Caregivers and Stress

[Chad]

Mom is coming for the weekend and we are going to a party at our relatives' house. I said okay I will smoke some ribs. She said good but what are you cooking for Easter dinner?

Easter! I forgot all about it.

Looks like I will spend the weekend cooking, grilling, and smoking food.


:cowboy:

[girl_dee]

Chad that's great that you have that relationship with your mom.

Since i moved away my mom really likes to lay a guilt trip on me, and she is laying it on real thick. Much of my family is coming here (Goddess help me, we are a rowdy bunch) and she isn't. i can't help that. She is going to try everything she can to ruin it for me, so unfortunately i have to limit my communication with her, which makes me sad. she knows i am so happy here.

Each quick hello ends up with her dumping on me, and my feeling like total crap for not being there.

This goes back so far, and its so deep. i cannot imagine doing this to my kids.

[Chad]

Chad that's great that you have that relationship with your mom.

Since i moved away my mom really likes to lay a guilt trip on me, and she is laying it on real thick. Much of my family is coming here (Goddess help me, we are a rowdy bunch) and she isn't. i can't help that. She is going to try everything she can to ruin it for me, so unfortunately i have to limit my communication with her, which makes me sad. she knows i am so happy here.

Each quick hello ends up with her dumping on me, and my feeling like total crap for not being there.

This goes back so far, and its so deep. i cannot imagine doing this to my kids.

I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother.

My situation is very stressful because of my work load and business travel. My mother and I get along okay for short periods of time but eventually get on each other's nerves. I am the only one left in my family so it is my responsibility to take care of her and help to enrich her life.

I respect her and honor her because she is my mother. It is not easy but it is necessary

[girl_dee]

I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother.

My situation is very stressful because of my work load and business travel. My mother and I get along okay for short periods of time but eventually get on each other's nerves. I am the only one left in my family so it is my responsibility to take care of her and help to enrich her life.

I respect her and honor her because she is my mother. It is not easy but it is necessary

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

[Chad]

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

[girl_dee]

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!

[Chad]

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!


Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

[girl_dee]

Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

Yes...

i think for some parents its not a big deal, they respect your privacy. My mom has no boundaries.

If i could do it again........i don't even know.

[girl_dee]

Well my mom hasn't spoken to me since Easter.

She said she was going to stay home all day and cry. My aunt and my sister took her out for the day and she had a good time.

But she still is punishing me. i am going to try again to reach out to her.

[girl_dee]

thank you to the person who sent me the message about not contacting my mom. i REALLY appreciate the insight.

Well she contacted me this morning. She sent me a photo of some newsletter she got from the facility where she lives. It was something crazy about HUD being discontinued and her losing her housing benefits.

and her comment was

"i am going to be living under a bridge"

i responded that i am sorry but thats not going to happen. Nothing i could do to make her stop going off.. so i just left the conversation.

This is weighing on me big time.

[girl_dee]

Thanks to all the folks who sent me messages. i know i am not alone and it sure feels good.

i feel like the worst daughter ever.. she's my MOM i am told. i know who she is. She has never acted like one.

Yes (thank you) i feel like an orphan. i haven't had *parents* in forever.

i don't know if my father is dead or alive, but if he is dead, i won't shed a tear.

[girl_dee]

well, i tried to fix things by calling my mom on FaceTime this morning. i started off real positive and cheerful. That did not last long.

She became hysterically angry at me. She was crying and saying some pretty ugly things. i definitely have lost my good daughter card.

i also realized yesterday, that when things with my mom get flared up, i slide into old self destructive patterns.

its a cycle.

[*Anya*]

I know this is a derail but I must say this: with all kindness and respect, people that do not have severely toxic parents do not understand.

I know each situation is different but all abusive and toxic parents are the same in the way that they destroy your soul.

I have had to deal with a seriously dysfunctional and damaging mother (and father, too) for my whole life.

People have said to me: "But she is your mother". Yes, she is. Very sadly, she is.

They have said: "You are going to feel bad when she dies if you don't even try".

Yes and I have felt badly my entire life.

My last little, tiny kernel of hope for a real, loving mother; will die with her.

I spent 5 years in therapy, starting at age 21, because I did not want to abuse/hurt/harm my own children if I did not learn how to be different than my mother.

I would sit in therapy and cry my heart out, asking repeatedly, "But why doesn't she love me?"

My therapist, like a broken record, would say, "Because she can't".

It took me the whole 5 years to get to the point of acceptance of this simple fact and to believe that I would be a different mother with my children than the one I was born to.

And I was.

I tried multiple times to connect with her (and my father) over the years, but either her damaging criticism of me or the repeated litany of all of the grudges she carried and never let go, would be repeated, no matter what I tried to talk about or how I attempted to get the conversation on a positive track:

"You never practiced the piano. We got you lessons and you just wouldn't do it. The boys play beautifully now because they practiced." This was always said to guests when they would walk in the house: "They all had lessons but only the boys stuck with it. Anya quit". I would always feel ashamed and embarrassed as though a I had done something terribly wrong.

"Your grades could have been much better , you do have a brain, you just never used it. Note- I got C's, D's and F's in high school due to being so beaten down mentally and physically.

In college-I had an almost a straight A average. I got an award in nursing school for being the best student- what did mom and dad say: "See, we knew you could do it. We just never understood why you never even tried".

The last time I was at my parents, probably 6 years ago, before dad broke his hip and they moved into assisted living; my father gave me all of my report cards from second grade through 12th. They also had an IQ test I don't recall ever taking.

Their point? To show me how poorly I did in school and to show me how smart I was so they could again dive into my underachievement history.

To what end? To what purpose?

My perspective on that is that by making me the focus of all of their anger (frequently at each other) they never had to think about themselves as long as I was the punching bag (literally and metaphorically).

Somehow, the worse I felt, the more self-righteous they felt. They would feel better when I felt worse.

I gathered everything up that day, said I have to go now and walked out.

After that, they stopped talking to me again and I said: enough.

I honor all of you for being good sons, daughters, spouses, lovers and caring for parents and loved ones the way that you do. I read this thread even though it makes me sad.

I wish that I had parents (now just my mom. Dad died last August. I was not allowed to go to the funeral) that I could help.

It just is not the way that it is.

I want to close by saying that my youngest daughter told me yesterday that she and her boyfriend just got approved for a house in LA. She said to me: "Mom it has a downstairs apartment. We got it so that when you get to where you need help, you can come live with us".

I still cry with happiness to even write it.

Some parents are so toxic, it is best to avoid them like the plague that they are. Of course, frequently it was not my healthy choice to avoid them.

My coming out in 1978 earned me a 15- year no-talking ban. It actually was the beginning of putting together the crumbs of insight that I had learned in therapy. Those 15 years were a blessing, in retrospect.

[Kätzchen]

I totally hear both Dee and Anya. :rrose:

I agree with Dee that it's a cycle.

I agree with Anya's therapists' assessment that her mother couldn't understand because she can't /couldn't.

And, for me, because the two scenarios above which are persistent and present in both Dee and Anya's situational experiences, is exactly the reason why I *had* to break ties with my family, years ago. I went 10 years enforcing a no contact code between myself and my parents and siblings because of the cyclic nature of toxic relational ties between members of my family. I too have spent lots of time in therapy, during my ten year break from my family: Only to discover that for my own sanity, and safety and peace of mind, that the toxic controlling behaviors of my parents and siblings was something I did *not* have to be a participant in.

The behaviors of my parents and siblings are still present in their lives, still to this day. It's why I literally moved myself physically away from where I grew up. I can visit with my mother by phone....but it's not peachy, all the time. When it gets to be too much work for me to navigate between any of us, I distance myself from them. It's about the only "signal" they cognizantly understand (if ever), due to the ten years I enforced a zero contact situation between myself and them.

I'm actually worried that my mother is perilously close to having a massive stroke, which would upend the cozy, unhealthy reliance my siblings enjoy with my mother. Even lately, when I encourage my mother with steps she could take to look out for herself, rather than my remaining siblings, it's like she can't hear me or is so deeply entangled in the vicious cycle that it scares her to take steps to end her role in my family's unhealthy scenarios.

Anyway.... I just wanted to share about my own family dilemmas because it's imperative that I remain vigilant in safe guarding myself when engaging with members of my family.

And too, to express thar my heart goes out to Anya and Dee and anyone else who is dealing with ongoing family issues.

[Kelt]

Hey girl_dee

I've been reading your posts and just want you to know I hear what you are saying. The emotional wear and tear of this is exhausting, especially over time. I don't know how long you have been at it but I'm only two years on, also long distance for self preservation, though for different reasons.

My mother has fairly early dementia, zero short term memory, and it's tough in very weird ways. We got along fine when I was in my twenties, then she disappeared for 25+ years (my father didn't like us talking) and then out of the blue my father had a massive stroke and since then she has needed everything. She won't do anything to help herself except complain. Daily.

The nurse I have hired for her and to manage the caregivers told me that he thinks she has "weaponized passivity" down to a science.

I chronicled the whole mess for the first year in this thread but since then I've realized that it.just.won't.stop. Until she dies. I never had kids or siblings so I never had to develop the inexhaustible well of patience required to do this.

All that to say I understand the dread for the daily call, the self harming cycles, the rollercoaster of "what now?", and the just plain old have to keep doing this. I am glad you are posting, it's nice (?) to hear how you are dealing with things, it's easy to get isolated.

[Greco]

Anya, Katzchen, girl_dee...as you know
I don't usually share my personal story, but I
feel compelled to share with you a small part
of my early story, and a bit of my now life.

I too am a survivor of severe emotional, physical
abuse at the hands of a step-mother. Somehow I
found the strength at 6yo to show one of my paternal
aunts my legs, arms, and back...my aunt took me
out of that place that very day. My paternal aunt
was what Alice Miller calls an "enlightened witness", that
is she protected me without question, and loved me until
her death in 2004. She loved classical music and played
it always at home. Classical music = love for me.

More cycles came in my life until I left home at 16
and never returned.

"No Contact" was imperative for my well-being
and until this day I count as my family only
my sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews and their
children. My paternal aunt died awhile ago as I've
mentioned but I know I'll see her again.

I want the ten commandments to begin with Honor thy Children.

Today, and for the last 3 decades one of my callings
has been as psychotherapist and yes, I "walk" with people
through the pain and darkness of their early, and not so early
abuse by personality disordered parents, families, partners, and
friends. This is not a "plug" for me, but an example of
how I pass on my own healing. My own therapy/healing
from abuse has been long, and has continued throughout
years in practice.

Anya, when you said and I quote, "I spent 5 years in
therapy, starting at age 21, because I did not want to
abuse/hurt/harm my own children if I did not learn
how to be different than my mother.", it brought tears
of joy to my heart, kudos for being a good mother, a
safe and loving mother.

Katzchen, kudos to you as well for doing the hard work
it takes to heal and having the strength of going no contact
with your family.

girl_dee, I've learned to honor only those that
honor me no matter who they are...there are
many survivors on this site and others who have
healed from abuse from parental figures. You are
not alone, and you are not crazy, or bad.

The characteristics that I have found in the people I work
with and myself are inner strength, courage, and resilience
off the charts. Without these characteristics we wouldn't
still be here, and another factor that is a spiritual one.

I'll stop here and say that Self-care - Self-protection = Self-Trust and Self-Love.

with much respect, and fondly, Greco

[girl_dee]

girl_dee, I've learned to honor only those that
honor me no matter who they are...there are
many survivors on this site and others who have
healed from abuse from parental figures. You are
not alone, and you are not crazy, or bad.



it is abuse. every interaction now is her unloading on me about how i dumped her in that place and took off.

i cannot deal with it.

[girl_dee]

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

[Greco]

girl_dee, that is painful beyond words, yes.

In healing from abuse from a maternal/paternal figure
I will share with you that seeing loving parents would
trigger deep grieving for me. Therapy with a therapist
who had healed, and was knowledgeable was what I
did to feel this grieving and heal.

And I found in this process that I have my ideal mother, and
ideal father within myself. And that I could love myself the
way I wanted my mother and father to love me.

It takes take time, find a caring, knowledgeable therapist
and be tender, gentle with yourself.

fondly, Greco




how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

[girl_dee]

girl_dee, that is painful beyond words, yes.

In healing from abuse from a maternal/paternal figure
I will share with you that seeing loving parents would
trigger deep grieving for me. Therapy with a therapist
who had healed, and was knowledgeable was what I
did to feel this grieving and heal.

And I found in this process that I have my ideal mother, and
ideal father within myself. And that I could love myself the
way I wanted my mother and father to love me.

It takes take time, find a caring, knowledgeable therapist
and be tender, gentle with yourself.

fondly, Greco


Yesterday while she was unloading on me, i felt s sad for her. She is so broken.i think i underestimated how miserable she is

[Gemme]

it is abuse. every interaction now is her unloading on me about how i dumped her in that place and took off.

i cannot deal with it.

You have to protect yourself. It may seem harsh, but if communication with her is hurting you, limit that. Cut it completely for a certain amount of time if necessary. Give her a boundary.....if you won't speak to me respectfully, then I will not communicate with you for one month....or whatever works for you....and then stand by it. She will push your boundary. Probably run it over from the sounds of it, but we MUST maintain boundaries with the people that are the reason for a lot of our other boundaries.

I had to compartmentalize very well when I was younger between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my abuser. Maybe too well. It's a light switch for me. You won't respect me and my boundaries? You push me repeatedly? Fine. I'm done. I don't expect anyone else to do that but it's how I've had to be. I've had to cut people out or they would drag me down into their misery quicksand. It was survival.

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

I feel longing followed by either anger or resentment towards my mom. Then I remember that there's no such thing as normal and usually start to wonder what their 'stuff' is, because every family has stuff.

[girl_dee]

i met with my fam today to talk about my mom.

Someone suggested that i have a talk with her, to let her know that if every single communication is her dumping on me and coming at me with daggers, i will have to stop communicating

That probably should have happened long ago rather than me trying to *fix* her every single time, which never works and results in some really dark stuff for me.

[girl_dee]

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????

[*Anya*]

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????


Honestly, I have struggled with it for years.

What is "it"?

In a nutshell, I try to use the Serenity Prayer when it comes to my mother and until my dad died last August, with him, too.

I can not make my mother be different. I do not have the power to make her a kind and loving person. I can not get her to be happy that she has me for a daughter. She is 89 now so there won't be some miracle intervention happening for her.

My mom is who she is and who she will always be. My father was the same.

Then, he died.

The difference is that I have come to a place of acceptance with both of them.

It still makes me sad. I wish that things had been different for all of us. I have always felt like an orphan and when I was a kid, I did used to pray that something would happen to them so I could be adopted by a loving family like some of my friends had.

It didn't and we get the parents that we get.

You can't change your mom. You know in your heart that you have done the very best that you can. You truly have to believe that there is not one more magic thing that you could try. If you don't really believe it, you will feel guilt and feel torn that somehow this or other choices that she makes, are your fault.

