Friends of Bill W.

Day 12...

...I'm all at sea.

I went to my first meeting in 26yrs last night. I almost cried as I left. Nothing, not one damn thing has changed in that 26yrs. The only thing different was that last time I was in that room the chairs faced a different way.

Day 13

This is the second day I've woken up feeling like crap. I'm hoping it's just my body readjusting to life without alcohol. I never expected to wake up feeling like I have a lil hangover, which is what's happened the last two mornings. I want to sleep and sleep. It's not a huge issue, it's not a threat to my sobriety, it's just disappointing.

I'm still reeling from the lack of progress and modernity at meetings. I just don't know what to do with myself about that one.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 12

MY TALE



I must be my own tattletale. I must give my sponsor bullets to shoot down my disease. Anything I protect and nurture will grow and overtake me. It is up to me to choose if I will feed my ailment or my health. My life will be consumed, that is a guarantee; all things feed into others. The direction this meal takes is my daily decision. The bull’s eye can be hit if I describe the target. The ending will be happy if the story I tell is my own.


Calculate the risk and build a bridge.



*

Rebellion Dogs

“Rebellion dogs our every step at first”
AA’s 12 and 12

They won’t come to heal, won’t sit, won’t stay,
these dogs circle waiting for signs of weakness
or vulnerable skin, but there they are;
they have been found out.

The ones that worry me more
are those that took show and place,
the dogs that stand in the shadows and lurk in the wing.

What are their names I wonder?
Their distinctive smell?
Must I identify these writhing mutts
or simply call animal control?

Though this never worked with rebellion dogs
these lesser pups surely would run
from would be dog catchers and leave me to my dreams.

Alas, I name them and show them to my friends;
we like they run in packs
and are served well by honest disclosure.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Day 13

This is the second day I've woken up feeling like crap. I'm hoping it's just my body readjusting to life without alcohol. I never expected to wake up feeling like I have a lil hangover, which is what's happened the last two mornings. I want to sleep and sleep. It's not a huge issue, it's not a threat to my sobriety, it's just disappointing.

I'm still reeling from the lack of progress and modernity at meetings. I just don't know what to do with myself about that one.

Have you started to itch yet? I believe the feeling like crap and needing extra sleep is part of the healing process, but that doesn't make it feel any better. I sure hope this phase is short and you are feeling better soon! I know you don't eat sweets and I'm not suggestion that you start, but making unsugared undutched coco, kind of like black coffee, is a local cure around here suggested to newcomers, it might be worth a try.....let me know what you think. I hope today is better than yesterday, my friend!

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

Have you started to itch yet? I believe the feeling like crap and needing extra sleep is part of the healing process, but that doesn't make it feel any better. I sure hope this phase is short and you are feeling better soon! I know you don't eat sweets and I'm not suggestion that you start, but making unsugared undutched coco, kind of like black coffee, is a local cure around here suggested to newcomers, it might be worth a try.....let me know what you think. I hope today is better than yesterday, my friend!

Ta ever so much for being so lovely.

Nope, no itching thank goodness; the headache and feeling a little bit crap is enough for now. I figured it was all just part of the whole re-jiggling of the inner balance of things. It appears that the unsweetened non dutched cocoa ain't so freely available here so I shall do a full search of resources available. I've found one place but it's rather expensive. I will keep you posted.

I've treated myself to a total pit pj day and don't feel half so bad as I did this morning/lunch-time. I have high hopes for a better day tomorrow as I'm going to take advantage of the free acupuncture session at ADS again.

Wishing you a wonderful day lovely girl

[RockOn]

So glad to read you went to meeting.

Your mind is probably still feeling fragmented. Since you have already been aquainted with meetings from your past, I feel certain you have heard what I am about to say ... Will say it anyway ... Try and focus on similarities and quit worrying about lack of modernization. HEH HEH! Alcoholism doesn't change. It's primary goal is to make our lives miserable and is overjoyed when it can bring death.

