What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

[Bèsame*]

Open mind
energy for hours
Teacher of new things

[Teddybear]

Honesty no matter what tell me the truth not what U think I want to hear

Willingness to b an equal partner

Hood sense of humor know how to take a joke and give also

I have more but that's a start

[silkepus]

Must be able to sit through a Lord of The Rings extended version marathon- I have no time for weakness.

[*Anya*]

Everything that I wrote when this thread was started in December, 2011, still holds true for me.

I left out one thing.

I can write one item as a very, very, big part of a healthy relationship and very non-negotionable:

1. Laughter
2. Laughter
3. More laughter

My GF makes me laugh all of the time.

She can give me a look, when she can tell I am a tad peeved about something, that will cause me to burst out laughing.

My laughter can make me melt into a ball of romantic vulnerability.

I can take pretty much everything too seriously.

She helps me to separate out which ones that I should take seriously and which ones require laughter.

I think laughter is as much the glue for a good relationship, as is great sex, excellent communication, fidelity and honesty.

[Daktari]

Debt free
Emotionally literate
Musician

[C0LLETTE]

I really do have to find you:

intelligent and curious,
witty and clever,
warm and affectionate

and preferably close by or willing to relocate.

[Martina]

Must be able to sit through a Lord of The Rings extended version marathon- I have no time for weakness.


Best post of 2014 so far. lol.

[Candelion]

1. Complete devotion and loyalty to each other.

2. A shared sense of humor.

3. Mind blowing sex.

[Paradox]

Trust/Honesty: If things are not going well we must be able to talk and share. Not any of I had an affair BS 'after' the fact.

Integrity: Be genuine, hold true to your values/virtues.

Humour: The ability to laugh at yourself.

A few more but this is the gist of it.

[DJ4321]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

[silkepus]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

Offense taken.

[Violette]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.


I find that we pick people who are mirrors for ourselves. When a person can see that and chooses to learn from that, their experience deepens. One can see what one is bringing to the dynamic. Perhaps some reflection is in order.

You chose to write some interesting words in a site full of femmes and people who love them. Perhaps this is what you seek.

[*Anya*]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

Offense taken.

Ditto. *Said very calmly and with zero drama*

[MsTinkerbelly]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that

really matter in life.

Offense taken

[kittygrrl]

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

You are welcome Sir, but let me include that in my experience butches seem to have a taste for drama too, sometimes in the best of ways! but also unfortunately at times not. Emotions between two people who love each other can run hot and so there are bound to be times, when passion can run amuk. But this should be anticipated and if there is love, you eventually come together and work out a fair solution. Love is great, it's just not simple!

[Candelion]

In my experience I have found that broaching a subject as a calm, reasonable, adult has still resulted in me being accused of drama. Sometimes, the other person has simply not wanted to discuss the subject that I have broached. Pulling the "drama" accusation is an easy way to shut down the conversation, instead of being honest and simply saying, "I don't feel like talking about it now". Nobody wants to be a drama queen, so it's an easy way to silence someone.

I have to agree with kittygrrl...sometimes intense passion brings a little drama. But I would NEVER forego passion simply to avoid a little drama. Drama...heh...I can deal with it.

Welcome to the planet, DJ.

[DJ4321]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

[Jar]

Offense taken.

I knew when I saw that post it was going to offend and I found it offensive as well. I know people in the community AND outside it that cause drama on a regular basis.

[Jar]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

I don't mean to criticize but this post feels a little condescending. I don't think you mean any harm but sometimes our (mine too) posts come across totally wrong.

I do agree with one thing you said .... That it's us butches that need femmes! I crave that energy. The exchange between butch and femme is like no other energy.

[Ginger]

I saw the post equating femmes with drama-makers.

Let me add to my list of non-negotiables, sexism.

[lamuymuyfem]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

CIJS…which is another thread….This sweet-but-assertive, not-so little femme would lovingly ask you to continue your self-reflection…..

Butch Femme Planet is never boring and a great place to learn new things……..DJ4321, enjoy your journey of discovery.

[Daktari]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.


Really? :|

Answering with yet more of the same assumptions and sexist language doesn't really help yer cause mate.
You'll find plenty of strong, capable, articulate femmes who will be telling you why such attitudes and language are unacceptable. Pin back yer ears!

* handy hint alert
May I suggest reading around the site. You'll learn lots if you remain open-minded and willing to learn. I've learned lots about my attitudes by being a member here and reading...lots.

[Jar]

Really? :|

Answering with yet more of the same assumptions and sexist language doesn't really help yer cause mate.
You'll find plenty of strong, capable, articulate femmes who will be telling you why such attitudes and language are unacceptable.

Well said and I totally agree!

[DJ4321]

thank you very much lamuymuyfem and others who have responded. This is all making me chuckle--and shake my head as well. I appreciate the way you disagreed with me but didn't do so in a critical way. Rather in a way that invited me to continue learning.
That is one thing this journey is all about, learning along our way. Others may not see things the way we do, we may not see they way we do, but if we can keep ourselves open to learning, maybe we can learn new and better ways along the way.
I respect whatever you believe are your "deal breakers" all I ask is that you respect what I consider mine. By the same token, I want to grow as a person and if my "deal breakers" are holding me back from growing, then by all means I would want to hear about that, have an opportunity to reflect on that and then make my own decisions.
Thanks all and may our energy continue to help each of us develop into stronger people.

[CherylNYC]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

[Violette]

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.



Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow. :|

[nycfem]

This thread has had a recent report which I wanted to acknowledge (thank you). We try to stay out of the thread if people are working things out directly with each other which seems to be the case right now. If someone is truly found to be a troll of course they will be banned but sometimes it takes some time to figure that out. Just an update that we are alerted and also that the reason there has been no administrative stepping in at this point is that people are speaking up on the thread themselves.

[Jar]

Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow. :|

This was my first thought too.

[nanners]

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll. I know her, and in fact have dated her and introduced her to this site. I cringed when I read her posts, knowing she has a lot to learn about the butch femme dynamic and this site. I hesitated to even post, because we are no longer dating but she truly is a good person, just has a lot to learn, as do we all when we enter unfamiliar territory.

