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Old 01-12-2012, 04:37 PM   #1
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Default A question for the Femmes

Hi ladies,

I need some advice. I hope this is ok to ask.

I have recently been contemplating dating again. My therapist and some friends and family have all encouraged me to do so. For a long while I was unwilling to even think about it because I have a panic disorder and PTSD for which I am on disability and frankly what I get from my SSI checks every month is paltry. I haven't felt that I am emotionally stable enough to date because of my panic attacks, and not good date/relationship material because I can't work and am basically poor.

That said, I do have a lot going for me in other ways. I am a very kind, compassionate guy. I am have a big heart. I am well mannered, charming, sweet, and I love to goof around. I love to read and learn new things every day. I work on my issues and deal with them honestly. Even though I don't have a lot of money for expensive dates, I do lavish my dates with attention and care. Many people in my life tell me to go out and date again.

That all being said, I recently took a big risk and asked a Femme friend of mine for a date. She rejected me, and the reasons basically have to do with my lack of emotional stability and the fact that I am not financially secure and stable. Man, does that take the wind out of my sails!

So my question is this: Should I even try? Is my PTSD and panic disorder, and my being on disability something that makes me a potentially bad date/partner? Some help and advice would be nice before I decide to really put myself out there again.


Thanks ladies!


Drew
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:45 PM   #2
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Default

Hi Drew,

Kudos to you for being courageous enough to put this out here.

So...first....any femme who is rejecting you out of hand over your lack of financial security isn't worth having. Sorry, but that's how I see it. You're a person, not a checkbook or a 401K.

Second, sure...you have issues. Which of us doesn't? The main question, for me, is are you working on it? Or are you wallowing in it? Seems to me like you're working on it...and that deserves respect and consideration.

The date issue...kind of like the checkbook thing...dates are about getting to know the other person, having some fun together, spending some time. An expensive dinner or concert doesn't make it a good date...the connection made does. Any femme worth her salt should be seeing you for you...and not weighing out what you can give her.

Lots of fun things can be done on little or no money....popcorn and a movie at home....picnic in the park....free day at a museum...coffee and talking at a local diner... going for a walk in a pretty part of town...

I say don't give up....just look for a femme with a little more depth and character. I wish you all the best.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:01 PM   #3
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Lightbulb Thoughts

It's up to you to put yourself out there, nothing we can say is going to guarantee you a hassle free dating experience.. That's the whole point of dating, you go out, get together, hang out to get to know one another, and if there are differences (such as the monetary one) then you *know* that it isn't gonna pan out for a long term relationship, and that's OK cause you're only dating and seeing who could be a good match.

It's not the Femme's fault or yours for her being honest about things maybe she likes to travel and can only afford herself and not both so therefore she figures this is not going to be a long term for her.

I say keep dating, don't place any expectations on dates other than, maybe you will have a second one if things go well.... Sometimes it may take 10 dates it all depends how quick people get into the nitty gritty of the I want's and must have lists..

Anyways, good luck to ya, dating is a fucking blast!
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:04 PM   #4
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Default

justjo gives great advice.

i'm not femme but i'd like to share this ... bottom line ...
we only need money for health and daily living expenses ...
the rest is a luxury ...
the rest is love.

you are special. you deserve. keep going forward.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:07 PM   #5
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Question Why not

Ask the butches and guys too? I mean you can't be the only single guy/butch on BFP with this issue, there has to be butches/guys who don't bring in a lot of dough or who have a fixed in come.. I would of asked my bro's how they handle it or handled it when they were/ are dating...

Anyways, it's something we all go through. dating that is..
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:10 PM   #6
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Default

First, I agree that judging someone on their money or lack thereof is a poor excuse to turn down a date. There are so many free things to do, that's no excuse.

Not to defend this woman's actions, but perhaps she was afraid of what would happen if you had an attack with her? Are you on treatment to prevent them? I could see her point, that it would be like dating someone with uncontrolled seizures, and she did not want to attempt that. Emotional volatility can put some off. And you say she's a friend, maybe that was just saying "I don't want to date a friend". I wouldn't come right out and condemn her, even if her turn-down was ham handed.

