Things you should never say on a date.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Just out of curiosity, how do you talk about your experiences, travels, journeys and adventures you've had without mentioning your exes???? Do I just pretend I did them all on my own or... ?

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Just out of curiosity, how do you talk about your experiences, travels, journeys and adventures you've had without mentioning your exes???? Do I just pretend I did them all on my own or... ?

I usually say something like "I went basket weaving in Burma" without adding "...and my ex was there". Not that I've had all that many ex's, or that there's much story to tell, but especially on early dates, I tend to leave that off unless asked. Past relationships seem to come up as a new interest is getting "serious", in my experience (such as it is).

[imperfect_cupcake]

I guess that just seems wierd to me.
I don't say "I went to Guatemala"
I'm usually telling a story about something that actually happened. Like "when I was living Guatemala, there was this little girl named Maria age 10 who used to come and sell us breckfast, I often spent my breckfast with her and James did these cool little poitraits of her that she loved so she'd give me help with learning how to work the wood clay oven. Maria was a sharp little girl. You should have seen her face when she saw me using a machete. She rolled her eyes at me. She would up teaching both of us because James was worse than me. But now I can say I was taught how to use a machete by a 10 year old girl!"

Or I'll tell the story about how james and I went up the local volcano to get mescal spikes off the cacti and all the things that happened. And when I came back, James carved a little head into one and I used to put it through my tongue piercing hole to scare the little kids that used to play on our hammock for fun, but they were never scared, they just rolled their eyes at the gringo.

If I left the other person out of that story to make someon else feel comfortable and retell it like I was alone...? That seems really fucked up.

It seems misleading and bizarre to leave out the fact in that story my ex was with me.
Are people so delicate that the mere mention that I've had relationships and lovers and sex partners before them going to upset them?

I've only had two people out of many ever get upset that I've talked about exes. One wound up being extremely controlling and I wasn't allowed to bring up any male ex at all in a story (I was bisexual from 14-25) so I actually had to change them or not tell them. And the other had pretty heavy social anxiety and was very insecure about any and all of my exes. They were nervous I was comparing them to my exes and I finally broke things off because it made me nuts.

I've been dating, having sex partners and romantic partners since I was 14. I am 45. Most of my life have had other people in it. Most of my traveling and living involved other people. If it's ok to say I went to Berma with a friend there, and it's not ok to say I went to see a temple with someone I was having sex with and tell the story.... But I have to leave them out simply because our relationship included sex? Or maybe sex and romance? But it's ok to mention someone I *wasnt* having sex with? Even though the story has *no* sex in it??? That seems kinda fucked up and pretty weird. and frankly catering to someone's ideas about purity - like I've never been with someone before.

I've personally never had that problem on dates. And if someone asks me to not mention them, a red flag goes up for me about insecurity.

But perhaps it's because I love story exchange. Telling stories is how I communicate. It would seem like a bizzare lie of omission to tell it wrong. And the main reason I am with someone for company is to hear their stories. Their ideas. Their life. Hearing about their lovers and exes and play partners is just part of who they are for me. It's all people and experiences who made them who they are now. Leaving information out just because you had sex with that person seems pretty random to my mind.

[LOQUI]

...perhaps, if the story is tell as hb did, it might appears more easy to 'digest'?
...perhaps, the frequent use of the prefix ex in a statement is what might cause some hmm discomfort (?) in the other? If it is just another name, then it is up to your date to decide to explore a little bit more to find out whom ___name__ is or was? Idk...just pondering...

[JDeere]

Only tell small basic things and avoid ex talk as much as possible.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I guess that just seems wierd to me.
I don't say "I went to Guatemala"
I'm usually telling a story about something that actually happened. Like "when I was living Guatemala, there was this little girl named Maria age 10 who used to come and sell us breckfast, I often spent my breckfast with her and James did these cool little poitraits of her that she loved so she'd give me help with learning how to work the wood clay oven. Maria was a sharp little girl. You should have seen her face when she saw me using a machete. She rolled her eyes at me. She would up teaching both of us because James was worse than me. But now I can say I was taught how to use a machete by a 10 year old girl!"