[Jar]

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll

Thanks! I had meant to ask you if it was the same one

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, not a troll. But attention seeking and has a touch of RADA (Royal Acadamy for the Dramatic Arts) flare....

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an arguement in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

feminine is often equated with: bitchiness, drama, over-sensitivity, manipulative, irrational, over-emotional, petty, over-complicated, and gossips.

so just by having a feminine countinance I am pre judged of having these traits and to some people no matter what comes out of my mouth, they will view me through that glass. If someone with a masculine gender accent speaks the same words, suddenly it's not.

I don't personally like being told that I'm just like everyone who has a slightly feminine expression is like before even opening my mouth. "femmes are...." can very easily replaced with "gays are..." "women are...." "queers are...."

cause we are taking ONE attribute (be it sexuality or gender accent) and applying it to mean hundreds of other personality traits.

My butch partners have ALL cried more than I do. They have ALL been more afraid of bugs than me. They have ALL loved babies more than me (please don't give me one. I am that awkward person that sits with it looking terrified) but that has more to do with the kind of people I choose to be with, than an an entire global gender. And it may be just my expereince but I know that not every single butch out there is a soppy, bug fearing, baby loving, attention seeking prince.

I just tend to like certain types of people within that gender group and thus wind up getting other predictable traits with it.

If you don't want any drama in your life at all, and I've had plenty sobbing, chest pounding, hair ripping, finger pointing, nagging, drunk at 3am banging on my window, waking up the neighbours, saying inappropriate things to my mom, etc butch persons, it's not just the realm of femme that can throw a spectacular fit... *eyeball roll*....some of the best of the best have been from a butch in my life.... then stay single and don't have many relationships with people, including and avoid public dealings. People have emotions. Avoid them. And don't have any yourself.

[Martina]

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an argument in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

If someone in their personal ad or in the very early stages of dating says, "no drama," I consider it a big red flag and seriously consider giving them a pass. I have found that the people who say "no drama" actually seem to be the biggest drama queens.

Re the other stuff, I have found that a small percentage of butches who are attracted to femmes don't actually like us. They are angry because of rejection or whatever. Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes. I don't see many of these folks, but I have met a few. Definitely people to avoid.

[imperfect_cupcake]

" Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes."

yeah... I dunno. I've met those and it's usually they don't want to hang out at all, except to go to the pub or a party with and come over for sex and breckfast. I find those relationships didn't evolve because I don't want to play sports/watch sports with them and sports was their life. They need a femme teammate. But I also watched those ones screw around with each other's gf's off the rugby pitch. HEAPS of drama. That's the other thing, loads and loads of shit stirring and trouble making (drama) and it only becomes "drama" when they are caught doing something shitty and have to answer to it.

I personally avoid "Drama" as in the RADA version, by avoiding shit stirers, drinkers and people addicted to fast commitments and romance now. My life is far, far more peaceful. Do I get into arguments? Sure!! I'm no carpet. But these days I say something once and once only- after that I leave.

[Tony]

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

[Jar]

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

Totally agree

[C0LLETTE]

1.Life is short so if you haven't managed to create an interesting life for yourself, don't expect me to create or provide one for you

2. Don't constantly rehash stuff that I thought we both agreed was resolved long ago. I probably can't remember it; it isn't worth remembering; or you're just trying to push my buttons and I find that kind of behaviour abusive...particularly the second time round.

3. You better like my kids and they better like you.

[SirenManda]

Pretty simple:

Have compassion for those around you.
Be honest even when it hurts me.
Support OUR goals, no one gets ahead if one of us is behind.

[Christina]

1. Understand that I am old enough for the truth to hurt… so don’t lie!

2. Understand that when you cheat on me… You cheat on US!

3. Understand that the things you projected to capture my heart are the things that will keep it… don’t pretend to be anyone but your true self…

[Femmadian]

I think this list will invariably change and expand depending on where you are in your life, but for me at the moment:

1) Supportive of my dreams and ambitions. I don't like feeling like I'm in competition with my partner or that I'm getting little condescending "awww, how cute" head-pats when I describe how ambitious I am. I have a lot of goals, (hopefully) a long life ahead of me, and yes, a long way to get there. I want someone who will help build me up while I work towards them, someone who will be in my corner when I need them. I can't abide by someone who just wants to tear me down or domesticate/tame me. I deserve better.

2) A kind heart. Regularly walk by homeless people without even acknowledging their humanity? Think it's foolish that I took in a starving stray and her six kittens? Describe all your exes as "crazy" or clueless or heartless b*tches? Move along.

3) The ability to see the many shades of grey. Life isn't all black and white, sometimes morality and the choices people have to make are relative, and you, my dear, are as fallible as the rest of us. No use in stating your moral superiority and pointing the finger all the time... When people look back at the advice you gave or the support you offered during a difficult time in their lives, I want them to look back on you fondly and I want you to make me proud to call you mine. :-)

[SaltyButch]

Three non-negotiables other than some obvious ones already mentioned;

Communication: If you are not able to express yourself or what your needs are or understand my need for communication, it's not going to work.

Explorative: I am always seeking knowledge, so would want someone that feels the same no matter the subject.

Caring: In relation to herself,me and those people and things around us.

[Stud_puppy1991]

1. Don't ever expect me to be anything other than myself. In other words, don't get involved with me if you aren't ready or willing to be with me as me. If you are just wanting me to be your mold and be what you want, forget it.

2. Don't manipulate me or control me in any aspect. I am not someone's pet, and I won't have a leash. I also will not have someone tell me how I need to be or how to go about things. And honestly, it isn't going to work.

3. Don't play games with me. If something is an issue to you, tell me. If I make you unhappy or uncomfortable, let me know. Don't lead me on or play me for a fool, because I will find out. No matter what it is, always come to me.

