Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Guy]

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Guy

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes

Those are my favorite kind! Ask Ebon; I specifically look for them when we get produce.

[Guy]

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?

Originally Posted by Gemme

Those are my favorite kind! Ask Ebon; I specifically look for them when we get produce.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Guy

Hi Gemme

So your saying Big Ass Tomatoes are a specific kind of tomato?

No, it's not a specific brand. I was being facetious. I just always say that I'm looking for some big ass tomatoes.

*grin*

Why get the little ones when big ones are available?

[Guy]

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

[JustJo]

Used to love eating at Dinosaur BBQ in Syracuse when we lived there....but it was always a little tricky at business lunches when what I really wanted to order was the "Big Ass Pork Plate."

Image hell....it was worth the momentary look that followed from co-workers.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Guy

LOL ok, just clarifying, since everything is bigger in Texas, that maybe you had some kind of funky new tomatoes.

[Guy]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them… grabs some sliced limes and eats them… then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? No, what? says the guy. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole! says the bartender. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate. He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did? What this time? asks the patron. Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.

[Guy]

So theres a guy drowning in water, and a boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so then he's still drowning, and another boat comes by and says do u need help, and the guy says no thank you, God will help me

so the man dies

goes to heaven

and asks God, why didn't u help me

and God says....

i sent TWO big boats u dummy

[Stud_puppy1991]

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. I love that joke.

[Janstevie]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)






If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)






A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)






Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)






The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)






Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)






The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmmm.......)






Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)










A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)






Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)






Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)























=

[Guy]

Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing

[Fancy]

[Janstevie]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[Tcountry]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Guy]

Yeah, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windshield, It said parking fine

that was nice of them

[Janstevie]

I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.

[Janstevie]

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[Guy]

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

[tapu]

When diet and exercise fail...?

Diet and exercise don't fail! Ask your doctor if getting up off your ass is right for you!