Shit Heard Around this House!!

[StrongButch]

Do you eat peanut butter on everything. Um no theres ketcup,salt,pepper ,sugar and salsa (lol)

[Mister Bent]

Maria, not a fan of sand, hot sun, or crowds:

"Their conversation is the soundtrack from the production of Hell."

"This is the waiting room to Hell."

"Do I look Goth enough?"



We'll go back to the beach in winter...

[pinkgeek]

"....you just made my god damn fuckin' eyebrow hurt...."

[pajama]

Me: Yeah, it needs something, it's kinda boring.
The Boy: You could paint it pink.
Me: No, the pink would clash with the red. Maybe camo.
The Boy: Nothing says "butch" like a pink camo truck.

LOL That kid cracks me up.

[princessbelle]

Packing for reunion...

Bully "Oh i like these shorts, let's pack these"
Belle "Ok, which shirt do you wear with them"
Bully "What do you mean? Any of my shirts go with them"
Belle "No they don't. Pick out a shirt that matches and we will pack them together"

Bully holds up a random shirt

Belle "No, that is black not blue it doesn't match those shorts, it matches your blue shorts"

Bully "Oh dear god i never knew packing was so intense and complicated."

Belle: *thinking...how did she ever get by without me. :|

[Hollylane]

What I said:

"Baby, my shoulder hurts pretty badly. I can't even pick up the coffee pot to pour my coffee this morning"

The part she thought that she heard:

"I can't even lick the coffee pot"

to which I said:

"I'm not that desperate for coffee this morning baby" :|

[girl_dee]

Syr : "We need a bigger fuckery suitcase"

:|

[DamonK]

Bear to girl: you can take my cane if you can get off the crutches. The big black one. It'll match your dresses.

Me: Oh boy.

Bear to girl: just don't go swinging it around. It's heavy duty 10 pounds.

Girl laughs

Me: blink blink.

Me wandering off, muttering: don't nobody piss her off in little rock

[ruffryder]

Z talking to our pup about getting in the blankets next to me: Babygirl, what's wrong, is daddy tooting.

Me: Babe I think you toot more.

Five minutes later I toot. LOL :fart: :rofl:

[starryeyes]

Me: hey babe, can we stay at the Bareback inn again for your birthday?

Justin: the what!?

Me: the Bareback inn??

Justin: (laughing) don't you mean the Back Bay Inn?

Me: Ohhh hahahaha!

*red face*

[pinkgeek]

"I love you very much.."
"Prove it...."
"I prove it everyday by not killing you..."
:praying:

[Kenna]

me: have you shook that headache? didn't want to wake you.

friend: I'm awake. It's still here. I'll take more meds around 10 tonight.

me: sorry, sexy

friend: thanks sweets. not looking too good right this minute. lol

me: like Droopy?

friend : pretty much

me: NO PUPPY TREATS FOR YOU..only rest and meds!

friend : lol..ok

[ruffryder]

Babe you're gonna wear me out. I'm out for the count. ;)

[ruffryder]

Me: everybody likes my chorizo.

Zimmeh: Yea, but I get it everyday.

*snicker .. I was talking about the food! LMAO

[CharmingButch25]

No sex before breakfast is what I told the girl this morning.... So she burst out laughing

[princessbelle]

Belle: Do you think Christina Aguilera is pretty?

Bully: Yeah, she's pretty, but.... not as pretty as you. :insert cheesy grin:

*+46637256352 points.

(Yes, that's right, she is coming right along. ;) )

[ruffryder]

Z and I discussing what we may do Sunday.

Z: Let's go watch the game.

Me: You don't want to go to the Universal Horror nights?

Me: Ohh the game might be scarier (Denver @ NE)

Me: *thinking* damn my babe would rather watch the game.. I score either way!! lol :)

[Zimmeh]

Papi: "I blew it up" :blink::passinggas:

Me: Going into our second bathroom to brush my teeth and leaving Hym in the living room.

[CharmingButch25]

My mom talking to the baby " hold on baby grandpa has to turn me on"
I burst out laughing
She said to me" your sick I meant my oxygen tank" lol

[cinnamongrrl]

Me: Squinting at my fortune from my fortune cookie. "Baby, I can't read this."

Teddy: Do you need your glasses?

Me: STILL trying not to need my glasses to read it. "Oh. Its Chinese."

:|

Teddy: Oh you cant read Chinese?? :jester:

[Lady Pamela]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/67187_10152109359325618_831660406_n.jpg

My daughters Skeleton in his Princess Pull-Up because my 2yr old grandaughter said

"His butt showing Momma, he needs diaper"

[aishah]

chris: I promise I'm not turning metrosexual or anything. I'm holding off on tshirt buying because I'm sort of inbetween sizes.
me: sugar bear, you are way past metrosexual.
me: (i guess i should hold off on calling you metrosexual til AFTER i stop asking you favors :D)
chris: WUT
chris: I am NOT metrosexual.
me: honey. honey. you have more hair products than i have products for my whole body.
chris: ERMYGOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STYLE IT WITHOUT PRODUCT?
me: how'm i supposed to know? i just roll out of bed and look fabulous.
chris: And all I have is gel, mousse, water wax, rewind, fiber, and pomade.

(and he forgot to list dandruff shampoo, colorstay shampoo, and scent-free shampoo, all of which have corresponding conditioner bottles. that's totally not including the deodorant and other things. it's a good thing my apartment has two bathrooms and a ginormous cabinet, is all i'm saying.)

[DapperButch]

chris: I promise I'm not turning metrosexual or anything. I'm holding off on tshirt buying because I'm sort of inbetween sizes.
me: sugar bear, you are way past metrosexual.
me: (i guess i should hold off on calling you metrosexual til AFTER i stop asking you favors :D)
chris: WUT
chris: I am NOT metrosexual.
me: honey. honey. you have more hair products than i have products for my whole body.
chris: ERMYGOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STYLE IT WITHOUT PRODUCT?
me: how'm i supposed to know? i just roll out of bed and look fabulous.
chris: And all I have is gel, mousse, water wax, rewind, fiber, and pomade.

(and he forgot to list dandruff shampoo, colorstay shampoo, and scent-free shampoo, all of which have corresponding conditioner bottles. that's totally not including the deodorant and other things. it's a good thing my apartment has two bathrooms and a ginormous cabinet, is all i'm saying.)

Yep, he's metrosexual. Not a bad thing, however!

[aishah]

chris: You have your own special stuff with each person, right?
me: *ponders* i dunno? we can have special stuff if you want, depending on what it is :)
chris: Well like...you don't use the same lines or the same boobs or stuff with every person you're dating, right?
me: ...you know my boobs aren't removable, right?

[BullDog]

Bully: OMG Rachel and the Yankees are going to be on at the same time tonight, what will I do?

Belle: Well put it this way, Rachel is only an hour. The way baseball moves they won't even have their gloves on yet.

Bully: :|

(will tape the game)

[JustJo]

More of a "shit seen around this house"....

Skye is in the other room, chewing a rawhide.

Spirit is sitting next to me as I eat an apple with peanut butter.

I give Spirit a tiny bite.

What does she do? She carries this tiny morsel into the other room, and sits down to eat it directly in front of Skye's face.

Skye trots out and gives me the "what did you give sissy?" look.

I give her a bite.

Spirit comes back.

They both share the last bite of my snack.

:blink:

Who's in charge around here anyway? :seeingstars:

[FemmeBibliophile]

More of a "shit seen around this house"....

Skye is in the other room, chewing a rawhide.

Spirit is sitting next to me as I eat an apple with peanut butter.

I give Spirit a tiny bite.

What does she do? She carries this tiny morsel into the other room, and sits down to eat it directly in front of Skye's face.

Skye trots out and gives me the "what did you give sissy?" look.

I give her a bite.

Spirit comes back.

They both share the last bite of my snack.

:blink:

Who's in charge around here anyway? :seeingstars:

Okay... That sounds like my house. Majorly!

[Little Fish]

The other night, the 8yo mancub and I are eating Jello together.

"Mommy, do you know what the coolest thing is about Jello?"

"Nope, tell me..."

"It's efficient."

Me: *stops eating, slowly turns to look at him* "Who. Are. You.---What does that even mean??? "

he dissolves into giggles...

[pinkgeek]

--I'm hungry...Do I have enough leverage for pancakes?

-You are adorable... I'm working on levitating some pancakes.. You did say levitating didn't you?

:blink:

[GreeneyedMe]

Between me and my 8yo son:


Me: "Because I'm the adult and you're the child. That's why."

Him: "Mom, you're a pain in my attitude!"


(shaking my head and quietly giggling as he stomps off....)