[Genesis]

my eight non-negotiables in a relationship are:

1. Integrity,
2. Self-respect,
3. Pro-active communication,
4. Versatility: knowing how to move and dance with life and all the turns
and twists that come with it.
5. Love and live life to it's fullest potential.
6. Love to dance, travel and be a life long learner.
7. Must love to taste and try new foods.
8. Playful sense of humor.

[Azreley]

Three? I actually only have two that are very important to me. It's a must that they have to be completely HONEST no matter how bad it is. Another must is that they must be RESPECTFUL.

Those are actually all that I need. HONESTY and RESPECT.

Makes me wonder if some people can put that together. Can they be honest about something bad and be respectful at the same time? Anything is possible. Right?

[VintageFemme]

A strong heart.

Honesty.

Musically literate [while this may seem pretty weak, it is not without merit & much like one's shoe style, or the question... if you could be a car, which car would you be? ...is very telling.]

[Daktari]

A fine rack ...I never said I wasn't easy! :groucho:

Deconstruct visual art and articulate what you think about any given visual media.

The ability to harmonise and pick out the oddest harmonies alongside me keeping the melody strong.
Whoever warbles first loses! :cheesy:

[imperfect_cupcake]

I kinda go with that assumption that honesty, integrity and all The general whatsits are a given. Surely, who would NOT pick those as fairly basic.

But beyond that I need things. I have tried to be with very nice people who are unable to provide certain other things and noatter what, I can't do it. Honesty, respect, love, integrity is really not enough. I need sexual compatibility, similar humour, playfulness, intelligence, the ability to banter, a thicker skin, someone who either an atheist or their spiritual life does not need to be shared within the relationship. Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods. I cannot date borderline personality or.certain kinds of OCD because it sets off my own shit too much. Someone who is not capricious or mercurial. Who has similar values to mine in most, though not all, things. And who's politics ate at least similar or our values will be too different.

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

They have to want similar things from a relationship or it won't work.

So I have quite a few things above and beyond the basic stuff everyone has as necessary to make a commitment to someone.

Mainly because if I do make another commitment, I hope it's the last one. And I'm not going to be too keen on emotionally investing in things that I know from experience don't work for me.

[cinnamongrrl]

an open mind....with a willingness to explore all that the universe has to offer

emotionally available

willingness to be physically active

[Cole]

1. Must love cats
2. Honest/trustworthy
3. Acceptance for who I am as a person - don't try and change me!

[Martina]

Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods.

Yup.


Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.


Me, too.

[gotoseagrl]

Yes, to like kitties, or at least puppies is a must. :)

~ Honesty
~ Good sense of humor
~ Old school D/g dynamic

[kittygrrl]

kindness
kindess
and more kindness

[Shystonefem]

1. If you cannot disagree with me without yelling, screaming or name calling, we won't get along

2. You don't have to love my kids but accepting them as my family and a huge part of my life is very important. If you expect me to spend Christmas without the kids, we won't get along.

3. I will support your career and I expect you to support mine. Expect that I work long hours and I will respect if you do.

Ok... there's one more

4. No violence and no drug dependency.

[DanceFoolsDance]

Self-sufficient (must have a stable work and living situation)
Good health and hygiene (honest effort, in all ways)
Trustworthy (hiding, lying, and manipulating is my biggest deal breaker)

[AnAwkwardAccident]

1. Compassionate
2. Respectful
3. Intelligent

[JDeere]

Open and total communication
Honesty
Respect

If you can't do these three don't bother with me then

[kassykit]

Liars, this is a huge one for me. Don't lie, that simple.

You must be honest, compassionate, and kind.

[MasterfulButch]

This thread makes for interesting reading.

Some responses are pretty fundamental and were probably clear to us all along. Others we've become aware of through living something else and perhaps offer the most learning contribution for others. For me, my top three of these are:

1. Sexual chemistry - sure you can have a committed, loving friendship but in a relationship I need more. There is so much depth to my personality here, I need to be able to express/explore it with my partner.
2. Value alignment - compatibility on what matters to you. Moral issues. Work ethic etc. E.g. find something of value in the street. Keep it or hand it in?
3. Availability - couples differ on this I know. Some like the joined-at-the-hip approach while others value independence. I need her to be similar to me, to want to spend time with me and also to be available to do so.

[Greco]

Intelligence (Spiritual, and Emotional), Healthy in mind, body, spirit, Honesty, Personal Integrity goes without saying. Sensuality, Creativity, Passionate, Compassionate, Resilient, Resourceful all add up to one Stunningly Beautiful Woman. She must love to dance! smiling...hmmm...glasses? oh, yes...and a few other qualities...

Greco

[Apocalipstic]

Just 3

Kind
Calm
Consistent

[Mel C.]

hmmmm...difficult for me because I keep asking myself "what if"...

1) sense of humor that meshes with mine
2) independence, yet able to show that I am important/wanted
3) good natured (I'm a handful)

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've had to rethink a lot of stuff. It's hard to pick three. I think I can limit it to five. Lol

1) sexual chemistry - it's has to be there, they have to be dominant, at least prone to a bit of sexual sadism, at least a bit of a papa bear. I got to rediscover an old part of myself recently and I felt like I was truly comfortable again. I've decided to stick with that. And I don't want to give it up again. It's such an easy and natural way to be.

2) sense of humour match - they have to be sarcastic, dark humoured and quick. Banter. Playful. Kid sense of play to mine.

3) they gotta love the talk - intoverted/extroverted don't care, but if you don't, at the core, enjoy discussion, a bit of debate, sharing stories about yourself and being present and able to sit with being uncomfortable and hashing something out, then it really won't work with me.

4) steady - meaning you don't change your mind constantly, you aren't moody, you don't storm off and sulk, you stay and talk. You don't tell me you want one thing on Thursday and then a week later you suddenly want something else. Then a week later it changes again. You are emotionally stable. I don't care if you are a bit crusty and misanthropic, as long as you think I'm the bees knees and stick to that. Don't come in with tides of joy, then cry for four hours then sulk then ... You have no idea how many of my partners were like this.
Recently I dated someone emotionally stable and I was shocked to find how easy the relationship was (aside from the challenges of differing ideas etc which I don't mind hashing out), how unstressful, and how much care *I* got for a change. Someone actually want to look after *me*. That please!!!

