Bringing It Up: Describe The Butch You Are

[rande]

Alex, I get you and am the same way.
Thanks for posting.

[rande]

For years I knew no name for my personal gender identity, and actually swung back and forth between stone butch and hetero-femme during a personality crisis....but when it all settled down and sorted out the message was pretty clear. I am a stone butch.

I believe in chivalry, in listening, in loving honestly and completely.

Presently I have no partner, but a few years back I had a 12 year relationship with a woman. I called her my wife.
...sexually I was the giver and liked it that way, she never wanted to touch me beyond kissing and holding. We had some great kissing/hugging marathons.

At first things were great. Fantastic. Or so I thought.

After 12 years she left me to find a "real man," sending me through the fires of emotional hell. We managed to remain friends somehow.
For years I couldn't bring myself to function as a lesbian at all, let alone as a butch or stone butch....I felt neutered. Devoid of self determination. I phased into another persona, a heterosexual girl. I'd done it once before and got pregnant. Sheesh.

So eventually I met a man and formed an interesting bond....and stayed in touch with my former wife.
I watched her go through one crappy relationship after another...abusive men.
I always tried to make sure there was space to take her in should it be needed but she refused.
She died of ovarian cancer three years ago....I saw her the day before she died and whispered "I love you." to her. She was too weak to speak, but her eyes told me she loved me too.

My 20 year relationship with the man is more like two brothers living together than a couple - no sex between us, separate rooms etc.
He is disabled and I am his home health care person. I live my own life, have my own friends and am living as butch full time once more.

I never felt comfortable trying to be a man's wife, or feminine at all for that matter. If it was available to me and if the science was perfected I'd go for the full sexual reassignment surgery including removal of ovaries and all.
If wishes were horses we'd all have a ride.

If it ever gets possible I'd like to have top surgery. Then I'd feel a little more comfortable.

I don't like being touched in/on my genitals....for some it's okay. For me it's just too much. I have yet to find a woman who can melt my stone to that capacity....I'll keep looking.

Sometimes it feels like my stone was hammered and fired repeatedly, tempered 'til it turned to steel.

I stand proud of our herstory/history/hystori....and am always mindful of the personal sacrifices made by those who've gone before us...courageous, beautiful souls all who gave their lives so we could be free.

I am a "long haired" stone butch, preferring to keep my locks long - although usually pulled back in a "biker's tail" or "freak flag." I usually wear blue jeans and t-shirts, clean but not formal... but I do clean up well and like a good three pieced suit with a hat and shiny shoes for steppin' out fancy.

I lead when dancing.

Believe it or not, I go to a "straight" bar in my neighborhood and for the most part am loved and accepted...many even defer to the proper pronouns....him/ze that sort of thing.

What kind of Butch am I?
A work in progress as are we all...defined as stone/sometimes steel, but with a great big heart bursting with love for the right femme.

[FemmeAllae]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

wow, I am loving this thread. A reminder to this femme of why she LOVES butch women!

Same here!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Mr Nice Guy

I'm an old school butch who's sensitive, loving, loyal, kind, too sweet and always there for those in need. I have a big soft center that I hide from the world but share with those I care about. Sometimes I've been known as the mean looking lesbian. That's just my hard ass shell. But if you know me then you know the truth.

You are an amazing person and because you can do soooo much makes you also an amazing butch my friend.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Yes Baby...you are this butch and everything you said in your other 2 posts and so much more!

You're the butch who walked to the car in the pouring rain and returned to the store with an umbrella...
The butch who would never let a door shut in my face...
The butch who tied moss to my car antenna as a reminder of a special day...
The butch who packed up leftovers for me so i wouldn't have to cook dinner for myself Monday night...
The butch who checks fluid levels in my car to make sure everything is ok...
The butch who insists on carrying my overnight bag from and to my car...
The butch who never gave up on the possibility of us...
i'm a very lucky babygrrl...

awwwwww how sweet is that?

[Blaze]

What kind of Butch am I:
Interestingly enough I am the old school type. Raised with the knowledge of the generation that took to the streets and fought for our rights, the right to wear what makes us feel good, the right to walk with a woman in our arms, to open the door, politely wait patiently as they get ready, order the diner plate they want after you discussed it. Puts on their heels and strap them after they put on their stockings. Help to put the necklace and zip up their zipper. The type that remembers to acknowledge how beautiful they look, or secretly fixes a bra strap, or lip stick that is on their teeth. I am the type that will watch her walk proudly across the room. Smiles and doesn't get jealous because no matter how many may crowd around her, she never lets it get to her heart, as she comes strolling back to me. The type that would turn mean if someone threatened her, and I will verbally state that you owe her an apology. I am a Butch that has an odd sense of humor, sometimes more like a kid, a Peter Pan Soul that has an older image that looks back at me in that mirror. I am thoughtful, caring, considerate,and in an instant can be argumentative, combative, and unreasonable. I am a Butch. I am a Proud Soul, and comfortable in my own shoes...