[bright_arrow]

Hym: I get to fuck you tonight, woohoo! *dances*
(please note, our schedules have not been aligned for about a month now, so sometimes planning is required!)
Me: *raised eyebrow* Uhm yeah.. Who else would?
Hym: *leaning down to give me a kiss before hy takes dogs out* Well, I would be just as happy cuddling you.
Me: Are you telling me you'd rather cuddle?
Hym: No.. I am just not feeling too well right now.
Me: We can cuddle if you need to cuddle. There is always tomorrow night. I can put your needs before my wants!
Hym: But I want what you need!

And this is how we negotiate in our house! :sunglass:

[BoDy*ShOt]

my workmate and i casually chatting about the iPhone..

her: hey- did you know that emoticons are uploaded into the iPhone?
me: Huh? you mean you have an emoticon application?
her: no- i said built in *giving me a look*
me: really? where are they located at?
her: all you have to do is click on the lil plant thingy..
me: let me see your phone.
*so i take it and proceed to compare hers to mine*
me: *after a few minutes* AH HA! i found it! *take a few more minutes and hand her her phone back*
her: how'd you do that so fast?
me: i don't know.. i just figured it out that it was a language and added it to my settings..
her: WOW. *holding her phone up* these things really *do* make you smarter!

we proceed to crack the hell up at that!! (smart phones..smarter.. get it?)
LOLOLOLOLOL

[Kenna]

Me: what did you take for lunch?

I think I hear Blade say "minner cheese"

Me: what? say that again?

Blade: minner cheese.

Me: what is MINNER cheese?

Blade: you know.. that cheese with stuff in it

Me: oh you mean PIMENTO cheese? I thought you meant something with fish in it! like little slimy minnows! !! *LAUGHING HARD!! * minner cheese! !

Blade: yeah... (with 'you should know' tone) minner

Me: you crack me up! You're accent's so funny sometimes!

Blade : you always pick on me

Me : MINNER cheese! !

[princessbelle]

Bully, just waking up. Stumbling with eyes closed to get coffee.
Belle, chipper as always, chatty.

Belle "Hey what do you think about Louis Armstrong?"
Bully "huh?"
Belle "Haven't you heard about all the hoopla about him allegedly using drugs?"
Bully "No"
Belle "There is a report out that he is using drugs and had a blood transfusion this past summer"
Bully, opening one eye and pouring coffee "You are not making any sense."
~ pause
Bully "Do you mean Lance Armstrong?"
Belle "Oh yeah, that's it"
Bully "I can't handle these conversations this early. I thought you had lost your mind, Louis Armstrong has been dead for several years."

[Jess]

her: "oh this roasted squash crostini looks wonderful"
me: "that is pretty"
her: "these squash grow wild all over the island"
me: "you know, that's a lot of work for a piece of toast"
her: "go away, I'm not talking to you"
her brother: "yeah it is.. what! it's true!"
her: "i hate you both"
:byebye:

[aishah]

Chris: I don't want to go anywhere over thanksgiving, but I'd love to Skype with you. I just don't want to deal with my family. 3:30 PM
Me: then tell her you can't go because school is busy and you're spending christmas with me. 3:30 PM
Me: you shouldn't make yourself miserable over the holidays to please anyone. 3:31 PM
Chris: Really? I thought holidays were all about fighting families. 3:33 PM
Me: well, as someone who's spent the last 6 or 7 holiday seasons having fun all by myself, i have to disagree with that :) 3:34 PM
Chris: I wanna have sexy time with you. I wanna put on a turkey suit and have sex. 3:39 PM
Me: ooh, a turkey suit?!!! be still my heart. 3:39 PM

[cinnamongrrl]

Teddy: Do you know what the Yes channel is? (on direct tv)

Me: Nope. Porn maybe?

Teddy: (laughing) Well it's down in the sports section!


Guess I dont know my porn stations that well after all..... or what we actually have on Direct tv for that matter :| When there's a brazilian channels it's hard to know what's what.....

[cinnamongrrl]

teddy; i think bud went in the cellar but i cant find him

me; what if a monster ate him??

teddy; well, i went down there and nothing happened...

me; what if the monster only likes furry tributes?

teddy; well then lets put angel (my daughter's naughty cat} down there!

minutes later......

teddy; i hear the kitten got a new home....

toooo much coincidence for my liking....

[Teddybear]

teddy; i think bud went in the cellar but i cant find him

me; what if a monster ate him??

teddy; well, i went down there and nothing happened...

me; what if the monster only likes furry tributes?

teddy; well then lets put angel (my daughter's naughty cat} down there!

minutes later......

teddy; i hear the kitten got a new home....

toooo much coincidence for my liking....

hey ur daughter told me the kitten got a new home so if it got eaten by the monster in the basement it is HER fault not mine

[BullDog]

Belle teaching her new "smart phone" her Southern TN drawl

Belle: let's go to the store and buy some eggs

Phone: let's go to the store after mating

:D

[princessbelle]

Belle teaching her new "smart phone" her Southern TN drawl

Belle: let's go to the store and buy some eggs

Phone: let's go to the store after mating

:D

It really did say that. Weird!!!!! Southern drawl or not. EGGS do not sound like mating!!! Surely my speech isn't THAT bad!!!!

PS i think Bully has been messin with my phone!!!!!!

[BullDog]

LOL your smart phone understands me, ha ha.

[girl_dee]

me to Syr as She is commenting about the smacking sound coming from the hamburger prep place.

*gotta slap the meat to get the air out, Syr*

:|

[WingsOnFire]

Belle teaching her new "smart phone" her Southern TN drawl

Belle: let's go to the store and buy some eggs

Phone: let's go to the store after mating

:D

OH MY GODDESS DID I NEED THIS LAUGH!!! This cracked me up so much.. I needed that.. thank you..

[Teddybear]

Cinnamongrl563 and I r sitting around talking about old football players and I brought up an old Ga football player this is how the exchange went:


Me: do u know who Herschel Walker is?
Cinn: of course I do
Me: I have met him and used to live about 20 miles from him. He went to the University of Georgia
Cinn: too bad Ga doeant have a football team
:hospital-snoopy: :/

[cinnamongrrl]

Cinnamongrl563 and I r sitting around talking about old football players and I brought up an old Ga football player this is how the exchange went:


Me: do u know who Herschel Walker is?
Cinn: of course I do
Me: I have met him and used to live about 20 miles from him. He went to the University of Georgia
Cinn: too bad Ga doeant have a football team
:hospital-snoopy: :/

ummmmm I MEANT....an NFL team...Idk how I possibly forgot about the Falcons....as much as I keep hearing about how much better their record is than the PATS.....

[pinkgeek]

me: what are you doing with a belt and a cigarette..
J: I'm....I'm trying to beat the cigarette..oh god why isn't the coffee done..

<It's pretty rare anyone makes less sense than me in the morning, but today Jess won by a landslide and then some.....>

[princessbelle]

Bully: Wow this storm and arctic air running around is gonna reek havoc on people and OMG what it may do to the turnips in Ohio!!!

Belle: Are turnips that important to you? For real?

Bully: :|

moments pass.....Bully staring at me without blinking, slowly starts levitating two feet off the ground and floats towards me as her head turns in a complete circle 7 times.

Speaking slowly...

Bully: the TURNOUT!!! NOT turnips!!!! THE ELECTION OMG THE ELECTION TURNOUT!!!!

~ Geewhiz

[Fatale]

Shouted to my cat who has been madly digging in the litter box for what seems an eternity, "If you don't stop that infernal digging I'm having cat kabobs for dinner!"

[macele]

Bully: Wow this storm and arctic air running around is gonna reek havoc on people and OMG what it may do to the turnips in Ohio!!!

Belle: Are turnips that important to you? For real?

Bully: :|

moments pass.....Bully staring at me without blinking, slowly starts levitating two feet off the ground and floats towards me as her head turns in a complete circle 7 times.

Speaking slowly...

Bully: the TURNOUT!!! NOT turnips!!!! THE ELECTION OMG THE ELECTION TURNOUT!!!!

~ Geewhiz





that's just funny now, ... whew i mean totally funny LOL

[princessbelle]

that's just funny now, ... whew i mean totally funny LOL

What makes it funnier, is if you knew Bully, in real life, you could totally see this happening.

And.

It did.

LOL

[macele]

right, understood lol.

i can see and hear a southern person doing what you did LOL. and it's turnip greens season, ... you've heard folks talking about turnips or you've ate them. i've ate them.

very funny, indeed. you need to re tell that forever.

[ruffryder]

my babe putting out halloween candy:

- There's the candy in case kids show up.

Me:

- What? It's not Halloween.

Her:

- They usually do it on the weekends.

Me:

- Ok. Halloween is Wednesday, but It's good to know in case I hear knocking on the door and wonder what the hell is going on.

:blink:

[RNguy]

My wife : honey everyday is like Christmas for me bc I ask and you just get it for me .

Me : baby if everyday is like Christmas then how come I still don't have my new remington hunting rifle or my jeep Willy ?????

My wife : well daddy maybe everyday for you is Halloween bc I do keep you stocked with candy and make you treats a lot .