Guilt is not productive and it can eat you up.

I have read your posts about your mom. You know that you can't change her. We really do not have power over anyone else's bad decisions or choices.

Even when we love them.

(((Femme hug)))

[girl_dee]

Anya (((( thank you ))))))

at this point, i don't want to change her. i just want the power to be in a place where i don't feel hurt anymore.

My sister who has NEVER had to deal with my mom, has to now. i am not one bit sorry that i am not there. She is going to pack up my mom, and deal with the red tape of HUD, the movers, the utilities, the bank, the doctors, the everything.

She texted me all day yesterday and said "this is all your fault for moving away" ... then added a "lol"

Like mother like daughter.

i just don't want to have anything to do with this anymore.

AND i am going on a kinky weekend trip, and my mother will be here visiting and staying with me, when i get back.

:praying:

[girl_dee]

my mom is going home after her 4 days with me. it is so hard as this is my sacred space and her negative energy is in my space.

Yesterday, her last day, she was completely miserable and difficult. Guilt trip on overload. This is how she wants to spend the little time we have together. She reminded me at least 4.5 million times that i moved and left her. How no one cares about her. She is moving in a week and can't pay the movers. She is almost 80 and still chasing contentment.

Maybe its because i came home to her being in my sacred space after 5 days of kink and fun and feel more powerful... i cannot let her ruin my mood. Maybe its because i am finally realizing that she is just going to be miserable no matter what i do, but she just isn't getting to me. At least i don't think so. okay maybe a little.


One more hour and i drop her off with the family to take her home.

SO bittersweet,

[girl_dee]

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

[Teddybear]

Ms Dee

Let by start by saying thank you for this thread. I responded when you first posted and prayed that it would be years before it ever fell to me to be a caregiver. It was but not long enough.

I have always been afraid that it would be my father I would have to care for and it turns out it is my mother.

I came home when she got sick and thought I would be here a week or two that is now going on 2.5 months.

My job lets me work from home however I am being told I am not doing my job. When I ask what am I not doing I am told you are not here. :| I see this as a quilt trip from work because now my coworkers r atully having to do their jobs.

I found a job in Atlanta, found an apartment and moved in. The day before I was suppose to start my mom had a break down and I postponed starting for a week.

The night before I was to start I was leaving her house to go to my apartment and I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital. It was bad. I took her to my apartment. We stayed there 2 nights and she couldn't handle it.

So I commute 1.5 to 2 hours one way. I work the job from Dallas when I get home at night and on weekends.

I am stressed to the max. I ask for time for myself and she acts like a 2 yr old.

She refuses to let my brothers stay here unless I am here. I have found out why and I agree.

I know I need time for me and have asked for it. NOw getting my brothers, and or mother to comply is the issue.

My brothers will be here for the 4th of July next weekend and I am hoping to have some time to myself. I will update after the weekend.

I am afraid that as much time as my mom requires will ruin my relationship. My gf understands what I am going thru she went thru it with her mom.

I just wonder how it can survive when we cant have any alone time. She lets us stay here but every waking moment all 3 of us are together. By time its bed time we are so sleepy all we can do is sleep.

How do you tell your parent NO, how do you get them to hear you need time also and not just time to and from work?

I want to thank everyone for allowing me the space to say what I need to say and for any and all suggestions

[girl_dee]

Teddybear...

I was hoping to hear about how things are going.

It seems we have the same.mom.

After this round i have really checked out. I just cant keep putting myself out there.

I hope you can do the same.

Its so painful but allowing anyone to hurt you like this is just not acceptable.

[Chained Daisy]

Truly, my own heartaches for all the heartache I read of here. I went no contact with my own mother for the last year of her life {not that I knew it would be her last at the time} after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse it was the best decision I ever made. I should of done it years before. That said she has been dead 10 years now and as a middle aged woman who has survived more than my fair share of lifes troubles I am still scared of her.....still. Such are the long lasting effects of an abusive childhood. They say the best revenge {if thats what is needed} is to live a good life and thrive, I try, some days are harder and than others. Let your inner voice speak to yourself with kindness, you deserve it. :bunchflowers:

[Chad]

I am struggling to find balance these days.

My dad raised me to be a provider and handyman. Work ethic was rule number one in my dad's eyes. I can fix mom's car, fix her home, take care of her yard work but caregiver is not easy for me.

I will do the best that I can with my limited experience and ask for help when needed. Asking for help is hard but it will become necessary somtimes.

My goal is to keep mom healthy and happy.

[girl_dee]

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

[Chained Daisy]

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

Crazy it is dee, it always amazes me how we manage to be so manipulated and made to feel such guilt for the slightest thing by someone who feels not an ounce of guilt for the endless distress they inflict on us.

[Teddybear]

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

[girl_dee]

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

Oh this could be good!

[girl_dee]

My mom decided yesterday that she is going to move out here with me. She hates the entire state of Louisiana and says she wants to.be here. Two days ago she said she is never moving again and disowned me for causing her grief. Now i am.her best friend because she wants something. Ugghh the emotions!

She is staying with my aunt, and not in the new apartment that she just had them move her to.

It took me three months to get her out of my house and into her apartment which was 30 feet out my back door. She just insisted that she should be able to stay IN my house. She doesn't care that she's in the way and invading other people's space. She wants to be under the same roof and live on the couch.

We warned my aunt.

[Teddybear]

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


O both brothers showed up today to help me move my stuff out of my apartment and back to storage.

My baby brothers car broke down( how convenient). My middle brother, his wife and Momma took him home. I was left alone at home. Seems the family meeting we were going to have just evaporated, however I made sure to have a talk with each bother and momma was there. Seems she has told them when I wasn't there that I only needed 2-3 hours once a month. I made sure they were told that wasn't true. My baby brother has a chip on his shoulder about having to come down and spend a weekend every other month.

Funny how my mom was complaining about the drive from here to Atlanta and back here however she got really ticked when it was suggested that she stay home to take M back home. So everyone agreed to let her go.

She has called me 3 times since they have left been gone about 3 hours. I asked her are yall going to dinner her answer not yet. I said ok but are you. She just couldn't tell me without making a big deal out of it. I told her I just wanted to know so I could go get something to eat. She finally said yes they were.

I can see now that if things don't change I wont be here long. I am starting to feel like this was everyones plan without letting me know All that does is make me feel used.

[Chad]

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

:sigh:

[homoe]

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternative facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

:sigh:

I can relate Chad ...It's so hard to watch parents as they age. We tend to remember them from our child's eye.

[Teddybear]

I can relate Chad ...It's so hard to watch parents as they age. We tend to remember them from our child's eye.

My brothers are having this problem. I cant get them to understand she isn't the Mom we had 10 years ago hell even 2 years ago.

I am hoping that they see it

[Chained Daisy]

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

:sigh:

That is a worry. When I was in a similar situation I found the challenge was to work out of it was par for the course as my Father aged or if it was the first signs of dementia. All I could really do was watch and wait and offer support when needed. It always amazes me how the years can take their toll on some and others stay bright as a button to the very end. Life is a lottery.

[Chad]

That is a worry. When I was in a similar situation I found the challenge was to work out of it was par for the course as my Father aged or if it was the first signs of dementia. All I could really do was watch and wait and offer support when needed. It always amazes me how the years can take their toll on some and others stay bright as a button to the very end. Life is a lottery.

Thank you, I need to plan for a better situation with mom.
She lives alone and that will become an issue soon.

[Chained Daisy]

Thank you, I need to plan for a better situation with mom.
She lives alone and that will become an issue soon.

I see, that must be a constant worry for you. I hope you find a solution that keeps her safe and you both happy.

[Chad]

I see, that must be a constant worry for you. I hope you find a solution that keeps her safe and you both happy.

Thank you, it is hard but I am strong.

[girl_dee]

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.



UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

[girl_dee]

Today's lunch with mom has me concerned. She was an hour early for lunch, she keeps getting time mixed up and missing doctor appointments, and today she created alternate facts about a trip that we took.

I am concerned.

:sigh:

Yes you are strong, and you will need to be, this isn't for the weak thats for sure.

Hang in there, Chad

[Chad]

Yes you are strong, and you will need to be, this isn't for the weak thats for sure.

Hang in there, Chad

Thank you Dee, I am pondering all this.

[girl_dee]

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


O both brothers showed up today to help me move my stuff out of my apartment and back to storage.

My baby brothers car broke down( how convenient). My middle brother, his wife and Momma took him home. I was left alone at home. Seems the family meeting we were going to have just evaporated, however I made sure to have a talk with each bother and momma was there. Seems she has told them when I wasn't there that I only needed 2-3 hours once a month. I made sure they were told that wasn't true. My baby brother has a chip on his shoulder about having to come down and spend a weekend every other month.

Funny how my mom was complaining about the drive from here to Atlanta and back here however she got really ticked when it was suggested that she stay home to take M back home. So everyone agreed to let her go.

She has called me 3 times since they have left been gone about 3 hours. I asked her are yall going to dinner her answer not yet. I said ok but are you. She just couldn't tell me without making a big deal out of it. I told her I just wanted to know so I could go get something to eat. She finally said yes they were.

I can see now that if things don't change I wont be here long. I am starting to feel like this was everyones plan without letting me know All that does is make me feel used.

This cannot be much fun for you. So sorry!

[Chad]

[quote=girl_dee;1153136][COLOR="Navy"]This cannot be much fun for you. So sorry!

Pardon me, I made a mistake.

[Teddybear]

Well this weekend was so full of negative energy it wasn't funny. I did find an ally with my sister-n-law. The oldest of my 2 brothers finally just stopped talking to me. I still don't know what the issue is, to be honest i don't think he does either.

After they left this morning my mom told me it isn't fair that it is all put on me :l REALLY!!!!

She finally said she knows I work more then my brothers and she appreciates what I do.

I had to remind my brothersthat I'm working 100 hrs us a week including the 20+ hrs a week commuting to and from work. The look on their faces was priceless and I told them that didn't include the time I did things for Momma so they could help out once a month. She backed me up. Let's see what happens

[girl_dee]

Well this weekend was so full of negative energy it wasn't funny. I did find an ally with my sister-n-law. The oldest of my 2 brothers finally just stopped talking to me. I still don't know what the issue is, to be honest i don't think he does either.

After they left this morning my mom told me it isn't fair that it is all put on me :l REALLY!!!!

She finally said she knows I work more then my brothers and she appreciates what I do.

I had to remind my brothersthat I'm working 100 hrs us a week including the 20+ hrs a week commuting to and from work. The look on their faces was priceless and I told them that didn't include the time I did things for Momma so they could help out once a month. She backed me up. Let's see what happens

Well i hope good things are in store for you!

[Teddybear]

Well i hope good things are in store for you!

Me too!!!:praying::praying::praying:

[girl_dee]

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.


i called my mom and she was crying when i called her. She is SO down. She still has not slept in the new apartment yet, and just wants me to fix this but not in so many words. She wants me to find her a place here which she knows she cannot afford.

i have to completely distract myself so i don't get wrapped up in her stuff.

[girl_dee]

well my mom is in deep now. This move was the biggest mistake ever. My aunt had to pretty much PUSH her out so she finally slept in the new place.... she hates it.

She is just plain mean at this point. She knows she made a huge mistake, and has no recourse.

i can't fix this , and its killing me. i always fix things when she mucks it up. Part of our dysfunction has been me bailing her out of bad situations. i have to let that go.

Everything in me says to stop contacting her, because her backlash is severe, but i just can't stop reaching out.

[Teddybear]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

[girl_dee]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

i left town, thats the ONLY way my sister to step up, and she has done very very little. When she does she tries to make me feel so horrible for having to do anything for my mom... its passive aggressive or in the way of humor she knows its not funny.

[MsTinkerbelly]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

[girl_dee]

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you


Thank you Tinks!

[kittygrrl]

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day :heartbeat:

[Teddybear]

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Ms Tink

Thank you. She stays by herself for 70 hrs I work from home the other 30+ or so. However she calls me at almost 5 pm daily to see if I have left yet. I'm a salaried employee so there is no such thing as 5 pm leaving. I worked till 8 Thursday night OMG I thought she was going to blow a stack. Once off I had to tell her that there would be days I wouldn't get out tge door at 5 or 530(when I usually leave). I also told her if she did what she said she was going to do I could b home quicker.

We did address that today she flat out refused to leave her home. I can understand that. Her and my dad designed and built this place. It isn't my home. For 14 years I wasn't allowed here. In some ways I hate it.

She is mad at me right now because I am planning on not being here the weekend my gf comes in. It is why my brother has to be here the first weekend of August.

I told my brother last weekend they could alternate. My other brother is 12 hrs away. If he came he would b there with her Saturday until 9-10 Sunday morning. I think they are just thinking I dont want to be with Momma. The truth is THEY need to have this time with her.

My mom told me that she wants to make up for the years I wasn't here. You all know you can't but you can move on and cherish this time together.

Thank you for this outlet. I'm afraid if I didn't have it I would surely let my mouth overload the rest of me.

[girl_dee]

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day :heartbeat:

thanks for the reminder Kitty! i am sorry you have regrets.

i have fought against this very thing because i don't want more guilt when she is gone.

The mom i remember is a lesser version of this one.

i am going to hold on to as much good stuff as i can find though, so thank you

[girl_dee]

Today is the worst that i have experienced with her. She is trying to punish me, and i guess its working.

I woke up with a punch in my gut..

I am very close to not being able to contact her anymore.

Thank you all for your supportive notes. This is SO
hard.

[Teddybear]

Why does it have always be a struggle? My mom is back in the hospital. She had blood work done on Thursday. They called Friday afternoon to tell her that her INR was a 7 suppose to be between 2-4 for her to report o the ER now!!!! She called me in a panic. I told her to go I would be there ASAP( I work an 1.5hrs away with NO traffic in Atlanta), she told me she would wait for me to get there to take her. It was on. She refused to listen to me TG the doctor's office called back and told her to come to their office and retest. They are connected to the hospital.

Her INR is now at an 8. They make her go to the ER. I get there and "discover" stuff is going on other than the INR. They admit her.

Now y'all know it is now a waiting game. She got into a room around 11pm only to be moved again at 5 am.

It is about 3 weeks until my scheduled weekend off so I am making plans s to meet friends from Texas half way. I told her about it and again she has changed her mind about how things are going to work. I had to tell her NO. I was coming back we had someone to stay with her the 1 night I was going to be gone.

Then she told me to move back to Texas she would go live with one of my brothers. Now that stung.

I have offered alternatives so my commute wouldn't be so long daily or weekly. She isn't having no part of it. I'm not sure how to approach the subject without sounding mean.

I so want to tell her I have turned my life upside down to do what needs to be done she needs to give also however I wasnt raised to talk to my mom that way.

I have a laundry list of things she wants me to do around the house while she is in the hospital plus be at the hospital.