I have to tell you I chuckled a bit when I read your comment about "modern." I know you were being serious but it just struck me funny. I sat beside a woman tonight at our Women's meeting and she kept me going too. The things we come up with to say or notice can be quite entertaining at times. Go to meetings until you enjoy them. And then keep going. I was relieved to read you are surrounded by meetings. You know what you need to do.

It's the main thing.
Your friend,
Brock

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 13

NIGHT FLIGHT





The small log shape with large wings passed the windshield of my moving car without collision, due to meticulous calculation and correction in a night sky. Silent passage… swift and meaningful, the owl lives as it knows how. I was not born to the night, darkness not my given realm. I have inverted my senses and compensated for the moonlight. I pull my way through the air and hunt for my survival in a world of shadows. The morsels caught on the wing, snatches of conversations and lines from books, sustain me, give me strength to live in spite of the nocturnal bondage. I have made peace with the night. I am changed by my living and my living endures. The grace required to abide here is bestowed on me nightly. I wear it though it is not the prize I sought.


Write a letter home to you.

*
Whittle it Down


A famous sculptor mentioned
that he doesn’t so much create the objects
as remove the stone which doesn’t belong.

I have had the same experience with willingness.
Encased in the bedrock of my will
willingness had no opportunity to open doors.

Flaking away the extraneous
the key shape appears, rugged, blockish, rudimental.
As the tears stream down my face
and wrong thinking flies from my brain
the key is more finely formed.

As I wheedle at misconception
and haul bodily wrong action
the teeth of this thing show sharp in this day’s sun.

Many doors stand ajar,
at first those with basic tumblers,
but now even those with encrypted defense
are no match for the willingness,
which I wield with rapier wit.

The obvious blocks to progress open to me
as well as the subtle doors to untold destination,
I am let out of danger, released into possibility.

[RockOn]

Sherrie, you are such a gifted writer. You always amaze me and your dependability is good for me.

I love your February 12th post.

Originally Posted by Brock

So glad to read you went to meeting.

Your mind is probably still feeling fragmented. Since you have already been aquainted with meetings from your past, I feel certain you have heard what I am about to say ... Will say it anyway ... Try and focus on similarities and quit worrying about lack of modernization. HEH HEH! Alcoholism doesn't change. It's primary goal is to make our lives miserable and is overjoyed when it can bring death.

I have to tell you I chuckled a bit when I read your comment about "modern." I know you were being serious but it just struck me funny. I sat beside a woman tonight at our Women's meeting and she kept me going too. The things we come up with to say or notice can be quite entertaining at times. Go to meetings until you enjoy them. And then keep going. I was relieved to read you are surrounded by meetings. You know what you need to do.

It's the main thing.
Your friend,
Brock

Hey Brock

I was being very serious. I wonder why in the 28yrs since I started going to meetings why nothing has changed. Even the posters on the wall were from that era. I find that odd.

I understand alcoholism doesn't change either, however my attitude, with the help of my God (my faith is important to me and came long before this period of sobriety), has changed. I don't understand and never did all those years ago why the focus is on how to drink and not on recovery. The share from the top table was about what a greedy drinker she was and the dark place it took her and that in the just 9 months she'd been sober life had got better. Yeah I'm sure it has but how? Tell me that bit. I don't need advice on how to be a better drinker I'm already an expert. I want to talk about recovery. The other folks that shared from the room that night also shared how bad their drinking had been - it's almost like a competition for who was/is the worst drinker - and only ever said "and since I stopped my life got better" .......no-one says how it's improved and how they maintain it on a daily basis. That was always my issue and it's still there after just one meeting. I'm gutted!

I live in a small-ish provincial seaside town so the pool of sober folks is relatively small. I wish I lived close enough to a big city where there would be more people, options and meetings to explore.

My mind is indeed somewhat fragmented but it's also sharper that it's been in years which is causing me not a little conflict.

Thanks for your encouragement, I will do more meetings, I have to at least try a few more in the area to see if they're any different. If they're not I don't know what I'm going to do.