Or I'll tell the story about how james and I went up the local volcano to get mescal spikes off the cacti and all the things that happened. And when I came back, James carved a little head into one and I used to put it through my tongue piercing hole to scare the little kids that used to play on our hammock for fun, but they were never scared, they just rolled their eyes at the gringo.

If I left the other person out of that story to make someon else feel comfortable and retell it like I was alone...? That seems really fucked up.

It seems misleading and bizarre to leave out the fact in that story my ex was with me.
Are people so delicate that the mere mention that I've had relationships and lovers and sex partners before them going to upset them?

I've only had two people out of many ever get upset that I've talked about exes. One wound up being extremely controlling and I wasn't allowed to bring up any male ex at all in a story (I was bisexual from 14-25) so I actually had to change them or not tell them. And the other had pretty heavy social anxiety and was very insecure about any and all of my exes. They were nervous I was comparing them to my exes and I finally broke things off because it made me nuts.

I've been dating, having sex partners and romantic partners since I was 14. I am 45. Most of my life have had other people in it. Most of my traveling and living involved other people. If it's ok to say I went to Berma with a friend there, and it's not ok to say I went to see a temple with someone I was having sex with and tell the story.... But I have to leave them out simply because our relationship included sex? Or maybe sex and romance? But it's ok to mention someone I *wasnt* having sex with? Even though the story has *no* sex in it??? That seems kinda fucked up and pretty weird. and frankly catering to someone's ideas about purity - like I've never been with someone before.

I've personally never had that problem on dates. And if someone asks me to not mention them, a red flag goes up for me about insecurity.

But perhaps it's because I love story exchange. Telling stories is how I communicate. It would seem like a bizzare lie of omission to tell it wrong. And the main reason I am with someone for company is to hear their stories. Their ideas. Their life. Hearing about their lovers and exes and play partners is just part of who they are for me. It's all people and experiences who made them who they are now. Leaving information out just because you had sex with that person seems pretty random to my mind.

I think that's different. I believe what's inappropriate and off-putting (for me, anyway) is a first or early date with someone who goes off on an ex, with every other sentence something like "Let me tell you what that *female dog* did to me...!" That makes me think that I'm the next target of her anger.

In HB's story, the ex happened to be there but wasn't the focus of the story-which was Guatemala in general and the little girl in particular. That wouldn't bother me.

I guess I could see myself saying "I did basket weaving in Burma with my then-partner (ex-husband, whatever), but personally I dislike talking about people who aren't present and possibly not in my life anymore. When the talk does come around to exes, I tend to talk about lessons learned and how I grew personally in the relationship, not about the other person. I think it's just personal preference.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh you mean when someone rants about a recent ex during a date when you've not talked to them before?
Ok, I can see that.
But to me that's not *mentioning* an ex.
And yeah, personal preference. Of course. I guess because I do talk to people a LOT before I go on a date, that the first date isn't really "an interview"
And I like personal life stories. With lots of detail. People are my books. I love their lives and their stories. Including their relationships, their travels, their loves, their failures, their successes in work/school/love... It's who they are. What they have lived.
i don't talk about "lessons" because that emotional content to me and to me that's quite personal. How I *feel* is reserved for further down the line. Stories are organic to me, they come up without reserve.

And most of my exes are in my life. They are my friends.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Only tell small basic things and avoid ex talk as much as possible.

So, incredibly, not me LOL.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Oh you mean when someone rants about a recent ex during a date when you've not talked to them before?
Ok, I can see that.
But to me that's not *mentioning* an ex.
And yeah, personal preference. Of course. I guess because I do talk to people a LOT before I go on a date, that the first date isn't really "an interview"
And I like personal life stories. With lots of detail. People are my books. I love their lives and their stories. Including their relationships, their travels, their loves, their failures, their successes in work/school/love... It's who they are. What they have lived.
i don't talk about "lessons" because that emotional content to me and to me that's quite personal. How I *feel* is reserved for further down the line. Stories are organic to me, they come up without reserve.

And most of my exes are in my life. They are my friends.