Me : honey , I'd trade Halloween for Christmas then :)

My wife : isn't the browns playing today ?

Me : way to change the subject honey

Shakes head ....

[cinnamongrrl]

Teddy and I were discussing out ancestries....

Me: You gotta admit...the Irish are a happy bunch. We have a great sense of humor.

Teddy: Yeah, but that's because they're always drinking!

ahem...... :|

[Teddybear]

cinn and i have many of these funny conversations

last nite while going to pick up her eldest child .....

cinn...i think god has a plan for cause i have missed dying several times in my life time

me... yes me too. i have cheated death several times in the last cpl yrs alone
at least 3 times within the last 10 yrs. i started listing them cancer, just this past sept, and i kept listing them at the same time cinn and i said

were married to a crazy woman who tried at times wanted to kill me

we both started laughing hystericaly

[chakra]

Saturday my phone mysteriously shut down and froze.

Hours later it decided to mysteriously work.

I listened to a message from my son: "Mom, your phone is fucked. Call me"

:| <- hmmmmm now how can I do that with a broken phone. :blink:

[bright_arrow]

*Phoebe comes racing over and scoots her butt across the carpet.. I look at her, slightly horrified, and then smell poop*

Me: Uh, she just scooted her ass across the carpet.. EW! I think..
Abby: I smell poop.
Bard: Yeah, she did right by the door.
Me: Ewwww.
Bard: Maybe she had a cling-on from Uranus.
Me: OMG..
Abby: *..takes a minute then starts laughing* From Uranus! Your anus! And it comes from your anus!
Me: Oh my god, this is going into the overheard thread...

[girl_dee]

Gemme in the lingerie thread

"i like it without the pants"

[pinkgeek]

Me: They aren't perfect!
Jess: it's a bakesale, they are supposed to look home made.
Me: No! We are queers - the cookies are supposed to be perfect.

[BoDy*ShOt]

yesterday at work, I took refuge in my friend's office, where I am advised one of the saddest things I've ever heard:

me (tears): okay .. so I am having a slight emotional thing. I'm going to sit here with my back to the window, you just ignore the tears and look like you're talking to me. (waterworks wide open)

him: uh.. fidget fidget *talking nonsense just to look like he's talking to me* (he was quite the trooper for about 10 minutes)

me (finally): okay (voice still a lil catchy) I think the involuntary tears are done (we laugh a lil bit at my comment)

he wants to know what the he££ is up, so I tell him.. blaa, blaa, blaa..at the end I say;

me: lord. it's been a good minute since I've shed tears like this..

him: (he looks really hard at me for a second): Kimmy, it's b/c you still have 'hope'.. that little bit of hope that someone's not going to let you down.. you're just not jaded enough.

me: stupid hope. *deep, teary sigh*

[girl_dee]

me: " gonna grab a little cereal"
Syr" "don't trip over my gun"

:|

[genghisfawn]

We are trying to leave the house but I'm still gathering up the gimcracks I need...

Hym: Wallet? Keys? Phone?

Me: Oh poo. My phone. I don't know where it is.

Hym: Bathroom? Kitchen? Other coat?

Me: I have no idea. Could you please call it?

Hym: Um. *reaches for hys phone, and I continue to gather my shinies*

Hym: You know, when I was at Dollarama the other day, I noticed they sold condoms.

Me: *aghast* Wow. I'd trust that like I'd trust a balloon with a nail in it. Did you see any cool toys? What about those spatulas I like? Spatulae? Ugh. *flustered*

Hym: *opens the door as I wander out* There. Distracted you out the door.

[macele]

me: " gonna grab a little cereal"
Syr" "don't trip over my gun"

:|




i don't know what is exactly funny about this, ... but it is LOL. doesn't matter. it's funny LOL.

[genghisfawn]

Hym: If we're consolidating our households in the new year, I'm afraid I'll need TV.

Me: I have a TV.

Hym: No, baby... a cable subscription.

Me: I have never paid for cable in my life.

Hym: You get it for free? *smiles*

Me: No, dumbass, you know I don't do TV.

Hym: Well, I'll pay for it. What am I going to do when you're out with your friends? Sit around and read or knit or something?

Me: *dumbfounded* That's... what I do... generally... so...

Hym: ...

Me: ...

Hym: *winning smile* TV?

[pinkgeek]

While getting ready to go swimming.....

*spaying myself*

J: what's that? Bug spray?
Me: yes come here..
*spray spray spray*
J: wtf it tastes awful - what is that shit really?
*looks at bottle*
J: Jesus God honey its sunscreen! SPF 70? Why don't you just wear a coat!
Me: the pool people frown on me wearing a coat - I tried.
J: Of course you did....

[princessbelle]

Belle and Bella busting into the bedroom and jumping on the bed where Bully is sleeping.

Belle: GOOD MORNING BABY. We tried really hard not to wake you up this morning. We waited and waited and couldn't stand it anymore cause we missed you so much!!!
Bully: (grumbling)
Belle: It's a beautiful day!!!! We've been playing with toys and been outside a few times!!! Coffee's on!!!
Bully: (grumbling a little more, but laughing)
Belle *looking at the sunlight coming through the window and shining in Bully's eyes.
How can you stand that sunlight coming through the window in your face every morning?

Bully: Ummm, well, that's the least of my worries. :|

[Sachita]

Mia and I reading about Cinderella.


Me: "And the stepsisters were so mean to Cinderella and tore up her pretty dress"
Mia: ::::some baby talk first then ::: "be nice and share"
Me: "Thats right honey!

[princessbelle]

Just minutes after waking up, Bully and Belle in the kitchen talking.

Bully: Oh i think i want cinnamon toast.
Belle: I think we are out of cinnamon, but we have thyme.
Bully: Thyme doesn't go with toast.
Belle: Oh sure it does. Don't you remember the song "Thyme in a bottle"? Bread wrote that.

Bully: Honey your mouth is still asleep, you need coffee. Besides it was Jim Croce.

[bright_arrow]

It's too cold to stand around naked eating breakfast.. I knew I should of waited to take my clothes off!

[pinkgeek]

J driving me to work because I still can't drive yet....

me: I love you more than all the carbon in the universe...
J: *blink blink*
J: *pursed lips*
J: Ummm I love you more than all -that-
me: oh...... *blink blink*

[1PlayfulFemme]

chris: You have your own special stuff with each person, right?
me: *ponders* i dunno? we can have special stuff if you want, depending on what it is :)
chris: Well like...you don't use the same lines or the same boobs or stuff with every person you're dating, right?
me: ...you know my boobs aren't removable, right?

OMG! I laughed so hard! I want to like this 10 times!!!!!! That's amazing!!!!!!!

[laruss]

Me: The sun is shining and I think I just decided I need a trip across the border.
BFF: Why are you going over there? (scared face)
Me: Just for something to do. I like to wander.
BFF: Careful, I hear they kidnap and keep the sexiest lesbians. You will be a prime target.
Me: Lol, yes that is a concern (confused face)
BFF: Oh you KNOW it is!!!!!!!
Me: I will be most careful. Wait, maybe I want to be kidnapped. Then I'll be all sad when I get home safe.
BFF: But I will be all sad if you get kidnapped. Eyes Super Shaman cape.
Me: Ok, I will use my Femme invisibility to get me home safe.
BFF: Ok thank the goddess.

She really makes me laugh.

[Zimmeh]

Ruff yelling at this crazy woman who keeps running up and down the stairs, "Go Away" and her response was, "I heard that"... I sat on the couch laughing since Ruff kept yelling at this woman and our dog started barking at her... She was getting told off by a six pound Chihuahua...I gotta love this apartment complex with all of the diverse people who live here.

Zimmeh

[Gemme]

Maybe she can't afford a gym membership and is using the stairs? I dunno, but the visual you gave just cracked me up. :)

[Electrocell]

Meow --pay attention to me .

Meow meooooooooow feed me or for water knocks around dish .

Meeeeow (disgusting look ) clean the litter boxes or you'll be sorry.

[Kenna]

while going thu Wendy's drive - thru...
Me: $2.23 for a large fries?
anonymous Friend on speaker phone: why don't you just get a couple off the dollar menu?
long pause
Me: that would still be $2 bucks, you goof
Them : oh yeah, it would

I love they always find something to make me laugh

[always2late]

Through a stroke of luck, fate, and two wonderful friends...we will soon be bringing a new puppy home. Needless to say, we are both very excited! GHD has been looking at websites for dog toys, accessories, etc...

GHD: Look at this!
Me: Uh...that coat is too big for a puppy.
GHD: Oh...you're right, we'll have to wait til he gets bigger. But look at this!
Me: He's not going to need boots...besides you don't want him to get tenderfooted
GHD: Oh...you're right. BUT LOOK AT THIS!!!
Me: Sigh...honey....why would he need goggles???
GHD: They're "doggles"!
Me: Sigh

[genghisfawn]

I am drunkenly cooking bacon and eggs, M is drunkenly stuffing a stocking and watching Archer.