In friendship
Incubus

[RockOn]

Incubus, I know exactly what you are talking about. It happens at times at every meeting. I will seek another meeting if the one I have chosen does not, for the most part, stay in the solution. Just don't let it drive you away.

Seek 12/12 (Step Meetings). Your sponsor will be kicking you into the steps along about now ... That will take your mind off these unsatisfactory meetings plus, the relief is in those steps. Try and focus on that until you can find a homegroup. Get involved and in the middle - you cannot fall off the edge if you are in the center of it because the people surrounding you will notice quicker when you need extra help and hold you up when necessary. They have done that for me. They will do it for you too. That is, to me, what it is all about. It's a "WE" program. We do not have to be alone.

Originally Posted by Brock

Incubus, I know exactly what you are talking about. It happens at times at every meeting. I will seek another meeting if the one I have chosen does not, for the most part, stay in the solution. Just don't let it drive you away.

Seek 12/12 (Step Meetings). Your sponsor will be kicking you into the steps along about now ... That will take your mind off these unsatisfactory meetings plus, the relief is in those steps. Try and focus on that until you can find a homegroup. Get involved and in the middle - you cannot fall off the edge if you are in the center of it because the people surrounding you will notice quicker when you need extra help and hold you up when necessary. They have done that for me. They will do it for you too. That is, to me, what it is all about. It's a "WE" program. We do not have to be alone.

Day 15...

...Cheers Brock. Yanno I don't feel alone no matter what. I have faith in my heart and that gives me much comfort...Infact I think church is going to bring me more comfort than what I'm seeing at meetings. I know, I know that's like high treason in AA.

In all the listings I can't find a Step meeting or a Big Book meeting that's do-able sadly. I still have a hope that I'll be able to find a home meeting, even one that doesn't meet all my needs. Just meeting some of them would be good. I aim to try a meeting a little out of town this later this week...it's a hilly bike ride (not so easy with lung disease) to get to it but it could well be worth it. Who knows?!

In friendship
Incubus

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 14

TRAVELING PICTURES




I parked next to a beaten little import. The well of the passenger’s side was filled with empty sport-drink bottles and cans from soda. The dashboard was a shrine: three taped photographs, one of a young man and young woman, one of the young woman and an older woman, one of the young woman and an enormous marble statue. There were small carved objects affixed to the dash: jade and soapstone figures, beads and a feather. The sanctuary in my head is decked out in a similar manner. Post card pictures line my mind: people I love, trips I took, pets long gone. The road signs of my journey stand as exhibits of a tour of duty not always to my liking but nothing I would trade. I know clearly where I have been, and study the map to prepare for the future. Escapades and loved ones, trinkets strung on my lifeline give texture, flavor and flash to my pilgrimage.


Think of fish and dream of birds.



*
Progressive Fourth


All I can do is stand on the grass
and count the shutters, the windows, the doors.
At first I cannot approach to inspect any closer than that.

Time passes and the other steps work me.
I peer through the windows the next time
and count the stuffs I can glimpse through the glass.

I possess no periscopic vision,
but what is in plain sight I reckon.
Subsequently I wished to exteriorize
and draw the inventory of the house
out onto the lawn and tally there.

Wishing to avoid that interior life,
the poisoned vixen who haunted there.
Time passed and she recovered as did I,

Into the house I went.
I am now able not only to number my possessions
I can assess the flow and function,
work patterns, interplay, reliability.

I have now appraised not just the what,
but the how of my life
and progress into tomorrow.

[RockOn]

Here's my take, my opinion on your last post.

Incubus, it is great if you want to go to church, nothing in the world wrong with that. In addition, it is not a violation to do both church and recovery. Lots of people do it.

This part is how I see it. I need to be around others in recovery to get and stay "right-sized." Working steps with a sponsor, "cleaning house" ... Identifying both my good and unsavory characteristics ... Keep the good stuff about me, do amends except when harmful to others and continue to work to improve/correct those selfish behaviors I integrated into my personality as a selfish, egotistical drunk. That is what I became and I did not realize it. Church people are not wired the same as I am (at least the non-alcoholic ones) so hard as they try and with all the best intentions, they really don't know f*ck about what is wrong with me ... and therefore, are unable to help me.