I think it's great that most of your exes are friends. You probably started out that way so why not still be that afterwards. That is not the case for me and not because I hate any of them because I don't, it's just that we never kept in contact after the breakup. Well one is starting to email me again and so we may for some type of friendship. Who knows.

I do get that many of your life experiences occur when you are with your ex. That those times help shape you into the person you are now, whether they be good or bad. But for me personally, I don't want to hear about your ex this or your ex that when we are trying to first get to know each other. Sure, if you want to tell me about them down the line, I have no problem with that. I think that if you are on a date with me, let's talk about me and let's talk about you. I'm sure you have stuff you can tell me without bringing an ex into the mix.

And if you are talking about your ex every other sentence, we probably won't have a second date so go ahead and let it fly. I'll think you aren't over them and that will make me run far away. And if you bad mouth your ex, it will make me wonder how you will speak of me to others. Not a good sign either.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

So, incredibly, not me LOL.

I know, everyone is different.

[C0LLETTE]

"You remind me so much of my ex. I loved her so much, still do; have no idea why she dumped me. Btw, can you recommend a good lube for older women?"

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

"You remind me so much of my ex. I loved her so much, still do; have no idea why she dumped me. Btw, can you recommend a good lube for older women?"

I've actually been told that I remind someone of their ex... oh but it was in a good way... lol

I mean sure, we do kind of like similar traits in people so I guess there may be similarities but still..

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

I think it's great that most of your exes are friends. You probably started out that way so why not still be that afterwards. That is not the case for me and not because I hate any of them because I don't, it's just that we never kept in contact after the breakup. Well one is starting to email me again and so we may for some type of friendship. Who knows.

I do get that many of your life experiences occur when you are with your ex. That those times help shape you into the person you are now, whether they be good or bad. But for me personally, I don't want to hear about your ex this or your ex that when we are trying to first get to know each other. Sure, if you want to tell me about them down the line, I have no problem with that. I think that if you are on a date with me, let's talk about me and let's talk about you. I'm sure you have stuff you can tell me without bringing an ex into the mix.

“I want to know about you, but not your exes, I don’t want to hear about your exes, tell me about *you*”

kind of makes about as much sense to me as “tell me all about you! I wanna know all about you, but don’t mention school. I don’t want to know anything about school or any educational intistutions you’ve been in. Don’t tell me about school, tell me about you!”

Huh?

I guess because I communicate in stories, not factiods. I don’t say things like “I needle point” to me that tells the listener actually *nothing* about me. Zippity do dah.
What I will do, instead of giving them a factiod is tell them the stories of my three favourite needlepoints. But I don’t make things for myself. I only make things for others. So all three will include the *story* of the needlepoint.
The first is a waterfall I saw - I saw pure lines of blue. My hamster, Bearnard, died and I was very upset. So I made him a burial cloth of canvas needle pointed with an abstract of a water falling on it, my expression about losing such a lovely but grumpy little bastard.
I also made a brocade cover for a stool depicting musical notes like birds on a wire, music symbolizing communication. It was for my best mate when the antique stool her gramma gave her was scorched in a house fire. She was really depressed and I wanted to show her new things could come of old - shes a musician.
The third was a black velvet wallet I made and needlepoint beaded a sequence of DNA across it for B (my first female long term partner) because after a three year long battle, she got published in Nature and I wanted to make something meaningful to celebrate her success.

that tell someone way *way* mare than “I like to needle point”. The fact that it has a story that includes an ex? *Really?* That would be me telling someone about my ex? That story is about me and my love of needle point and my way of interpreting art and my relationships with people and how I see them and what kind of friend I am. That is not about my ex at all. So not telling someone a story with my ex in it, I would have to cut out the story of one of my favourite pieces and why I made it. That just seems bizarre.

That’s like me telling someone “don’t tell me the story of one of the best pieces of music you wrote and why it’s so amazing, just because you wrote it for an ex when her mom died." That just makes very little sense to me. Or to "well just leave out the info that it was for your ex because her mom died." That just seems… bizarre. And hacks %50 of the information (that you loved her a lot, you are kind, you feel creative about your partners, you are empathetic and giving) from the story.

A story about writing a song for an ex when her mom died would make me go to mush. Not make me jealous or competitive. What a beautiful and lovely thing to do. How wonderful to have loved someone so much.