M: Honey, could you pass me a beer please?
Me: What am I, your beer-fetching servitude thing?
M: No, baby, you're closest to the fridge.
Me: Post feminism, my fucking ass.
Me: *picks up nearest mason jar, smells contents* This is not wine. It is water.
M: *gets up, gently moves me aside and fetches a beer*

[Little Fish]

Merry Christmas All!.....

8yo Mancub: I'm not going to do anything, I'm just LOOKING at my Chemistry Set.
Me: Okay
Mancub: I have my safety goggles on....
Me: Good !
Mancub: I'm ready to do some Science.
Me: no. I don't think so.
Mancub: Whyyyyyyyy noooot.....?!?!
Me: Because you have nothing else on.
Mancub: (looks down at his naked body only wearing underpants) Oh yeah.
:::giggles::: He returns from his room now wearing the safety goggles, underwear.....and shoes.

This is how he's dressed and eating breakfast.

[Teddybear]

gettng ready to watch "american horror story" this is the exchange

sneeze from the cat several of them

me: Bud r u ok

cinn: maybe he is allergic to the pine tree

me: bud sneezed

cinn: I know

me: what pine tree

cinn: the tree oh wait that isnt a real tree

I love her so

[Katniss]

While folding laundry a 10 year old kid voice calls out...

"Hey moooooom! I'm about to do something that the box says requires adult supervision! Does that mean you have to watch or just be in range?"

Katniss~~(tossing laundry and running off to locate voice)

[PaPa]

My marbles have fallen out of the bag and I can't find them....

[deb_U_taunt]

Niece to cousin:
'You know its getting serious when you fuck sober'

[cinnamongrrl]

gettng ready to watch "american horror story" this is the exchange

sneeze from the cat several of them

me: Bud r u ok

cinn: maybe he is allergic to the pine tree

me: bud sneezed

cinn: I know

me: what pine tree

cinn: the tree oh wait that isnt a real tree

I love her so

You seriously posted that???? OMggggg Meannie mean pants...

[Teddybear]

You seriously posted that???? OMggggg Meannie mean pants...

If I recall correctly u LOVE me even when I'm bad...wait especially when I'm bad

[cinnamongrrl]

If I recall correctly u LOVE me even when I'm bad...wait especially when I'm bad

LOL...you failed to mention I was tired...and infirmed....my iron was low :|

[ruffryder]

Zimmeh and I texting each other:

Me: How's your day?
Zimmeh: I'm about to bitch slap some people.
Me: Whoa! violence!
Zimmeh: Pms.
Me: Glad you don't act that way towards me.
Zimmeh: I wouldn't.


:)

[fishinabaggie]

:confused:

We went out to our favorite local Chinese restaurant.
We order enough to be able to bring home leftovers
for lunch the next day.

The following afternoon~

Me: Would you like any? <holding out container>

Outlaw: No! I don't want to order that again! They use dark
meat chicken instead of white meat. It was
awful. I was gagging trying to eat it!

Me: Um, honey? We ordered Tangerine Beef, not
chicken.

Outlaw: Oh. Yeah, give me that piece right there, please.
It is really good....now that I know it's beef!

[DapperButch]

Zimmeh and I texting each other:




:)

Awwwww, this is sweet.

[starryeyes]

Justin and our roommate's (who is her coworker) conversation...

Justin: hey dude, why didn't you come to work today? You ok??

Roomie: ah, well I did some extacy last night...

Really!?

8/

*shm*

[DamonK]

Heard on the phone this afternoon....

Me.... Just a sec
Friend... Sure
Me... *moving phone away, looking at the holy terror beagle.... What did you DO?! *goes over, takes whatever it was away* you aren't supposed to have that! *back to phone* I'm sorry about that
Friend... *laughing*
Me... What could possibly be so damned funny?
Friend... No, I was just saying to my partner, "i know that tone! He's talking to a dog!"
Me.... :/

[ruffryder]

At work..

Guy setting up for an event: Hey are you security?

Me: Yes.

Guy: I've been meaning to ask you something? Can I ask you something?

Me: :|

Guy: Is that illegal? Cause it should be. (as he points to a lady co-worker of his bent over and her crack is revealing and all we see is a string of underwear)

Me: Ummm.. not answering but I couldn't help but chuckle and roll my eyes. OMG!

[GreeneyedMe]

Me and my 8yo son:


Son: Mom! I played Apples to Apples!
Me: Cool, was it fun?
Son: Yes! I had to put down something that I enjoy!
Me: (never knowing what comes next)...okayyyyyy.... so what did you put down?
Son: (with a HUGE grin on his face)....CHEERLEADERS!!!
Me: :seeingstars: High fives him anyway....that's my boy!!:hangloose:

[bright_arrow]

Me: Do we have any english muffins? I'm hella hungry!
Hym: Of course! Would you like me to make you one?
Me: Would you make me two?
Hym: Absolutely! You outrank me now, I have no rank, you are a supervisor and I am a peon!

I wouldn't giggle but hy is a little intoxicated :wine:

[Bard]

I say .. you bring

[rubygirl]

Me: How about you go outside and try out your new skateboard?
Son: No, I can't
Me: Why not?
Son: There's something wrong with it
Me: What?
Son: It only goes left
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's a skateboard, what do you mean it only goes left?

Apparently there was something wrong with the wheels

[cinnamongrrl]

wayyyy early this morning, we were...talking....and heard snow plows going by

Me: did it snow??

Teddy: I don't know. Was it supposed to?

Me: I'm not sure...

Teddy: Well let's see...(reaches for his phone) :|

Me: (laughing) You're checking your phone to see if it snowed?? Whatever happened to looking out the window?!

Teddy: Well, my phone says snow...

Welcome to the age of technology...

[Teddybear]

wayyyy early this morning, we were...talking....and heard snow plows going by

Me: did it snow??

Teddy: I don't know. Was it supposed to?

Me: I'm not sure...

Teddy: Well let's see...(reaches for his phone) :|

Me: (laughing) You're checking your phone to see if it snowed?? Whatever happened to looking out the window?!

Teddy: Well, my phone says snow...

Welcome to the age of technology...

I WAS holding u my dear. I never want to let u go. U forget to tell them u did get up and look out the window and QUICKLY git back to bed to resume the snuggle fest remember

[Teddybear]

Me: How about you go outside and try out your new skateboard?
Son: No, I can't
Me: Why not?
Son: There's something wrong with it
Me: What?
Son: It only goes left
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's a skateboard, what do you mean it only goes left?

Apparently there was something wrong with the wheels

I would love to know what was wrong with them. I'm going to assume they were round

[ruffryder]

With Zimmeh's Mom. lol

A random guy to her mom: Did you work at Disney?
Her mom: Yea I was Mickey Mouse.

Later as we are driving it comes up again.

Her mom: Did you work at Disney? Yes I was the mf princess..


LMAO!

[Random]

Watching the walking dead

subway commercial comes on

bunch of people can't pronouce Feburary..

*Me... February, that's not hard to say*

*Her.... February, no that's not hard to say at all*

*Me, now spelling it... that's har... wait that's wednesday... never mind*

lucky I can laugh at myself and don't mind people joining me...

Gren

[cinnamongrrl]

My client: Grab my nuts and come watch this!

Me: :blink:

He had asked for some pistachios and wanted me to see Do No Harm, since we had already said that it looked like a good show....lol

Yes, there are many moments of comic relief in my job!

[TheMerryFairy]

Heard at work :

Client "Just hurry up and take it off, my wife could be back any minute"

Me : "Laughs to self over at the desk"

[KCBUTCH]

"that's it I'm gonna fart by you when your sleeping, lest see how you like it" said to my DOG...

AT WORK= "Just go in there and pee and leave the cup on the table there"...

[ruffryder]

last night as I'm laying in bed and Zimmeh getting ready for bed.

Zimmeh: Are you gonna get ready for bed? Are you gonna brush your teeth?

Me: No, I'm gonna have stinky breath and stay up all night.



hehe.

[jcisbutch]

youngest child....
we are not Israeli, everything you eat is sone kind of soup or stew in a
Mason jar...

mom....
curried lentils are Indian not Israeli

youngest child....
MOM I JUST NEED MEAT I DON'T CARE IF ITS ORGANIC I JUST NEED MEAT

me...
laying over the kitchen sink laughing my ass off and loving every minute of it...

later in the convo....

mom...
don't scratch your back on the wall you look like a rhino

oldest child...
then you scratch it for me right there there there there...

me...
still laughing my ass off at the 3 of them....:jester::jester:

[ruffryder]

As we're getting ready to go to the movie tonight.

Zimmeh: I can take my Vera Bradley purse/bag so we can put snacks in it.

Me: yeahhh I want candy.

