Passing - Is it a Privilege?

[Nat]

isolation in passing

There is a girl that works in my building. She's young and feminine, and one day I was trying to describe to her that OKGo video with the treadmills and I said the guys seemed really quirky and funny. She said, "do you mean like queer?" I said, "no, I personally would like that, but I don't know their orientations."

That was maybe 6 months ago and we haven't really spoken much since. I live in a small town in Texas, and I'm the only out person at my workplace (of several hundred).

Since then, I just kinda have the feeling she is herself queer. I see her every now and then and there's just a queer energy there - it's hard to say. At the time, I had no idea how to read her question - whether it was homophobic or if she was somehow addressing queerness because she is queer.

Maybe this is more an issue of invisibility than passing privilege, but that makes me wonder if invisibility and passing privilege are really separable for femmes. I do think there are femmes (and queer and lesbian women) who fully intend to pass as straight and then there are those who frustratingly don't register as anything other than straight, but it seems like there's a fine line in there somewhere where passing and invisibility would be difficult to tease out from each other.

I could possibly have made a really cool femme (or feminine queer) friend in this little town, but because we both pass for straight (if she's not straight) , we don't even have the possibility of community.

Thank the gods for the internet because here we really can wear our IDs as loudly as those with other more noticeable gender IDs.

[AtLast]

[quote=Corkey;136148]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

[FONT="Century Gothic"][COLOR="Black"]



I see the bunching of thanks reps accumulating as the wagons circle. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads posts and thinks about them, or just looks at the Thanks box and clicks because they see particular screen names there. I am not going to use that function anymore- just send reps that are private. I feel like we have made a cheerleading (as in immature in-crowd forming mentality from middle and high school- popularity contests) tool out of that site feature used to summon the forces.

Ok I have issue with this part of your statement. Are you implying that because someone thanks a post that isn't yours they are somehow immature, and high school? Really?? And how many time have I thanked your posts ALH? If you don't want to participate, then don't, but to call members immature because they don't agree with you is a bit offensive,and condescending.

Thank you for just asking me for clarification. No, this isn't what I said or implied. It is the process of this Thanks button that I am talking about. It is public and at first I liked it because it was fast and simple. Now, as we go on, I see Thanks piles during controversy and that usually means side-taking. This is my interpretation. Factions do develop on sites like this. Just happens.

That process leads to immature behavior based on who thinks is kewl to me. It is obvious here (and on every other site like this one, that factions develop. It just happens and to me, leads to so much of the bashing we do and inability to actually hear each other (I am amazed at all of the non-related assumptions being made about my posts). Sometimes it's just hard not to get going on this path because there are really serious things happening in our lives and we get sensitive. I get sensitive, too. And I certainly have no expectation of everyone agreeing with me. Not here, that is for certain!

I appreciate Thanks from members very much, but have to say that when they take the time to add a statement or two with a rep message, it feels more personal. My reverting to the traditional rep type does not mean I won't be letting people know I appreciate what they posted.
I said that [B][I]instead of using this feature from now on, I am just going to send a private rep message which is not the same as leaving a public THANKS - different process. I don't remember the Thanks button on the old site.... maybe it was there, possibly added now, I haven't been there in a long time. People that were not part of that site will have no idea what I am talking about.

I feel like this is a huge derail going on, so, if you have something to say to me, just PM me. I am not going to continue to post here and certainly not going to continue to be part of taking the thread off course. I am not going to check back to see any responses to this post. Let people get back to the topic.

[Corkey]

Oh for fuck sakes. We were back on track. Passing..... the topic.

[Sun]

Good topic and one that I will think about and come back to.

"Passing" transferred into "Invisibility" is something that I have been thinking about lately. The most profound example of that is how I experience people assuming that my girl is straight. We both embrace our "queerness" and resist major boxes. There must be a way for the invisibility to soften, even in more conservative areas.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Sun

Good topic and one that I will think about and come back to.

"Passing" transferred into "Invisibility" is something that I have been thinking about lately. The most profound example of that is how I experience people assuming that my girl is straight. We both embrace our "queerness" and resist major boxes. There must be a way for the invisibility to soften, even in more conservative areas.

SUN! Buddy its good to see you here.

[T D]

Snip

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I don't get this Butches V Transguys thing. I find it very distressing.