And if you are talking about your ex every other sentence, we probably won't have a second date so go ahead and let it fly. I'll think you aren't over them and that will make me run far away. And if you bad mouth your ex, it will make me wonder how you will speak of me to others. Not a good sign either.

For me that depends. I've had a relationships based on friendship and sex (and that's all) with people who aren't over their exes. I get it. I'm happy to be a friend and talk about it with them if they are real about it. People have done it for me. And there have been times when I am still hurting and I get together with someone else who still is and we have sex, go on pic nics and make each other laugh and sort through it. I'm grateful for those. I'm Im not in a head space or emotional space for that, no, I don't want to be in that position. So for me, that really depends on what I want at that point in life.

If someone bad mouths their ex, most of the time that I've heard it, it comes from a place where they were shat on. I'm friends with the people who treated me well. even if we didn't start as friends & sex (though that's rare but there is couple and they are diamond friends. and their girlfriends and wives rock cause they have good taste ). I also expect to hear good stories too. If there are no good stories it means that person was a complete fucking prick (and I've dated a couple. whoosh. holy *crap* life is not full of kind kittens and puppy dogs!) or their view is skewed. the only way to find out if their view is skewed is to hear if that's the way they talk about everyone they have been with - BIG RED FLAG.

And if I am friends with someone after, because when we broke it was just because it wasn't a great fit in other areas aside from friendship? they won't be badmouthing me. Probably mention some of my more irritating traits LOL but so what? I know I have them. It's not a secret or a surprise... by *any* means I can be annoying!!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

"You remind me so much of my ex. I loved her so much, still do; have no idea why she dumped me. Btw, can you recommend a good lube for older women?"

1) um. ok. better than "you remind me of my sister" which I *have* heard as a pick up line... *jaw drop* ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

2) ok, obviously not over ex. possible sex friend if this is a good chemisty click. save for that first line. the two together? mnnnnnnnooooooooooooot so much! lol

3) sure. J-Lube. fags use it. you mix it up to your own consistency needs. Long viscosity life. good luck with that.

that's a pretty good one Collette! I can see someone saying that! lol

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

“I want to know about you, but not your exes, I don’t want to hear about your exes, tell me about *you*”

kind of makes about as much sense to me as “tell me all about you! I wanna know all about you, but don’t mention school. I don’t want to know anything about school or any educational intistutions you’ve been in. Don’t tell me about school, tell me about you!”

Huh?

I guess because I communicate in stories, not factiods. I don’t say things like “I needle point” to me that tells the listener actually *nothing* about me. Zippity do dah.
What I will do, instead of giving them a factiod is tell them the stories of my three favourite needlepoints. But I don’t make things for myself. I only make things for others. So all three will include the *story* of the needlepoint.
The first is a waterfall I saw - I saw pure lines of blue. My hamster, Bearnard, died and I was very upset. So I made him a burial cloth of canvas needle pointed with an abstract of a water falling on it, my sadness.
I also made a brocade cover for a stool depicting musical notes like birds on a wire, music symbolizing communication. It was for my best mate when the antique stool her gramma gave her was scorched in a house fire. She was really depressed and I wanted to show her new things could come of old.
The third was a black velvet wallet I made and needlepoint beaded a sequence of DNA across it for B (my first female long term partner) because after a three year long battle, she got published in Nature and I wanted to make something meaningful to celebrate her success.

that tell someone way *way* mare than “I like to needle point”. The fact that it has a story that includes an ex? *Really?* That would be me telling someone about my ex? That story is about me and my love of needle point and my way of interpreting art and my relationships with people and how I see them and what kind of friend I am. That is not about my ex at all. So not telling someone a story with my ex in it, I would have to cut out the story of one of my favourite pieces and why I made it. That just seems bizarre.

That’s like me telling someone “don’t tell me the story of one of the best pieces of music you wrote and why it’s so amazing, just because you wrote it for an ex when her mom died." That just makes very little sense to me. Or to "well just leave out the info that it was for your ex because her mom died." That just seems… bizarre. And hacks %50 of the information (that you loved her a lot, you are kind, you feel creative about your partners, you are empathetic and giving) from the story.

