here together, born the millstones about one another’s necks. Parentage equates to persuasion and I hold these strangers to my breast. Minds having chosen, violent turns skew off radar’s blip. I am held by guilt’s tight sutures to this motley mass. I long for the freedom of birds to fly far from my nest mates. Possessing sense enough not to neighbor with owners of my same genetic skin, I dream to be a turtle of the sea and meet each other in neutral waterways, friends for seasons of choice, far from the family shore. Accidents brought us together. Let kindness emancipate us.


Test your mind with poetry.

*


From Pen to Progress



“Leave those gaters in the paddock
awhile longer,” said my sponsor.
I gave a little better than a cursory glance
at the hulking forms
though I did stay strictly on my side of the fence
and grasped tighter the hand of my custodian.

The onceover, worked fine as my first pass through
the creatures of the swamp,
I didn’t fully grasp what lay beyond the petting zoo,
but given my newness this wasn’t entirely a bad thing.

On second run I was in a boat
with a glass bottom and a guide, I had vision, clarity.
Third time through was a charm,
swim fins and a rope tied about my waist,
it was all too real.

I floundered and had to be hauled bodily
by my home group, my sponsor stood anchor.
I have numbered and charted these murky waters now
and I see the lure they have for my ailing, twisted mind;

The intensity of the brutes awash
and the dark calling to dark
makes that sick sense that only an alcoholic can parse.

I have to take to those byways
with supplies and reinforcements.
Never swim alone!

Day 10 (31st Jan was my date)

I had the best nights sleep I've had in years last night. I slept and slept and slept - on the sofa...then slipped myself into bed in the early hours (6am) and fell straight back to sleep; something totally unheard of, it would usually have taken a big fat drink or three to go back to sleep. Yesterday's acupuncture did something for sure. Sadly I can't make todays session but I'll be there on Monday; I finish a class at uni just about in time to get to the venue, for more of those relaxing needles.

There's stress at the moment which I could easily use as an excuse to hide away and drink but I choose not to. The Government may need me to jump through more hoops of fire so that I can continue to survive but I shall do it and do it sober.

I shall remind myself as I remind the guys in the quitting smoking thread...May the force be with you

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 9

READY



Ready or not here it comes: life on terms of its own. Bracing for the onslaught of gravity I grip too well the implements of past days. Fearing the pressure, I lay in my shallow grave, the ground having been scooped out by hand. Withering from expectation, my blood runs slow and dark, reducing to coagulated futility, losing my life in anticipation of death. Attempts at being less as means of protection fail. Less is not a solution; fading does not make life more livable. It makes me unavailable. Readiness is my responsibility; it is momentary. Momentary is sufficient. Sobriety is nothing more than lining myself up with the needs of this instant. I need go no further. Whole solutions, not my department. Showing up, dressed and washed, ball and bat in hand if possible, but just making it to the lineup is my full time job. Even if I never swing, it is still better than being buried in the field.


Put a joke in your pocket.
*
Simultaneous Acceptance



Being typical is a difficult thing to live with,
but I am typical.
Being extraordinary is a challenging thing
to live up to, but this is also mine to bear,
you see I am a typical alcoholic after all.

Walking with one foot in each camp is not enough.
I must simultaneously accept both
my common commonality
and my lottery winner uniqueness
If I am to travel hand in hand with my Higher Power.

If I don’t integrate this double reality,
allow it to imprint my thoughts
the way it is tattooed in my DNA
I can not possibly take the biggest step of all.

Drop my judgment of these things
so that humility can dwell within.
You see there is not enough room in the vortex
of my humanness to accommodate the jags of verdict

And the desire for the sublime smoothness of humility.
I can’t chase humility, I have had to face that,
but I can remove the impediments to its residence.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 10 (31st Jan was my date)

I had the best nights sleep I've had in years last night. I slept and slept and slept - on the sofa...then slipped myself into bed in the early hours (6am) and fell straight back to sleep; something totally unheard of, it would usually have taken a big fat drink or three to go back to sleep. Yesterday's acupuncture did something for sure. Sadly I can't make todays session but I'll be there on Monday; I finish a class at uni just about in time to get to the venue, for more of those relaxing needles.