Amen, neither do I. I just don't get it!!! In fact I had no idea there was even any issues surrounding this until Butch Voices came along.

[Heart]

Every time I see the title of this thread -- it bothers me. Because I don't think passing is ever a privilege. Having white skin, for example, is a privilege, but passing as if you have white skin...? Passing may, or may not, be a choice, but whether it's a choice or not, there is danger inherent in passing. In the eyes of the dominant culture if you pass, you are stealing privilege, not being granted privilege. You are therefore a thief, an interloper, a fraud, you are messing with the power paradigm, and you can pay a heavy price for that.

What's interesting is that there is the reality of being granted privilege if you are NOT passing, but are somehow more closely aligned with the dominant culture anyway. For example, being a light-skinned person-of-color is not passing, but can result in benefits based upon the over-valuing of light skin (colorism). But it's not passing that creates privilege. Passing defies the very definition of privilege. Passing may be a form of resistance or survival, but its not, IMO, a privilege.
Heart

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Heart

Every time I see the title of this thread -- it bothers me. Because I don't think passing is ever a privilege. Having white skin, for example, is a privilege, but passing as if you have white skin...? Passing may, or may not, be a choice, but whether it's a choice or not, there is danger inherent in passing. In the eyes of the dominant culture if you pass, you are stealing privilege, not being granted privilege. You are therefore a thief, an interloper, a fraud, you are messing with the power paradigm, and you can pay a heavy price for that.
What's interesting is that there is the reality of being granted privilege if you are NOT passing, but are somehow more closely aligned with the dominant culture anyway. For example, being a light-skinned person-of-color is not passing, but can result in benefits based upon the over-valuing of light skin (colorism). But it's not passing that creates privilege. Passing defies the very definition of privilege. Passing may be a form of resistance or survival, but its not, IMO, a privilege.
Heart

It feels like privilege has become a catch-all term (even hackneyed)on this and other sites. Even a buzz term for [I]I'm politically correct[/I].. look at me.... Honest, self-examination of one's privilege to me, is just ending up as a mean's to be viewed as PC without the very painful work that really does need to be done.

What you bring to light (in red, above) here is so central to this entire analysis and the lack of understanding that privilege has many distinctions in various modalities and populations. It is also not the singular domain of US society. It is not stagnate concept that, it has fluidity in its myriad forms.

I think that what id important for me is to realize that I will always have to study privilege and never accept that it will disappear in any form in my lifetime. And that to view it from a singular stance will not serve me well.

When terms become nothing more than slogans, I know it is time to be more vigilant.

[iamkeri1]

[SIZE="3"]When I was femme in lesbian/gay society, I did not feel privileged for passing (as a straight woman). I felt both invisible and estranged, as the community I was involved with was very andro. I was femme with the additional negative (in their eyes) of being attracted to butch women (mmm-mmm-mmm.) This led to frequent taunting and dismissal of my reality as a lesbian acivist.

I was at all times aware, however, that I had the privlege of revealing or not revealing my orientation when in a work or straight social situation. I was aware that I could choose safety if I felt I needed to, or that I could choose to avoid confrontation if was having a weak moment.

This was a privilege my butch friends and partners did not have. On the other hand, they did not have to deal with invisibility because people ASSUMED they were gay.

When my darling revealed his trans status to me, (I had known him for nine years at that time, and been in a relationship with him for two years.), I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. We had just moved to Cali (Long Beach) and found ourselves welcomed into a gay community which included many b-f people. I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life. I sobbed like a crazy woman when he told me.

I knew right from the first, however, that I would not leave him. I was his, he was mine, there was no separating us. As he eventually transitioned, I was surprised and shocked to see the difference in the way we were treated by the general public. We had never been mistreated in our preceeding orientation, but when seen as husband and wife we were welcomed into "the club".... the "normie" club. We were astonished at the difference ... and dismayed that this treatment was not given to people that had been identified as queerfolk.

1. A short list of privileges
   • Joint tax returns (actually we always filed joint, but as husband and wife were less likely to face hassles)
   • Shared work benefits - health insurance, life insurance, funeral leave for your partners relatives.
   • Able to apply for and be issued a marriage license (whether or not the state would have recognised the marriage were our status revealed
   • Able to adopt kids with both names on the birth certificate
   • Collect social security widows benefit
   • Hospital visitation with no hassle
   • Endless "family" memberships[/SIZE]

ALL of these privileges should be "normal" for everyone.
Smooches,
Keri

[Dylan]

Whether I was given five dollars, or I 'stole' five dollars...I still have five dollars.

