Relating To Your Parent(s)

Cuddles · 02-21-2012, 07:50 PM

I am tired and worn out but I feel like sharing so I'm gonna post, then go to bed.

I went for a regular walk with my dear mother(62) tonight and I brought up some sensitive topics for the first time in a very long time with her. My nerves are totally wracked because I felt so very vulnerable. I've managed to form an extremely close bond with my mother and she's become my best friend in the whole world, but for years I would avoid certain topics because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Kind of silly on my part and she let me know as much. I came out to her when I was 18 and was fortunate to have no backlash but over the years I wouldn't share things with her and we eventually settled into a don't ask-don't tell relationship. Her not asking because she thought I wanted privacy and me not telling because I wanted her to not be uncomfortable.

Thankfully I feel so much better now, except I can't help the nerve-shot feeling in me right now.

I'm curious though.... has anyone else had or having this kind of relationship with a parent? Where you're close and share with them or where you're close but don't? I know it's all relative to the relationship but maybe I just need to keep the lines of communication open for it to begin to feel 100% normal because as of right now it still doesn't completely?

Mr Nice Guy · 02-21-2012, 07:57 PM

I've never had a relationship with my mom. That's why I took her in, I thought she might want that with me but nope. It's been hell, but I know she will get her housing and move. I wish and have always wished for a mom who cares.

SugarFemme · 02-21-2012, 08:18 PM

My mother and I are VERY close. We have always been there for each other. There is only one area that is taboo between us. You guessed it. My being queer. She has a very hard time with it. Pretends it does not exist, so it does not in her mind. It is very frustrating for me. It is a huge part of who I am that I cannot share with her. Honestly, I don't like it. But I get so much other good stuff from her I am willing to tolerate it.

Sassy · 02-21-2012, 08:22 PM

I was raised by a pair of open-minded hippies. I am loved. I am accepted. And I'm so aware of just how blessed I am for it.

Okiebug61 · 02-22-2012, 07:50 AM

I think one of the hardest things for a child to understand is that just because someone carried you for 9 months and brought you into this world doesn't mean they ever bonded with you or themselves.

My mom and I talk but it's like we are neighbors needing to borrow a cup of sugar. I use to think I was close to her, but then after 42 years of marriage she divorced my dad and she became this person I can't recognize anymore.

She's happy and I am happy for her. I never really felt any grave pain with her changing so much, but all the what if's came up.

I decided to settle my mind and heart on the matter and moved on.

Cuddles · 02-22-2012, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneOfAKind

My mother and I are VERY close. We have always been there for each other. There is only one area that is taboo between us. You guessed it. My being queer. She has a very hard time with it. Pretends it does not exist, so it does not in her mind. It is very frustrating for me. It is a huge part of who I am that I cannot share with her. Honestly, I don't like it. But I get so much other good stuff from her I am willing to tolerate it.

Wow... that is pretty close to what I've had with my mom. She just never spoke of it b/c she thought I was a very private person. I'm hoping to change all that over time. Thanks for sharing! =)

*Anya* · 02-22-2012, 08:14 AM

I was raised by two cold, withholding, rejecting and abusive parents. My mother told me once how my father sobbed when I was born because I was a girl and not the son he had hoped for. Not a good omen for sure.

My coming out lesbian was the icing on the cake. Neither spoke to me for 15 years after I told them.

My life was actually easier during those years- no expectations, no criticism. I reconnected with them as they were aging and my brothers had moved away. I was still trying to be the good daughter I guess-even though it was the unachievable.

They do not ask question one about me or my life. It is all about them. I listen, ask them about themselves and they talk on, oblivious.

It is what it is. They are who they are.

Glenn · 02-22-2012, 09:44 AM

My parents Had butch-femme friends/couples as close friends for years (since the fifties) They were very supportive and communicative. There were never any problems or disruptions in relating/interacting with them.

dark_crystal · 02-22-2012, 10:03 AM

i see my parents a couple of times a month. We talk about my nephew, their church, my job, etc.

i have been out to them for 22 years- it was horrible at first but now they are accepting and often very sweet to my partner-- but it is uncomfortable for all of us to discuss it

genghisfawn · 02-22-2012, 10:48 AM

Hi Cuddles,

It seems to me that it's perfectly all right to be friendly with one's parents but still not share everything. If I think about my confidantes, my mother is one, but I don't tell her everything; my best friend is another, but I don't tell her everything; and my other close friend is another, but again, I don't tell her everything! All of these people sort of receive different chunks of confidance - they overlap in Venn-like ways, but one will always know certain things the others don't, and I think that's why I talk to at least 3 people.

