Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Janstevie]

A Doctor answers some hard Questions:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

[Janstevie]

What Bra sizes really mean:

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!.....
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
And I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[Janstevie]

>Subject: Nag! Nag! Nag!
>

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
day,
trying to get a stay of execution for a client James Wright, who was due to
be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had apparently failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear-end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

[Janstevie]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree.
"My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.
""Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep.
When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, M’lud, is the case for the defense...

[Janstevie]

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

[asphaltcowboi]

ok so someone to the sticker off my dogs new squeeky toy and stuck it on the back of my sweat shirt.. had to have been there for at least a week and i wear it all the time.. found it last night.. it says:
"squeeeze me i squeek"
not cool but hadda snicker!

[Stud_puppy1991]

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. I love that joke.

[Janstevie]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)






If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)






A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)






Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)






The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)






Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)






Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)






The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmmm.......)






Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)






Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)










A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)






An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)






Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that, too.)






Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)






Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)























=

[Guy]

Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing

[Fancy]

[Janstevie]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[Duchess]

[lusciouskiwi]

[Janstevie]

When i was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream van only played music when it was sold out.
Well played dad, well played.

[Janstevie]

I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say " I suppose you're wondering why i've gathered you all here today"

[Janstevie]

Now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Citizens

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* * TOT- Texting on Toilet

*


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[Soft*Silver]