I looked in the mirror this morning and still there is only 1 of me. So I'm home doing them she just has to wanted.

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated

[girl_dee]

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated


Thank you for sharing, it definately helps me to unload it here and not feel judged.

[Kobi]

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.

[Teddybear]

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.




Kobi

Thank you for this insight. I myself find myself feeling resentful for changing my life completely. I was exiled for 14 years and now I'm the sole care giver. I pushing my brothers to come one weekend a month so I can have time but mostly so they can have time with her.

One brother has a family the other doesn't. My mom tells me she KNOWS they don't want to be here with her. I hate she knows that and I hate they show her that. After she is gone if you act like she didn't matter to you ok she would never know but it's wrong to be doing it now.

I know it weighs on her knowing she is in frail health and is doing everything she can to hold on to who she was 6 months ago. I don't know how to help her be even who she was before she got sick. It's a work in progress that for every one step forward there are 10 backwards.

I wish that I had been better prepared for this part of my life.

[girl_dee]

i called my mom after church yesterday... was not a good idea, but i don't know when it IS a good idea to call her, and i want to call her. i don't know WHY i want to call her. Why do i expect that one of these days we will have a normal mother daughter conversation.

She said she need $600 to move BACK to the other place where she was miserable and hated it. She said there is nothing to do where she is and she's just sitting around waiting to die.

i don't have it to give her, and i gave her money i couldn't spare for this move.

It was hard to end the call without a solution for her. She just has to tough it out.

this is very new as i have always had a solution for her

[Teddybear]

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.

[girl_dee]

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.


yay ! a good day is a wonderful thing ...

[girl_dee]

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's new to me.

[Teddybear]

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's new to me.



Oh I know this behavior. I have tried to get my mom to go to senior center to meet others. Oh she acts like a 2 yr old when it is even brought up.

She has friends from work however she doenst want anything to do with them?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am baffled at where this came from but to hear her tell it she has no friends outside of work and doesn't want any. We have had to talk about the fact she thinks she should be enough for me to socialize with. NO IT ISNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok today is a day full of work and running. NEXT weekend I get off and I am going out of town. Watch out Vicksburg

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom called me for a recipe for lemonade today.

Alzheimer's runs in our family, and my mom and my sister and I are constantly on the lookout for signs that it could be rearing its ugly head in any of us. My mom does forget things; she's easily distracted. It's probably just old age, but I know it bothers her whenever she misplaces something, or she can't wrap her head around a project.

In today's case, she said she was looking in her cookbooks for a recipe for lemonade. I'm not surprised she couldn't find one, but I didn't say so. Then she asked how I make my lemonade. (Here we come to the real point of the call.) I told her in the simplest way I could imagine, without having to measure anything. Then she said, "Oh, of course, that's the way I make mine too."

It's distressing, these little signs of losing one's mind slowly. It's most distressing because I know it's distressing to her. I think the days of her being able to live mostly on her own, with frequent visits from me and my sister are numbered. I don't know how soon it will be, but I'm pretty sure she will need full-time care soon.

[girl_dee]

My mom called me for a recipe for lemonade today.

Alzheimer's runs in our family, and my mom and my sister and I are constantly on the lookout for signs that it could be rearing its ugly head in any of us. My mom does forget things; she's easily distracted. It's probably just old age, but I know it bothers her whenever she misplaces something, or she can't wrap her head around a project.

In today's case, she said she was looking in her cookbooks for a recipe for lemonade. I'm not surprised she couldn't find one, but I didn't say so. Then she asked how I make my lemonade. (Here we come to the real point of the call.) I told her in the simplest way I could imagine, without having to measure anything. Then she said, "Oh, of course, that's the way I make mine too."

It's distressing, these little signs of losing one's mind slowly. It's most distressing because I know it's distressing to her. I think the days of her being able to live mostly on her own, with frequent visits from me and my sister are numbered. I don't know how soon it will be, but I'm pretty sure she will need full-time care soon.

Big hugs....yes those signs are hard.

[Teddybear]

Back to the ER we go.

I am sure they are going to run test as to why she is having the blood loss issues. The drs know I won't just let them blow this off.

I'll update later.

[girl_dee]

Back to the ER we go.

I am sure they are going to run test as to why she is having the blood loss issues. The drs know I won't just let them blow this off.

I'll update later.

Please let us know how things are going..........

[Teddybear]

Please let us know how things are going..........

Not good. She is bleeding again. I'm totally convinced that it is a GI issue and not due to the blood thinners.

Tomorrow they do scopes and hopefully we'll have some answers. Here's my Catch 22 I have a job interview at 9:30 in the morning an hour from the hospital but closer to where we live that my commute would be knocked in half every week.

I hated to leave her tonight and come home but I have got to have some rest prior to the interview can't go in looking like an old Haggard man that's been out on the street for a month or two.

I will update more tomorrow after the test and I get answers.

Thank you all for the kind notes of encouragement during this time

[girl_dee]

Thanks for the update.. please let us know how everything goes

[Teddybear]

Sitting in a waiting room is no fun especially first damm thing in the morning.

Once I get some answers I will post an update.

Thank you all for listening and the encouragement.

[Teddybear]

Well the test showed she has several ulcers in her colon and another pyolp.


She had a scope in February where they removed several pyolps that are likely to return and when they come back they are usually malignant. She has already fought and once a battle with Colon-rectal cancer. So now we have 3 months to wait.

Thank you for all for healing energy and prayers

[Teddybear]

uggggg.....

How do you get them to listen???!!! I come home to her telling me what we HAVE to do after doctor appts on Monday. I said ok and then asked her do you have everything your are suppose to do finished?

"NO but we can take this down to the lawyer and then I will just put this other stuff here with my will."

"Wait you told me that you had to give it to the lawyer once you finished it so that it could be included with your will"

Its been months and every other day she changes what she wants and how she wants things done.

I don't know what she wants because it has changes so often. I sometimes wonder if she keeps changing it with me to keep me off balance. She is great at pushing buttons and of course our parents know what buttons to push they installed them.

Just needed a vent moment. I know that no matter what she will do exactly what she wants.

[girl_dee]

i had a hard convo with my mom, then found out the things she told me are not even true.

i have concerns about ending up like her one day.

Then i start thinking thats exactly the kind of thing she would do.

i've never had a maternal mom, but i still miss the old her that i could at least talk to.

[Teddybear]

So this past weekend I got my time off. Well there was drama prior to me leaving but I stood firm and left. Had a great time.

Things with Momma have taken a turn and not for the better. We think she may have had a small stroke. CT has been ordered hopefully this week.

I could go on however I'm whooped and need sleep

Have a good evening

[Teddybear]

I could bite a 10penny nail in two.

Got Momma back into the ER. She had a CT scan and it showed a stroke. The doctor called said getting her to the ER for this and that. We have been here 5+ hours and we still don't know any DAMM thing.

Answers dammit. Like NOW

My brothers want to know why I haven't told them I thought it was a stroke when it happened. I'm like as y'all keep reminding me I am NOT a doctor.


I'm just done with the inadequate care I feel my mom is getting. It is extremely frustrating to say the least.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I could bite a 10penny nail in two.

Got Momma back into the ER. She had a CT scan and it showed a stroke. The doctor called said getting her to the ER for this and that. We have been here 5+ hours and we still don't know any DAMM thing.

Answers dammit. Like NOW

My brothers want to know why I haven't told them I thought it was a stroke when it happened. I'm like as y'all keep reminding me I am NOT a doctor.


I'm just done with the inadequate care I feel my mom is getting. It is extremely frustrating to say the least.

When parents get to be "of an age", Doctor's seem to forget they are people loved by their family. When my Mom was on dialysis, we struggled to keep her blood pressure high enough to complete her sessions. One day her doctor looked at me and said, "let her eat whatever she wants, let her smoke if it makes her happy"... I looked at him and he nodded....he had given up on her getting any better.

She was only 70 years old, and he didn't feel she was worth a try.

[Teddybear]

When parents get to be "of an age", Doctor's seem to forget they are people loved by their family. When my Mom was on dialysis, we struggled to keep her blood pressure high enough to complete her sessions. One day her doctor looked at me and said, "let her eat whatever she wants, let her smoke if it makes her happy"... I looked at him and he nodded....he had given up on her getting any better.

She was only 70 years old, and he didn't feel she was worth a try.

Sorry you had to deal with that. It's a shame it has come to this.


Oh my mom is only 70 and I refuse to let them think she isn't worth it. And they KNOW it.

I research everything and talk to them like I am a colleague. I can carry on that conversation and they have yet to try and out do me I am sure because I come prepared.

I am hoping they finish and let her go home with an appointment for tomorrow or keep her right now it do something time or I may show my a$$

[girl_dee]

that is another perspective, dealing with the medical teams in regards to our parents.

my mom isn't speaking to me right now, but maybe that's better than the heartache that comes after i do talk to her.

This cold shoulder is bringing up lots of "stuff" and none of it is any good.

Hard to talk about.

[Teddybear]

that is another perspective, dealing with the medical teams in regards to our parents.

my mom isn't speaking to me right now, but maybe that's better than the heartache that comes after i do talk to her.

This cold shoulder is bringing up lots of "stuff" and none of it is any good.

Hard to talk about.



I dont know what is worse them NOT speaking to us or what they say to us when they are talking to us.

My mom in the last week has asked me NOT to have top surgery until after she is gone then she told me not to get a kayak until after she is gone. I asked why and she told me because she is scared of them I told her i wasnt asking her to get in it. She got real hateful and said then just get the damm thing.

I am not sure if that is because she doesnt like the fact i am standing up for myself or if it is part of her having this stroke.

I hate waiting at the hospital however she refuses to let me be anywhere but here with her.

Im hoping for a good outcome i will report more later.

[MsTinkerbelly]

that is another perspective, dealing with the medical teams in regards to our parents.


Anytime mom was near a doctor or hospital I was with her...I only left her at the end to go get food in the canteen. I can't tell you how many times I had to give her medical history, or tell them she was allergic (right there in her file) to a medication they were trying to give her!

Sick people (even younger people) need someone to be their advocate when they are in the hospital. I had a semi-medical background, but to most people medical stuff is just confusing as heck!

[girl_dee]

Yup and my mom umis convinced she is allergic to everything. Since i dont know what's real and what's not so i the assumption is that she does have allergies.. and they were giving her codeine last time... it clearly said she is allergic on all her paperwork.




Anytime mom was near a doctor or hospital I was with her...I only left her at the end to go get food in the canteen. I can't tell you how many times I had to give her medical history, or tell them she was allergic (right there in her file) to a medication they were trying to give her!

Sick people (even younger people) need someone to be their advocate when they are in the hospital. I had a semi-medical background, but to most people medical stuff is just confusing as heck!

[Teddybear]

Yup and my mom umis convinced she is allergic to everything. Since i dont know what's real and what's not so i the assumption is that she does have allergies.. and they were giving her codeine last time... it clearly said she is allergic on all her paperwork.

My grandfather was allergic to iodine. It was in BIG letters on the outside of his chart. When CT scans first came out the contrast dye had iodine in them. They moved him from one hospital to another, got him all prepped for the CT scan and the procedure he was scheduled for. As they were getting ready to shoot the dye into his arm when the dr seen the BIG letters on his chart that said ALLERGIC and then iodine.

We all know that multiple ppl see these charts from doctors to the transport person that took him from one hospital to another.


I am thankful they caught it prior to using it on him we had another 16 years with him.

[Teddybear]

Okay here's an update

My mom's been in the hospital since Monday she is supposed to have been released today but before the end of the day and they can release her she started having issues again.

So Monday I called the doctor that was going to do the heart surgery and was told it would probably be December or January before they got to her which really threw a monkey wrench into everything since I've gotten a promotion at my job and we'll have to move to work at the corporate office.

So today I came back from a meeting and been back about 45 minutes at the hospital she was getting her transfusion and things were looking up then the phone rang and it was the Doctor Who was going to do her heart surgery office. They were calling to see if we were interested in taking the appointment for her heart surgery next Wednesday so let me tell you I jumped at it.

Now we're in a race to get everything lined up so her to have the surgery next week Friday she has to be in Atlanta has to be back in Atlanta Wednesday morning for the surgery and she has stuff she has to do down here related to this Hospital stay.

I'm about ready to pull my hair out I was supposed to be in Little Rock next Thursday Friday and Saturday for training but that ain't happening now if she has surgery on Wednesday.

She is trying to keep me here in every way possible even though it is a step up in my career to take the job at corporate I will be over two departments actually. I work very hard to get here to be in this position and if it was my brother's she would be telling him to go right now but because it's me that's not what's happening and it's really creating a lot of animosity toward her.

I'm torn between taking the job and moving without her and I'm not taking the job or taking the job and taking her with me all three are viable. I'm just praying on it and letting the universe take over cuz I know that wherever I need to be is where I will be

Thank you for listening and letting me throw this out there. I hope everybody's family is well y'all are well and things are less stressful for you thank you again

[girl_dee]

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's not new to me.




So after all the commotion to move away to be with my aunt, the honeymoon period lasted about a week.

She wants to go back to the place she hated before.

and wants me to help her get there.

[Teddybear]

So today I took Momma to Atlanta and she had her procedure done. Dr says it went great and that he doesn't see any reason to think there will be complications.

Tomorrow we go home if she tolerates food and is feeling good in the morning

[girl_dee]

So today I took Momma to Atlanta and she had her procedure done. Dr says it went great and that he doesn't see any reason to think there will be complications.

Tomorrow we go home if she tolerates food and is feeling good in the morning

good to hear. i hope it continues to go well!

[Teddybear]

So we are 2 weeks out from the procedure. I don't see much of an improvement however I do see some old signs popping back up that are a concern

Also today we were told she has dementia not sure how far along it is more test and hopefully we will know.

Prayers to all the care givers.

[Teddybear]

So I had a meeting at corporate on my new job and was told it isn't just being over one department but I am now the NEW Assistant Safety Manager in training to take over the department

I called and told my mom with my baby brother there. Now no one wants to talk about a move for her or me.

I have tried to get the dialogue started only to be shot down by her and them. Everyone wants to wait until the last minute. :| I don't understand how they expect that to what we should do.

What if she decides not to come with me I am left waiting until them to find a place wth? What if she decides to go to one of them? Are they coming here to get her? What about her house?

I am a planner and I have to have a plan. I moved here with only 1 day to pack and move. I wont do it again. I seem to be swimming against the current yes I am strong but dam.

I want her taken care of im just not sure if it is me who is the best for her at this point.

[Kelt]

Let me start by saying I'm dictating this into an iPad, so please forgive the inevitable grammar and word use issues.