I still behave inappropriately at times but overall, I am a great deal better than I was before a sponsor pointed out the glaring defects she noticed when we did step work. Oh, that was some tough love! I hated hearing all about that. I was many times genuinely pissed off about it. Today, that tough love helps me to grow, even when terribly painful. For this, I am eternally thankful.

Incubus, I have no idea. I only know what has worked and continues to work for me. Perhaps you will find a tough love person in church who will kick your seat hard enough to help you. I wish you the very best with that. Let me know how it works out for you.

Best wishes. Sending prayers to the Good Spirit that you make it!
Your friend,
Brock

[Prudence]

In reading the last posts, I began to take a look at my spiritual life. I do use my bible, and I do use my Big Book. I went to my Big Book tonight. Came across something on page 28, third paragraph down. "We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us , whatever our race, creed, or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try. Those having religious affiliations will find here nothing disturbing to their beliefs or ceremonies. There is no friction among us over such matters. We think it no concern of ours what religious bodies our members identify themselves with as individuals. This should be an entirely personal affair which each one decides for himself in the light of past associations, or his present choice. Not all of us join religious bodies, but most of us favor such memberships." Glad I ran across this. ....Prudence

[RockOn]

Prudence, I am glad you ran across that reading ... and even more glad you took the time to come in here and share it with us. Thank you.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 15

SHAME

I push shame around my plate like a chunk of spoiled meat, the toxins leaching to every interface and cavity. With an inverse half-life, the lethal substance grows, reinforcing, sending runners and tendrils to worlds known and those yet undiscovered. I wage my war on this shape-shifting plague. Thrust and parry, I step back from the insurmountable walls and set my sights on tearing down the bunkers in my personal city. Like lead plumbing, the danger eludes the observation of my fellow citizens. I am labeled a lunatic and no attention is paid to my evaluations of water quality. I search for similarly crazed friends, variants within a theme. I depend on the poisoned sanity of my wounded compatriots. We shovel the plate loads of spoiled meat and detritus. The foreshortened mountain of shame allows tiny strands of light to glimmer across the surface but the shamed devotees turn their heads. We, the few, face this glowering mass. I worry like a petulant child. What if we can not prevail? Is shame stronger than recovery? Have we traveled this far to miss the glacier’s edge as it slides away from us? I console myself with the sure knowledge: this life of sobriety is better than any other offering. Healing the world, what a lovely thought. Living free from shame today, what a necessity.

Crumple a sacred cow then iron it flat.
*

ONE


One skin, One mind, One spirit, One day

If I live in more than my own skin,
I am a body snatcher and ghoul.
If I live in a duality of thought I am ejected,
ostensibly out of my mind.

If I redouble my spirit
the increase takes a dark cold turn
and I am lost.

If I try to live two days at a time
the sand shifts in the glass
and I am worse off in that hour than Dorothy.

This skin is all I can be in,
as many times as I walk in someone else’s shoes
it’s the skin I’m in.

This mind is my only bequest,
treasure enough to earn my keep.
Free as this spirit is it is still tied at the heel
and like my shadow it remains.

And today is the only day where the magic works,
witches melt and clicking my heels gets my attention
even if it doesn’t always take me home.

[RockOn]

This is an off subject (sorta) and a "general" type post.

I woke up this morning and was a little bit confused. I came here and am no longer confused after rereading the title of this thread ... which is "Friends of Bill W."

"Friends of Bill W." is synonymous with "AA 12 STEP"

*chuckling to self*
Glad it was so easy for me to end my confusion. Wish it could always be that simple.

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!
Best Wishes!

Brock

[FtMGuy]

Hello Just wanted to post a quick intro to this thread,
I have been clean & sober for close to 21 years now When I first got clean & sober it was difficult to stay clean and did attend about 2-4 meetings a day I also worked in the gay AA club in San Diego so was around sober people all the time that first year. I still use those tools are learned all those years ago however I dont go to many meetings these days.
I will be getting to some in the states when I get back!