Whether the privilege is given or 'stolen', it's still granted. And if there weren't privilege in passing, people wouldn't stay in the closet nor would they 'pass'. It's because they don't want the discrimination (if we're talking 'staying in the closet').

And plenty of 'passing' people use the privilege they have been granted to oppress others in their same oppressed group. Some would even say that just staying in the closet oppresses others.

So, whether it's given freely or 'stolen', One still has the privilege. And it's 'given' in the first place, because One didn't bother to say anything about it/One didn't correct the assumption.


Dylan

[Nat]

I found this an interesting read

Being able to pass is a privilege. Passing privilege means that others don’t grab my body or assistive devices, people I’ve never met don’t look at me with pity or disgust and I am less likely to face intrusive and upsetting questions. Those are amazing privileges that many of my fellows in the disability community don’t share with me. Passing privilege means that I am not watched suspiciously in stores, negative comments are not made about my features, white people feel comfortable to interact with me and strangers do not expect me to act as an example of what all people of my background are like. Those are incredible privileges that many of my background do not share.

First up, we must address the nature of passing. Sometimes it is active (one chooses to pass) and sometimes passive (one is passed). Sometimes it’s an interaction of expectation and experience, habit and circumstance. One cannot untangle one’s own efforts to pass or to not from the point of the idea of passing. That is, whether one passes or not is dependant on the outside observer. The whole idea of passing hinges not on what the (non)passer does, but on the observer’s response to that person. There’s an extent to which one can control it – and people have developed quite some techniques – but it’s not always a matter of choice as to whether to pass or not.

There’s a friction between passing and solidarity with one’s group. Those who can pass as being a member of a dominant group may miss out on many experiences and forms of discrimination that are held to be facets of that group’s commonalities. One of the main problems with passing is that in doing so an inequitable system is being held up (by those who pass others, by those choosing to pass). This is to say that passing supports the idea that equality, better treatment, is gained by melting into the dominant group. This is of course true, as is evident in, for instance, shifting definitions of whiteness; but one shouldn’t have to lose their own identity to the “good,” dominant identity in order to be dealt with well. We should work not until identities disappear but until they’re all okay to have.

That burden should be placed on those making the assumptions of – enforcing – default identities, not on the passers. Passers frequently report hostility from within their own groups, and accusations of not really being a member of their community from all sides. No one is less a member of the group for other people’s perceptions and it’s incredibly offensive to suggest otherwise. Passing is not always a choice; when it is, it’s presumptuous to resent someone for that and just outright wrong where safety is involved. How one deals with one’s own experiences of oppression is one’s own concern.

Being able to pass really messes with my head. I’ve frequent bouts of intense guilt about it, and I feel sick when people in my communities admire me for the features that make me more likely to pass (‘look at her beautiful skin.’ Increasingly I need to get the nearest bathroom and scrub and scrub where they grab my arm). Sometimes I don’t feel quite real or as though I’m cheating, an intruder in someone else’s identity. With regard to being disabled, this has some nasty consequences: in the past I’ve not gotten needs met, either because I can’t bear to out myself or because someone doesn’t quite think I’m truthful. Passing doesn’t mean I’m not struggling to remain standing while we’re talking. I struggle with passing and being passed. Sometimes I try and do it to feel safer (never safe) and lose my integrity. Sometimes I am passed, and it’s a mix of delight and loss and damage. Whatever I do, it’s never enough, I’m never enough.

Now I just mostly let people think what they will. The glowing effects largely disappear once I give off too many cues. Because so much of my identity, experience and expression is tied up with those of my identities that are invisible, the effects are frequently fleeting.

Being invisible doesn’t mean I face no discrimination but that I face less individualised discrimination in many contexts. Looking like I do has not prevented, upon the acknowledgement of my identity, looks of disgust, offensive remarks about my family, having to listen to racial hatred. It has not prevented the fear in me, the way I have not felt safe since I was a little girl. It has not prevented that I modify my dress, my speech, my movements, my stories in order to appear as “normal” as possible, just like anyone else trying to not face the wrath of whiteness. Attempting to invisibilise difference is hardly restricted to those of us who can pass.