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Blaze

What kind of Butch am I:
Interestingly enough I am the old school type. Raised with the knowledge of the generation that took to the streets and fought for our rights, the right to wear what makes us feel good, the right to walk with a woman in our arms, to open the door, politely wait patiently as they get ready, order the diner plate they want after you discussed it. Puts on their heels and strap them after they put on their stockings. Help to put the necklace and zip up their zipper. The type that remembers to acknowledge how beautiful they look, or secretly fixes a bra strap, or lip stick that is on their teeth. I am the type that will watch her walk proudly across the room. Smiles and doesn't get jealous because no matter how many may crowd around her, she never lets it get to her heart, as she comes strolling back to me. The type that would turn mean if someone threatened her, and I will verbally state that you owe her an apology. I am a Butch that has an odd sense of humor, sometimes more like a kid, a Peter Pan Soul that has an older image that looks back at me in that mirror. I am thoughtful, caring, considerate,and in an instant can be argumentative, combative, and unreasonable. I am a Butch. I am a Proud Soul, and comfortable in my own shoes...

love this...all of this even the country song part....she never lets it go to her heart..baby your not that old...unless your pics are much older than they appear

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by AtLast

I am a butch that is as tired of the stereotypes and generalizations made about butches as I am of transmen and femmes- all of the identities that are a part of this community.

Butch is simply one aspect of who I am. A positive part along with many other things that add up to me.

You make so much good sense, AtLast.

[Ginger]

I see you standing on the subway platform and in line at the grocery store. I saw you get out of a car, then run around to the driver’s side window to kiss your girlfriend goodbye. I see you in the faculty dining room, book propped in front of you while you eat, and going up the escalator, talking to a student.

I know you sometimes don’t like the heightened visibility that comes with being Butch, but there is an upside to that—you are visible to me. It lifts my spirits, to catch sight of you. I notice your belt, your shoes, your shirt, your jacket, the way you step back so some kid can get in front of you on the subway stairs.

I saw you this morning, heading toward an office building near mine. It wasn’t just the suit, the crew cut and sturdy shoes that made my antennae quiver, it was your steady pace—more steady than my own, as I navigated pot holes in heels and it started to drizzle—and I noticed the watchful way you kept an eye on your surroundings.

I loved you the whole ten years I was with N, who was amused by my crushes on Butch women, and didn’t understand what I wanted any better than I did, myself.

I trace my pull toward you to adolescence, when I read a young adult novel about a teenage girl who crushes on a boy, the whole book building toward their first kiss. I read and reread that scene where they’re standing together and she brushes her face against his starched white shirt, reaches her arms around his neck and feels the soft bristle above the back of his collar. I translated that scene as Butch-Femme erotica, though I didn’t know those words.

I was looking for you even then, in the books I read, and the TV shows I watched. When I heard the word “feminist” for the first time, I sensed something dangerous about it, something exciting. I asked my mother what it meant, and she told me to consider its root word, which I knew was “feminine.”

“So it must mean, a lady who’s really feminine,” I said, somehow bothered with the connection.

“Just the opposite,” my mother shot back, stitching my devotion to you even tighter.

I joke about going to a lesbian bar in Los Angeles when the Olympics were held there, but I was serious about finding you and I did, the whole rowing team at one long table, passing a couple pitchers of beer. Thank you for inviting me over, I had a great time and still think your biceps are awesome.

Where was I.

Oh yeah, looking for you. And I feel elated when I find you. And what I love about you, is that you always find me, too.

If I’m in a crowded lesbian bar, like I was a couple weeks ago, and there is one Butch in there, she will keep me in her sites. Sometimes I need a hit of that attention—which is different, by the way, than how I felt last night on the roof of a parking garage, wind whipping my dress against my legs in a way that made me uneasy. “Nice,” leered some guy with a briefcase, and I looked up to see where the voice was coming from and glare at him.