5) although I'm a feisty submissive and I adore the living bejesus out of you, and I'm a very devoted partner, I want my independence. I even enjoy the kink of sexual ownership. These tits still belong to you, babes, but right now, I need to go deal with school, have some time to myself, a bit of time with friends, and I don't want to live with a partner. But boy I will spoil you when you show up for dinner/the weekend. Knock your papa bear socks off. And it's bloody great you want to spoil me back.

[Orema]

1. Must be opinionated and direct with compassion and empathy.
2. Confidence has to be driven by honesty and intelligence (not by possessions, travel, lineage, etc.)
3. Sexual fetishes must be in line with each other or compliment each other. I'm GGG (Good, Giving, Game), but there are some lines I won't cross.

[Lacey]

Flirting with others
Secret friendships/relationships
Lacking communication skills.

[kittygrrl]

philanthropist
ethical- in every sense of the word
capacity to cherish & love beyond measure

[CherryWine]

It's hard to pick just three.

I am going to say you must be an honest person, first and foremost.

Must have a great sense of humor. Make me laugh A LOT, and laugh with me too.

Must be a great kisser. If you don't know how to give a sweet, passionate kiss then we won't be getting very far after that.

[Kätzchen]

Deal breakers (relationship or not).


Being disrespectful toward me or others.
Self-absorbed.
Manipulative behaviors.

Any of the above (or other behaviors of simular accord) will earn you a one-way ticket to another universe, far far away.

[Tuff Stuff]

I think everyone should have at least a few things that they have to have (in a realtionship) to keep the home fires burning and have a little slice of joy in your lives together. I have a few and I know, my S.O. does also. But our have-to's are very different. I'm interested in what works for others. Please share your thoughts of what works and/or would work for you. Thanks



Mine:
Must be monogomous
Intelligent
Sick sense of humor



Hers:
Confidence
Good work ethic
Sex maniac

[RockOn]

- open & honest (and not tell only part of the story because being with-holding is being deceptive which equates to lying)

- must have a light side, enjoys laughing at silly things ... too much seriousness will squelch my soul

- no drunks, no druggies ... in my opinion, nothing ... (repeat) nothing brings on lying and cheating faster ... the shallowness of these type games, games, games = boredom ... I see through the smoke & mirrors ... once upon a time, I had to be a loser in order to have such keen perception ... every day that goes by, I am so thankful to be sober from substances that kept my mind riddled and confused ... not everyone is fortunate enough to live through it to break out to the other side ... FACT: many die and that is sad

[job]

1. You must love animals. And I don't mean eating them. How you treat animals tells me pretty much everything I need to know about you.

2. Honesty. Even if you think I won't like it, just say it. If I don't know how you really feel then nothing between us is accurate or real.

3. Want me. If you can take me or leave me, then I don't want you. I don't want to be replaceable.

Good hygiene and a dirty mind are gimmes...

[storyspinner70]

1. Must have a good voice: You can look like a supermodel and sound horrible and I'm not having it. No. How things sound matter a lot to me. Just couldn't do it. I got super lucky in that regard.

2. Have to be clever or intelligent: Again, I got lucky and my butch is both.

That's pretty much my two main requirements. The rest will sift out with time and we'll work it out as it comes up.

[lucid]

My favorite response to this question is "H.O.T."

H. = Housing
O. = Occupation
T. = Transportation

my response is more nuanced, but hot is a good start!

:fireworks:

[imperfect_cupcake]

After some rethinking its

1) patience. If you want instant intensity and passion, it's not me. I want to slowly get to know someone before I decide, before you decide, what we want to do. I may feel a deep attraction, but for me that has never proved a good basis for anything. I have felt deep attraction for people who have turned out to be narcissists, or alcoholics, or addicts, or people with untreated BPD co morbid with bipolar.
Just because I feel attraction does not mean I will go forward with it. And many times attraction takes me a a while to feel because I'm emotionally slow and reserved. If I'm poked at, the only emotion I reveal is irritation and anger.

You have to have the patience. It's ok to be unsure yourself. It's ok to take your time to decide if we are good for each other. I get it. And for the love of fuck, we don't have to have a conversation about it every time we get together, or every time we talk.

It's also ok that we don't do everything according to societal dictates in what "couples should do". And that you have the calm patience to allow what we do to evolve slowly, organically and without pushing.

2) humour. Our humour has to match. I can't stress how important that is.

3) confidence. You are confident enough to give me my independance and know that you still take centre stage in a romantic view. Work comes first for me, my career is my meaning, my love and a passion. It keeps me sane and happy. I won't put my career at risk.
so there are things I can't do that other people can because they aren't a Health Worker under scrutiny by a government agency.
This doesn't threaten you.
My independance doesn't threaten you or make you feel small or unimportant. You "get" that about me. You understand how fiercely loyal I am and that it doesn't have to translate into constant attention/reassurance cycles. You don't pick arguments to get my attention, to get me to talk to you when I'm busy or when I need quiet, down time.
Coming up and just laying next to me and reading your own book, watching a movie with headphones on, or writing your own stuff, with an ankle over mine is just fine.
But sometimes I also want alone time.
And not seeing me for a few days, you aren't constantly worried about what I'm up to, what I am doing, why haven't I contacted you in the last five hours.
Confidence.

[kittygrrl]

Discover how compatible the two of you are


December 10, 2013
how-secure-do-you-feel




According to the Enneagram, you can find out how compatible you are with your partner quite simply by checking out what they called your “Instincts”

We are each endowed with 3 specific instincts that are necessary for our survival. While we have all 3 instincts in us, one of them is our dominant focus. Then we have a second instinct that is used to support the dominant instinct, as well as a third one, which is least developed – a real blind spot in our personality and our values.

These form what they call our “stack”.

Our instinct priority has a huge impact on how compatible we feel with our partner.

If two people have the same first instinct, they are much more likely to get along easily since their basic values and outlook on life are congruent.