The thing is, I’ve done everything. I’ve been loud and proud about my invisible identities. I’ve done my best to make them disappear. I’ve allowed myself to be passed, I’ve actively worked to pass. I’ve just been myself, I’ve made my identities explicit. At the end of all this anxiety and modification and thought and care, one thing remains constant: it’s the perceptions and actions of people in dominant bodies that count. When I pass, there’s still the weight of many manifestations of oppression on my shoulders. And irrespective of whether I pass or not, people outside of my groups still get to determine how I am treated and how I am perceived. There is no way to win.

[Mrs. Strutt]

I had the opportunity to think about this more over the past week after I commented on the other thread about having negative thoughts about privilege in light of my background.

My daughter and I drove to Gainesville, FL from the Tampa Bay area last Wednesday for my dad's surgery. When you live in a major metropolitan area in Florida, where life is associated with vacations, white sand beaches and the world's most famous mouse, it is easy to forget sometimes that Florida is in the South. The deep, deep South...a place where "different" is scarcely tolerated in certain areas.

As I entered more rural areas on my way to north Florida, the billboards and advertisements for Disney and waterfront living faded away to be replaced with common highway sights that can be found on any major interstate below the Mason-Dixon line: signs announcing ammunition for sale, Baptist/Pentacostal church advertisements exhorting passers-by to "Choose Life!", and "We Bare All!" billboards for truck stops featuring blondes that were more likely to be found in Beverly Hills, CA than in Beverly Hills, FL.

When I stopped for gas and some cold drinks, it occurred to me that Katie and I were attracting little notice: a woman and her child passing through, fellow travelers perhaps idly wondering as to the whereabouts of the husband that belonged to the rings on my left hand.

Had Mr. Strutt been with us, however, there would have been more than idle speculation. On our annual travels back to hys hometown in North Carolina, we have grown accustomed to looks and occasional raised eyebrows as those around us try to "figure it out." We have never felt threatened in any way, but the attitude is palpable and we have always taken precautions in the event that idle speculation ever becomes active threat.

So was the fact I "passed" as a straight woman a privilege in terms of "safety" for me and my child? Yes, it was. It also reminded me I can turn my "passing" on and off at will, for the reasons and situations I choose, while Mr. Strutt cannot.

Perhaps part of why I am uncomfortable with my "femme privilege" is because I do have that choice.

[mirandabrave]

Thanks for an terrific post. I agree in part (leaders of our movement do sacrifice the rights of trans people in a misguided, pragmatic and even self-hating attempt to lay a foundation for political success) and disagree (the political is personal: as a femme lesbian, I don't enjoy a privilege to pass - rather, I can elect to endure any uneasy detente the price of which is self immolation. I suppose a trans person could simply suffer living the life of the opposite gender, the one the world assigned at birth. So could we femme lesbians do that too. Is that life privledge? And if it is all about a private act in the bedroom, what does it mean when we take our lover's hand in the street because we love her? No, I would refine the argument: Attractive (not fat) apparently-gender confirming queer people are less threatening to the established order. We can choose in those moments of tacit acceptance to champion our trans brothers and sisters or we can leave them behind. Of course, when any of us is left behind, so are we all.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Mrs. Strutt,

Your post was fabulous.

[Heart]

Originally Posted by Dylan

So, whether it's given freely or 'stolen', One still has the privilege. And it's 'given' in the first place, because One didn't bother to say anything about it/One didn't correct the assumption.


Dylan

There are points well taken on both sides, however I disagree with the above part of your post. It is not the job of the person granted passing privilege to constantly correct assumptions based upon other people's biases.

And I still contend that while passing may be a tool, a strategy, a device, it does not meet the definition of privilege because at any moment it can be removed from you by others. In fact those that are passing face specific risks related to discovery. Think Brandon Teena.

Heart

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by Heart

There are points well taken on both sides, however I disagree with the above part of your post. It is not the job of the person granted passing privilege to constantly correct assumptions based upon other people's biases.

And I still contend that while passing may be a tool, a strategy, a device, it does not meet the definition of privilege because at any moment it can be removed from you by others. In fact those that are passing face specific risks related to discovery. Think Brandon Teena.