Me: we should get subway sandwiches and put them in there.

LOL

Me: I can see us snacking on subway in the theatre. haha!

Zimmeh: They would know if you had onions in it. They would smell it.

Me: what.. lol. They would not know!

I want to see someone do it!

:p

[TheMerryFairy]

Heard at the market

"I keep telling my husband he should have just done it right the first time and brought me home the biggest one he could get"

[Teddybear]

After picking up the uhaul for our move to the new place this is what transpired tween ms cinn and myself

ms cinn: where is the rear view mirror? Why isnt there a rear view mirror?

me: :l

ms cinn: turns and look out the back window Oh never mind :detective:

me; laughing hysterically

[MissItalianDiva]

Up extra early today and my sister who had stayed out very late the night before comes in and asks if I can help her hide the dark circles under her eyes.

Sis: Wow I can't even see my bags anymore that is amazing I can't even see them anymore how do you do that

Me: It's an optical illusion trust me

Sis: Oh so it is kind of like tea bagging in the porn flicks

Me: (EYES WIDE WTF LOOK) ....had to walk away

[ruffryder]

at my second home, work with my second family.. lol

I took over dispatch and just as I did we get an alarm for a code 29 - fire alarm. Our officers are in the middle of shift change and are barely getting their radios and keys. Me and my mentor take over and start pushing buttons to acknowledge the alarm and start the emergency channel dispatch. As I'm trying to contact our officers to see where they are and dispatch someone to our fire command, I call for one whose call number is five zero and we call him five o. lol Later I find out he didn't grab a radio in time and he just tagged along with another officer to get to the scene asap as we only have 3 mins to respond or alarms, sirens, flashes go off for evacuation and the fire department is dispatched. So later after unsuccesfully being able to reach him by radio I say, "damn, five o is always the last to respond." We all laughed good. haha!

[cinnamongrrl]

After picking up the uhaul for our move to the new place this is what transpired tween ms cinn and myself

ms cinn: where is the rear view mirror? Why isnt there a rear view mirror?

me: :l

ms cinn: turns and look out the back window Oh never mind :detective:

me; laughing hysterically

You. Are NOT. A. NICE man.

Just sayin'.

[jcisbutch]

friend melissa...
Jace theres little hairs in the bathroom sink

me...
because i got a haircut today i need to get a shower

she...
you're tall as a tree how did you get a shower in the sink

me....
i ran my hands thru it i need a shower
she looks at me and has that what do you mean look...sigh lol love the bestie

[jcisbutch]

oldest child....
i made a delicious smoothie this morning

my sweetie ....
yeah it was diabetes in a blender.....

wth....

lol

[LaDivina]

Me: Ooo! I wonder if they make cheetoh-flavored (vaping) juice!

Scorp: Here, I'll just let you suck on my toes.

:|

[jcisbutch]

my sweetie to the youngest childs gf...
is that a vagina on your shirt??

GF...
no its a ded deer i got the at dollar general for 8 bucks for our 23 month anniversary

my sweetie....
hey we should go to cheesecake factory or pf changs

really??

and these are the days of our lives lol

love my girls!!!!!

[lillith]

I tried to tickle my 14 years old son's knee, and he said to me, "Mom, I am impervious to that." I was like who the hell, wait! When the hell did you learn that word: impervious?!

[Gemme]

..."this ain't no sparkly Twilight shit up in here"...

Context is everything, but y'all will never know. :cheesy:

[Kenna]

one coworker to the younger one after the younger one asked for 3 favors in a row..

younger one : "Can I ride with you? "
coworker who had already admitted to major PMS: "YOU'RE HANGING OFF MY LEFT TIT!!"

me: :| :| :| ... ROFLMAO!!! that did not just come from YOUR mouth! who are you?

[TheMerryFairy]

I just heard this comversation between my nephews outside through the window

Youngest "why do you think mom wants us to stay out of her room? Did she buy us gifts?"

Oldest "No, I think she got dad a gift that he gets to unwrap secretly"

Youngest "NO FAIR! I want to be the one to unwrap moms present! Do you think we'll ever get to use it?"

Oldest "let's wait a few months to find out"


Meanwhile I am sitting here spitting out my tea and trying not to crack up.

[cinnamongrrl]

While we were at the movies yesterday, the landlord called to say our BIG cat, Bud, had gotten out! He hadn't been outside at the new place yet so we hurried home....

Landlord: He's been hanging out on the deck, he's fine.

Teddy and I call him to the door.

Teddy: Get your fat ass in that house!

Me: Don't talk to me like that!

oh we do have fun.....

:sunglass:

[Gaige]

I literally just fingered the lime.

[laruss]

I had finished my studio and was putting a tarp on the floor and plastic sheeting up on the walls getting ready to paint (I am a messy abstract painter).

Girlfriend: What are you doing? What are you planning to do in here?

Me: Have you ever seen Dexter?

Girlfriend: You're kidding right? (With worried look)

Me: Piss me off and find out.

Then I laughed at her and told her it was just to protect the hardwood and paint form my mess.

She seemed very relieved... but she won't go in the studio now.

I think my plan worked.

[MissItalianDiva]

Me ...Stop sniffing me

Ex....I can't help it

Me..... FFS I am not a scratch and sniff sticker go sniff some markers

[midwest chick]

"Baby, we really need to stop coming together"

followed by:

"Well, at least we didn't do as much damage this time"

I'm never going to stand in that checkout line with hym again...especially if the same cashier is there.

[Inked_Trinity]

" Baby.... want to come out and smoke with me"
" I think it's already smokin Love!"

[Gaige]

Where’s the fucking nut cheese. I never thought I’d be looking for it.

[ruffryder]

Telling people to get out of pool and hot tub because of weather conditions (thundering, lightening, not to mention it's raining lightly at the time) and we have had tornado warnings around the area all evening and still under a tornado watch for another hour.

A man as he's in the hot tub: "Well I thought being low to the ground was the safest place to be."

Me: "Not if you're in that water and lightening strikes it." :|

I walk away and damn patio furniture starts flying striking me as I'm trying to dodge it. I run back to bar area inside and call to dispatch that the guests have been advised and we have furniture flying. I go back outside and it's pouring rain with strong wind gusts everyone is running. I run to the gate and stand there getting drenched making sure all these idiots get inside safely.

Get inside and I notice the wet sign has fallen so I pick it up, cutting my finger in the process and my glasses are covered in rain drops. The guests say, "You're lucky. You came just in time. You should play the lotto!"

Me: "I wish I could win the lotto!" :|
*thinking later* I don't get paid enough for this shit and I'll never jeopardize my life again like that if they're gonna choose to be out in these weather conditions. Of course, its just a thought. It's my job!!

[Queenie]

Me: Honey?
Calling for my husband from up the stairs.
My step daughter: I'm not your honey!

[Blade]

Camping buddy...I don't think I've ever seen one this hard!

Me..........:sunglass: :shocking:

[Inked_Trinity]

Riding roller coasters today..... " My ass came out of the seat and my boobs out of my bra!"

[midwest chick]

followed by choking gasping laughter,

then,

I think I've got them back in, do they look ok?

[midwest chick]

(overheard at the park, while in line for a coaster)

Woman: Are they taking pictures on this one?

Man: Yes, see up there? Those are the camera flashes.

Woman: Hey!!! Anyone got a mirror? That last picture of me on the Volcano was awful--my hair was a wreck. That S**t ain't happening twice in one day

[Inked_Trinity]

Today....... " I've got it all lined up, just push it in" :|

[Hollylane]

Hollylane: You are wearing your "I like it face"!

Gaige: (laughing with twinkling eyes)

Hollylane: You are not supposed to wear the "I like it face" when I do my zombie voice...:|

[always2late]

"Ew..don't put your wood on my leg!!"

*The goofy Great Dane puppy loves to find fallen tree branches to chew on...then he "gifts" whoever he happens to see first by depositing doggy drool covered, chewed-up pieces on laps

[Mopsie]

This thread is hilarious! *subscribing*

Keep the posts coming!

:goodscore:

[RNguy]

The crack of dawn this morning im not even fully awake yet

My wife : Daddy , friday we are taking chandras boys bowling and to the arcade and to the pizza place bc its their six year old birthday . Then on sat we are driving to king of prussia mall and you are taking me shopping all day bc Ive been so good , Then we are coming home sat night and doing indian food with jen and Jonathan. Then sunday , we are going to go hiking with paul and Raquel all day, Then when we come home , Raquel and I are fixing you and paul a nice dinner , Then to a movie sunday night with them , and monday we are going to the gym after work and working out Then to the park and walk , Then tuesday we will have to think of something to get into with tara and Lauren , Then Wednesday we are going to meet Laura and her partner to dinner somewhere , Then the next weekened we will go to jersey and see mom and nicole .

Me: dang baby, you didnt even pause after you said all that.