All that said, keep putting yourself out there and you'll have dates where those issues don't matter.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:13 PM   #7
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Default Hmmm

Quote:
Originally Posted by macele View Post
justjo gives great advice.

i'm not femme but i'd like to share this ... bottom line ...
we only need money for health and daily living expenses ...
the rest is a luxury ...
the rest is love.

you are special. you deserve. keep going forward.
I'm gonna be the buzz kill here cause I have to be honest, it's ok to want to have money for other things, like traveling, events, eating out, dancing, a long drive for the weekend. It's ok for ANYONE to say hey, this isn't gonna work because we lead different lives, so no not for all people is money for just living, health for some it's about fun, trips, and dates...

This thread reminds me of your other thread drew

"Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?"


Which the whole premise about dating a Femme properly takes money...
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:17 PM   #8
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow View Post
I'm gonna be the buzz kill here cause I have to be honest, it's ok to want to have money for other things, like traveling, events, eating out, dancing, a long drive for the weekend. It's ok for ANYONE to say hey, this isn't gonna work because we lead different lives, so no not for all people is money for just living, health for some it's about fun, trips, and dates...

This thread reminds me of your other thread drew

"Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?"


Which the whole premise about dating a Femme properly takes money...
Like I said, I operated under that assumption for years, that dating a Femme properly takes money. I have had so many people tell me differently, that I was beginning to change my mind and think that maybe I could date someone and find a partner even though I don't have much money. When I got shot down, partially for that very reason, it messed with my head.

Oh, and the reason I am asking Femmes is because they are my dating pool, not butches and transguys.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:21 PM   #9
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Red face Dating!

Quote:
Originally Posted by atomiczombie View Post
Like I said, I operated under that assumption for years, that dating a Femme properly takes money. I have had so many people tell me differently, that I was beginning to change my mind and think that maybe I could date someone and find a partner even though I don't have much money. When I got shot down, partially for that very reason, it messed with my head.

Oh, and the reason I am asking Femmes is because they are my dating pool, not butches and transguys.


I wasn't talking about *dating* them I was more opening up the convo for their experiences too since we ALL date regardless of how we identify or our monetary situation.

Anyways, good luck with the dating, I think the more you put yourself out there and the more you date the bigger the chance you will find the right one for you..

Sometimes it takes kissing a lot of froggies before you find your

Good Luck!!
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:31 PM   #10
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Smile FYI

FYI- It is true that money does matter. We can all say that it doesn't but in this country money= security. With that said- some of the very best and most memorable dates I have had did not cost any money. Dates to the lake for a picnic (maybe corny sounding) but very romantic.
I think that if you give it some time and patience the right woman will come along that can see past the anxiety and see you for the great person you are and what you have to offer. Just relax and let it happen. One thing I often have to remind myself. Is that if someone you think you want doesn't work out- It means it wasn't meant to be and there is someone BETTER meant for you.. I struggle with that some times. I want everything to be in my time.. Thats just not how it works ... Hope this helps. Just my take on things. Good luck!!
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:34 PM   #11
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Default

I was typing out a reply similar to Jo's so I'll second hers but I want to add something: I wouldn't place someone who receives SSI in the same category as someone who is unemployed due to lack of motivation in life. I also wouldn't judge someone with a mental health diagnosis any more than I would someone with a physical disability.

You're honest about the difficulties you face in life, which is admirable because not everyone is. Some people value that much higher than how much money someone makes or how comfortable they feel in a crowd.

I'm sure it was difficult to finally take the risk and have the first person you asked out reinforce all of your own insecurities about yourself (and I hope you two are still friends, because I can respect her honesty, as well), but I think if it's something you want you should keep trying.

Good luck on your adventures!
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:36 PM   #12
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Thumbs up

I agree with the Lady Snow, it usually does take some money to date properly..but I will say that money isn't everything..maybe in the beginning it may be of some importance but in the end it means very little if what you have together is beautiful...the only thing i have to say about money (in a relationship) is you don't have to have tons but if you move in together at least one of you has to be good at managing whatever you make between the two of you..and for that matter just because you don't make gobs of money doesn't mean you don't manage what you do have..if you do then i think this is not a real issue..

