You Knew You Were a Femme When...

[lettertodaddy]

Was it the first time you kissed a girl? Did you come into your femme identity independent of a butch counterpart?

I'll start:

I knew I was a femme when I was babysitting my niece and we were watching some kid's show. Martina Navratilova was on and she was wearing these tiny white tennis shorts. I could NOT stop staring. Every fiber of my being pretty much sat up and said "Oh! So that's what this sex stuff is all about!"

[Library_girl]

Ohhhh Martina.........YUM. Love that Martina.

For me, I first knew I was a femme when I realized that all these butch women really appreciated my femme qualities. I was in college and I'd been out of the closet for about 4-5 years. I was just being myself, really. And I was dating this girl who was very butch. At that time, at least in that part of the country, it was very un-cool and politically incorrect to be femme. You were either butch, soft butch, androgynous, or just the granola type. Well, I was none of those; I was just me!! And I will never forget my butch gf at the time was so enamored, and she'd say "Wow, you're the only lesbian in town who wears a skirt and lipstick!" It was like I was from another planet, but a planet she really liked. Then I just met more and more who liked it, and I started "investigating". I'm such a librarian. I was reading everything I could get my hands on, and immersing myself in the B/F community. Soon after, Leslea Newman put together the book "The Femme Mystique". Somehow I hooked up with her and I'm in the book. (twice!) This was around the same time that "Stone Butch Blues" came out. I got to meet Leslie Feinberg too. (whoa)

Okay so that's a long damn story. Sorry, I got all sentimental. Those were awesome days. So I guess I didn't have to figure out my femme-ness, I just didn't have to keep trying to fit into a non-femme community anymore, and that was such freedom. But yes, the butch counterparts really helped that freedom become possible, and I am forever grateful.

God I love butches.

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by Library_girl

God I love butches.

Amen and hallelujah!

What a great story, Library_girl. Thanks for sharing it!

[*Anya*]

I can really relate to Library Girl. When I came out, everyone was butch or granola (like that description LG).

My 1st GF & I were femme. I loved her dearly but knew something was missing.

I went to visit an old friend I had met in NOW (full of lesbians) & she was very butch. I always felt a pull towards her but not sure why.

I went to visit her one night after the femme & I broke up. We were sitting on her couch in Santa Monica with a joint (but I didn't inhale *wink*) & she said: "come here". I asked why: "Because I want to kiss you, that's why".

My stomach dropped out and I felt "that thing" that enormous attraction that I had never felt before and it just all made sense to me in that very minute. I wasn't attracted to my femme sisters in the same, profound, soul-searing way that I was to butches.

Later, I used to love to tease my butch saying things like: " I think I'll cut my hair, start wearing boots & look butch. What do you think?" she would always have a big laugh and very kindly say: "Baby, you could never look butch if you tried".

I just loved that.

[lettertodaddy]

I can so relate to what you both said, Anya and Library_girl. I came out in the late 80s/early 90s when everyone was androgynous. Even when I ran around in Doc Martens, denim cut-offs and Queer Nation t-shirts, I was too femme for the crowd of university-educated feminist dykes I was running around with. Oddly enough, I wasn't femme enough for the working-class butches and studs I grew up with.

The 90s were a lonely and confusing time for me.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I embraced my gender in my late 20's I was always identifying as a Leather Dyke since that's what fit me, my femininity showed regardless of how I dressed and as I entered my 30's I embraced my Femme as gender simply because it fit. It's who I am, how I am and it makes sense. I stumbled upon other femmes via Leather & the dash site and it was wonderful and amazing to meet, interact and communicate with other Femmes that I could relate to.

In my journey Femme encompasses everything I am even within my own natural masculinity and has yet to be connected to anyone I fuck. I'm Femme regardless if I'm single, fucking, dating, partnered etc. I am Femme period.