Well, 10 days ago mom went down real hard. It was one of those phone calls that make you throw the suitcase in the car and drop everything. I think she'll be OK in the long run but it could also be a tipping point, she'll either go up or down from here. She took a fall in the kitchen and broke her upper arm very badly up by the ball of the shoulder and also cracked her pelvis. Had surgery the next day and replaced the ball half of the shoulder joint. I've been having all kinds of trouble in her town trying to find enough resources. I got her out of the hospital a couple of days ago and now she's in a group home, contracted physical therapy starts today, so I will see how it goes. Since she is not in a nursing home, that means that the 100 days of Medicare paid room and board does not apply. Everything is out of pocket, Ouch! :blink:

I believe that she can completely heal, 80 to 90% anyway. It's going to be a matter of compliance on her part and since she has been in the hospital for a week and now yet another unfamiliar setting her dementia is kicking in fully and she is completely spun out. I want to get her back into her own place as soon as possible so that she can start comprehending what's going on. I know that going forward, assuming I can get her back into her apartment, the amount of additional staff I will have for her will be going up on a permanent basis, she needs it.

For myself I really wish this had happened in the spring. There are three mountain passes between us and we're just starting snow season. The passes are frequently closed for a few days at a time all throughout the winter, they are nasty and remote. Oh well, when it's mom I will do whatever has to be done.

Of course since she had been doing so well for the last year and a half I finally decided to go ahead and do some big improvements on my house. So now there are a lot more scheduling issues to work around. But that's about me, and this is about her. She's a hell of a lot more important.

So I guess that's my update, things are going to get interesting…

[Chad]

I took today off work to take mom to the hospital for a nuclear CT on her spine. It was 5 hours of driving and 4 hours at the hospital. I hope they can help her with the pain now that they have images.

:sigh:

[Teddybear]

So I had a meeting at corporate on my new job and was told it isn't just being over one department but I am now the NEW Assistant Safety Manager in training to take over the department

I called and told my mom with my baby brother there. Now no one wants to talk about a move for her or me.

I have tried to get the dialogue started only to be shot down by her and them. Everyone wants to wait until the last minute. :| I don't understand how they expect that to what we should do.

What if she decides not to come with me I am left waiting until them to find a place wth? What if she decides to go to one of them? Are they coming here to get her? What about her house?

I am a planner and I have to have a plan. I moved here with only 1 day to pack and move. I wont do it again. I seem to be swimming against the current yes I am strong but dam.

I want her taken care of im just not sure if it is me who is the best for her at this point.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I moved to Little Rock without her. She went with my baby brother for almost 2 weeks before she went to stay with my older brother which was the plan since BB( baby brother) was to travel for his job however there seems to be a wrinkle now as he has lost his job or he quit. So now she is hoping he wont find new job and they will end u back at her house. :|

Up until my mom got to the OB(oldest of my 2 brothers) she had no clue if they had a room on the main floor for her. They did under OB and his wife's bedroom. I'm not sure how that is going to work since she gets up early and wants to talk to me on my way to work and to BB. When we call her it wakes him. She wont call us unless we haven't called her until OB and his wife have left for work.

Seems she is dragging her feet about finding a doctor because of her hope of going home. I have tried to tell her the BB will find a job and it wont be where she lives. She I having no part of it.

I think she will be with me around Feb if not before only time will tell. I will keep yall updated.

I

[Kelt]

Update:

It's been just six weeks and things have been going extremely well. I've spent a couple of those weeks with her and know where I'm lucky, the caregivers queue up to be the one who gets her, she really is one of the sweetest little old ladies you'd ever meet. I know it's common for folks to turn mean or difficult but she is really good about being grateful and finding things to be positive about (once I've reminded her a few times :)).

So rehab has been going well we got rid of the wheelchair about 10 days ago for anything other than off-site transport and the sling came off two days ago. She walks around with nothing but a cane and a somewhat hovering nurse through the house, rehab group home actually, and it has really helped with her spirits and feeling some sense of control returning. I figure within a month or so we can start talking about how she wants to go forward, either in her apartment with more added assistance, or some other options if she wants.

When she saw the surgeon and got the go ahead to ditch the sling and start occupational therapy for the shoulder he noticed a small anomaly along the incision line and removed the questionable tissue with instructions for wound care twice a day to be performed by her private nurse and added some antibiotics as an abundance of caution.

Just got a call from the lab, yep, it's MRSA. Fuck.

[girl_dee]

my mom and i had a convo today that at one time would have ruined my day. i stayed steady and steered us in a good direction, and it ended well.

She is almost 80, and i can see the lapses more all the time, but still she has been through so much in her life, it’s a wonder she is still here.

Hugs to all...

[Chad]

I took today off work to take mom to the hospital for a nuclear CT on her spine. It was 5 hours of driving and 4 hours at the hospital. I hope they can help her with the pain now that they have images.

:sigh:

Update:

Mom has to have a psychological exam before they will install a tens unit in her back. This makes me angry because we have to go back to the hospital for 2 hours for this. My mom is the most sane and stable person that I know. Now I have to take off work to take her to this stupid appointment. I plan to give that psychiatrist a piece of my mind for making a 85 year old woman go through all this for pain relief. Ugh!

[girl_dee]

Update:

Mom has to have a psychological exam before they will install a tens unit in her back. This makes me angry because we have to go back to the hospital for 2 hours for this. My mom is the most sane and stable person that I know. Now I have to take off work to take her to this stupid appointment. I plan to give that psychiatrist a piece of my mind for making a 85 year old woman go through all this for pain relief. Ugh!

Gosh that’s insane. i think they milk our elderly for everything they can get when they can.

Each time my mom goes to the ER (used to be a regular thing, since i have moved away not once) they had her taking every senseless test you can imagine. Of course this all put more fear in her mind.

[Chad]

Gosh that’s insane. i think they milk our elderly for everything they can get when they can.

Each time my mom goes to the ER (used to be a regular thing, since i have moved away not once) they had her taking every senseless test you can imagine. Of course this all put more fear in her mind.


Seriously Dee, this is ridiculous! I agree with you that this is some kind of sick joke to milk the elderly out of money. That Psychiatrist will wish that she never met me. I am a bear when it comes to protecting my family.

I am sorry that your mom suffered.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I have a lot to unload... its been months... since my life has been stable enough to even come here and talk to you all and so much has happened.

SO... I guess we will start with today, how things are right now.

My son is going to be admitted to a long term inpatient psychiatric facility in the next few weeks. We are on a waiting list. They told us when there is an opening we will have about a weeks notice. The program he is going to will have him out of my house for up to a year.

Its been a really long road to get here, and my whole life has been turned upside down in the process. My son went to juvie twice for attacking me, we had to apply, and appeal and fight for this placement, and while we did that... I had to find a way to keep my daughter safe and out of the local youth shelter where she had been staying every time my son became to aggressive. During his last stay at juvie, the judge told us he did not want to release my son if he would be going back to live with me and my daughter who he kept attacking.

SO... I asked my parents (who are retired and have been living in their motor home for a couple years now) to move into my house with my son and I rented a second home to take my daughter to. Now I am trying to manage my sons needs with my mother, from a second location. I am paying twice the rent, twice the utilities, and when he finally goes into this program... I will loose his SSI income to help maintain those payments.

I am still fighting and advocating for him and my family, and while he is away I will be spending more money and time to visit him and work with the team there to help him hopefully return home and be more successful.

His more aggressive attacks as of recently have left me with some pretty severe ptsd symptoms and I am finally seeking a therapist for myself.

Its so much, and I know I haven't really processed any of it yet. I know I need to start fitting in more self care to keep it up.

[Kelt]

I haven't seen my mother at Christmas for probably 20 or more years, we don't actually celebrate it. This year she is in the unfamiliar environment of the group home where is she staying for her rehab treatments and I decided to go be with her for it. This last couple of months I've spent just about 50 percent of my time in her state and I've been lucky with the weather since there are several mountain passes between us.

This year I am doing the "over the hills and through the woods to grandmothers house we go" (if she had grandkids). Of course all four passes are predicting snow today so it should be a lovely 9 or 10 Hour Drive crammed into maybe eight hours of daylight.

The good news is, that she is healing well and at least physically I believe over the hump. I hope to take her on a field trip while I'm there to her apartment so that she can see what it looks like and remember it so we can start the decision-making process for where she wants to live next starting in a month or so.

I had hoped that this weekend we would be able to make a joint call to my uncle, my father's brother, her last relative besides me that we know of. Four days ago he died but since she has already forgotten it by now I don't think it will bother her.

I keep telling her she has become the ultimate Buddha. No past, no future. Only the present. There are times when I envy her.

[Chad]

We are getting an exray of mom's knee because she fell in New Orleans yesterday. We came back early and will try to see her orthopedic doctor. Both of her knees are fake but she has a lot of swelling.

I appreciate the suggestions from friends here.

I hope for the best.

[girl_dee]

my mom is sick again, over Christmas. Seems to be a yearly thing, when i look back i only remember her being sick at Christmas and missing out.

i wonder if she does bring it on, her stomach issues. Whatever the cause, she’s really sick and i feel a million miles away. For my own sanity, i need to be a million miles away, but there are times i want to be there.

[Kelt]

I thought that watching my father starve to death for 2 months in a nursing home 2.5 years ago was tough, and we didn't even like each other.


Watching my mother deteriorate with dementia (unknown timeline) is worse.


The elderly are nothing but prey in this country.


Don't even know where to go with that...

[Chad]

I thought that watching my father starve to death for 2 months in a nursing home 2.5 years ago was tough, and we didn't even like each other.


Watching my mother deteriorate with dementia (unknown timeline) is worse.


The elderly are nothing but prey in this country.


Don't even know where to go with that...

I am so sorry for your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts .

[Chad]

We are getting an exray of mom's knee because she fell in New Orleans yesterday. We came back early and will try to see her orthopedic doctor. Both of her knees are fake but she has a lot of swelling.

I appreciate the suggestions from friends here.

I hope for the best.

Update:

Mom's exray was good, no broken bones.
She has her leg up and iced for the swelling.

I am relieved.

[Chad]

Update:

Mom's exray was good, no broken bones.
She has her leg up and iced for the swelling.

I am relieved.

X-ray not exray. Haha!

[~ocean]

X-ray not exray. Haha!

snigglet EXRAY a way you can now see into prospective lovers to BEWARE of lololol ** hello Webster's **

[Chad]

snigglet EXRAY a way you can now see into prospective lovers to BEWARE of lololol ** hello Webster's **

Haha! Good one ocean. 😆

[Chad]

I took mom to the psychological exam today and I charmed the doctor into shortening the visit by half the time. I think mom passed her test and is elligible to move forward with the pain treatment.

For me, I worked 2.5 hours and drove 6 hours round trip to take mom to her appointment. We did have a little time for lunch.

Back to work tomorrow for another 12 day. Ugh

[Chad]

It looks like my mom is going to get the procedure to give her some pain relief. I will take her to the hospital for the surgery.

Funny thing, she called last night to ask me if I would take her to a birthday party in southeast Texas. The party is for her old hair stylist from Houston. My mom used to spend 4 hours every Saturday getting her hair done. I guess the bouffant hair style took that long. Haha!
Her friend will be 100 years old. I said of course I will take you to her birthday party.


:cowboy:

[girl_dee]

my mom has done a complete 180. i’ve recently had some long talks with her, and wanted to tell her about Mel and my plans to move. i’ve been bracing myself for months.

She said she is so super happy for me, to RUN to Cali and not waste time. She said the fam will have to get over it, that i am entitled to a life, just like they have. (Easier said than done).

We were on FaceTime and she looked away fighting the tears saying not to live a life like her, she regrets not doing things that she wanted to.

i think my mom is a closet case, she’s been without someone in her life for over 25 years, and the two marriages she had were horrible.

Now she’s fighting COPD and having a hard time breathing. i want her to live so i an have many more talks with her. Now i’m being selfish. She is about to move herself back the same facility she hated a year ago, and moved herself to without thought. She’s been in a black hole of misery since. 79 and still trying to find happiness, moving her meager belongings from one government run housing facility to another. Her Social Security payments are a joke, so it’s all she can do.

She’s been so so miserable and unbearable, i’ve not always wish for her to live a long life, i just want to see her at peace.

Now i want her to stick around, i’m enjoying being the daughter.

[girl_dee]

my mom is not doing well. Her COPD is bad and my sister reports that she can’t get up out of her chair at this point. When i talk to my mom it sounds like she’s run a marathon.

i hope it’s just the stress she has put onto herself. If so it will settle down.

my sister said she’s worked herself into a tizzy over her move and looked like she was about to have a heart attack.

i’m checking in each morning and evening, and trying not to get sucked into the drama that’s she’s created with my sister.

[cathexis]

Professional caregivers can also experience emotional trauma. I have been out on disability several years. It's been awhile since I have been at work, but was a RN at major trauma centers in their Surgical ICUs for 30 years. Thought that any nightmares or situational flashbacks would be long past, but not the case.

Over the past year, nightmares have resumed with a vengeance. Have been having what feels like half awake nightmares. I come out of the bed in a panic yelling being in some life death situation and needing to get there right away. Yell that I should be at the bedside doing some emergency procedure. My thought at the time is that I am being extremely guilty about not being with my patient. I will actually rise out of bed with a start rushing around the bedroom trying to take care of the situation. A few times, my Partner had to work at calming me down and trying to convince me that I am at home in my bedroom. That I am not at the hospital in this terrifying situation. Once it took Her about an hour to accomplish this.

These dreams have me afraid to fall asleep. I lay in bed with my muscles tense staring at the curtains fearing another nightmare. This is the worse stress related experience I have had, and could imagine having at this point in my nursing career. Traumatic nightmares occurring years after leaving patient care.

[DapperButch]

Professional caregivers can also experience emotional trauma. I have been out on disability several years. It's been awhile since I have been at work, but was a RN at major trauma centers in their Surgical ICUs for 30 years. Thought that any nightmares or situational flashbacks would be long past, but not the case.

Over the past year, nightmares have resumed with a vengeance. Have been having what feels like half awake nightmares. I come out of the bed in a panic yelling being in some life death situation and needing to get there right away. Yell that I should be at the bedside doing some emergency procedure. My thought at the time is that I am being extremely guilty about not being with my patient. I will actually rise out of bed with a start rushing around the bedroom trying to take care of the situation. A few times, my Partner had to work at calming me down and trying to convince me that I am at home in my bedroom. That I am not at the hospital in this terrifying situation. Once it took Her about an hour to accomplish this.

These dreams have me afraid to fall asleep. I lay in bed with my muscles tense staring at the curtains fearing another nightmare. This is the worse stress related experience I have had, and could imagine having at this point in my nursing career. Traumatic nightmares occurring years after leaving patient care.

Have you sought out any therapy for this?

[cathexis]

Have you sought out any therapy for this?

Am seeing a counselor, but not really confident in her. She is very young and I think my other issues already have her overwhelmed. In this small NY town 5 minutes from Canada, my options are limited. Had to hire a driver at 100 dollars each ride to the nearest city, Burlington for plastic surgeon appts. Couldn't begin to hire her weekly or bi-weekly.