There's stress at the moment which I could easily use as an excuse to hide away and drink but I choose not to. The Government may need me to jump through more hoops of fire so that I can continue to survive but I shall do it and do it sober.

I shall remind myself as I remind the guys in the quitting smoking thread...May the force be with you

Yes, may the force be with you! I am so excited that you are accruing day and getting sleep. I hope the hoop jumping goes well and that you continue to have those sweet nights of sleep! Big hugs, Sherrie

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 10

FORGIVENESS



“Forgiveness is not something to force on people like unwanted coffee,” says my sponsor.
Everyone tells me forgive, forgive, forgive.
“These are the same folks who said, ‘stay and have another drink.’ It is only appropriate to forgive people who ask for forgiveness and show you with their behavior that they want it. It is never appropriate to shove forgiveness on people who haven’t asked, show no signs of wanting it, or demonstrate just the opposite.”
I thought forgiveness was to help me feel better.
“Letting go of resentments is to make you feel better. Making amends to the people you’ve hurt, and cleaning up your side of the street is to make you feel better. Keeping an open mind and heart will make you ready for the possibility of someone coming to make amends. Forgiveness is a two-way street; anything you have to throw over someone like a net is usually a mistake,” she says with a wink, and then she has the nerve to curtsy.



Design your dream tea.
*


Hospitality


What unites us, heals us, serves us,
is the hospitality of the program.
Fellowship encircles us and draws us close,
in a word unites us, hospitality is our core.

Hospital is the root of hospitality
and recovery is the route to health,
hospitality is the skeleton of recovery.

Hospitable aid,
the true gift of self is hospitality;
hospitality the master of A.A.

Day 11...

...and another great nights sleep. Feeling a bit odd today though, sorta shaky and and a bit anxious but I'm sure I'll cop; it's just one of those days. It's better than feeling hung-over.

I'm going to go my first meeting in 26yrs tonight at the local Friends Meeting House which is a 5minute bike ride away. I have a little anxiety about it but I know folks will be friendly and I'll just slip right in there......I'm not a shy chap

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 11...

...and another great nights sleep. Feeling a bit odd today though, sorta shaky and and a bit anxious but I'm sure I'll cop; it's just one of those days. It's better than feeling hung-over.

I'm going to go my first meeting in 26yrs tonight at the local Friends Meeting House which is a 5minute bike ride away. I have a little anxiety about it but I know folks will be friendly and I'll just slip right in there......I'm not a shy chap

Hope you have a great meeting! Glad you're sleeping! Is school going well? I bet doing homework sober is going to be a kick!

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Hope you have a great meeting! Glad you're sleeping! Is school going well? I bet doing homework sober is going to be a kick!

Thanks lovely girl. It's weird going back to meetings that are the same venue as ones I used to do back in the day.

School is a different matter; I'm having to play a big catch up game but I have the official dispensation to do so thankfully. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on study but I'm sure that will get easier. It's weird having a little bit of memory function coming back.

I've never actually studied when not smoking and/or drinking before...it will take time to adjust!

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 11

UNIFIED THEORY




When I build the circuit correctly the light comes on. When I heal the shards together the bell rings. If I am meticulous and attentive, if the world is gracious and bares herself to my mind, I will see how everything fits. I know the reflexive nature of things, and the way life folds one thing inside the other. Whale song is a long slow underwater birdcall. Moon rise, sun rise, then the moon again. The universe works without my interference but also without my complete understanding. I am learning how to be a part of this beautiful maze; I long to comprehend it. The weeds are trying to take back the city. If I lay down maybe they will take me back, too. If I keep my eyes open I might see it all unfold. Conception without is my desire within.


Make emotional bouquets for your mind.
*


Recognition

All I have are these two hands
I can not lift the world
All I have are these two legs
I can not flee the hoards

All I have is this one heart
though need and want prevail
All that’s left is this one mind
to try to tell this tale.

Everything in this bright orb
is there for me to see
Everything laid out before me
all that I can be

Everything that I perceive as wrong
and know it in my heart
Everything I think to touch
and change believing it’s my art

Once I take the giant reins
acceptance escapes the scene
Once the fates are in my grasp
chaos is the theme

Once the sight of my right place
is lost from in my mind
Once I try to fill the great big shoes
is the day that I go blind.