Heart

I think if One is unhappy with the assumptions, then it IS One's job to constantly correct. I don't think One can be too upset that people around One think One is X if One doesn't take the initiative to correct those assumptions. If I'm read as female, I can internally be upset that I am not being read as male, but it's my job to correct those assumptions in some way. Yeah, it's tiring, but expecting Others to just 'know' something is placing the burden/blame on Others. I mean, I can question, "What am I doing that's making me 'look female'?", but most people are going to assume that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, etc. There are ways to out Oneself if One chooses to do it...but many people don't choose to do it, because of the fact that they don't want to face the discrimination.

No, I agree with you...I don't think passing in and of itself is a privilege (until it is used privilegedly). I mean, being white is not a privilege until One steps outside of their house and is granted that privilege. Privilege like gender is determined by Others. However, One is still being granted the privilege and is still using the privilege of the dominant group. When I'm granted male privilege, it's usually cis-male privilege (trans-male privilege looks a little bit different). I'm still given the privilege, and yeah, it's a tightrope walk, and it can be taken away...but I still have the privilege. I totally get what you're saying. But I've still been granted that privilege.

I think if One chooses to 'pass' (i.e. stay in the closet), then the burden IS on One. I'm specifically talking about people who (for instance), change up pronouns when in conversations with co-workers/friends/family/whomever to 'appear' straight. Or, people who have smoke screen marriages to keep the illusion of Straightdom. I think if One knowingly chooses to pass in order to maintain the privilege, One can't really bitch later when One isn't read as a member of the oppressed group. I DO totally think there's something in experiencing that discrimination and living that discrimination that sets up the social cues of the oppressed group. There are just different social cues for (using the example of) straight people and queers. If One has spent their time 'polishing' their social cues to be read as straight, those polished social cues are not going to 'cut the mustard' when One enters a queer space, and One is going to be read as 'straight', because all of the social cues they're giving off are going to be read as such. This happens with some trans people also...no matter what they do, they're just read as their assigned gender (or they're read as queer). I think this happens with ANY person who (intentionally) 'passes' regardless what oppressed group they belong to. I think the nuances are (sometimes) incredibly subtle, but they're definitely there. I also think these nuances and the privilege granted causes a lot of the biphobia we see so much of, because (it's assumed) bi people get a lot of straight privilege, and they haven't lived the 'queer experience'...they're not treated with the same discrimination as out gays/lesbians, because 'they have one foot in Straightdom' (again, assumptions).

I think a lot of (what is tagged) homophobia is also cisnormative privilege, because a very masculine/butch (speaking in societal definitions of what is masculine/feminine) gay man is going to be treated a lot differently than a big flaming queen. A very feminine lesbian is going to be treated a lot differently than a very butch lesbian...even if the butch man/feminine lesbian come out of the closet. And you can see how the difference in treatment runs down from very feminine lesbians through andro lesbians and down to butch lesbians...you can see the same gamut run through butch gay men through andro gay men and down to the treatment of effeminate gay men. The more one 'conforms' (not quite the word I want) to what society says is appropriate, the more privilege One is granted ('assimilation' is rewarded...even if One is not necessarily 'trying' to assimilate, it is read as assimilation, and it's still rewarded).

I rambled all over the place, but basically, I think if One chooses to stay in the closet, One can't bitch later, because they weren't read This Way. One can't have One's cake and eat it too. One can't live in the closet when it's convenient (i.e. adhere to social cues of Straightdom), and then complain when in the company of the Oppressed group that they're being read as straight. I mean, if One is utilizing the tools of the oppressor (i.e. the social cues of the dominant group), it's not the burden of the oppressed group to 'just know' One is actually part of the group.


Dylan

[Heart]

Actually, I think there are differences between passing privilege related to race and that related to gender and mixing it all up together could cause confusion.

My ex partner was African American and could pass for white. Had she corrected people's assumptions, that is pretty much all she would have done all day, every day. Passing for white resulted in being constantly subjected to the kind of casual racism that most people would not have enacted in front of her if they knew she was a person-of-color.

So, the issue really wasn't so much correcting someone's innocent assumption that she was white (which she did with regularity), as much as it was having to confront people's unexamined and often subtle forms of racism constantly. I don't think you, Dylan, would say that it is the job of a person of color to have to constantly, daily educate white folks about their racism -- but that's basically what you are suggesting my ex, who had "passing privilege," should do. Maybe the problem isn't the assumption so much as it is the "ism" that invariably follows the assumption. That's the thing that makes passing not a real privilege in my book.