Conversely, if your stack is completely opposite to your partner’s, then you can expect tensions and conflicts. Each of you will usually be trying to convert the other.

Most importantly, a healthy balance of all instincts is important. So, if yours is a different stack to your partners, rather than fight about it, you can seek to understand and acknowledge the wisdom in each, learning from each other, and how compatible are youcreating a better balance for both of you. Here are the 3 Instincts:



1. Self Preservation Instinct.

People of this Instinctual type are focused on enhancing their personal security and physical comfort, and can be preoccupied with the basic survival needs, for example, money, food, housing, health, physical safety and comfort. Being safe and physically comfortable are priorities, and they will often bring their supplies with them.

When entering a room, they will tend to notice lighting, uncomfortable chairs, the room temperature, when the coffee break will be, and whether they will like the food provided.

These people often have issues connected with food and drink, either overdoing it or having strict dietary requirements.

They tend also to be the most practical in the sense of taking care of basic life necessities like paying the bills, maintaining the home and workplace, acquiring useful skills.

If this is an instinct that you have least developed, you may not eat or sleep properly, and can lack the drive to accumulate wealth or property, or even care about such matters. Also time and resource management will typically be neglected, often with seriously detrimental effects to your own careers, social life and material well being.



2. Intimacy / Sexual Instinct.

People of this type have a strong desire for intensity of experience and intimacy. This intensity could be found in great conversation or a great movie. The direct riveting gaze is the dead give- away for people of this type.

When they enter a room they gravitate toward people they feel magnetized to, regardless of the person’s potential for helping them or their social standing. It is as if they are looking for the juice.

These people can be intimacy junkies, and have a strong desire to fuse with someone, often neglecting pressing obligations or even basic maintenance if they are swept up in something that has captivated them. This gives a wide ranging exploratory approach to life, but also a lack of focus on one’s own priorities.

If this is the area that is least developed, you will find you avoid intimacies as much as you can, finding ways to not get up close and personal with people.



3. Social Instinct.

People of this type are focused on their interactions with other people and with the sense of value and esteem they derive from their participation in group activities. These include work, family, hobbies and clubs, or any arena in which you can interact with others for some shared purpose. They understand their own and other peoples sense of place in the hierarchy of groups, and can desire attention, recognition, honor, success, fame, leadership and appreciation, as well as the security of being part of something larger than themselves

On entering a room, these people would immediately be aware of the power structures and subtle politics between the different people and groups. They are subconsciously focused on other’s reaction to them, particularly about whether they are being accepted or not.

They need to know what is going on in their world; they need to touch base with others to feel safe alive and energized.

In general they tend to enjoy interacting with people, but they avoid intimacy. They are the most extroverted of the types.

If you have this as your least developed instinct, you will have a lack of interest socially beyond your immediate needs, with very few friends, and will not be very interested in people. You also disregard the opinions of others very easily. You feel you do not need others and others do not need you, thus there may be frequent misunderstandings with others.

It can be interesting to find out what both your own stack is, and also that of your partners’.

This can give you some great information about whether you feel compatible or not, and what you can do about it. For more help in understanding how these forces work in your relationship, come and discover more in our relationship counselling sessions at the Hart Centre.

[Gayandgray]

1) no lying. 2) no cheating. 3) never hit me or you will regret it

[MsTinkerbelly]

Loves me
Loves my child
Thinks I rock the world

Does anything else really matter?

I'm kidding, of course there are other things:

Don't hit me
Don't fight dirty
Be kind to strangers

[Chad]

Always the same 3

No cheating
No lying
No drugs

I would like to add no stealing and no freeloading but it says 3.

Women are beautiful, sweet, yummy humans and that is who I want in my life.

[Poss]

No lying, cheating or stealing,

Things I learnt long ago:
1. If/when your love for me runs dry; say so and move on rather than lie to me, cheat on me and steal from me.
2. Deep and honest communication is paramount; between the sheets as well as at the kitchen table.
3. Love me as I love you in an awakened state of universal consciousness.

[TL1]

Where did this come from? Many good answers.... It's hard to pick 3.


1. Gets me (Because I am different and weird and complex among other things)
2. Nice and sense of humor (hopefully no one needs explanation to that one...and yes I did sneak that extra one in.)
3. Likes to receive (I'm a total giver)

But I want to do a 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 too... Damn. Can we post more than one post with three different things each? Lol

[kittygrrl]

Where did this come from? Many good answers.... It's hard to pick 3.



But I want to do a 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 too... Damn. Can we post more than one post with three different things each? Lol

Yes..3 is only one number :)

[JDeere]

I am going to add here

Cheating
Stealing
Drugs

[homoe]

:readfineprint:

1. Smokers............
2. Alcholics.............
3. Druggies...........

[Bèsame*]

Don't be controlling!

[flapdoodle]

communication

my space

no addictions

[homoe]

1. Being a "know it all"
2. NEVER admitting to being wrong!
3. It's YOUR way or the highway!

[Sweet Bliss]

patience

enjoys my touch

plays fair

[JDeere]

Seems like there is a common theme with some of us on this thread LOL

[C0LLETTE]

no shoplifting
no stiffing servers
no psychobabbling

[DapperButch]

no shoplifting
no stiffing servers
no psychobabbling

Damn it. I'm out.

[C0LLETTE]

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

[DapperButch]

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

And, seriously...shoplifting? Do you come across this much, or just being funny?

[C0LLETTE]

And, seriously...shoplifting? Do you come across this much, or just being funny?

Was an attempt at humour.

[kittygrrl]

kind
thoughtful
unconditional

[clay]

free spirited

able to laugh at yourself

have a kind, gentle, loving heart

[DapperButch]

Was an attempt at humour.

I always get hot and bothered when I see Canadian spellings.

[TL1]

- no games (I'm too old for that shit. Just be real in the way you talk and act. I do not like being confused as it makes me want to give up.)
- must be clean.
- likes to play and have fun but knows how to be serious. Can make me a priority as I would them. Otherwise don't bother.

[Gemme]

Was an attempt at humour.