I also think it's normal to want to confide in your mother and it's normal to not want to upset your mother, but you've said it's "kind of silly" (in your opinion, at least,) to have witheld information from her. Well, now that you've realised this, what's stopping you from divulging? In my experience, if you think your parent is open to hearing you and willing to set aside their bias for the comfort of their child, then let fly.

My mother is like that. She's the best person in all the world and I love her so much for it. I've gone to her with so many troublesome things, and she's listened for my sake and, although I know she feels absolutely dreadful about not having the recourse or information to help, she knows I feel better just telling her.

I think that if your mother loves you, you're fortunate, indeed. Maybe tell your mom you'd like to confide in her and you hope that's all right? Good luck to you!

Amber2010 · 02-22-2012, 10:54 AM

My mother and I have always had a very bad relationship. Since teenage years but I would try and try to get along and keep the family together by having all the get togethers at my house or being the one to say I'm sorry when I did nothing wrong. In my 40's I realized this is not the person I want in my life. I was tired of all the negative and having to be the one to work things out. We had one last fight over something so small and instead of running back I decided to see how important I am to her. It as been 5 years now and she has never even tried even though she lives five mintes away and has my cell and home phone numbers. I realize at this point of my life that not everyone is meant to be a mom or can be. I did see her at both my brothers insistence at Christmas but there just is no feelings there anymore. It was like meeting an old aquaintance again. It will always hurt to realize how very little I mean but It has freed me from trying to be someone I'm not.

02-21-2012, 07:50 PM	#1
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805811	Relating To Your Parent(s) I am tired and worn out but I feel like sharing so I'm gonna post, then go to bed. I went for a regular walk with my dear mother(62) tonight and I brought up some sensitive topics for the first time in a very long time with her. My nerves are totally wracked because I felt so very vulnerable. I've managed to form an extremely close bond with my mother and she's become my best friend in the whole world, but for years I would avoid certain topics because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Kind of silly on my part and she let me know as much. I came out to her when I was 18 and was fortunate to have no backlash but over the years I wouldn't share things with her and we eventually settled into a don't ask-don't tell relationship. Her not asking because she thought I wanted privacy and me not telling because I wanted her to not be uncomfortable. Thankfully I feel so much better now, except I can't help the nerve-shot feeling in me right now. I'm curious though.... has anyone else had or having this kind of relationship with a parent? Where you're close and share with them or where you're close but don't? I know it's all relative to the relationship but maybe I just need to keep the lines of communication open for it to begin to feel 100% normal because as of right now it still doesn't completely?

02-22-2012, 07:50 AM	#5
Okiebug61 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Light Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Hitched to Red Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 1,528 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,261 Thanked 5,381 Times in 1,245 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I think one of the hardest things for a child to understand is that just because someone carried you for 9 months and brought you into this world doesn't mean they ever bonded with you or themselves. My mom and I talk but it's like we are neighbors needing to borrow a cup of sugar. I use to think I was close to her, but then after 42 years of marriage she divorced my dad and she became this person I can't recognize anymore. She's happy and I am happy for her. I never really felt any grave pain with her changing so much, but all the what if's came up. I decided to settle my mind and heart on the matter and moved on. __________________ "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawake." ~ Anatole France

02-22-2012, 08:14 AM	#7
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,791 Times in 7,290 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I was raised by two cold, withholding, rejecting and abusive parents. My mother told me once how my father sobbed when I was born because I was a girl and not the son he had hoped for. Not a good omen for sure. My coming out lesbian was the icing on the cake. Neither spoke to me for 15 years after I told them. My life was actually easier during those years- no expectations, no criticism. I reconnected with them as they were aging and my brothers had moved away. I was still trying to be the good daughter I guess-even though it was the unachievable. They do not ask question one about me or my life. It is all about them. I listen, ask them about themselves and they talk on, oblivious. It is what it is. They are who they are. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