My wife : did you hear everything i said though all our plans ?

Me : um yes babe , so i should go to the bank shortly to take out alot of money bc i heard the words mall and shopping

My wife : ummmm yes Daddy exactly

[CXanderRun]

My aunt talking about a dress for church

Aunt: "Slit or no slit?"

Me: "I don't like the slit."

Aunt: " :blink: "

Me: "Uh.. shit. I'm about to go to church. SHUSH!"

Aunt: " :blink: No slit huh? :sunglass: "

Me: "Lord forgive me for I am sin... :grindevil: "

[Hollylane]

Gaige: Sorry honey, I just turned you off with my face (cellphone muted)

Hollylane: That's okay Baby, I'll make sure you make up for it later.

[midwest chick]

"I think I'll just pull it out now.
Then I can bring it outside and bang it"



:blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink:: blink::blink::blink::blink:
re: the air conditioning filter

[Mopsie]

*nudge* *nudge*

Here's hoping somebody's got some more stories for me ... :D

[Hollylane]

During Gaige's stay at our Oregon abode...

Gaige: "I'm not putting my clean socks on your dirty bottom" (I'm not even going to explain this one, it is just too funny all on its own)

During drawing with Daddy...

Gaige: "His face was a little funny"
Hollylane: "But his butt crack was perfect!"

Gaige:
"That's all you're getting with my finger"

"Did you like your pink rod?"

[Kenna]

camping buddy to passengers as we're headed back to camp..."ya'all sucked all the juice outa my slushy! !"

[BoDy*ShOt]

a Facebook exchange with my 19 yr old son:

son: drugs are not the answer, mother.. (he's commenting on a Marilyn Monroe quote picture thingy)

me: now who's the fun-sucker, son?! ;) (he called me a fun-sucker once when he was little lol)

son: And the tables turn. Soon I'll be changing your diapers you old fart ;)

*blink* LMHO!!

[Inked_Trinity]

Me: "Wow, I have Sunday off. I'm not going to know how to act."
Her: "What's so different.... you don't know how to act anyway!"

[Hollylane]

Hollylane: I couldn't get Chessie to respond to "leave it" or "drop it", so I taught him "givey", he understands "givey" really well!

Gaige: You should teach him the words "Drop it Hon" or "Leave it, Hon", he'd understand that.

Hollylane: Why? Because he'd be so appalled by the Baltimore pronunciation of "Hon"?

Gaige: No, it would be natural for him, because he's a Chesapeake Bay Retriever.

[midwest chick]

"Get your hairy ass out of my face!" wth? I'm way over here, and I'm waxed
(muttering'fucking cats')

[maryam]

"I tried to fit in all the Big Bangs I could!"

[FemmeItalian]

We are almost done....

You did really good....however,

Your tongue really fought me today........

You have a really strong tongue







(at the dentist office today...)

[Kenna]

me: when my mom tried it, she said it was better than sex!
friend : that's what we'll call it, Better Than Sex!

[Kenna]

Me: what'd you do??!!
Them: it was a big one and I didn't think I needed it!
Me: (laughing) where'd you pull it from?
Them: from down there
Me: Move over... it's full! there's no room for it! (still laughing)
Them: take one out
Me: then where are you gonna plug that one in?... OH GOD this is a fire hazard!
Them: (laughing hard) I was gonna Skype
Me: not without the internet ...where do I plug this in now?
Them: take one out I don't need
Me: :|

[Hollylane]

Gaige and I on Skype...

Gaige: I'm going to put you down, and go use the bathroom...

Hollylane: You're not allowed to "put me down", but you're welcome to lay me down...;)

[midwest chick]

Hym: "Oh, God honey it felt so good today! It's been so long since I've been able to ride it like that, I almost forgot how good it can be!" :|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|
me: staring, speechless, one eyebrow raised (I've been at work all day...has it REALLY been THAT long??)


Hym: I'm so glad I got the Harley out of the shop today!

[Inked_Trinity]

"You don't want your balls? I'll eat your balls"
"OMG... Not those balls! I don't eat THOSE balls! "
(referring to my crab stuffed shrimp that looked like little balls)

[Hollylane]

Me explaining house rules for the dogs to Gaige: For Obi, I have to say "No babies outside!" , and for Chessie, I have to say "No balls in the bedroom!"...

[Gaige]

"Get your face outta my stuff!!!"

No, she wasn't talking to me.

[Inked_Trinity]

"If it's wet and not yours.......DON'T TOUCH IT!"
(referring to the slimy stuff on the beach)

[Kenna]

me: give me my blanket and pillow
them : what do you mean 'mine ' ? It's got a wolf on it!
me: possession is 9 tenths of the law and I've been sleeping with the bitch! :P
them : (said in shock and dismay) you've been sleeping with the bitch? well alrighty then!

[Hollylane]

G: "I don't like bits of shit in my macaroni salad!"

H: "Nobody does baby, nobody does..."

[Kenna]

me, washcloth in hand, pointing at mess with other hand...cross look on face ...
flabbergasted friend : I can't help it when it splatters!!!

[Hollylane]

Gaige (talking about yard work):

"Okay, I'm going back out to play in the dirt baby"

Hollylane (not thinking about yard work):

"Well, aren't you a dirty butch!"

Gaige (about my slowly dwindling pile of clothes in the laundry basket):

"Okay baby, go take care of your mound"

Hollylane (not talking about laundry):

"I think you should be the one taking care of my "mound" handsome..."

Equals:

:smirking femme:
:smiling butch:

[Glenn]

My Alpha Femme Pit Bull Lawyer House-mate: Sooo... Glenn, what do you think of the government shutdown?

Me: Well...

My Alpha Femme Pit Bull Lawyer House-mate-What is UP WITH THIS FUCKING SHUTDOWN? Can anyone say injunction? Do I have to go into Federal Court and write the fucking injunctive relief myself? Congress does not have a line item veto, there is no legal vehicle for rewriting a law that has been vetted (I think that's what she said),passed and signed, and anyone who thinks the admin should "bargain" with the tea party is sorely misinformed about how legislation works, and F**k to the Y...I... I am a Republican, and I am disgusted! *she leaves house*

Me: :)

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

My partner: "You sure do know your balls..... *long pause*......meatballs, matzo balls..."

Me: *laughing so hard I can't breathe* "Indeed I do!"

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

At the beach with some of my partner's friends:

Me: *watching some people next to us play with lighted bocce balls* OMG the blue balls are so awesome, I want those.

Me: *to the guy who was playing bocce with them* HEY! I want your blue balls!!

The whole beach: *SILENCE*

[Kenna]

Friend: do I gotta feed it?
Me: :-) couldn't respond other than to giggle

[Hollylane]

H: You've done that a couple of times...

G: Like the time I said "I'm home baby" really loudly?

H: Didn't I ignore you when you did that?

G: No, I believe you gave me the finger.


:):|:):| :stillheart: :):|:):|

[bright_arrow]

Me: Honey?
Calling for my husband from up the stairs.
My step daughter: I'm not your honey!

My step daughter responds "Yes?!" when I or the wife calls out "Honey". Then we have to say "No, the other honey." I am confused why she answers because we never call her honey :|

[bright_arrow]

H: You've done that a couple of times...

G: Like the time I said "I'm home baby" really loudly?

H: Didn't I ignore you when you did that?

G: No, I believe you gave me the finger.


:):|:):| :stillheart: :):|:):|

Total legit response! Am sure I have answered this way before.

[bright_arrow]

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) [Official music video HD] - YouTube

10:30 a.m. in the morning was too early for this shit, much less three times after AND singing along. Loudly.

Gah.

[Hollylane]

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) [Official music video HD] - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE)

10:30 a.m. in the morning was too early for this shit, much less three times after AND singing along. Loudly.

Gah.

I have tried so hard to understand why this song exists, because I truly can usually find something to take away from nearly every artist's music, I guess the generation gap is just too wide this time...I couldn't even laugh at it.

All I can think about when I hear this song, is that I think the writer spent too much time with this as a child:

https://product.expotv.com/5/7/7/57767_150x150.jpg

and not enough time watching PBS or Animal Planet, where most viewers have learned what the fox sounds like.

[bright_arrow]

I have tried so hard to understand why this song exists, because I truly can usually find something to take away from nearly every artist's music, I guess the generation gap is just too wide this time...I couldn't even laugh at it.

All I can think about when I hear this song, is that I think the writer spent too much time with this as a child:

https://product.expotv.com/5/7/7/57767_150x150.jpg

and not enough time watching PBS or Animal Planet, where most viewers have learned what the fox sounds like.

Coincidentally, the same night my friend texted me a picture of him in a fox suit and quoted the song title.. I said oh hell no.. He informed me he has had 15 of his piano students request to learn that song! I feel worse for him :|

[Gemme]

I have tried so hard to understand why this song exists, because I truly can usually find something to take away from nearly every artist's music, I guess the generation gap is just too wide this time...I couldn't even laugh at it.