Some of us....*eyeballs Dapper*...got it.

For me, I don't like being made an accessory in a crime without my permission.

If it feels like you might be the getaway driver, you probably are.

:pirate-steer:

:blink:

[Blade]

To much drama
No jealousy
Must love day trips

[DapperButch]

Some of us....*eyeballs Dapper*...got it.

For me, I don't like being made an accessory in a crime without my permission.

If it feels like you might be the getaway driver, you probably are.

:pirate-steer:

:blink:

Be nice to me! :shocking:

I got it, I just wanted to make sure...

[Lecheloco]

Must be happy for the most part

Knows how to carry themselves in various situations and /or company.

Kind loving and compassionate

[Gemme]

Be nice to me! :shocking:

I got it, I just wanted to make sure...

Don't tell me what to do!

:blink:

[anotherbutch]

must not be judgemental ...

must be independent, have your own interests....

must not be clingy, smothering......

[Sweet Bliss]

no shoplifting
no stiffing servers
no psychobabbling


:rrose::rrose::rrose:

[Sweet Bliss]

unwilling to step up without being asked

playing stupid

not taking care of my pets when I'm in the hospital.

[tantalizingfemme]

Cheating
Lying
Lying about cheating

[easygoingfemme]

Trust me (and be trustable)
Respect me (and be respectable)
Know how to have fun and be happy

[Soft*Silver]

must be able to read me and respond appropriately as often as humanely possible

keep the drama on stage and what does come in our house, let it be from others, not from each other

faithfulness of committment. I am now in a poly marriage that allows other partners, sexual and otherwise. But our core relationship never falters.

[*Anya*]

Demonstrating:

1. Cruelty

2. Narcissism

3. Lack of empathy (see number 2)

4. Zero insight into self

Ok, 4 but I could keep on going

[Medusa]

3 Musts for me:

1. MUST be a stable adult: For me, this means they have a checking account, a stable place to live, and a job of some sort. This doesn't have to mean they have tons of money but it does mean that they would pay their car insurance over buying a new xbox if it came down to it.

2. They must be hella smart with a wicked sense of humor. Smart enough to call me on my shit and funny enough to poke at the irony of it in the first place.

3. They must be honest in every way.



I posted the above almost exactly 5 years ago and it's pretty amazing that my top 3 musts haven't changed.

I'll expand a little as well.

1. On being a stable adult - I want to include emotional stability there as well. I want kindness, an ability to be introspective, the ability to take personal responsibility, an aversion to blaming everyone and everything around you for your behavior, and the ability to wake up with general gratitude every day. Basically, I don't expect my partner to be all kittens and rainbows but I expect them to know themselves, to know their own triggers, and to be able to cope in healthy ways.

2. On being hella smart - They must also be evolved in ways that allow them to dismantle any privilege they have, to be able to meet other people exactly where they are (or leave them where they are), and to be able to "big picture" when they need to. I want analytical thinking when needed punctuated by those moments where we are guffawing with hysterical laughter at the stupidest shit in the world. Oh, and must laugh at farts.

3. Honesty. Non-negotiable. Emotional honest as well as verbal honesty. Knowing that omitting a crucial fact is dishonest.

[*Anya*]

Demonstrating:

1. Cruelty

2. Narcissism

3. Lack of empathy (see number 2)

4. Zero insight into self

Ok, 4 but I could keep on going

I should have specified: NOT demonstrating those negative character or personality traits (or disorders).

[Jar]

Cheating
Lying
Lying about cheating
That would be my list too!

[Martina]

Do not be boring to me. My friends and I can sit around and talk about laundry, and I won't be bored. And there are some people who everyone seems to think fascinating, and are by objective measures, but who I can't wait to get away from. So who knows why some people are interesting to me and others aren't? But be one of those I find interesting.

Do not be one of those fabulous, performative, look-at-me kinda queers. That shit wears me out. Butches, femmes, and other genders can be like this. It can catch the eye and occasionally warm more southerly regions, but for day-to-day living, no thanks.

These are different, but I will lump them into one point. Be capable of empathy, be considerate, and have good manners. Basically, be someone I don't have to train like a stray dog. If you are old, which is likely, and haven't acquired these qualities by now, you are probably an asshole. So, I'll give that a miss.

[legally_b10nde]

1. Abusive - physically or verbally

2. Cheating - lying is part of cheating

3. Arrogance - cockiness or showing swagger is fine.

4. Have a great sense of humor

5. Must be good in the sack

Ooops, I've added two more..... oh well

6. Emotionally & financially stable, responsible

7. Minimum 5'8" or taller

8. Being deceptive with full of B.S and drama

Ooops, now I've added three more! So spank me!! LOL

[JDeere]

I just basically want honesty, respect and no drama!

[kittygrrl]

-a dedication to your sweetheart, that makes you evaluate every issue's importance in the bigger picture of your life together....I think the realization makes you behave more reasonably and be more open to expansive resolutions to the glitches every deep relationship will have-if this doesn't occur to you early, you probably need to rethink whether you're ready for anything deeper

-to think of your sweetheart's needs as equal in value and importance to your own

-realizing goodness, faithfulness, kindness have to be part of what's important to you both

[candy_coated_bitch]

Three non-negotiable:

1) honesty

2) kindness

3) a good sense of humor

[JDeere]

Three non-negotiable:

1) honesty

2) kindness

3) a good sense of humor

A good sense of humor never hurt anyone

[Martina]

A good sense of humor never hurt anyone

JDeere, girls will think you have a good sense of humor if you wear Hello Kitty gear.

[JDeere]

JDeere, girls will think you have a good sense of humor if you wear Hello Kitty gear.

no they wont they will think I'm weird, not the good kind of weird either lol

[Greco]

Honesty...Honesty...Honesty...did I say Honesty?!

and Intelligence/Creativity...glasses a plus...smiling...

loves family...Sensual...Multi-lingual...Compassionate...Loyal...Loyal...Loyal...

did I say...?...smiling...Passionate about her interests...knows that Love is

demonstrated in actions...Loves to move...dance...run...swim...walking...

oh yes and loves to...well, you see I could go on, but will stop here...and knows

that she finds similar and other qualities in me...including the glasses...smiling...