If your therapist is telling you, you are ready and you are feeling positive enough to try; put yourself out there and fly..i think you will be surprised how good that will feel..even though no doubt you'll have some issues here & there..its worth it..
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:39 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thamca74 View Post
FYI- It is true that money does matter. We can all say that it doesn't but in this country money= security. With that said- some of the very best and most memorable dates I have had did not cost any money. Dates to the lake for a picnic (maybe corny sounding) but very romantic.
I think that if you give it some time and patience the right woman will come along that can see past the anxiety and see you for the great person you are and what you have to offer. Just relax and let it happen. One thing I often have to remind myself. Is that if someone you think you want doesn't work out- It means it wasn't meant to be and there is someone BETTER meant for you.. I struggle with that some times. I want everything to be in my time.. Thats just not how it works ... Hope this helps. Just my take on things. Good luck!!
You know, my short term financial stability isn't great, in that I don't have a decent income. I am quite poor. However, some day when my parents and my dad's sister (my aunt) pass, I will inherit a sum of money with which I will be able to buy a house outright and live comfortably for the rest of my life. So I do, in a sense, have a retirement plan, as much as I don't want to think of it, because I love my folks and my aunt very much and don't want to lose them.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:47 PM   #14
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Default honor what you feel inside~

Hey Drew,
What comes to my mind reading your post is do "you" feel ready? In your heart are you feeling strong enough to surf the waves of dating? Weather it goes well or leads to more, can you feel OK inside yourself at this time with what ever happens?

Rather than making official dates, maybe a gentler approach could be establishing close intimate friendships with femmes that you want to know better, and let it unfold naturally. Go dutch and have fun and get your social feet planted again. That's where it all starts anyway. Baby steps?

From what I have seen (and forgive me here) there are a lot of people "out there" who probably shouldn't be dating for one emotional reason or another. The fact that you are capable of honest introspection and questioning says a lot in your favor, to me.

hugz~
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:54 PM   #15
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Lots of good advice and i'll add my humble 2 cents.

I say, as well as others here, go for it. Having money or not having money is not of consequence to a lot people. To some it is.

My only advice would be.....be upfront about it. Not like the first date exactly, but early on IF there are feelings that can be groomed. It does sound like you are doing that, just wanted to make sure.

I'm with the ones that say money does matter, but only if you are led to believe one thing and then find out it's a whole other ballgame once you get going. I, personally would not stay in a relationship where i was the only one working and paying for everything. Or where we both had an income and still i was the only one paying for everything. I just wouldn't. Everyone has their own opinion, I'm just being honest. But, again, sounds like you do have some income so it's probably not the case.

As was said in another thread along these lines, if something happens to my partner WHILE we are together, that's different. Hopefully, we would have a second plan and some savings. I wouldn't leave them, i'm not that much of a hard ass.

Like Snowy said, some people like to travel and do things that cost some small change. It could be as simple as different ways of life. But, if you are open at the beginning about money AND about your emotional status...it will save heartache down the road for everyone involved.

Honesty is always the best policy....

You will find her.

Good luck to you.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:55 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Passionaria View Post
Hey Drew,
What comes to my mind reading your post is do "you" feel ready? In your heart are you feeling strong enough to surf the waves of dating? Weather it goes well or leads to more, can you feel OK inside yourself at this time with what ever happens?

Rather than making official dates, maybe a gentler approach could be establishing close intimate friendships with femmes that you want to know better, and let it unfold naturally. Go dutch and have fun and get your social feet planted again. That's where it all starts anyway. Baby steps?

From what I have seen (and forgive me here) there are a lot of people "out there" who probably shouldn't be dating for one emotional reason or another. The fact that you are capable of honest introspection and questioning says a lot in your favor, to me.

hugz~
Thank you. I just want to date and meet people. I have just not been sure if I am someone that Femmes would find datable given my issues, hence this thread. Thanks for the encouragement!
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:09 PM   #17
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As Jo previously stated, a lot, for me; has to do with insight. Does the person I am dating know that they have issues and are they actively doing self-examination and "doing the work" to get a handle on it? Are they basic issues that many of us deal with? Are they stable on medication? Is it a major mental illness?

A few months ago, a butch on a dating site sent me an email and shared with me her history of Bipolar disorder, personality disorder and multiple psychiatric hospitalizations. I appreciated the honesty but for me, that situation was way more than I felt that I wanted to deal with. I needed to nicely state that I did not think I would be able to give her what she needed.