Day 16

It's really good to see other folks poking their heads in the door. Thanks so much Pru and Guy and ta muchly Brock for sharing your take on my post.

Are you sitting comfortably...apologies in advance for verbosity.

Like a good, contrary addict, I've come at this all arse about tit. It's God that has brought me to recovery, who gave me the gift of desperation and the desire to be free from my addiction, one day at a time. It is He who has forced me, kicking and screaming for so long, to seek out folks who can help me deal with this damnable addiction. Which in turn led me to my doctor and a two chances at medical detox. The first was self managed and failed miserably....quelle surprise! The second, a 'managed' detox started on 31/01/2012.

So, being newly sober and having been in this place before I knew I had to seek the right places for me with other folks in recovery. It seems that God led me to one of those places and a bunch of people tonight.

To continue with this I need to tell you about a classmate at uni. Cutting a very long story short, a chance conversation whilst out on a field trip revealed two classmates who have faith and both attend churches (not the same one as each other). In fact right here I'm going to post a link to my blog which sort of explains a little bit about Paul.
http://scooby63.wordpress.com/2011/12/page/2/
The entry you're looking for is 24.11.2011 "Quiz Night"

Paul is also a recovering addict. I confided in him at times throughout last semester about the escalation of my drinking. Obviously I gave him the sanitised version but he knew. Finally he told me about the Wednesday night NA meeting he attends and at the beginning of the year I promised I'd go along with him. Course I didn't; I determined if I couldn't go sober I wouldn't go at all. Brilliant avoidance strategy huh?

After my meeting with John from the local alcohol team yesterday, who is also a recovering addict, I decided that I would go along to the NA meeting Paul had mentioned. Google directions printed out I got myself along to the group which is a basic text study group with a short share at the beginning. Guess who was sharing? Yup, got it in one, Paul. God works in those proverbially mysterious ways.

Folks were welcoming, as is always the case at meetings and it was interesting to hear the steps and traditions with slightly different words. Wouldn't you know it, in my haste to get out the door and on my bike, I had forgotten to pick up my bag with both pairs of specs so I just sat back and listened. I shall be attending another meeting tomorrow evening at the same venue.

I like that it's not glory stories about drinking. I like that it's not about the substance you use/d - I've played with pretty much every drug you can take, as I suspect many of us have. Most importantly, I like that the focus is recovery.

We'll see where I'm led from this point.

If you've made it to here than very well done; thank-you for your stoicism and for listening

Keepin' th'sober faith


ps. Thanks to LeftWriteFemme for starting the thread

pps. Thanks also for her daily inspirations.

[LeftWriteFemme]

February 16

THE DEALS I’VE MADE


Because they are deals and not resentments or secrets, these circular schemes did not come out in my fourth step. They didn’t come out in the wash; they come out whenever they are broken. If the deal is don’t eat pickled herring and you won’t have to remember X, the deal will get broken when pickled herring is served to me at some social gathering. As I get healthier, the breaks connect ever more deeply. What in early sobriety would have given me unexplained discomfort now gives me full-blown flashbacks. And I watch the deal unravel… you weren’t supposed to eat this because this is what was on the plate when… but now that it’s on the plate here, now you have to face this ugly roiling mess. The deals saved my life, but unless they are handled with care and honesty, they can cost me the life I have now. I must choose a safe person and place to share these broken shards, living alone with this will not work and making it public fodder is a set up as well. In every one of these deals there is a back door to a drink and therefore We have to go out the front door together.

Pick three color words and use them all day.


*
The Long Dark Ride


Are fear and ignorance one thing
that looks like itself
or terrifying twins who feed one another?

Can they be separated
and if they can will it kill them?
And if they die
what will spring from their remains?

Will it be better or worse?
Can I tell what better is?
Should I tell if it turns out to be worse?

Is there ever an end to either fear or ignorance?
If there is, how deep is that well
and will I survive a trip to the bottom?

Do you know and do you care?
Will you go with me if I find the way?
Will you take me if you find it first?