Talking to family

[Red Dirt Girl]

Hi all. I originally posted this is the Top Surgery thread but didn't get any responses so I'm moving it here. Again, please let me know if I should post it somewhere else.

My partner is trans and is having surgery in April. I’ve been trying to come up with effective language to share this news with my family. Terms like “top surgery” and "T" and “trans” are not in my mother’s vocabulary so I don’t think “Hey Mom, partner’s having top surgery” is going to work. This conversation will also encompass a “Hey Mom, partner’s trans” component. I am not apologetic, but I am trying to be sensitive. I’m anticipating this conversation to be at the very least moderately uncomfortable and more likely quite uncomfortable and painful. (This doesn't account for coming out to neighbors, family friends, extended family, etc., which will almost definitely be much more that moderately uncomfortable.). My sister is very likely to be supportive or lovingly indifferent. One friend suggests telling sis and having sis tell mom!

Regarding surgery, I feel like the words “double mastectomy” are so loaded and cancer-implying that I’m hesitant to use them. “Boobectomy”, partner’s occasional description of upcoming procedure also seems not quite right. My mom does has some awareness of the non-traditional nature of our relationship (I refer to my partner as my lesbian husband) and my understanding of gender/gender expression as a non-linear experience (not in such enlightened, currently PC, self-aware terms, but in concept. ) I made her read Well of Loneliness and she kind of seemed to “get it” – whatever that means. Regardless, I’m still floating around in my head with all this.

So, carefully-crafted sentences aside, how do I tell my mom my partner’s trans? I am planning to do this in writing – partly for my own comfort level, partly to allow the info to settle in without me sitting right there next to my mom nervously awaiting love and understanding or rejection and grossed outness (or any combination in between). I’m interested in feedback from anyone willing to share – trans folks, partners of trans folks, butch, femme, TG butch, gender-nonspecific, queer, other, etc… How did you tell the people who matter to you? How do you feel about the approach you took? How did it go? Did it go as you expected? Better? Worse? Anything you’d do differently? I know every situation is different. I'm not looking for an indisputable formula, just thoughts and insights based on your particular experiences.

Thank you so much in advance for any replies! If you are more comfortable PMing me, please feel free.