One counseling center and no psychiatrists here. We have a prescribing nurse practitioner. This is the first position for most staff and they move on. My Partner and I are trying to save money to move.

[girl_dee]

My mom called 911 in the middle of the night, unable to breathe. They gave her some heavy duty meds.

They are keeping her in the hospital overnight to monitor her.

She’s in heaven, she loves being in the hospital. She’s been sending pics of her meals and saying she wants to stay there. :blink:

[Kelt]

My mom called 911 in the middle of the night, unable to breathe. They gave her some heavy duty meds.

They are keeping her in the hospital overnight to monitor her.

She’s in heaven, she loves being in the hospital. She’s been sending pics of her meals and saying she wants to stay there. :blink:

Hey girl_dee

I'm sure you already know this, but just in case and if others don't, find out if she has been admitted or if she is there for observation. Hospitals love to play the observation game, high profit for hospital retail. I went through this with my mother about 9 months ago. Admitted=covered by medicare, observation=out of your pocket. In my mothers town observing is $5k per day and they want her for 3 days/2 midnights.

In our case they "observed" her so well that she was too dehydrated to kick out (4 hours notice/8pm before the 3rd midnight) they had to admit her and the bill got covered, but it was a close call.

They admitted her for a broken rib which she did not have. :blink: The bill was $21k, after all her insurances we paid about $400.

[girl_dee]

Hey girl_dee

I'm sure you already know this, but just in case and if others don't, find out if she has been admitted or if she is there for observation. Hospitals love to play the observation game, high profit for hospital retail. I went through this with my mother about 9 months ago. Admitted=covered by medicare, observation=out of your pocket. In my mothers town observing is $5k per day and they want her for 3 days/2 midnights.

In our case they "observed" her so well that she was too dehydrated to kick out (4 hours notice/8pm before the 3rd midnight) they had to admit her and the bill got covered, but it was a close call.

They admitted her for a broken rib which she did not have. :blink: The bill was $21k, after all her insurances we paid about $400.



Good grief!

Well she likes celebrity status and would sign up for observation if she could.

[Kelt]

Good grief!

Well she likes celebrity status and would sign up for observation if she could.


Monitor overnight sounds a lot like observe. I hope you don't get stuck with the tab!

[girl_dee]

Monitor overnight sounds a lot like observe. I hope you don't get stuck with the tab!

well honestly they sent her home yesterday and she got worse a few hours later (urgent care). She is on treatments and they are watching her pressure. She lives far away from the airport so sending her home today would probably not been a good idea.

[Kelt]

well honestly they sent her home yesterday and she got worse a few hours later (urgent care). She is on treatments and they are watching her pressure. She lives far away from the airport so sending her home today would probably not been a good idea.

Sounds like you're in a pinch. It's amazing how often this can happen. Well, we do the best we can and deal with fallout if it happens. I sorry this is happening to both her and you.

My mother has taken a turn for the better physically and a turn for the worse mentally, I am once again making decisions that make me feel like some kind of ogre even though I know it will be for the best. Mom is taking this better than I am.

[Kobi]

Hey girl_dee

I'm sure you already know this, but just in case and if others don't, find out if she has been admitted or if she is there for observation. Hospitals love to play the observation game, high profit for hospital retail. I went through this with my mother about 9 months ago. Admitted=covered by medicare, observation=out of your pocket. In my mothers town observing is $5k per day and they want her for 3 days/2 midnights.

In our case they "observed" her so well that she was too dehydrated to kick out (4 hours notice/8pm before the 3rd midnight) they had to admit her and the bill got covered, but it was a close call.

They admitted her for a broken rib which she did not have. :blink: The bill was $21k, after all her insurances we paid about $400.



Kelt, a point of clarification here. Admission is covered under Medicare part A. Observation is paid under Medicare part B. Medications may not be covered under observation with part B but they are under Medicare part D.

Insurance is a game. You have to understand the rules to play it well. :)

One of the biggest things to remember is the billing portion is often decided after the fact by coders who may or may not know what they are doing.

Another thing to keep in mind are the multitude of rules regarding readmissions/reobservations within certain periods of time. The "re" part says to Medicare you were not treated properly to begin with. That is an internal billing issue between the facility and medicare. If a facility tries to make it your problem, dont buy into it.

Never pay a hospital bill that doesnt sound or look correct. Call and ask questions. Billing cycles do not always coincide with reimbursement cycles meaning bills get generated erroneously simply because of timing.

If the issue is still not resolved, call and double check what you were told with medicare itself - every state has an organization that administers medicare. They can interpret the bill in conjunction with the rules. This usually resolves issues and makes bills disappear.

The center for Medicare advocacy, completely separate from the actual insurance process is the best resource if you need to know the route to dispute a bill if the above doesnt solve the problem.

Another avenue is to call your congressperson for help. Their offices have differently avenues to circumvent the game of insurance. Plus, it helps to keep them aware of the unintended glitches in stuff they approve.

The bigger thing to watch for is the 3 day rule for admission to a skilled nursing facility. You have to have been billed as admitted for this is work. Otherwise, the nursing home/rehab is not covered. That is a different set of headaches but also not insurmountable.

Just an aside, facilities cannot charge you a separate fee for a private room. They still try but it is an illegal practice. The reimbursement for your care is based on diagnosis not accommodations.

This stuff was the most fun part of my job. There is something nice about being able to say.....you know that is illegal right?

[Kelt]

Kelt, a point of clarification here. Admission is covered under Medicare part A. Observation is paid under Medicare part B. Medications may not be covered under observation with part B but they are under Medicare part D.

Insurance is a game. You have to understand the rules to play it well. :)

One of the biggest things to remember is the billing portion is often decided after the fact by coders who may or may not know what they are doing.

Another thing to keep in mind are the multitude of rules regarding readmissions/reobservations within certain periods of time. The "re" part says to Medicare you were not treated properly to begin with. That is an internal billing issue between the facility and medicare. If a facility tries to make it your problem, dont buy into it.

Never pay a hospital bill that doesnt sound or look correct. Call and ask questions. Billing cycles do not always coincide with reimbursement cycles meaning bills get generated erroneously simply because of timing.

If the issue is still not resolved, call and double check what you were told with medicare itself - every state has an organization that administers medicare. They can interpret the bill in conjunction with the rules. This usually resolves issues and makes bills disappear.

The center for Medicare advocacy, completely separate from the actual insurance process is the best resource if you need to know the route to dispute a bill if the above doesnt solve the problem.

Another avenue is to call your congressperson for help. Their offices have differently avenues to circumvent the game of insurance. Plus, it helps to keep them aware of the unintended glitches in stuff they approve.

The bigger thing to watch for is the 3 day rule for admission to a skilled nursing facility. You have to have been billed as admitted for this is work. Otherwise, the nursing home/rehab is not covered. That is a different set of headaches but also not insurmountable.

Just an aside, facilities cannot charge you a separate fee for a private room. They still try but it is an illegal practice. The reimbursement for your care is based on diagnosis not accommodations.

This stuff was the most fun part of my job. There is something nice about being able to say.....you know that is illegal right?



Thank you Kobi for stepping in and clarifying, it's important that folks have accurate information.

I have only my own experiences and the bits of reading about some of these situations experienced by others to go on. I should have said upfront that I am certainly no authority on the subject. It's reassuring to know that Medicare part B helps with this as I'm sure it won't be my last rodeo in "observation". My mother has parts A, B, D, and medigap as well, this has been so good that there have been no significant bills over these last couple of years by the time things get processed. Something I have found is that even though there is little to pay, I do want to examine the bills in detail to check for errors, and to find out what is actually going on. Her town hospital has taken to sending bills that say "IP Inpatient" half a dozen times with differing $ figures for each line. So even though most of the bill is paid and I just get the little remainder I have established with them that I will not pay any bill until I get the detailed version, I have to call them for every bill, but they can look up the account and have accepted my terms.

Thank you also for the information on the Medicare advocacy center as I am trying to see if there is recourse for another situation involving skilled nursing this last go round and you are right, that's a whole other kettle of fish. Two years ago I couldn't get my father out (he had a crappy physicians directive), and two months ago I couldn't get my mother in costing her 100 days of room and board benefits she should have been entitled to during rehab, we are out of pocket right now. She is in a private care situation that does not accept insurance of any kind, it is very good and she will now stay there going forward, it would be nice to get reimbursed for what she should have been eligible for though. The whole town was full beds and the hospital wanted her out but there was nowhere to go. Fortunately, I spent quite a bit of time with a lawyer crafting a medical proxy that is extensive and covered every situation I had so far experienced and some others recommended by the geriatric care manager I have on retainer in case something happens to me so that she can take over. I have had to confront the hospital twice with this so far and the roadtest has worked. I now have the same proxy in place for myself.

I know you say this is not insurmountable and I agree IF you have someone with a clear head helping with or doing this part of it. This scares me for the elderly in general and myself in particular. My mother has dementia and there is no way she could even comprehend the maze much less deal with it. For myself I wonder about if I were to be badly injured or very sick, maybe drugged, and not understanding and maybe missing some deadlines or such. I am looking into maybe bringing a conservator onboard to handle my finances if I am disabled/incapacitaed with the accountant as a check/balance in that situation.

This is all damn complicated and underscores the phrase "Gettin' old ain't for sissies"!

[Kobi]

Kelt, no worries. Even those of us who did this stuff for a living get thrown now and then. It is literally built into the system. LOL.

Medicare is a lot like Mircosoft Windows. There are always unexpected glitches that occur for one reason or another that require fixes that lead to more unexpected glitches and more fixes and more glitches and on and on.

And then there are the arbitrary changes that occur every year for no discernible reason. LOL.

I hear you on the no beds available thing affecting the SNF benefit. Never ran into that problem here. Even tho the benefit allows for 100 days each benefit period, the definition of what constitutes skilled "need" and "progress" has become narrower and narrower so most people only fit into a 10-20 day time frame of coverage. If you find a way around that one even for 10-20 days, would you let me know?

You are correct, it takes a clear head and a lot of time to wade thru this stuff. I too worry for the elderly who do not have someone to help them. Then again, I also worry about the helpers who might not understand things either. It can end up being very costly if you make a mistake.

For example, people do not generally understand how medicare D works or how to assess what coverage is best for them. And, it is not the easiest thing to explain either given the way insurance companies are changing their coverage every year. You have to assess premiums, hidden deductibles aka the no deductible for tier one drugs but a 300 deductible for tier two and three, a 40% copay for tier 4 and god only knows what for tier 5. Then explain to them that every insurance company adjusts the meds in each tier every single freakin year to maximize their profits. So every year you have to run every single freakin drug thru to find out which tier it is falling on so you know your potential cost. And add in that every single freakin insurance plan negotiates their own prices with every single pharmacy chain so your out of pocket cost varies depending on the pharmacy you use i.e. lasix at CVS will cost you 10 dollars but lasix at Walgrens will cost you 15 and lasix at Rite Aid will cost you nothing. And then you have the preferred and non preferred pharmacies which also affect out of pocket expenses. And we wont mention how you used to be able to get prescription strength over the counter drugs thru insurance for a cheaper price than buying the half the normal dose over the counter pills. Now, using the prescription plan costs 3 times the cost of buying twice the amount over the counter- wee bit of a disincentive.

Every year I went thru this with my Mom. Every year it was the same thing. Took me hours to wade thru all the plans to find the best and least costly plan for her needs. Every year I would explain why I was recommending this particular plan in detail even tho I knew she had no clue what I was saying. Every year the first time she filled each of her meds I would get a phone call - last year this med cost me 10.00, this year it is 25. Why is that?

It is not a pleasant topic but glad to hear you are looking into contingency plans should you be unable to make decisions about your care or handle your finances. It is not easy to plan for but I ended up doing primary and back up on the health care decisions, and completely separate co-administrators on the fiances so 2 people are required for every financial decision/transaction with an accountant monitoring them both. A trust might be easier. Not sure yet.

Aging is definitely not for sissies. LOL.

[girl_dee]

they are keeping my mom another day. i am relieved. i worry about her going home when she should still be getting treatments and care

[girl_dee]

my ma went home yesterday. The doc told her she has got to slow down and breathe. There is new concept!

Shoots, it sounds like i am talking to myself.

We really do pick up traits from our parents



:kettlepot:

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I spent this weekend with my mom. She was really down about some things. Several times she expressed how frustrated she is when she can't think of a word. I told her, I do that too; my doctor told me it's menopause. Another time I told her, I sympathize; it's frustrating to not be able to think of the word you're trying to say, but it's even more so to not even be able to describe the word you're trying to say.

She did seem somewhat relieved that I understood what she was talking about. But her relief only lasted a short while - you see, she forgets what she has said, and sometimes says the same things over and over again. This symptom hasn't gotten really bad. It's possible to carry on a conversation with her. It's just that occasionally she'll bring up the same thing again, or tell the same story she told the night before, or a couple of hours ago.

What really hurt this weekend, though, was the number of times she said, "You all are going to put me in a home if I keep this up." I know this really bothers her, because she mentioned it so many times. And there seems to be nothing I can say to alleviate her fear. "Yeah, I'll be right there in the home with you,", or "If they put people in a home for that, we'd all be locked up," or "You know we're never going to do that." The truth is, my sister has vowed to build a mother-in-law suite on the back of her house if it ever gets so Mom can't live by herself. And my sister can afford it. And she means it.

The really awful truth is, my mother said the same thing about her mother. And my grandmother did come to live with us - for awhile - until her dementia was terrible, and she became violent. And neither Mom, nor any of us, could protect her from herself. She had to live in the state mental hospital, because no private facility would take her after the violence started.

I so do not want to see my mother like that. It's too horrible to imagine - but I do imagine it. My mother is physically very healthy - which on the one hand is a blessing, but on the other? How long can she live and keep her relatively sane mind? How long will she be safe living alone in that house without my dad, who died less than a year ago?

There are few good answers to these questions, and many bad ones.

[RockOn]

Sending GeorgiaMa'am hugs!

[girl_dee]

Sending Ma’am LOTS of hugs! (((((((( Ma’am ))))))))

My mom was home for two days and was struggling with breathing, and ended back in the hospital.

We’ve seen that her condition is exasterbated by her stress. She has no coping mechanisms (no more booze /cigarettes) and just cannot cope with every day life. She’s not numb anymore, and she’s feeling it.

I asked her to ask the doc for anti anxiety medication, and she did. She started this last night. GOD please let this help her.

We need her home to make the move happen. She is in an independent living facility. If she cannot be independent, I just don’t know where she will go.

[girl_dee]

mom’s home, and her big move back to the old place is on for tomorrow.

This move HAS to happen!

[girl_dee]

its’ my mom’s move day, she made it.

i am visualizing a smooth day with NO drama


i am glad she will be across the street from the hospital and next door to a nursing home if she should need when not well.

[girl_dee]

SHE MADE IT.. my mom has moved back into her old place.

This move is going to take a toll on her, but it’s for the best.