In 2017, may you be embraced by peace of mind, prosperity, and an honest, and

loyal, lovingly caring Beloved. (f) Happy New Year!

Greco

[clay]

Honesty...Honesty...Honesty...did I say Honesty?!


snipped your convo
In 2017, may you be embraced by peace of mind, prosperity, and an honest, and

loyal, lovingly caring Beloved. (f) Happy New Year!

Greco

Hi Greco.....thank you for the wonderful wishes.

I have indeed found all of these attributes & so many more in my best friend, on our journey to love & LTR. I found her in 2016, so my New Year s already triply blessed! Wish same for you my friend!!

[JDeere]

Ohh loyalty is another good one to have.

That is very hard to find these days.

[Greco]

Indeed, high level of discernment required for sure...actions speak louder than words.

Greco


Ohh loyalty is another good one to have.

That is very hard to find these days.

[Lyte]

Communication / Honesty / Fidelity

[JDeere]

Indeed, high level of discernment required for sure...actions speak louder than words.

Greco

Very true, I prefer actions over words!

[imperfect_cupcake]

1) Independence, for both of us. If I do accept someone into my life, they have to compliment it. So they would have to love their own independence of life as much as I love my own. That's the only way it would work.

2) Similar sense of humour. Still on my bare essentials. If they don't have dark humour and love playful sarcasm/irreverent humour, wit, its probably not going anywhere physical.

3) Good Kinky Sex Life.


that they dont smell bad and don't lie is kind of a given. I take that as an unsaid baseline that is so understood by pretty much everyone, it doesn't need saying.

however, I don't care about fidelity, nor do I care if they have money or not. I am happy to pay for dates and holidays. I don't care if they like to fool around at parties, or have dates with long term fwbs they reall care about. As long as their feelings for me are sincere, without dramatics, they put some time aside for me especially, and they are honest/loyal.

You'd think this was a low bar. Apparently not low enough.

[deeds]

I'm flexible on the likes, as everyone is individual and that is interesting to me..
But the women I can't stand to be around are the ones with loud mouths, The ones who carry a chip on their shoulder from their past lovers.And the ones who think their own shit don't stink..

Women like Caroline...
lJp-HER1RvI

[VintageFemme]

Honesty
Loyalty
Compatible sense of humor


Everything else is negotiable.

[Amulette]

Chemistry creating that feeling of *please* come closer. (The healthy kind)
Devotion, passionately, heart to heart. We *love* our love.
Very loving and expressive, prone to impromptu acts of passion.
I adore purity of heart, and kind, honest expression.
Open-mindedness, free thinker, global spirit, adventurous.
Embodies finesse, a grace of spirit.

Someone who bothers to live an interesting life, unapologetically interesting.Then comes home and shares.

[pumpndude]

For Me;

I have to be attracted to the lady and extremely attracted in what they have to offer from the heart...
Be honest, loving, caring, trusting and are really good in the bedroom...

turn off- they get jealous , there not a whole person, glass is half empty or half full...when I'm in a relationship I only have eyes for that femme....I don't get jealous, that's me..

If there is no trust in a relationship then there is no relationship....

They can't sit down and talk about what's bothering them...instead they give you the silent treatment or yell for no reason....not ok !!

[gotoseagrl]

I can't stick to only 3 either. If only I knew these things before learning them the hard way.

1) Consistency - continue being the person portrayed while getting to know each other. Some things will change after the "honeymoon" period, but the person shouldn't. I don't understand this because I, myself, don't know how to be anything other than what I really am, always ... not just while falling in love. Example ... I don't stop wanting to express my love or feelings. I don't stop pursuing common interests or passions.

2) Honesty

3) Core values and beliefs must be in sync. Not everything about two people will be the same, but I can't survive major clashing differences such as how we view life, in general, relationships, health and how we want to live. Our major differences either have to be complimentary or able to co-exist peacefully. Or else.

4) Common interests - Just a few ordinary ones won't cut it. I am passionate and contemplative about too many things that I need to have in my life that I get along best with someone who actively shares at least some of the major interests I have. Last year I discovered a very enlightening project that helped me narrow everything down to four core things I cannot live without.

5) Be humble. I am humble and old-fashioned, and I can't get along with chaos, arrogance, obsession with material things, total selfishness and anything else that goes against being humble and in tune with what I believe life should be about.

6) Sense of humor - laughter is one simple thing that keeps me going.

7) Love - know the difference between real, mature love and selfish, unhealthy "love" where you mostly love the person because of some one-sided void they fill and what they give you ... instead of for who they are and how well you go together.

[knight]

I can't stick to only 3 either. If only I knew these things before learning them the hard way.

1) Consistency - continue being the person portrayed while getting to know each other. Some things will change after the "honeymoon" period, but the person shouldn't. I don't understand this because I, myself, don't know how to be anything other than what I really am, always ... not just while falling in love. Example ... I don't stop wanting to express my love or feelings. I don't stop pursuing common interests or passions.

2) Honesty

3) Core values and beliefs must be in sync. Not everything about two people will be the same, but I can't survive major clashing differences such as how we view life, in general, relationships, health and how we want to live. Our major differences either have to be complimentary or able to co-exist peacefully. Or else.

4) Common interests - Just a few ordinary ones won't cut it. I am passionate and contemplative about too many things that I need to have in my life that I get along best with someone who actively shares at least some of the major interests I have. Last year I discovered a very enlightening project that helped me narrow everything down to four core things I cannot live without.

5) Be humble. I am humble and old-fashioned, and I can't get along with chaos, arrogance, obsession with material things, total selfishness and anything else that goes against being humble and in tune with what I believe life should be about.

6) Sense of humor - laughter is one simple thing that keeps me going.

7) Love - know the difference between real, mature love and selfish, unhealthy "love" where you mostly love the person because of some one-sided void they fill and what they give you ... instead of for who they are and how well you go together.

thank you for your thoughts... very well said.