[akiza]

oh god since forever i may but i have been in denial yeah ^^ i've tried to act masculine you know walking,talking... rated! i was feeling stupid i love clothes,make up,doing the minimum of sport ^^,checking masculine women yeap the mind can be a pervert lol i don't see myself with a boy,i'm not weak ok i am fighting not for me and talking can't always be effective but a protective,fierce,fun,... butch is perfect for me ^^

[Wiccanfemme]

I have always been a girly girl. I remember trying on my mother's high heels and jewelry from the time I was about five years old. I don't scream if I see a bug and I like being outside enjoying nature but I like to dress femininely so I guess I've always been feminine. The defining moment for me was when I saw the movie If These Walls Could Talk 2 when I was a teen. As soon as I saw that butch walk on screen it all clicked into place for me. I realized that I wasn't just feminine I was a femme who yearned for that female embodiment of masculinity to compliment my femininity. It was a feeling of coming home, and all of it suddenly making sense for me.

[gotoseagrl]

I've always known I was very girlie and feminine. But I didn't know I was truly a femme until, millions of years ago, I had a crush that was so hardcore I couldn't see straight on a butch I worked with at the time.

[gotoseagrl]

I had the same experience with this movie, which I watched I don't know how many times.

Originally Posted by Wiccanfemme

The defining moment for me was when I saw the movie If These Walls Could Talk 2 when I was a teen.

[nina03]

About seven years ago, I got sick. I was on bed rest for two years. After I got off bed rest, I was put on Prednisone for the next two years. I had to give away all my high heels, cause I couldn't walk, let alone walk in them. I had to cut my hair, because I couldn't take care of it. I didn't wear make up, because I mostly didn't leave the house. I was too sick. The Prednisone made me gain a hundred pounds, and literally changed the shape of my face from a side effect called "Moon face."
During that time, I had to figure out what femme meant to me, separate from all those externals, like long hair, pretty clothes, make up, shoes, or even flirting with handsome butches. I had to figure out what made me feel femme and why. What I came up with is that my femme identity is still there, no matter what. It's a core piece of who I am and how I am in the world. It's about my love of beauty, and my need to embody that in myself, even when that beauty is not reflected externally.
So, now I'm off the Prednisone, my face is going back to normal, I've lost some of the weight, and I can wear heels again. My hair is long again, and it's so pretty that Knight takes photos of it sometimes. Butches notice me again, and people flirt. That's all lovely, and I enjoy it, but now I know that without any of that, I'm still femme, and still a power house. It comes from a deeper place now.

[girl_dee]

i love this thread, and being femme..........

[nycfem]

For me, if I'm to be dead honest, it was when I slept with a butch for the first time! I realized the label "femme" was gonna steer me in the right direction .

[Medusa]

.....when you are digging through your purse for keys and find 9 lipsticks, a nail polish, 2 rings, and a little sparkly bauble with "FEMME" on it that you used as a key fob before it broke.

[dark_crystal]

I knew i was a femme when i learned in 1987 that butches exist.

I knew what lesbians were and i knew (and was fascinated by) girls who were tomboys but i was not interested in being a lesbian until i put it together that a lot of the tomboys were lesbians and there was a kind of lesbian you could be where you ONLY dated tomboys

SIGN. ME. UP! (i said)

[Femmewench]

I've never been a girly go. I prefer wash and go hair. Makeup is limited to my eyes and lips. I like dresses/skirts and hate hose so that limits when I can wear these.
When I came out (the second time) to myself, I hurried myself down to the gay bookstore. The first book I picked up was "The Persistent Desire: A Butch Femme Reader." God bless Joan Nestle. I cried, I drooled, I lusted and I knew I was femme and more particularly a butch loving femme.

Just as an aside, I lived in Big Bear, CA for the better part of a year. I moved up there in late fall; I say up there because it's about 8,000 above sea level and cold in the fall and winter. I thought I'd died and gone to my femme heaven. Every woman I saw had short hair, boots, jeans and flannel shirts. It took me about 2 second to realize most of them were practical straight women. ::::

[kittygrrl]

when I first came out I cut my hair short and wore jeans t-shirt and boots...loved it..but it never occurred to me (to doubt) I was a grrl 100%