[girl_dee]

my mom’s back in the hospital. the COPD is progressing, and she’s suffering. They are setting her up with oxygen and prescribing morphine to help get her through this.

She’s withering away to nothing.

i’m not sure how she is still alive at this point, but then again is this really living?

thoughts and prayers is all i got.

[~ocean]

my mom’s back in the hospital. the COPD is progressing, and she’s suffering. They are setting her up with oxygen and prescribing morphine to help get her through this.

She’s withering away to nothing.

i’m not sure how she is still alive at this point, but then again is this really living?

thoughts and prayers is all i got.




((((((((((( dee))))))))))))) my prayers are with you and your family esp your mom.

[girl_dee]

((((((((((( dee))))))))))))) my prayers are with you and your family esp your mom.

Thank you... my mom is back in her little apartment, set up with home health and oxygen.

i hope she is comfortable that’s all.

[girl_dee]

Well my mom is officially in Hospice care. She’s still at home. I found out that they wanted her to go into a nursing home and she said no. (She JUST moved back to this place). i don’t think its time anyway.

So she is not to go back to the hospital.

There is a big note on the fridge that says not to call 911.


Hard day.

[girl_dee]

Even though i know its not the end for my mom, i am going to see her as soon as possible.

i am so grateful for the love and support i am getting right now, i don’t think i need it as my mom is the one who is fading away, but it sure helps.

My mom has been so humble and grateful. As much as i love seeing this in her, i know its her just resigning.

[Chad]

Taking mom for the tens unit installation on Monday. I expect it to be an easy surgery with no problems.

Sunday we will celebrate her birthday. Should be a hoot.

My parents gave me a good life. Nothing is perfect but I choose to be grateful for the life they gave me. It is my pleasure to pay back the kindness.

[girl_dee]

i’ll be leaving Monday to see my mom.

Will be hard but good at the same time.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I haven't seen my mom in almost 5 weeks! My petsitter has fallen through on me several weeks in a row. They were for perfectly legitimate reasons, but still, I am worried about my mom. We talk on the phone, but that's not the same as seeing her in person and seeing how she's really getting along on a day-to-day basis. I'm worried that she's not remembering to take her medication all the time, and that she's not remembering to eat.

I think I may have to take an extra day off work next weekend and kennel my dog. (The cat will be fine on her own at home.) If there is some reason the petsitter can't make it next weekend, I'm going to do that.

[girl_dee]

I haven't seen my mom in almost 5 weeks! My petsitter has fallen through on me several weeks in a row. They were for perfectly legitimate reasons, but still, I am worried about my mom. We talk on the phone, but that's not the same as seeing her in person and seeing how she's really getting along on a day-to-day basis. I'm worried that she's not remembering to take her medication all the time, and that she's not remembering to eat.

I think I may have to take an extra day off work next weekend and kennel my dog. (The cat will be fine on her own at home.) If there is some reason the petsitter can't make it next weekend, I'm going to do that.

Awwww.... what about home health care that could administer the meds?

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Awwww.... what about home health care that could administer the meds?

We're not at that point yet, although I expect it will come to that one day. We're still trying different kinds of memory aids.

My sister also sees her much more often than I do, several times a week. Still, I think I notice things my sister doesn't see.

[girl_dee]

We're not at that point yet, although I expect it will come to that one day. We're still trying different kinds of memory aids.

My sister also sees her much more often than I do, several times a week. Still, I think I notice things my sister doesn't see.

YES... my sister is not very caring for her own reasons (i try not to judge) and i am struggling with no being there full time.

I hope you get to see your mom soon to rest your mind.

[Chad]

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

[Chad]

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

Update, the steaks and ribs were yummy and mom was happy about her birthday gifts.

She came out of the surgery well just super loopy. I ordered her to stay in bed. It was a long day driving accross Texas and sitting in the hospital but it will be worth it if mom gets some pain relief.

The doc laughed at my joke about the general anaesthesia being disco drugs. Haha!

[Chad]

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

Thank you ma'am. It was always our plan for her to have a cottage on my land. I built my home new and waited for mom to make the move before I built the cottage. We both need our space but having her at my ranch makes things more convenient.

[girl_dee]

i saw my mom yesterday

it was emotional

she looked better physically thank i expected (she has an odd color but i think its okay)

she is worse emotionally thank i expected

going to run errands for her today and see if i can get her out of her place

[girl_dee]

mom

My mom is back to my old mom. The rather ungrateful and demanding mom. i left in tears yesterday.

Not a fan of ungrateful, demanding mom. She is not as helpless as she wants me to believe. She’s enjoying her status a bit too much.

She’s basically resigned herself to her recliner. She could do so much more, and is fighting for her life, but what little quality of life she could have,
she doesn’t want it. i just don’t understand.

Will try again today. i leave tomorrow, so i pray its a better day.

[girl_dee]

it’s taken me a few days to even try to put an update into words.

When i got to NOLA my mom was still in her PJs late afternoon, not eating (she says she can’t eat and try to breathe at the same time), glued to her recliner and clinging on to the oxygen for dear life. She would not even open a window out of fear of breathing any pollen.

The *Hospice* label put her in a tailspin.

Even with all the grumbling, complaining and saying *i can’t * for even the simplest thing, i got her to go out and get her hair cleaned up. Her hair is an obsession. She was convinced she could not leave her apartment even for a haircut as the portable oxygen would run out. She is not dependent on oxygen but she was convinced she was. She said she nearly didn’t make getting a shower with the nurse as she was without her oxygen for five minutes. Of course none of this is true, but to her it is. i think what frustrates me is that she likes being afraid of everything, its her safe place.

She agreed to go *try* getting a hair cut. She says she could not walk to elevator, so i pushed her in her walker to the car. (While carrying oxygen tank and her things) . The whole time she complained that she was cold and wanted to kill me for making her go out and why am i doing this to her. She says i can’t drive her walker and i am going to smash her into a wall. My heart sunk but i kept moving her.. Got her to the salon and she refused to use her oxygen and walker. i was shocked, but realized her vanity is why she won’t use these things out in the world. So she lived through a hair cut without oxygen. Then she wanted breakfast. So i got her breakfast to last a few days. Her spirit lifted. i was very happy for her.

Then when we got back to her place, she again said she was going to kill me for dragging her out in the cold, but once in her place, she didn’t use the oxygen and even got on her scooter to go visit friends. She was like a new person. She told everyone who came in that i am leaving her.

She has a *friend* that she pays to do every little thing for her. This woman is very dominating and my mom likes being helpless. They feed off each other. She informed me that my mom is pretty much completely helpless. i asked my mom why she wants to be treated like a baby. There was tension.

She’s still doing okay, and i know there will be another episode but for now, she is holding her own. There will be good and bad days, until this is over. The bad days weigh on me as i know she suffers.

i left her in much better shape than when i arrived in only 3 days. It kills me that i cannot help her more, but for my own sanity, i have to keep the physical distance.

i’ll continue to contact her each morning and listen to her as much as i can. It’s the only way i can be emotionally close in any way.

[Chad]

This weekend I drove mom to Houston to celebrate her friend's 100th birthday. I must have driven 1000 miles all weekend from picking mom up Friday to taking her home today.

The party was sweet. Mom's friend and family remembered me from about 1975. They hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was a great visit and my heart is warm.

There is nothing like a southern party. :)

[socialjustice_fsu]

I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.


What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀.
My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise.
Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace.

[girl_dee]

I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.


What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀.
My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise.
Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace.

(((((((((((((((( SJF ))))))))))))))))))

i am so sorry about your mom

i hope you find comfort in the words you shared.

i am very happy to see you :stillheart:

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I had a pretty good visit with my mom this weekend. She was a little "foggy", unable to come up with the words she wanted and such, but we managed to have some good conversation nonetheless. She cooked for both of us, and I have learned to just leave her alone when she decides to cook. She can only concentrate on one thing at a time, but she did manage to make a casserole, carefully following a recipe. She did have to refer to it over and over again, but sometimes she is not able to do even this, and she gets upset and frustrated.

On the way home from her house, I stopped at my sister's. She had two useful things to share:
1) When she goes to our mom's, she shows up with food. This prevents Mom (mostly) from insisting on cooking.
2) Most importantly, my sister shared the results of my mom's most recent visit to the doctor. The doctor gave her some preliminary mental tests, and said that Mom is showing normal signs of aging and dementia. She is not showing signs of Alzheimer's, thank the Goddess. Her mother, and all of her mother's siblings (10 in all) had Alzheimer's, and she has been certain she would get it.

All in all, I am pretty relieved after this weekend visit.

[Chad]

Mom had a scary event after Easter dinner. Her heart monitor recorded that her heart stopped for 15 seconds. That is a long time. After tests and doctor visits she was cleared to go home.

I took that opportunity to ask my cousin for help. I need backup and my cousin is an RN. I feel better knowing that I am not all alone caring for mom.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I saw my mom this weekend. We had a good visit, although my bitchy aunt was there too. I honestly believe that Bitchy Aunt tries to be nice and friendly, but really, she dusts up trouble, and says things that hurt people's feelings. Bitchy Aunt spent most of the time she was there in one of the bedrooms reading a book. (She needed to "lie down". Why visit someone if you're going to lie in their guest bed and read a book?)

Anyway, other than that, my mom and I had some good conversations. I was very happy that she seemed more upbeat than usual. We didn't have any of the all-too-often talk about going to live in a nursing home. Instead, although she did mention it was frustrating to her to not be able to think of words and try new tasks, she said that "it's manageable at this time". She sounded more confident and not afraid, as she has in the past.

She also babied me a good bit because I had a tooth pulled last Thursday, and I was on soft foods all weekend. She was constantly offering to heat up soup and mashed potatoes for me. She didn't go overboard though, and it was kind of nice.

We even had a few really good laughs, at some stories I picked up last week. There has not traditionally been a lot of laughing in my family home, so it's special when it happens. All in all, things were good this weekend.

[Chad]

Well, I think we are a go on mom moving to my land. She signed the paperwork with her home buyers tonight.

There is a ton of stuff to do by the end of July. I think that it is time to round up the entire family for help.

I am a little overwhelmed but with planning and help I think we can do this.

:praying:

[~ocean]

Well, I think we are a go on mom moving to my land. She signed the paperwork with her home buyers tonight.

There is a ton of stuff to do by the end of July. I think that it is time to round up the entire family for help.

I am a little overwhelmed but with planning and help I think we can do this.

:praying:

(((( chad )))) I think anyone who wants to take the responsibility of taking care of their parent(s) are remarkable ! It's not easy, but it sure has it's moments that memory's are made from ~ God Bless all of you ~ (f)

[Martina]

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

[MsTinkerbelly]

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

Yes :rrose:

[Chad]

A slight change of plans. I am adding an addition onto my house instead of a cabin. Mom gets her own wing, haha. I believe that it will be better in the long run for us to be under the same roof.

[JDeere]

I will be joining the ranks of caregiver, with my mom, Dad is in the hospital again, he may have to have a foot amputated.

We aren't sure what is all going to happen yet but reading this thread sounds a lot like what is going to happen in the near future.

They may end up selling the house and moving away from the city for their own sanity and care, which I don't blame them one bit. I will however help as much as I can when time comes.

[girl_dee]

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

thanks for the reminder. Because of this i just called my mom.

[JDeere]

Dad may come home tomorrow. We arent sure yet. No amputation but they opened his foot to clean out the infection.

He has no idea that he may have to be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life, i dont see him complying with doctors orders. He thinks hes just gonna get up and walk, drive to work, etc. He has no clue. They took him off his depression meds cuz it interferes with his antibiotics, hes on ALOT of medications as well, from insulin to heart pills.

Im so beyond stressed because alot of shit has happened at the house since Monday, from carpet installers cutting the net cord for internet to my mom stressing out to the point i cant handle being around her. My siblings help but have no clue as to how bad this has affected me, i bottle stuff up till i explode, im to the point i want to load up my dog and some of my stuff, to leave.

My folks dont listen to any of us 3 kids about helping and im the one cuz i live here that gets more stuff piled on me, if its not my folks way its the highway and i want off! They need to sell the house and move, sell one car, etc to where they can manage life and health care. And both of them need to be on depression and anxiety meds cuz i cant take much more.

I love them both dearly, however im in no position to financially help since my job fell through, i have my own health and mental issues plus im done not having a life because i get no help from dumb and dumber.

[Chad]

I have to admit that moving mom is exhausting. She has her and dad's stuff, her parents stuff, and dad's parents stuff. The worst part is that she wants to keep it all.

I did manage to take a few pieces to the auction house but it did not make much of a difference.

I started moving stuff at the end of June and we are not to halfway yet. Part of the problem is that we have very little help. There are no guys helping just my cousin, my ex, and a dear friend. We are paying a lady to pack her stuff part time but that is going too slow.

Not to mention it is July in Texas with temperatures in the hundreds. I have started looking for more hired help. Ugh

[girl_dee]

I have to admit that moving mom is exhausting. She has her and dad's stuff, her parents stuff, and dad's parents stuff. The worst part is that she wants to keep it all.

I did manage to take a few pieces to the auction house but it did not make much of a difference.

I started moving stuff at the end of June and we are not to halfway yet. Part of the problem is that we have very little help. There are no guys helping just my cousin, my ex, and a dear friend. We are paying a lady to pack her stuff part time but that is going too slow.

Not to mention it is July in Texas with temperatures in the hundreds. I have started looking for more hired help. Ugh

This cannot be easy. I hope it goes smoother from here on out.

[Chad]

This cannot be easy. I hope it goes smoother from here on out.

Thank you, Dee. I hope that it gets better too.

[Chad]

We are in the last big push to get mom moved out. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

I hope that on August 1st I can go to work and this will all be over.

[JDeere]

Im about to the point of leaving the house and living out of my truck. Mom bitches at me cuz she thinks im mean when i talk to my dad. NO he needs the truth, its his fault that hes in the predicament he is in, hes non complaint, eats whatever he wants, etc. He has the balls to yell at me for drinking a soda, i said im not diabetic and i dont have problems like he does, so im mean.

Im sorry if i was diabetic i would abide by the diet and take meds without bitching, ive done without soda and junk food before i sure as fuck can do it again IF needed.

Also he goes to the doctor and does not ask questions, he gets mad if i or my mom ask for him. They wont allow him to have anti depressants and its bs. Hes obsessive and depressed but all i hear is that doctors dont give people his age those meds bullshit they give dementia/Alzheimer's meds that contain anti depressants, his mom was on them.

Im about done with it all.

[Kelt]

PBS Newshour is running a series every Thursday addressing some current options/issues facing caregivers. The first two have focused on using outside help, a subject I am personally aquainted with. They are good to know about options and these episodes so far have been pretty accurate in my personal experience. They run about 10 minutes each.