[deeds]

Chemistry creating that feeling of *please* come closer. (The healthy kind)
Devotion, passionately, heart to heart. We *love* our love.
Very loving and expressive, prone to impromptu acts of passion.
I adore purity of heart, and kind, honest expression.
Open-mindedness, free thinker, global spirit, adventurous.
Embodies finesse, a grace of spirit.

Someone who bothers to live an interesting life, unapologetically interesting.Then comes home and shares.Ahh.You are sweet..
I would like to apply for this position ;)

[Chad]

Mine are always the same,
No cheating
No lies
No drugs

I actually have more but it said three.

[nanners]

1. Integrity
2. Honesty
3. Good communication skills
4. Self supporting and employed
5. Compassion for others
6. Must love cats!

OK, I went above 3 too...but they are very important to me and if I ever date anyone again these things must be true of that person.

[BullDog]

Kind

Positive outlook on life (negative people are a soul sucker)

Smart/Good sense of humor (hey you can't be funny if you're not smart, lol)

[2qt]

Honesty....
Self independence....
Wit & adventurous....
No alcoholics....
Loves life & wants to be part of it, not out of it...

Couldn't stick to just 3 either lol I tried...

[Katniss]

As strange or even counter-intuitive as this may sound, at this point I've ditched the "list of requirements." My own tastes and preferences can be so diverse it seems a shame to saddle someone else with a list of do and do nots. IDK, more opting in, less opting out? This is coming from someone who if I had won the lottery this weekend would have funded both the first chair cello at the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra annnnnd my own NASCAR team.

Katniss~~

[homoe]

1.Smoking
2.Smoking
3.Smoking


Did I mention smoking? :|

[*Anya*]

1.Smoking
2.Smoking
3.Smoking


Did I mention smoking? :|

Um, for or against?

[homoe]

Um, for or against?

OH .;... A G A I N S T

[*Anya*]

I am on a roll tonight and did not follow the rules for the thread. Bear with me, please.

Love me, love me dearly, with all of your heart and soul: for better or worse.

If, by some (very) strange reason, there are some slightly harder to love "things"; communicate them to and with me, openly, honestly and with kindness. I promise I will do my best to hear you.

Honesty always as a tool of self-sustaining love. It is never to be used as a bludgeon of deliberate harm or pain.

Commitment to the long-haul. The forever love. I seem to develop that kind of love fairly easily once I stop being afraid but I then chose to bestow it on those that are not exactly interested in same.

Don't be easily angered. I do also have a propensity for easily angered people. When I was young, I always fell in love with bad boys. Then when I fell for girls; the bad girls. The ones with anger close to the surface of their skin and that one wrong word could make them blow. I spent lots of time walking on egg shells to keep it contained but I always made a wrong move and thar she would blow...

Believe that sex is not only to show love and caring but that it is fun and playful. Please love oral sex; both giving and receiving or know I am not the one for you. I was happily in a relationship for the first 10 years with my long-term stone butch but then she wanted a reciprocal sexual relationship and I fell in love with the giving of oral sex, during our last 9 years together. It is hard to put that genie back in the bottle once it is out and I am too old now to want to. It gives me joy.

Really honor the words "in sickness and health". My recent ex did not like the first part, only the second. It was when I knew I needed to leave her, when she said in a fit of anger one day: "I don't want to have to push you around in a wheelchair when we get old". I keep thinking that the irony will be if it is her that will require pushing by someone and perhaps, with a stroke of good fortune, I won't. We just don't know do we?

Must love music. I love it all from rock to classic to hip hop to opera. Eclectic, I guess.

I would respect and honor a long-term, maintained recovery that is nurtured. I would not be able to handle someone actively practicing their disease of addiction. That is in my daily place of employment. Home needs to be a sanctuary.

I think that about covers it

[kittygrrl]

(in every context)kind
foresight
passionate

[cathexis]

True to Heart (physical a non-issue)
Open minded, hearted
Experimental in all things

[clay]

Great list, Anya! I concur on all your points!!

I am on a roll tonight and did not follow the rules for the thread. Bear with me, please.

Love me, love me dearly, with all of your heart and soul: for better or worse.

If, by some (very) strange reason, there are some slightly harder to love "things"; communicate them to and with me, openly, honestly and with kindness. I promise I will do my best to hear you.

Honesty always as a tool of self-sustaining love. It is never to be used as a bludgeon of deliberate harm or pain.

Commitment to the long-haul. The forever love. I seem to develop that kind of love fairly easily once I stop being afraid but I then chose to bestow it on those that are not exactly interested in same.

Don't be easily angered. I do also have a propensity for easily angered people. When I was young, I always fell in love with bad boys. Then when I fell for girls; the bad girls. The ones with anger close to the surface of their skin and that one wrong word could make them blow. I spent lots of time walking on egg shells to keep it contained but I always made a wrong move and thar she would blow...

Believe that sex is not only to show love and caring but that it is fun and playful. Please love oral sex; both giving and receiving or know I am not the one for you. I was happily in a relationship for the first 10 years with my long-term stone butch but then she wanted a reciprocal sexual relationship and I fell in love with the giving of oral sex, during our last 9 years together. It is hard to put that genie back in the bottle once it is out and I am too old now to want to. It gives me joy.

Really honor the words "in sickness and health". My recent ex did not like the first part, only the second. It was when I knew I needed to leave her, when she said in a fit of anger one day: "I don't want to have to push you around in a wheelchair when we get old". I keep thinking that the irony will be if it is her that will require pushing by someone and perhaps, with a stroke of good fortune, I won't. We just don't know do we?

Must love music. I love it all from rock to classic to hip hop to opera. Eclectic, I guess.

I would respect and honor a long-term, maintained recovery that is nurtured. I would not be able to handle someone actively practicing their disease of addiction. That is in my daily place of employment. Home needs to be a sanctuary.

I think that about covers it

[Gemme]

1. Integrity
2. Honesty
3. Good communication skills


Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

[cathexis]

HONESTY
Meets obligations made
Experimentalism