For a first date, I would not want to know all about someone's emotional and financial situation. At that stage, you are looking to see if you have things in common, can communicate and have chemistry. Full disclosure comes once you know that those things in place.

On a first date, fun and conversation is the primary objective. It does not cost a lot of money to have fun!

She may ask you what you do for a living. It is ok to simply state on that first date, "I am a carpenter by trade but am currently not working". If she asks for additional information, you can answer honestly to your comfort level but don't bombard her with every last detail. You can always be direct: "Is that a problem for you?". It is better to know for sure, than to need to guess.

I was scared to death when I first started dating again but it was the best thing I had done for myself in years. I also was rejected once when I first started dating and had made the first move. Luckily, I did not let it deter me and I gamely plugged along and am very happy now.

Best of luck
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:16 PM   #18
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Not femme either, but I do think it depends on the circles you move in as far as the money thing. If you move in queer circles that are largely made up of people who make a certain kind of living, it's quite likely that they'll expect to date someone who also makes a similar amount as they do.

If you're around working class people, people who are below the poverty line etc. "dating" and relationships are going to look very different. Not every femme is going to expect you or want you to be what middle and upper class people call "financially stable." Some will, some won't.

I think emotional stability is more important than financial stability. But it sounds like you're working on that aspect of your life, and those close to you are noticing by encouraging you to start dating again. So I would see that as a positive sign in itself and go for it, if you feel up to it. Don't be discouraged if someone has different monetary values than you do. Just look elsewhere. Not everyone sees the world the same way, or dating/relationships/fuckbuddying the same way.
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Old 01-12-2012, 07:39 PM   #19
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FYI- It is true that money does matter. We can all say that it doesn't but in this country money= security.
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Originally Posted by atomiczombie View Post
You know, my short term financial stability isn't great, in that I don't have a decent income. I am quite poor. However, some day when my parents and my dad's sister (my aunt) pass, I will inherit a sum of money with which I will be able to buy a house outright and live comfortably for the rest of my life. So I do, in a sense, have a retirement plan, as much as I don't want to think of it, because I love my folks and my aunt very much and don't want to lose them.
You know what is funny, Drew? When I read the first line of Thamca's post my thought was....well, Drew's income is A LOT more secure than my own! I could get fired or laid off. My subsequent unemployment could run out and I could have no income.

Your income is MORE SECURE than mine b/c you know for sure that you will keep getting yours. I don't even know if social security is going to be around by the time I retire. People that are already receiving social security (or social security disability), will most likely not lose it or face a reduction.

So a lack of financial security? I think not!

Keep on keepin' on my friend. It is not what you make, but how you manage what you do make.

ETA: When it comes to your mental health, you know if you are ready better than anyone else. I would much prefer to be with a partner who is aware of their mental health issues and managing them, than a partner who may have less severe mental health issues but has no awareness and does not take accountability for them. Good luck.
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Old 01-12-2012, 08:38 PM   #20
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HI there,
Well, being femme and having been in a similiar situation before with a partner who did not make a lot of money (self employed and worked when she wanted to, also subject to panic attacks) I thought I would give my two cents.
This relationship worked really well cause we complimented each other in areas where the other was weak. I worked full time, she took care of the house, yard and kid, basically a stay at home dad.

I dont need much to make me happy, someone that listens, and understands and knows when I need space and when i need held. To me this is more important that what one might be able to buy. Had a gf once that was forever buying me jewelry, which I never wore before. The best times I have ever had going out was just sitting by a lake, walking through the woods, country cruisin and nibblin finger foods. Some of the best gifts I haved gotten were just little notes that were hidden where I would find them.

If there are issues that need working on, it definitely sounds like you are doing so and I applaud you for that. I know many people that will never take that step and I think they may suffer for it.

Now for the long term pic. Since I am one of the many people only two checks away from being homeless, the only thing that matters to me in monetary terms is that who ever I may be with contribute what they can without blowing everything they make on just the things they want and expecting me to pay for everything. If issues arise, I would want to talk it out and try to find a solution with my partner.

I think you were great in taking that first step and I hope you don't let this make you run and never try again. You sound very nice and I wish you all the best.
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