Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[tapu]

* Knock, knock.

> Who's there?

* Control freak! OK now you say 'control freak who'!

[hpychick]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...

"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

[tapu]

Descartes was having dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter came up and asked, "Will you have dessert?"

Descartes said, "Oh, I think not." And poof! He disappeared!

[Linus]

From a friend of mine..

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

[tapu]

How do hipsters say Hi?
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You don't already know?

[dixie]

Originally Posted by tapu

How do hipsters say Hi?
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You don't already know?

[Janstevie]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. . . yes, I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

[WolfyOne]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40:
Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Janstevie]

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at two in the morning

[jelli]

A husband reads a book: "You are the man of your house" So he
storms to his wife and announced - "From now on you need to know I'm the man of the house. My word is LAW. You WILL cook & clean for me.You WILL go upstairs & give me the kind of sex I want. After, you WILL draw me a bath, wash my back & massage my feet. Oh, & guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair in the morning?.. . The wife replied "A friggen funeral director would be my 1st guess!!"

[asphaltcowboi]

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Janstevie]

Do you know someone who is alive today simply because you can't afford a hitman?

[WolfyOne]

Donald Duck's on a dirty weekend, calls reception & asks for condoms.
Receptionist says shall I put them on your bill?
"Don't be thuckin thupid I'd thuffocate!"

[Guy]

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy)

[Guy]

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if the seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough.

[deb_U_taunt]

A teacher gave her kids lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by the colors - red/cherry, yellow/lemon, green/lime, orange.. Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God, they're assholes!" The teacher had to leave the room.

[JoSchmooze]

Watching The Closer last night and seeing Capt Rader
fire off her bean bag shotgun at a suspect.....
And then complaining that even though she got the guy
right between the eyes, saying it was a lucky shot...
"the recoil on these things are atrocious"!!

I almost fell outta my recliner I was laughing so hard!

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by JoSchmooze

Watching The Closer last night and seeing Capt Rader
fire off her bean bag shotgun at a suspect.....
And then complaining that even though she got the guy
right between the eyes, saying it was a lucky shot...
"the recoil on these things are atrocious"!!

I almost fell outta my recliner I was laughing so hard!

OMG...me too! And the deadpan way she delivered that line too!

[bigbutchmistie]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either

[Janstevie]

Is a balanced diet a cake in each hand?