If you had been there, you would have looked, and maybe even leered, but not in a way that would have made that defense mechanism rise in me. I don’t assume you’re some kind of priest or knight in shining armor—I hate some of the stereotypes imposed on you—but I know if it had been you watching me on that roof, in that wind, I would have met your eyes, Ha, caught you, and smiled, and you would have had the sense to laugh at yourself.

I finally let myself look for you in a purposeful way, after my life’s most significant, long-term relationship ended, and my sister died, and I quit my nice job and left New York then came back two years later and everything was different. It was like I had hit the “reset” button my life.

I started with dating websites, and the shy vagueness of my ads got me a few blind dates with nice lipstick lesbians with whom I had great talks over dinner, comparing notes on the whole online dating thing. We admired each other’s shoes (yes, a cliché, but true), and earrings.

Soon after that, I stepped up to the plate and put “Butch” in my ads, front and center.

And then, there you were. It felt daring, a kind of “coming out” for me, and I enjoyed the learning curve.

For one thing, I learned that masculine energy in a woman is expressed in unpredictable ways, and I am still sometimes caught by surprise when a Butch reveals things I forgot could be there: She shaves her legs. She collects little ceramic things. She has more expensive moisturizers than I do. She wants to be taken of, sometimes, and she's tired of being in charge.

Those surprises make me love you even more. I respect how you hold on to the things that make you who are you, no matter who arises to police your action; even people in your own community.

What’s changing though, is our community’s acceptance that Butch women are not all cut from the same cloth. I love you in all your shapes and sizes. I hear loud and clear your struggles with body image, your discomfort in public restrooms where women call security, thinking a man is there. If my new straight friend thinks “Butch” has negative connotations, it’s her ignorance that is the problem, not you or my attraction to you. If someone at work sees you pick me up outside our building in your leather and work boots, assumes you’re my boyfriend then stammers, realizing you aren’t, I’m just happy to help open that person's world a little wider.

My connection with you is a source of joy for me, and people’s stares take nano-status next to my big feelings for you. That time I caught you browsing a bit furtively in Victoria’s Secret (where I’d told you to meet me—what was I thinking!), I was laughing at myself for my lapse in judgment, not you, and I was welling with affection at what a good sport you are.

I want you with me at my nephew’s wedding. I want to sit with you at the most romantic table in the restaurant, and I want you to kiss me goodbye at the airport, because no one’s horrified look, a whole terminal of horrified looks couldn’t matter more than that kiss.

I know you’ve had to negotiate with the world in ways I haven’t, and I am in awe of how you’ve emerged with your authentic self, intact—despite a culture poised to punish you for rejecting its standards, and eager to mock you, if you try to meet them.

Sometimes I think you’ve forgotten, that I need you as much as you need me, whether we are partners, friends or just existing in the same community.

I love what Butch women see in me, and I don’t like living without that validation.

If I am partnered with a woman full of masculine energy but who doesn’t ID as Butch, she must—at the very least—understand that if I want her on my side, it doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself.

She has to be there for me in a way that doesn’t make her "strong" and me "weak," and she must never see as less-than, the things about me that are different from her—in fact, I want her to love those differences.

Those differences are at the heart of why I love Butch women. It varies partner by partner, friend by friend, but it’s your reverence for those points of difference that makes my heart leap and my breath change, and makes me keep an eye out for you, wherever I am.

[Little Fish]

Yes. This.

Thank You.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Little Fish

Yes. This.

Thank You.

My pleasure.

[mariamma]

Thank you IslandScout. You spoke my heart. Not that I've ever been so lucky to have seen a table of crew rowers drinking beer *internal squeel*. Maybe I'll be so lucky one day. For years and years I've been with men and while they were not wimps, I always was the strong one. I'm looking forward to the day when I hug hym and know everything will be all right. Until then I'm enjoying those occasional fleeting moments when I see a butch walk down a street or get into hys truck (are there any butches who never owned a truck or motor bike?).

[Mr Nice Guy]

I'm the kind of Butch that Mothers want their straight daughters to marry. Of course I'm not straight. Lol

[rustedrims]

IslandScout..

Just plain beautiful..
I will always appreciate a pretty lady in a dress..
As i pass her i will always look back..

Mariamma..

Butches always have several trucks and bikes in their
lives..I have had my last truck long enough it now has rustedrims..
You forgot softball..

thank you both for noticing..

s..

[KayCee]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

wow, I am loving this thread. A reminder to this femme of why she LOVES butch women!

This femme too!