02-22-2012, 10:03 AM	#9
dark_crystal Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: jenny Preferred Pronoun?: babygirl Relationship Status: First Lady of the United SMH Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 5,445 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,532 Thanked 26,589 Times in 4,691 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	i see my parents a couple of times a month. We talk about my nephew, their church, my job, etc. i have been out to them for 22 years- it was horrible at first but now they are accepting and often very sweet to my partner-- but it is uncomfortable for all of us to discuss it __________________

02-21-2012, 07:57 PM	#2
Mr Nice Guy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Kind, sweet, loving, romantic and a rare Butch. :) Relationship Status: I don't drive a Uhaul. :) Join Date: May 2011 Location: Another New Englander Posts: 1,768 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,035 Thanked 4,894 Times in 1,307 Posts Rep Power: 0	I've never had a relationship with my mom. That's why I took her in, I thought she might want that with me but nope. It's been hell, but I know she will get her housing and move. I wish and have always wished for a mom who cares.

02-21-2012, 08:18 PM	#3
SugarFemme Member How Do You Identify?: Fierce Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Southwest Posts: 1,029 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 650 Thanked 4,463 Times in 854 Posts Rep Power*: 21474850	My mother and I are VERY close. We have always been there for each other. There is only one area that is taboo between us. You guessed it. My being queer. She has a very hard time with it. Pretends it does not exist, so it does not in her mind. It is very frustrating for me. It is a huge part of who I am that I cannot share with her. Honestly, I don't like it. But I get so much other good stuff from her I am willing to tolerate it.

02-21-2012, 08:22 PM	#4
Sassy Member How Do You Identify?: Female Relationship Status: Together Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: In the sunshine Posts: 598 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 815 Thanked 1,928 Times in 460 Posts Rep Power: 19641162	I was raised by a pair of open-minded hippies. I am loved. I am accepted. And I'm so aware of just how blessed I am for it.

02-22-2012, 09:44 AM	#8
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Northwest Wind and Lake Michigan Preferred Pronoun?: Paesano Relationship Status: Solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore Posts: 1,546 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,597 Thanked 3,732 Times in 1,096 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	My parents Had butch-femme friends/couples as close friends for years (since the fifties) They were very supportive and communicative. There were never any problems or disruptions in relating/interacting with them.

02-22-2012, 10:48 AM	#10
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,157 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Hi Cuddles, It seems to me that it's perfectly all right to be friendly with one's parents but still not share everything. If I think about my confidantes, my mother is one, but I don't tell her everything; my best friend is another, but I don't tell her everything; and my other close friend is another, but again, I don't tell her everything! All of these people sort of receive different chunks of confidance - they overlap in Venn-like ways, but one will always know certain things the others don't, and I think that's why I talk to at least 3 people. I also think it's normal to want to confide in your mother and it's normal to not want to upset your mother, but you've said it's "kind of silly" (in your opinion, at least,) to have witheld information from her. Well, now that you've realised this, what's stopping you from divulging? In my experience, if you think your parent is open to hearing you and willing to set aside their bias for the comfort of their child, then let fly. My mother is like that. She's the best person in all the world and I love her so much for it. I've gone to her with so many troublesome things, and she's listened for my sake and, although I know she feels absolutely dreadful about not having the recourse or information to help, she knows I feel better just telling her. I think that if your mother loves you, you're fortunate, indeed. Maybe tell your mom you'd like to confide in her and you hope that's all right? Good luck to you!

02-22-2012, 10:54 AM	#11
Amber2010 Member How Do You Identify?: Happy, Crazy, Bubbly, Funny, Strong, Outgoing, Friendly Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Complicated Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 920 Thanked 594 Times in 154 Posts Rep Power: 3787183	My mother and I have always had a very bad relationship. Since teenage years but I would try and try to get along and keep the family together by having all the get togethers at my house or being the one to say I'm sorry when I did nothing wrong. In my 40's I realized this is not the person I want in my life. I was tired of all the negative and having to be the one to work things out. We had one last fight over something so small and instead of running back I decided to see how important I am to her. It as been 5 years now and she has never even tried even though she lives five mintes away and has my cell and home phone numbers. I realize at this point of my life that not everyone is meant to be a mom or can be. I did see her at both my brothers insistence at Christmas but there just is no feelings there anymore. It was like meeting an old aquaintance again. It will always hurt to realize how very little I mean but It has freed me from trying to be someone I'm not.