All I can think about when I hear this song, is that I think the writer spent too much time with this as a child:

https://product.expotv.com/5/7/7/57767_150x150.jpg

and not enough time watching PBS or Animal Planet, where most viewers have learned what the fox sounds like.

It's my understanding that it started out as a joke.

Now it's a freakin' earworm and a weird one at that.

[Bard]

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) [Official music video HD] - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE)

10:30 a.m. in the morning was too early for this shit, much less three times after AND singing along. Loudly.

Gah.

and my answer was that grandpa jeff knows what the fox says

and as a side note the goose went on randomly singing it all weekend:blink::blink:

[bright_arrow]

I will admit, I did pull it up to try and get caught in the catchiness of it so I wasn't so tired at work! There is no one up and I am looking at the English paper I am trying to revise for a higher grade like @_@.

Tried to find a normal song of theirs.. Came across this.. I feel like I am stuck in a dubstep musical!

PaEnaoydUUo

ETA: That girl looks CREEPY.. Especially in dubstep mode!

*hides and cries*

[Gemme]

*holds desd*

:blink:

[Blade]

My roommate and I took a truckload of garbage to the dump today. She crawls up in the back of the truck and hands stuff down to me to throw out. She can't see the step on the back of my truck as she gets down out of the back of the truck.

Sooo as she steps over the tailgate I try to guide her foot to the step, only she wanted the bumper not the step, I didn't know tbat.

Her....make sure I get my foot on the step
Me....ok, pulling her pants leg over and down toward the step
Her....loudly.....damnit you are stretching me to far
Me....laughing....huh
Her...laughing....stop you are stretching me to far
Us.....much laughter
Me....thinking out loud....I don't think anybody ever told me that before

[Kenna]

My roommate and I took a truckload of garbage to the dump today. She crawls up in the back of the truck and hands stuff down to me to throw out. She can't see the step on the back of my truck as she gets down out of the back of the truck.

Sooo as she steps over the tailgate I try to guide her foot to the step, only she wanted the bumper not the step, I didn't know tbat.

Her....make sure I get my foot on the step
Me....ok, pulling her pants leg over and down toward the step
Her....loudly.....damnit you are stretching me to far
Me....laughing....huh
Her...laughing....stop you are stretching me to far :| :| :| :|
Us.....much laughter
Me....thinking out loud....I don't think anybody ever told me that before
Edited to add: once back to the truck cab, Her: OMG :| you're gonna post about that!
Him: YEP!
********************************************
Ohhhh I guess this is pay back for me posting about you chasing Nemo?? :fishswim: :dog:
OMG!! **song stuck in my head...ankle bone is connected to your leg bone....leg bone is connected to your ass bone...**
I told you we need to start a journal about the funny thangs that happen around here!!

You stretched my ankle so far, I thought my ass bone was gonna dislocate!

When people read that you pulled my pants leg over and down, they're gonna think you were yanking my pants off! KNUCKLEHEAD!! Can you imagine, if you had done that, what the "LUMP on a log" dump employee would have done? Think he would have finally walked out of his tiny little shed? (disclaimer: no discrimination to people who work as sanitation employees.... however, this one guy was truly a lump on a log, non-helpful and gives good workers a bad name) ....


Blade: Not only does this little boy remind me of you with your dark hair, his expression is perfect for my stretched ass bone!
http://www.toplessrobot.com/stretchdolls.jpg

SHIT HEARD ROUND THIS HOUSE....
While posting the above, I was at the desk and Blade walked up behind me...and very calmly, very matter-of-factly said "I like it hard like this."
Me: spun around :| ...noticed mug in his hand full of ice cream .... :superfunny: :superfunny: :huhlaugh:
Him: (to the dog) Willy why'd you let me do that? :|
Me: OH MY GOD!! (laughing too hard to breathe) I'm trying not to pee!

[bright_arrow]

We were discussing how my cousins younger than me have already had babies, and how my sister and I apparently missed the memo. Wife says this shows fertility in my family, when I texted my sister, she says it is sluttiness in our family.

Her: Well, WE didn't have sex before marriage at all.. *big grin*
Me: Oh shut up.
Her: You know, if we were a straight couple, your dad would have had his rifle out.
Me: In this hypothetical straight couple, who is the guy in the relationship? I mean, I don't want to just ASSUME it's you..
Her: :| Okay.... Well then YOU would have the rifle, to hit me over the head with, and drag me back to your cave.
Me: Whatttt? What do you mean cave?!
Her: You would drag me back to the cave so you could ravish me..
Me: :|
Her: :|
Me: Oh.. my.. god *laughing* That is so going in the threads!

[Sweet Bliss]

Roomie enters room .... "hey, you left me with no toilet paper "

Me: OMG I'M so sorry! I meant to get a package, got distracted again!

Roomie : "No, problem I used your towel "

She didn't really .... but we got a good laugh out of it. Thank goddess for Kleenex. :)

[ruffryder]

Me to my babe as I open the package of cordial cherries: Can I open your cherries.

[sofimichi]

"The balls are wrong"
(The Xmas tree at my college put the big xmas decorations at the top and the smaller ones in the bottom, the tree looked terrible).

[uglyboi]

My niece and I last weekend, she wanted to know why I was late...

Me: "I had some errands to run."
Her: "I want to see Erin."
Me: "We will see Erin at Christmas."
Her: "Where is she?"
Me "She is in Iowa."
Her: "Is that far away?"
Me "Yes, its 15 hours from here."...
Her: "No wonder you were late!"
Me: "I had to run errands not go see Erin!"

[Kenna]

What they said: Ouch! Hold on a minute. .......I didn't think I could hurt myself in bed but I just did. Now I have a hole in my fuzzy PJs.
What I said: That's what you get for being distracted.

[Kenna]

Roomie: (a whole string of cuss words and very ugly descriptions of what he wanted to do with the truck parts that wouldn't fit where they belonged)
Me: go chase the chickens down to the hutch before the storm hits....let me do this
Roomie: (huff...stomps off mad and about to pop a vein)

Me: (after much fussing...then waiting for storm to pass...then going back out to finish)
Me to roomie: I will trade my high heels for my mechanical skillz any day!


A little later I hear a SPLAT hit the kitchen floor and roomie start to cuss again then say "now how the hell am I gonna get THAT up?"
Without even asking or getting up to see what he did....I stated "my chickens worked hard to lay those eggs and you go and toss them around the kitchen."

[Barb42]

What they said: Ouch! Hold on a minute. .......I didn't think I could hurt myself in bed but I just did. Now I have a hole in my fuzzy PJs.
What I said: That's what you get for being distracted.

Whos fault was it..

[Andrea]

I won't say who the other party was but I will say this is only a two person household.

Me, seeing two bottles for a liquid medication on the counter: "Why are there two Xs out?"

Other person: "One bottle is empty."

Me: "Why didn't you throw the empty one away?"

Other person: "I didn't know how empty it was."

Me: :blink: :|

[Kenna]

Blade: (on phone with his mom) ok mom...let us know if you need anything.talk to you later....

Me: Are you gonna take a shower with me?
Blade: cracking up laughing ..."I hope mom hung up the phone and didn't hear that!"
Me: :| :| I was talking to Skippy, not you but that is funny!!

[Kenna]

Me: ......nibble your shoulders.....

Them: you'd be surprised how fast (*edited to protect my innocence*) land on the floor as your nipples are on my shoulder.....


Me: ummmmm :| :| honey...I didn't say nipples! :glasses: :glasses:

[Kenna]

(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.

[Kenna]

(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.

So around 3pm same day...Mom's in the kitchen and I'm upstairs..
Just as I slip into my bubble bath....I hear mom scream like she'd seen a snake...then cuss up a storm and say WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PINK GOOEY SHIT ALL OVER MY GAS BURNERS AND RANGE HOOD!!!? HOLY HELL...SHE EVEN GOT IT IN THE PILOT LIGHT!! IT LOOKS LIKE A PINK TELLA-TUBBY EXPLODED IN A PRESSURE COOKER!!!

I giggle to myself (I had actually dozed back off this morning and forgot all about it) ...slipped further down in my bubbles with big smile...and thought "good thing I WON'T be here when my sister gets home....mom will accuse her of torturing tella-tubbies!

[candy_coated_bitch]

"My beard may smell like pussy, but at least my foot doesn't smell like butt crack!"

[pajama]

Bloo stop using your sister's neck as a binkie.

[Kenna]

What I said: Want me to help with that?
What they said, in a sleepy voice: I don't think your hands are big enough to wrap around it.
My response: :| :| ohhhhh really?? (Laughing hard and naughty giggle) I wasn't talking about THAT kinda help!

[Blade]

From the radio..Would you date someone who didn't like the same sports team as you? As my roomie and I were riding down the road.