Heart

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by Heart

Actually, I think there are differences between passing privilege related to race and that related to gender and mixing it all up together could cause confusion.

My ex partner was African American and could pass for white. Had she corrected people's assumptions, that is pretty much all she would have done all day, every day. Passing for white resulted in being constantly subjected to the kind of casual racism that most people would not have enacted in front of her if they knew she was a person-of-color.

So, the issue really wasn't so much correcting someone's innocent assumption that she was white (which she did with regularity), as much as it was having to confront people's unexamined and often subtle forms of racism constantly. I don't think you, Dylan, would say that it is the job of a person of color to have to constantly, daily educate white folks about their racism -- but that's basically what you are suggesting my ex, who had "passing privilege," should do. Maybe the problem isn't the assumption so much as it is the "ism" that invariably follows the assumption. That's the thing that makes passing not a real privilege in my book.

Heart

I hear a lot more 'gay' jokes now that I am assumed straight. If I don't want to hear the comments, it's my job to stand up and say something...I would expect an ally would do the same. No, it's not my job to educate people on queer issues, but it IS MY responsibility to put MY boundaries in place in what kind of comments I want to hear. I don't even have to out myself to do that. I don't have to out myself as trans to tell someone off-color comments are not acceptable. I mean, even when I 'looked' queer, I still heard comments every day...they just weren't presented in the same manner. Off color comments aren't really appropriate for any situation, are they? I think a privileged jackass is a privileged jackass. Is it the ism or the privilege that follows the assumption? Six of one/half dozen, probably, eh?

It may very well be quite different for POC, people with disabilities, or any other group to which I don't belong...I don't know as I don't belong to those groups.

However, if I don't want people to assume I'm cis, or if I don't want people to assume I'm straight, it's MY responsibility to deal with outing myself. It's also MY responsibility (when in trans or queer space) to let people know my status (if I want them to know). Blaming other people for NOT recognizing me is...well...kind of weak and lazy...especially if I'm giving off social cues that others may not recognize (i.e. getting upset because straight people can't read queer cues, or utilizing cis cues around trans people). I mean, straight people (who aren't culturally queer) don't know 'queer code'. They're going to look for obvious things like 'swishy' walking or 'limp wristed' behaviors (obvious 'stereotypical' behaviors). Straight people are not going to pick up on subtle cues (sometimes even not so subtle...I'm surprised how many straight people have rainbow flags, because they just love rainbows, and they have no idea it's actually a queer moniker) queers would pick up on. They're just not. If straight people don't speak MY language, and I want them to understand me, it's MY responsibility to put it in words they can understand. Whatever happens after that is on them. I'm not responsible for their (re)actions, but I can't very well complain if they don't 'see me' as queer or trans.

If I walk around all of the time saying 'straight/cis' things and acting 'straight/cis', I can't very well get upset if people then assume I'm straight/cis, right? I mean, that's just kind of a double bind. "I'm going to act straight and cis, and then when you make the assumption that I'm straight and cis, I'm going to blame you for making that assumption." "If I speak a code you don't understand, and then you don't understand me, I'm going to blame you for not understanding me." I mean, really?

And again, if someone is very invested in passing (again, living in the closet...and being conscious of passing...i.e. changing pronouns of partners, so as not to blow One's 'cover'...in other words, speaking the language/code of straight people), it's NOT the responsibility of Others to 'know' when One wants to be recognized. I think expecting people to know when One 'wants' to be recognized is a little...mmmmm...what's the word I want?...obnoxious?...arrogant?...double-bindy?...weak?...lazy?...I don't know the word I want.