*I’m not aware of how to imbed non-YouTube videos, so the links will have to do.*

This one is about hourly private help; the shortages/expenses and how poorly the jobs pay:

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-does-one-of-the-most-needed-jobs-pay-so-poorly

The one from the week before deals with Adult Family/Foster homes specifically in Oregon. State laws are highly variable and a lot of research is required. In my experience the best care is highly sought after and therefore hard to find. Word of mouth.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/in-oregon-adult-foster-care-offers-support-for-the-elderly


One thing I know of from discussing with others around the country is that the pricing is very regionally dependent and needs to be investigated on a case by case basis. I found that the prices quoted in the videos are low compared to what I have seen in central WA state where my mother lives.

[Kelt]

We are in the last big push to get mom moved out. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

I hope that on August 1st I can go to work and this will all be over.

Having moved my mother twice in the last three years you have my direct sympathies.

:seeingstars:

[Chad]

Day 35 of moving mom. I am exhausted in everyway. The sheer mass of her her stuff is overwhelming. Today they deliver a dumpster.

:bigcry:

[MsTinkerbelly]

Day 35 of moving mom. I am exhausted in everyway. The sheer mass of her her stuff is overwhelming. Today they deliver a dumpster.

:bigcry:

After my Mom passed away we had to go through some of the stress you have faced...it feels like never ending torture! I was determined that my daughter wouldn’t have to go through it when I am gone.

Take a deep breath, you got this!

[Chad]

The move will not be over this weekend. It is hot and I am overwhelmed. Yesterday was hard loading and unloading by myself. Thank goodness mom cuts me a break when I rage over the heat and the mass of her stuff. We now have one shed on my land and two rentals.

We are taking today off. Yay!

[Chad]

The final deadline for mom to be completely out of her house has been set by the new owner. She has to be completely out by this Thursday night so I had to take off work and call in my cousin for help. I will be sweating my guts out for the next two days and nights.

On the bright side I have lost weight and my muscles are firm again.

Mom and are are exhausted but we must push hard to make this deadline. I would appreciate support from my friends.
:praying:

[MsTinkerbelly]

The final deadline for mom to be completely out of her house has been set by the new owner. She has to be completely out by this Thursday night so I had to take off work and call in my cousin for help. I will be sweating my guts out for the next two days and nights.

On the bright side I have lost weight and my muscles are firm again.

Mom and are are exhausted but we must push hard to make this deadline. I would appreciate support from my friends.
:praying:

The end is in sight! Just imagine how much relief you will feel to have your mother close enough to care for...it made all the difference to me during my moms final days.

Breathe deep, and remember that you got this! (f)

[Kelt]

The final deadline for mom to be completely out of her house has been set by the new owner. She has to be completely out by this Thursday night so I had to take off work and call in my cousin for help. I will be sweating my guts out for the next two days and nights.

On the bright side I have lost weight and my muscles are firm again.

Mom and are are exhausted but we must push hard to make this deadline. I would appreciate support from my friends.
:praying:

You will get there, it just may not feel like it!

I did have to hire some outside help with my mom since her move was predicated by my father's death there was the house with a lifetime of accumulation going nowhere to deal with. I was moving her into an apartment and did the packing for her and then hired an estate broker to take care of liquidating the things she wasn't taking, then to a trustee to sell the house since I was commuting from another state.

When moving her from her apt to the house where she currently lives it was sort of the same but much smaller and no house sale, still renting a van to haul some few things to my house 400 miles away and the load/unload feature wasn't fun.

This last was 4 months ago and I rented a small storage unit for her seasonal clothes and the giant archive of slides and photos (3 family members past were avid photogs) as it turned out, when I was there in July we found a place within her current place for all of her clothes and other personal items and I brought the archive to my house so we were able to get rid of the storage unit and replace that with half a bedroom in my house.

Don't know about your mom's condition, but you may find over time that those belongings mean less to her and you will get to begin the endless shuffle in new and never-ending ways...:seeingstars:

Chin up, the end of this phase is near. :cheesy:

[Kelt]

I'm posting the third week installment of the PBS Newshour video series,

The Cost of Care: The U.S. needs more home care workers. Is this the solution? (https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/the-u-s-needs-more-home-care-workers-is-this-the-solution)

Again link only as it is not YouTube. The first couple are posted upthread.

"America's home care shortage is critical, and growing. The industry's shortage seems to be driven by low wages, few benefits and a lack of respect for workers, 90 percent of whom are women. Would giving them more responsibilities and more training help workers earn more?"

This issue has hit home with me twice this week, first on Monday the primary caregiver in the sister home to the one my mother is in called in and quit with no notice. Resources are being stretched across the board to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. The place where she lives is excellent but they are having such a hard time finding people that one of the houses had to be shut down due to lack of staff.

Second, I have an extra caregiver from the outside that I bring in twice a week to take my mother out for walks in parks, outing for a change of pace and exercise, and frequently a lunch out. It's good for her and she looks forward to these as a treat. Obviously when I am in town I get to do this with her. This morning I got a call from this caregivers sister about a family tragedy which will take her out of things, maybe forever. I have the utmost respect for her and feel horrible about what happened to her. I also have to find new help in a town that doesn't seem to have the resources. I use an agency that I helped get up and running a couple of years ago so should not have too much trouble though hiring is almost impossible even for this higher paying situation. This is a chronic situation that is only getting worse nationwide.

This is not a problem with medicaid for us as it is for many and even worse than the shortages I am talking about.

The linked video talks about the economics and shortages in the system. I hope policymakers start to wake up to the scope of the issue.

[Chained Daisy]

The final deadline for mom to be completely out of her house has been set by the new owner. She has to be completely out by this Thursday night so I had to take off work and call in my cousin for help. I will be sweating my guts out for the next two days and nights.

On the bright side I have lost weight and my muscles are firm again.

Mom and are are exhausted but we must push hard to make this deadline. I would appreciate support from my friends.
:praying:

Hoping you made the deadline Chad. Sounds like you have worked very hard on this move, I hope you will have some downtime and youtime scheduled soon and that your Mom gets nicely settled into her new pad.

[Chad]

Thank you friends for the support. This has been a horrible experience. The deep cleaning service is cleaning mom's house over night and mom decided to stay with them tonight.

I get the feeling that it is hard for her to leave that house. My friends have advised me to be extra kind and gentle with mom during this transition. As a task master, I did forget that being gentle now was very important.

My house is a mess with boxes but it will all be settled in time.

Thank you, friends.
Chad

[Chad]

I am headed to New Orleans for a week with my colleagues and my work wife (thanks easygoing for the terminology). The construction crew will be here and I asked my cousin to check in on mom. Mom has learned how to care for the kitties so that is a big help.

I am hoping that everything goes well.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I knew mum had dementia years ago but getting people to believe me was another issue.
She has been in and out of the hospital since I graduated my board exams, dementia worsening, living on her own.
She finally almost died beginning of May - I was told to rush to hospital and say goodbye - she had been forgetting to give herself insulin as a type 1 (most serious, born with) diabetic. She didn't die. But it caused more brain damage.

So she's been on a locked ward waiting to be placed in a care home through our provincial health care system. Which I am very grateful for - they take 80% of her earnings, no matter what they are, and she keeps the rest.

Today I got a phone call there is a bed, in our city of choice, in our borough of choice (VERY lucky), in a semi private room, with "cat company", there are two huge fish tanks, no locked ward but a locked building so she has 3 floors to wander around. A movie lounge, a dinning room, a cafe, a hair dresser that comes once a week, massage therapy students once a week (I was one of them once so I know the place well).

She gets more of her things than most places, and they want it to be as home-like as possible so they encourage people to bring paintings.

At the same time I have put the house on the market (it sold in 2 days), Packing like *MAD* on my own with a small amount of help from dad (divorced from mum 25 years).

I just signed a contract with an auctioneers who will come to the house and sell everything that isn't packed and put away - takes 12 days.

I have to make sure everything is as they require so that's two more days working my arse off with no break.

I've also been told I need to take 24 more hours course credit by end of Sept for my RMT license as this is a new thing they are making all of us do.
Its on line but FUCKIN NOW? REALLY? ok...

The new seller has in contract mums stuff has to be out by the 20th.

I need to get mums stuff we put aside to her new place in the next few days as she's being moved tomorrow. I was told **this morning**.

My step mum is freaking shit because dad is storing a few things there for a few weeks - so I have to find a storage place pronto and sign a contract with them.

SO fucking glad I have Power of Attorney and I pushed that a few weeks ago!!

My brother is on the other side of Canada going "I don't want anything, don't bloody send it to *me*."

I want everything to be over by Oct 1st. Really, really. And because I got mum's place in a bidding war, and actually showed it to people I really really hope she remembers me (if she can) with the "over asking" price so I can take some time off work and fucking expire for a week.

I've already lost time and thus funds from work doing all of this. :(

My own apt is a sty because there is no time to clean any of it, or cook. My cat hates me.

And I'm venting on line instead of doing my school work. :seeingstars:

[JDeere]

Dad is officially an amputee. They removed his right leg, up to his knee about an hour ago. His foot was healing but he fell and broke his leg in 2 places the other night, i had to call 911 so mom could help him try to remain calm. He will be in the hospital probably 2 to 3 weeks then sent to rehab hospital till he is well enough to come home, if he can.

Our current home is not equipped to care for him right now, its up in the air as to whether we make it handicapped accessible or sell the house to move into a place more helpful or the folks go into a retirement community and i go on my way. Dad cant work so he said hes retiring, hes a bad diabetic with heart disease, thyroid problems, high blood pressure, etc etc.

Im trying to take this one day at a time, i now am head of household, i do most everything from grocery shopping for mom and i to laundry, etc. The only thing i dont manage is their bills, mom does that, i just make sure the bills get mailed off in time....

Its going to be an extremely long hard road ahead...

[Chad]

Mom is now here in my house full time. The contractor's are building her an addition to my house. Things are going okay mostly but I have lost some freedom and that is painful. We are working on the fact that I don't eat dinner. That is hard on mom but she is trying.

The hardest part for me is that I have lost my alone time. I need that time to relax and gear up for the next day. My work days are harsh with folks in my face all day so I need some alone time at night. Mom and I have settled on one Perry Mason and then we go to our bedrooms. That is okay for now. I am a loner so this is not easy for me.

[Teddybear]

I took care of my mom for almost 8 months then I was promoted and had to move she chose not to go with me but one of my brothers. I am not sure what happened but she was there 6 months then they made a decision to take her back home to live alone. We are 4 months in and she is doing ok. I’m thankful for that however now things have changed for me and I don’t know what that means for her.

I don’t trust either of my brothers to take care of her if I am unable too. I don’t know if I should address it now while it is still fresh for me and them.

I can only imagine how the conversation would go. It will be short however I know it won’t resolve anything.

I know some will say I’m worrying about something I shouldn’t. I’m a fixer and a planner and to me I need to make sure this is settled.

[Chad]

2.5 months of living with mom. It is going well but it will be better once her suit is finished. We have had so much rain in central Texas that construction is a month behind schedule. The issues for mom have been lonely days and my eating schedule. I eat a good breakfast and lunch but no dinner. Mom likes 3 meals a day so it is a challenge for us.

On work days I get home around 6 pm so we spend 2 hours together and separate at 8 pm after Perry Mason that gives me about 2 hours of alone time which I need to rest and recharge. On weekends I take mom out for some fun and shopping. I think she looks forward to it. She gets to dress up and make herself pretty for the day. After all she is a southern lady.

This is good practice for me because I have never been happy living with other humans. Knowing now how important that alone time is was a learning moment.

[~ocean]

2.5 months of living with mom. It is going well but it will be better once her suit is finished. We have had so much rain in central Texas that construction is a month behind schedule. The issues for mom have been lonely days and my eating schedule. I eat a good breakfast and lunch but no dinner. Mom likes 3 meals a day so it is a challenge for us.

On work days I get home around 6 pm so we spend 2 hours together and separate at 8 pm after Perry Mason that gives me about 2 hours of alone time which I need to rest and recharge. On weekends I take mom out for some fun and shopping. I think she looks forward to it. She gets to dress up and make herself pretty for the day. After all she is a southern lady.

This is good practice for me because I have never been happy living with other humans. Knowing now how important that alone time is was a learning moment.



Chad your post is refreshing ~ family should be there for each other if it works out that way. your mom is lucky to have you and your obvious insight into family unity :)

[Chad]

Chad your post is refreshing ~ family should be there for each other if it works out that way. your mom is lucky to have you and your obvious insight into family unity :)

Thank you Ocean.
My mom is a good kind lady. I respect her and I am grateful to her for my good life.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Second overnight visit with my kiddo. Both the kids were here for about 7 hours. My oldest was completely overwhelmed and my anxiety was higher worrying about them both.

One meltdown this visit. Another visit in two weeks. I hope things get easier.

[Chad]

Well my work travel is ramping up for the next couple of months. I am grateful that my cousin is here to help with mom while I am traveling the south.

Mom's suit should be finished next week and we will finally have my house back in order so yay!

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am feeling like my world is not my own of late. My father has been in poor health for a while, but its getting worse, so I have been doing my best to help my mother care for him. He is argumentative and sometimes downright mean to her. I have been going to his appointments with her just so someone is there to stand up to him.

Between my dad and my kiddo... I am gone every day of the week lately, and never home till after dinner time. And that leaves my oldest to fend for herself and I am worried about what that will do to her in the long run.

Just keep swimming, I tell myself...

[MsTinkerbelly]

I am feeling like my world is not my own of late. My father has been in poor health for a while, but its getting worse, so I have been doing my best to help my mother care for him. He is argumentative and sometimes downright mean to her. I have been going to his appointments with her just so someone is there to stand up to him.

Between my dad and my kiddo... I am gone every day of the week lately, and never home till after dinner time. And that leaves my oldest to fend for herself and I am worried about what that will do to her in the long run.

Just keep swimming, I tell myself...

My daughter had to compete with my sick and dying mom for attention during her teens...she did not have to deal with a sibling who needed so much as well. However, if she knows she is loved, if you take a small moment to connect with her everyday, she will be fine. Children are resilient, and learn about sacrifice and family duty from us; in the end, it makes them stronger adults.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. (f)

[Chad]

I am happy to report that mom's new suit on my house is finished. I will set it up this weekend.

I am setting her up with local doctors and that is time consuming but I seem to be successful so far.

I have noticed that she gets confused a bit so I am keeping an eye on that and will bring it up to her doctor.

I think she is happy here but does get lonely because I travel for business so much.

My nearby relatives are a big help.

I feel like moving her to my house was the best choice for us.

Thank you to my BFP family for your support.

Chad

[GeorgiaMa'am]

When I saw my mom last weekend, I noticed she hadn't taken her pills for the day. I asked her about it, and she said she forgot. Then she said she forgets all the time. I asked her which ones did she forget? and she showed me all of her medications, including the stapled-together sheaf of prescription labels and patient notes that come with the prescriptions. I was surprised - it wasn't that many, only 3. Or maybe 4?!!