[Leigh]

This is definately one of my favorite threads on all of the Planet

[rustedrims]

The job came up for bid that i have been waiting for..I have had a hand full of months to think about it..I knew it was comming..Tomorrow is the day i make my move..[literally]. The thing is that i have to go on day shift for 6 weeks to be trained.. That isnt a problem..I am on midnights now and love it..The guy that will be training me i absolutely cant stand.!!.He feels the same about me..At least we agree on that..How much can you learn from a guy that doesnt like ya..I can deal with all that..Here is the thing..It has been quite a few years ago but he was making comments about the lifestyle i live..I would hear it from a friend what he was saying..Didnt like that and felt uncomfortable..
I need to gather all my Butch strength and go in there and learn that job and deal with him..The up side to all this is he will be retiring the first of the year..Eventually i will work my way back on nights and work with the guy that is my friend and learn from him all i need to know..
My butchness will be put to the test and i will see how much of that will be forced out by that idiot..I am in a better place with my lifestyle that i live and can handle people a little better than in the past..

I need to take a step back and look at the big picture..I get a small pay raise and i will work with my brain but will still have physcial work..A big change as to what i am doing now..I will also be getting away from people i have worked with for 20 years..I just gotta wait it out..Now i will find out what kind of butch i am in the work place knowingly setting myself up to people that do not approve..

Ya know what..??. i will be ok..I need to do this..
s..

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by rustedrims

The job came up for bid that i have been waiting for..I have had a hand full of months to think about it..I knew it was comming..Tomorrow is the day i make my move..[literally]. The thing is that i have to go on day shift for 6 weeks to be trained.. That isnt a problem..I am on midnights now and love it..The guy that will be training me i absolutely cant stand.!!.He feels the same about me..At least we agree on that..How much can you learn from a guy that doesnt like ya..I can deal with all that..Here is the thing..It has been quite a few years ago but he was making comments about the lifestyle i live..I would hear it from a friend what he was saying..Didnt like that and felt uncomfortable..
I need to gather all my Butch strength and go in there and learn that job and deal with him..The up side to all this is he will be retiring the first of the year..Eventually i will work my way back on nights and work with the guy that is my friend and learn from him all i need to know..
My butchness will be put to the test and i will see how much of that will be forced out by that idiot..I am in a better place with my lifestyle that i live and can handle people a little better than in the past..

I need to take a step back and look at the big picture..I get a small pay raise and i will work with my brain but will still have physcial work..A big change as to what i am doing now..I will also be getting away from people i have worked with for 20 years..I just gotta wait it out..Now i will find out what kind of butch i am in the work place knowingly setting myself up to people that do not approve..

Ya know what..??. i will be ok..I need to do this..
s..

Best of luck, Rusted Rims!!! Of course you will be ok. It sounds like you know exactly what you're doing, what the risks are, and most of all, what your strengths are.



Scout

[Mr Nice Guy]

Originally Posted by Sachita

You are an amazing person and because you can do soooo much makes you also an amazing butch my friend.

I just saw this and thank you for your kind words. I'm a humble person so all I can say is, I'm just being me.

[UofMfan]

To describe the Butch that I am I must start with what I am not.

I am not into camping or any other activity where I may not be the most comfortable. I have reached and age and a place in my life where staying in a nice, comfortable and even luxurious hotel is the best option.

I am not into fishing, although I will go if it means spending a nice day out.

I am not into fixing things, finishing to-do lists or any other stereotypical thing attached to the Butch label.

My time is too valuable as are my hands. I used to fix things when I was younger, now I can afford to pay someone to do it and spend my time doing wiser things.

I am not into shooting, guns or any form or kind of violence. In fact, I have never been into any fights, been hit or hit someone.

I am not old-school or new-school.

I am not into pissing contests; I have better things to do.

What I am: a mother, first and foremost, and I don’t have any problems correlating the two, butch-mom.

I am a lover of femmes and all that they bring with them.

I am an intellectual.

I am a thinker.

I am a reader, writer, teacher, and friend.

I am passionate.

I am a pain the ass sometimes.

I am perfectionist, see above.

I am aware of my downfalls, and I do have a few, but will be the first to tell you what they are.

I have been to places and in situations some of you would never even think of.

I can be your best ally or your best adversary.

I have worked very hard on myself and have done a lot of work to get where I am.

I am very comfortable in my own skin. I am who I am; I do not need or seek your approval to be exactly who I am.

Most of all, I am ever changing and my gender ID is fluid. So please, do not box me into your idea of what or who a butch is.