Me...HELL NO, I sure wouldn't date a Gamecock fan

Roomie..laughing really?

Me...yeah all my girls have been Tigers

Rommie...belly laughing with the exception of one

[candy_coated_bitch]

"Stalker."

"Of you, yes. I'm going to stuff you and keep you after you die. I'll do your make up and change your outfits."

"That is so disturbing. I would never let you do my make up--alive or dead."

[grenade]

My 13 year old while we were talking about music: I really liked Skillet until I found out it was a christian band.

[bright_arrow]

"Oh snaps!", "Seriously?", "That's ridonkulous!" are heard very, very often in this household.

[candy_coated_bitch]

"I loved it when you punched me in the head. That was AWESOME!"

[bright_arrow]

"Oooh... You turned my butt on!"

[Kenna]

As he was describing his spine surgery gone wrong...
"They chipped a bone and had to wheel me into the MRI to find it. But they couldn't find it and left it in there!! Later I told my doc that my BALLS GO NUMB!!!...doc said that chip is pinching the nerve but he won't remove it. So I told him my wife is fixed and I don't want kids so CUT MY BALLS OFF! I heard Duke [medical college] will give $800 per ball so cut them off and send them to Duke! I don't need them!!... I need the money and it's better than going numb! ...

Then his doctor said (thru a thick accent)..'dat won't help. It be like cutting off arm...will feel phantom pain"...

:| :|

Shit heard 'round this house!!

[Kenna]

All in the course of one day.....


A chihuahua fart!!
(We all laughed till we cried!!)
Me: Skippy!! You rotten little fart! I didn't squeeze you that hard!!
Skippy's Daddy: sounded like you squeezed the shit outa him!!
(OMG!! MORE LAUGHTER AND TEARS)

*******************later....

Friend 1 about buddy 2: Look...I think hy wants a threesome!!
Friend 3: (looking at buddy 2 with a cocky grin) I only do two and you ain't one of the two.

*********************

Them: Get that thang off my foot!
Me: What thang!
Them: THAT thang!
Me: it's just a string on your pants.
Them: NOT THAT THANG! THE OTHER THANG!
Me: there's noTHANG on your foot!
Them: look there....
Me: oh? That tiny little thang? *chuckles* give me the flashlight, who gave you warts on your foot?
Them: I was born with it...maybe when I was a little boy I stepped on frog poop?
Me: (cracked up laughing)

**************

While watching a very descriptive commercial for treatment (Osphena) of post menopausal dryness .....
Friend 1: OH MY GOD...at dinnertime they play commercials about Viagra...then at night they play this before little kids go to bed?
Friend 2: .....(looked at Friend 1 with a cocky grin then looked at the TV and declared....) Ohhh baby! If you were with me, you wouldn't have that problem... GLIDE INNNN....glide out...
Friend 1: YOU ARE SOOOOO BAD!!
Friend 2: Well? My woman wouldn't need lube...
Friend 1: *rolling eyes and laughing * LOOK!! *pointing at Buddy 3* Hy just winked at me!!

*****************
Them: :fart: :fart: :fart: :fart:
Me: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!! YOU'RE GROSS!! THANK GOD YOU ROLLED OVER TO FACE ME BEFORE YOU DID THAT!!
Them: (laughing hard) What did you think of that?
Me: it sounded like your ass cheeks flapped together!!
Them: HAHA...Told you I'm all boy!!
Me: I've known that forever but daymmmm you!!
Me: looked over at Buddy 3...are you ok??
Buddy 3: winked at me then hid hys face under the pillow

[Kenna]

As I'm watching TV, I hear...

GIVE ME THAT FROG!! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! .



Poor WooBear doesn't understand the frog is FILTHY, and is in the laundry for a reason.

[A. Spectre]

"Oh, Ace. I can't get enough of you!"

[Bèsame*]

what's burning?


Something you don't want to hear on your first Thanksgiving together cooking..lol

[homoe]

Do WHAT with my giblets? :seeingstars:

[homoe]

Don't break those balls! (we're decorating the tree)

[Logicaly]

My nephew to his mom, who is in the restroom...

"You should think of happy things while you go mom, to make it go faster, like I do. I think about Ice Cream, Kittens and You!."

[Bèsame*]

I'm the happiest when I'm picking on someone.

Really? Like who? ???

You, the cats, it doesn't matter.

You crack me up! !!

[job]

Roomie: I wonder what kind of bird that is...
Me: I think it's an oriole.
Roomie: Never heard of it.
Me: You never heard of an oriole?
Roomie: Nope.
Me: How could you never hear of an oriole? There's even a baseball team with that name...
the Baltimore Orioles....
Roomie: Oh. I thought they were named after the cookie.
Me: The cookie?.....(momentarily stumped, then...)You mean Oreos?

[bright_arrow]

Boyfriend leans over, rubs my butt and says:

It's like Buddha's belly...but Shannon's butt!

:|

[grenade]

Last night was a full moon. Impulsively, I began howling while I was driving. I tried to coax my daughter into howling with me. She wasn't going to play with me, coaxing, begging, threatening...nada. So, I continued to howl because it's ridiculously fun. As we pull into the garage and I turn off the car, my daughter looks at me very seriously and says,"You're ruining this family with your behavior."

[grenade]

My 15 year old asked me for her social security card because she was filling out an application for a job. I told her that we'd have to get a new card. As she is walking off I hear, "Great, Donald Trump is going to deport me."

[bright_arrow]

*as we're playing Super Smash Brothers at 1 a.m. as Donkey and Diddy Kong, and during a boss fight he jumps in front of me and gets blasted away*

"I got you, boo - even as a big hairy gorilla I still protect you!"

:blush:

[Kenna]

Blade: Did we have a baby I don't know about?

[Blade]

As I was drfting off to sleep in the recliner, I hear my roomie say stop licking my bellybutton! I open my eyes to see Briar sitting on her lap and her cracking up, saying she's (Briar) never seen my bellybutton.

[Chained Daisy]

Mom, a body has been found in the park near town.

A dead one.

[Kenna]

With my momma standing in the kitchen as an innocent bystander...I asked a friend if they liked the treat I brought them?

With a very delighted look on their face, they responded "Yes! I like it like that so I can suck on it!"

:| :|

I didn't know beef jerky required sucking on it.

[Kenna]

Later, after mom had moved to the couch...
I asked that same friend if I should use a certain roll of material to make an easier path to the table for momma at camp?
They warned me "absolutely not, that stuff's slicker than a minner."

I turned to mom to tell her "he usually says "slicker than a minner's dick."
He gets all goofy faced and says "Yes, I usually do, but never in front of your mom".

I thought mom was gonna leave a puddle from laughing so hard.

(Btw..."minner" is Southern for minnow.)

[Reach *BANNED*]

Ummmm I think the sheep have escaped again. .. followed by...

F*ck.

:blink:

[Wrang1er]

Now that school is back in session three of my nephews come here before and after school.

Yesterday I was sitting outside with them while they were riding their bikes. The seat on the bike that the 11 yr. old was riding tilted back and as he called it "slingshotted his balls". As I proceeded to fix the seat to kept this from happening again the three boys had "ball talk" for at least the next 30 minutes. The things these boys say.

[homoe]

Now that school is back in session three of my nephews come here before and after school.

Yesterday I was sitting outside with them while they were riding their bikes. The seat on the bike that the 11 yr. old was riding tilted back and as he called it "slingshotted his balls". As I proceeded to fix the seat to kept this from happening again the three boys had "ball talk" for at least the next 30 minutes. The things these boys say.

.........:giggle:.........

[kittygrrl]

::from the desk of the honey badger:: "fyi, remember the woman who gave the Trump motorcade the finger from her bike?" (me) "yes?" .............."well she's running for office" (wry smile~ from the honey badger..."she'll get my vote" (me) "ha...mine too":hangloose:

[~ocean]

Now that school is back in session three of my nephews come here before and after school.

Yesterday I was sitting outside with them while they were riding their bikes. The seat on the bike that the 11 yr. old was riding tilted back and as he called it "slingshotted his balls". As I proceeded to fix the seat to kept this from happening again the three boys had "ball talk" for at least the next 30 minutes. The things these boys say.

what is it with boys and "ball " talk ~ my grandson and his friends talk ball talk too ! 11 yrs old they are lol I guess this is how they have a ball lololol ( laughs at myself ) lolol silly's

[Wrang1er]

what is it with boys and "ball " talk ~ my grandson and his friends talk ball talk too ! 11 yrs old they are lol I guess this is how they have a ball lololol ( laughs at myself ) lolol silly's

Lol... that's funny, ocean. I'm glad it's not just these boys!

[Wrang1er]

My nephew Jefferson: Is it rare for a dog and a bird to mate?

Me: (laughing) Very, very rare!

[Blade]

Well it did not get heard because I caught myself before I said it. But I almost said I don't like those big old balls in my mouth. Referencing huge meatballs