A story about writing a song for an ex when her mom died would make me go to mush. Not make me jealous or competitive. What a beautiful and lovely thing to do. How wonderful to have loved someone so much.




For me that depends. I've had a relationships based on friendship and sex (and that's all) with people who aren't over their exes. I get it. I'm happy to be a friend and talk about it with them if they are real about it. People have done it for me. And there have been times when I am still hurting and I get together with someone else who still is and we have sex, go on pic nics and make each other laugh and sort through it. I'm grateful for those.

If someone bad mouths their ex, most of the time that I've heard it, it comes from a place where they were shat on. I'm friends with the people who treated me well. even if we didn't start as friends & sex (though that's rare but there is couple and they are diamond friends. and their girlfriends and wives rock cause they have good taste ). I also expect to hear good stories too. If there are no good stories it means that person was a complete fucking prick (and I've dated a couple. whoosh. holy *crap* life is not full of kind kittens and puppy dogs!) or their view is skewed. the only way to find out if their view is skewed is to hear if that's the way they talk about everyone they have been with - BIG RED FLAG.

And if I am friends with someone after, because when we broke it was just because it wasn't a great fit in other areas aside from friendship? they won't be badmouthing me. Probably mention some of my more irritating traits LOL but so what? I know I have them. It's not a secret or a surprise... by *any* means I can be annoying!!

So We disagree on this. Obviously. I understand what you are saying. I really do even if I don't agree with your analogy of exes and school being in the same category... well maybe as life experiences they are.

I guess what it all comes down to is the two people who are having the conversation and how they feel about the subject of exes.


On a side note...do you really needlepoint?

....and I like how you put the little smiley at the end of your post.... thank you for that lol.

[C0LLETTE]

If I understood the thread title correctly, it's about things one should never say. So far you've got me successfully using crappy pick up lines and just a water tap away from the slippery slope... In some circles that means I'm half way to a nice pity fuck.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm sorry collette, you've used "you look like my sister" as a pick up line?? wow. did it work?

Otherwise that went right over my head...

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by SleepyButch

So We disagree on this. Obviously. I understand what you are saying. I really do even if I don't agree with your analogy of exes and school being in the same category... well maybe as life experiences they are.

I guess what it all comes down to is the two people who are having the conversation and how they feel about the subject of exes.


On a side note...do you really needlepoint?

....and I like how you put the little smiley at the end of your post.... thank you for that lol.

DING DING DING - that is *exactly* how I view my exes! as part of *my* life experience! Aside from the friendships I have with them. The stories *are* stories of *just* that. Life expereince to explain who, what, why, where, when that I am. Amor Fati. Love of fate. Nietzsche wrote about if you truly accept who you are, you embrace all of your experiences that brought you to now for they made you. I try very hard to live by that - "Amor Fati"

How on earth else would I be viewing them??? I'm really baffled at to what else that would be.

I thought that little face would bring joy and pleasure and world happiness. I'm glad you can see that.

PS - um. yeah, I do needlepoint, actually. those are true stories about my needlecraft.

[C0LLETTE]

No, never have used that line. Don't have a sister and I'm a lousy liar.
I meant that the thread is about lines one probably shouldn't use and you seemed, overall, to see some benefit and possibly even success in the lines I had jokingly proposed as being sure tracks to failure.

Perhaps I have misread you, misinterpreted the intent of the thread, or just communicated poorly...in which case I do apologise.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

No, never have used that line. Don't have a sister and I'm a lousy liar.
I meant that the thread is about lines one probably shouldn't use and you seemed, overall, to see some benefit and possibly even success in the lines I had jokingly proposed as being sure tracks to failure.

Perhaps I have misread you, misinterpreted the intent of the thread, or just communicated poorly...in which case I do apologise.

Oh I thought someone had actually said that to you.
and yeah, you misread me. I did say the two lines together would be a big fat no to me. and the third, on it's own, sure, why not. but as part of what could have been said here's the advice and good luck with it (aka go away)

But obviously my own humour/thinking someone said it to you/analysis didn't translate. feel free to completely ignore me.