I 'pass' (as straight) in limited interaction type environments. If I have to spend too much time with someone new, weirdness happens. And that weirdness happens, because I don't 'talk straight'. I talk in a language/code most straight people can't understand. But, I get the cis privilege, because cis people just don't think about trans people...at all. I just confuse people, because they can't say I'm 'gay', because I'm with Mahhh Woman (or they've met her, or I've brought her up in conversation). It just absolutely never dawns on them that I'm trans. They stare at me trying to figure out what the fuck, but it just never dawns on them. I would have to actually TELL them. Even if I fuck up and say something like, "My mother would have rather I got pregnant at 16..." (which just happened the other day), it just never dawns on them that I'm trans. They just look at me like I'm from another planet and say, "How would that happen?" They don't speak the code trans (or even queer) people would pick up on. If I want them to know, I have to tell them in THEIR language (as opposed to trans code). That's not educating (altho, it could very well lead to educating)...it's telling people "how that would happen". I can't very well get pissed off at cis people for 'not seeing me' as trans. I mean, yeah, I can get ticked that I constantly have to tell people, or that I have to out myself constantly, or that I have to explain something, but to get upset AT cis people or straight people, because I (me,me,me) don't want to open my own mouth? That's putting an awful lot of (my own) responsibility on other people, and expecting them to do a lot of work for some random acquaintance/client/co-worker/stranger/someone not really that attached to me.

If I just expected those people to 'just know', it's kind of self-centered, no? I mean, expecting people to 'just know' when I haven't given them any clue? Isn't that kind of like expecting people to 'just know' my toe hurts if I'm not limping or walking 'out of the norm' or saying 'ow'? And then, when I've acted like nothing happened, I'm then 'allowed' to be mad at them for not recognizing my hurting toe? That's ridiculous.

And if I'm in trans or queer space, it's also my responsibility to conform to trans/queer code if I want people to 'recognize' me. I mean, let's say, I walk into a gay/lesbian bar. I'm going to be immediately seen as suspect if I don't say something. If I don't follow the social cues like I speak the language, I'm going to be seen as a threatening interloper. How are queers supposed to 'just know' I'm queer unless I say something to them? And why is it THEIR fault if they can't 'read me'? Why is it someone else's responsibility to 'get me' and not my own responsibility to 'let them know'? I mean, is it a lesbian's job to 'just know' if I walk into a lesbian bar, and I don't give off the right set of social cues? If I lived somewhere where there were trans bars, it would also be my responsibility to speak the code for the patrons of that establishment. I mean, if I act like an ogling/scared/frustrated straight cis man, I can't very well get pissed off if people assume I'm an ogling or scared or frustrated straight cis man. Straight people are threatening in queer space. If I'm read as straight, I'm going to be seen as threatening, and people are probably going to keep their distance from me until I give off some sort of social cue. Same as if I walk too closely behind a woman on the street at night. Straight cis men are considered threatening to women. If I walk too closely behind a woman, I'm going to be seen as a threat. Who's responsibility is it to 'just know'? Is the responsibility on that woman, or is it on me?

Now, I'm not saying, I think it's right that straight people are seen as a threat to queers, but it's just the way it is because of history. And if I act straight and cis/give off the social cues of straight cis people, I'm going to be treated as such.


Dylan

[Heart]

Great post Dylan - though what we were talking about originally wasn't whose responsibility it is to deal with bias -- it was whether or not passing is a privilege. In fact, this discussion of responsibility is one of the ways in which passing is distinctly not a privilege, since true privilege requires no explanations or disclaimers.

Passing is a reality that exists due to the power pardigmn. It may be a choice someone makes as a strategy for survival, a by-product of their presentation, or something they actively try to confront. It may grant temporary comfort and ease or it may get someone killed. But what passing is not, in my book, is a privilege. Privilege doesn't put you at risk for bashing, lynching, or rape. I get that passing can feel like a privilege in comparison to the direct harassment that a person without the ability to pass might face, but feeling like a privilege is not the same as actual privilege. I think the difference is relevant.

Heart

ETA: In fact, for it to make sense to me, I need to uncouple the words "passing," and "privilege." We are not granted "passing privilege." Yes, my ex was sometimes granted white-skin privilege, (until she wasn't), I am sometimes granted straight privilege (until I'm not), a butch might be granted male privilege (until s/he isn't). It is a privilege to be white, straight, or male. It is not a privilige to pass as those things.

[Dylan]

Heart,

I think anyone who has privilege and claims to be aware of it has a responsibility to use that privilege in a way which doesn't oppress or threaten others.

If One consciously chooses to use that (passing) privilege as a weapon, they are no better than any other oppressor.

Passing for anything isn't a privilege on it's own (we've already agreed on that), but soaking up the privilege and then putting the blame on another group (i.e. because they don't 'recognize') is offensive...and I would even argue privileged in itself.


Dylan