She had gotten two different prescriptions filled within days of each other, that didn't sound to me like they should be taken together. (They both contained HCTZ.) Of course, I don't know for sure, and I'm no medical professional. I asked her, "Did the doctor change one of your prescriptions?" "I'm not sure," she replied. "I don't think so."

So I wrote everything down for myself, and then I wrote two questions for her to call the doctor and ask on Monday morning. I made sure she understood the questions, and why she was asking. Of course, I know, when people have memory problems, that goes right in one ear and out the other. But I hoped that the way I phrased the questions would be simple, clear and help her remember.

So I called her Monday night and asked her what the doctor said. She very patiently explained to me that she was going to wait until her doctor's appointment the first week in December to ask, but thank you very much for worrying about her, and she would be fine, etc. Essentially, she told me to mind my own business.

My mother still lives on her own. She drives and goes places on her own. She keeps up with her appointments (mostly) by writing them on a calendar. Her memory is not so bad that I would come down hard on her and insist. I also wouldn't call the doctor behind her back - at this point. So I just asked her if she was sure ("Of course," she said,) and I let it go.

It's so hard to walk this tightrope of do I? or don't I? I don't want to fight a losing battle with her. I don't want to fight with her at all. Do I tell my sister or not? Probably I will, if Mom doesn't get those questions answered at her doctor's appointment. I'm constantly second-guessing myself, wondering, "Is this the time to push an issue?" "Has she deteriorated to the point that someone needs to monitor her more closely?"

I have no conclusion to this, just constant worry.

[girl_dee]

my mom, i saw her for the first time since her near death scare back in May.

She looks good and made sure to complain so I know she really is better. She will never admit that to me though. She really has lost her filter, there were some embarrassing comments made and it hurt people, the same people trying to help her. I cringe when we are all together. I know that i am the target when we are not together.

We said goodbye after a biting comment from her. I’m always left with the last word being hers and hurtful.

Each time i interact with her I am hopeful that we can come to a mother -daughter place.

I am starting to think that will never happen. It’s just not who she is.

[Chad]

Well, living with mom has been a bit of a challenge. I am just not good at living with other humans. All my bad habits from being unhappy return.

The biggest issue for her is still the fact that I don't eat very much. She likes her three meals a day.

At Christmas I heard her complain to her brother that I am gone a lot and that I don't eat. Ugh, I always make sure that she has home cooked food to eat even when I don't join her.

Yesterday, we went to her old town to empty another rented storage bin. Since it is only me moving stuff it makes me very upset to move around what I consider junk. We are down from 5 rented storage bins to 3. But my body suffers from the work and again there is no one to help me.

I feel exhausted and a little hopeless about her stuff.

[Oklahomagal]

Its so refreshing to read everyone's stories. I was a caregiver for the mentally challenges for over 5 years. I love it and miss it.

[Chad]

I am honoring my responsibility. I give mom everything that she needs.

However, as a self described loner this is harder than I imagined it would be. I don't thrive well living with other humans and it is starting to weigh on me personally.

I see no other solutions but to buck it up and make mom the priority.

[JustLovelyJenn]

New levels of caregiving in mylife.

In January my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. With my parents living with me again that makes me the primary caregiver for my mother and the secondary caregiver for my father (when mom is not well).

I have been attending doctors appointments with her and taking notes, I accompanied her to the hospital and waited (for 5 hours) while she had her lumpectomy.

The lumpectomy was successful, on the second attempt. During the first one she went into afib and her blood pressure bottomed out. They immediatly stopped the surgery and admitted her to the hospital overnight for testing and observation. So that left me to take care of dad alone for the first time.

OMGoodness... he is so obstinent and resentful. He hates being reminded of the things he needs to do, but he refuses to do the things he should, even when he DOES remember.

I feel overwhelmed, worried, and anxious. But there are also feeling of hopefulness. This is all looking like it will have a positive outcome so far.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I went to see my mom this weekend, and it was a good visit. She seems to be doing better, which I think may be because she's spending more time at my sister's house. They finished her mother-in-law suite, and it is really nice. It is still difficult for her to think of the words she wants to say, but I just wait for her, as when I'm visiting her I literally have all the time in the world to wait. I concentrate on not letting it get on my nerves, and not trying to finish her sentences for her unless she's really stuck on a word.

We went on a shopping trip to the mall to get a birthday present for my sister. My mom was able to express some opinions on different items, which she often gets frustrated and cannot do. We also cooked together - this is hard for her nowadays, as well, but she's fine as long as she only has to make one dish. I also showed her my Zentangle workbook, and we drew some Zentangles together. I was very pleased to see that she was able to draw and make some decisions of her own about what to draw, and make artistic decisions.

She seems to be on top of her medications, too. My sister made her a very explicit pill box container, that is color, time and date coded. It really seems to be working for Mom. The times when I checked on her this weekend, she had taken her pills on time. I think this is something that has improved by her staying with my sister also - they keep her on schedule, and so now it has become a habit.

My mom is not ready to go live with my sister full-time, although my sister wants her to. Mom talked about how calming it is for her to work in her yard; she is a very accomplished gardener, and her yard shows it. If she stays away from it for more than a few days, though, it can start to get away from her. She is completely against having someone come and do her gardening for her, even just to cut the grass. She also enjoys being on her own for periods of time. I'm hoping she will be able to hang in there and continue to enjoy her own home for as long as possible.

As for me, I'm feeling a good deal more relaxed than the last time I saw her. Her medications are straightened out. She's keeping herself fed, the house is super-clean as always, and of course her yard is lovely at this time of year. She knows the people who live around her, and our relatives and some family friends drop by and see her from time to time. Honestly, I'm more worried about my sister than my mom at this point. She is stretched thin by all she takes on. I'm not sure what else I can take on to help her at this point, but at least I can give her a reassuring report from my visit this weekend.

[RockOn]

Bless your Mom, your Sister and YOU.
Heart touching story! Thanks!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days).

She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled.

She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy.

She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away.

We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.)

I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her. She was a little more together, and her word mix-ups didn't seem to bother her so much. She has started a gigantic new flower bed project - probably 300 square feet. We had a good time looking up plants for it in her horticulture books - since I am in no way capable of helping her dig up anything.

She's quite pleased that two bluebirds have moved into one of her birdhouses. They are fairly rare in her area, and you have to have just the right accommodations to attract them to your yard.

We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time. We had some good conversations, and I gave her a back massage, which she loves. I guess we are in a phase where some times are just better than other times, and the times go up and down. I'm hoping so, I would much rather have it fluctuating than have the downward trend that I feared last time I visited.

I was able to take Monday off this time too, so it wasn't so hard for me to get back in the swing of things after I returned home. I'm just going to have to resign myself to going with the flow, and always taking a vacation day after each trip. Fortunately, I have a lot of them.

[Femmewench]

I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her.

We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time.

One of the things I did when visiting my parents when they lived in their last house was not help at times. I needed to see what they were doing and how they were doing it. There were a couple of things I never knew.

My mom's routine was dependent on my dad's needs; once he went into the hospital one day ahead of her (both with pneumonia,) my brother found her in her nightgown at 8 PM having burned something in the microwave. She'd never gotten dressed that day. The tv was on a fuzz channel since she couldn't turn on the cable. We were so concentrated on my dad whose short term memory was gone, we didn't look at my mom.

Hospitals and skilled nursing facilities will work with you when both of your parents are incapable of making their own decisions. My parents both had powers of attorney, etc. These required that they be seen by their PCP and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wasn't a problem. PCPs won't visit their patients in a hospital or skilled nursing facility. The patient has to go to them.

I hope your mom has all the needed paperwork to make it easier for you to care for her. I hope you also have this paperwork for yourself.

I hope she continues to remain in her home as long as it is safe and comfortable for her to do so and that any transition is smooth.

Best of luck to you.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Femmewench, thank you for your thoughtful words and insights. It's a worthwhile idea to observe my mother when I'm not helping her; it's just so hard to watch her struggle and be frustrated.

I admit I've been remiss in getting all that paperwork completed for myself. Thank goodness we do have everything in order for my mom.

It is my and my sister's goal to have her live in her own home as long as she wants to and is capable of doing so. She already spends about a third of her time at my sister's house, living in her own suite. At some point, I expect she will get tired of bouncing back and forth, but for now it suits her to live in two places.

Best wishes.

[Chad]

My mom has lived with me for a year. I feel like I lost a little of me in this. I like my independence but that seems lost too. I had shoulder surgery and everytime she heard me get up she came running. I know it is sweet but sometimes I need to be alone. I was under the weather this weekend and she did leave me alone, I was grateful for that. It's hard because I like to be alone.

[Kelt]

Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.(w)

[Kätzchen]

Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.(w)


That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care. (f)

[Kelt]

That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care. (f)

I don’t want to give the wrong impression. While it is very common with dementia patients to be agitated, angry, paranoid, and subject to personality changes; this is not the case with my mother. She has gone mostly what I call “ragdoll“ she is very sweet and doesn’t ask anybody for anything. I am able to joke with her that she has become the ultimate Buddha with no past and no future, now everything for her is a mildly pleasant surprise, she lives in the present. In this I know that I am very lucky, my hurts are just about watching her drift away. It is difficult to be forgotten by someone when you are right there.

[MrSunshine]

Im taking care of mom full time now. Dementia. FUCK!
I have much gratitude for the fine quantity of hair I posses or I would have surely pulled it all out today.
I have so much more gratitude that mom is still with me who always reminded me while in HER care that “no matter how hard you think you got it someone else has is worse”. But still, FUCK!

[Chad]

My life before becoming a caregiver was slammed now I live an exhausted life. My job days are between 10-17 hours a day, I come home and take care of mom and then travel 80 - 90 percent of the time. I cook all weekend so that mom has yummy home cooked food all week. I am exhausted everyday.

[Chad]

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

:blink:

[~ocean]

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

:blink:

chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck :)

[Kelt]

Mom went for a little stroll last night, 4 AM.

“She was wearing just her pajamas and had made it out of the house down the ADA ramps to the parking lot and was heading for the street. She had her walker filled with items that she was going to sell to a Vietnamese woman.“

Those are the chart notes. It was 31°. The part of the state she lives in now and has for the last 30 years has roughly zero Vietnamese population. We may be entering a new stage. One of the reasons I chose the house she is living in now is that they don’t believe in locking people down because they are a memory patient. The back door she used as exit is near her room and the door has an alarm on it, they will start setting the alarm at night but otherwise just keep a close eye on her and go with her when she takes a stroll. If needed they will also add motion sensors.

*sigh*

[Chad]

chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck :)


Thanks, I asked mom to call her insurance to see if it would pay for a service like Visiting Angel's but she has not done it. I hope to have time to make some of these calls over the Thanksgiving holidays.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Mom went for a little stroll last night, 4 AM.


I'm sorry to hear this, Kelt. It's scary when things like this happen. At least you have her in a place where they seem to keep a close eye on her, and hopefully it will be even closer from now on.

[~ocean]

Thanks, I asked mom to call her insurance to see if it would pay for a service like Visiting Angel's but she has not done it. I hope to have time to make some of these calls over the Thanksgiving holidays.

chad, the senior programs do all that , they find out her coverage and the programs that fall under her guidelines. Call them and give them her information they will provide options so no one has to make the calls. it's what our TAXES pay for. They would be out of jobs if they couldn't do the work for our senior's :) I am in Massachusetts so I hope the programs are the same in Texas. I am assuming it's nation wide.

[Chad]

Hey, I come to Mass every year you must be hiding. Ha!

I will check into it. Thanks.

[homoe]

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

:blink:

Chad, the Department of Aging offers some assistance, but there are guidelines of income and such that one must meet to qualify. I would say to contact them, it couldn't hurt.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom called and left me three voice mails this morning. I didn't hurry to call her back because I just spoke to her last night. But when I did call her back this morning, it turns out she has come up with some scheme to come stay with me for awhile and help me recuperate from my bout with pneumonia.

When I first got pneumonia, she told me how she wanted to come help me, but couldn't remember how to drive to my house. I thought my sister and I had talked her out of it. That was two-ish weeks ago.

Last night when I talked to her, I told her how much better I am doing, and that friends have been around to help me out. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I have been on a couple of outings (doctor visits) that led me to believe I will be able to handle getting from the parking deck to my office. She said all the appropriate things last night, like she understood what I was saying. But then this morning she calls with this complicated plan to come and stay with me and nurse me back to health.

I reminded her we talked just last night and that I am better. I teased her a little and said she must have dreamed that I needed help. And probably, it was something she dreamed. But this is just another sign of my mom's confusion when it comes to conversations and what's going on.

After reading about Kelt's mom going for a 4 a.m. walk, it made me wonder what would have happened if she had just gotten in her car and tried to drive to my house? She might have made it here - but quite possibly not. It wouldn't be the first time she had gotten lost while driving. And what if she hadn't told anyone where she was going? She forgets to take her cell phone with her when she goes outside. And one day, I'm afraid something like this is going to happen.

I wonder if it's possible to put GPS on her car? Or is that something that only happens in spy movies?

[Chad]

These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I feel like I am going off the deep end... my kiddo is locked up for being physically aggressive towards me, so I ran away... with her in lock up and nothing keeping me at home... I just left. And I can feel myself avoiding going back. I know I need to. I know I have responsibilities. But... its so hard.

[Kelt]

My mom is having a tough go of it this last week or so. She forgot my father and their 60 year marriage a while back and while she would sometimes ask “did my husband die?” it had gotten to where she didn’t remember his name anymore either.  When I visited her over Christmas at dinner one evening she noticed she was wearing two wedding rings one on each hand and asked me if I knew why. I told her that she was wearing her wedding ring where she always had and that the one on her right hand had been my fathers. She wasn’t sure why she was wearing them but seemed to take comfort in doing so.

Then a few days ago she had a vivid dream shortly before I called one morning and it involved my father having been in an accident and her being told by the police that he was dead. She was so relieved to be awake and asked me what I thought about it. I had to tell her all over again that yes, he really was dead, and has been for five years. There’s nothing like having to break your mother‘s heart yet again before breakfast.

Today was one of the two days a week that I have an extra caregiver come over and take her out for a couple of hours to do something different/fun like a walk in the park or a drive to just look around, special lunch, whatever they want. Todays notes included the rings coming back up again in a way that made her sad and anxious because she couldn’t remember anything about their time together. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to know that you knew but can’t ever know again.:watereyes:

I talk to her every other day and every time it breaks my heart just a little more and then sometimes it’s a gut punch when you just don’t see it coming.

[Chad]

A lot of my dear friends are posting on FB about their broken hearts and missing their mother's. I still have mom. So I will shut up now and take care of mom. May be a while from here but mom comes first.

[Jar]

These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.

[~SweetCheeks~]

The past five years I have went from caring for my grandmother, my mom and now my spouse. 6 months ago our lives as we knew them flipped upside down and sideways. Life is truly put into a different perspective when your told your spouse has a terminal diagnosis. Roles changed and new routines are our new normal. My love is fighting hard and and trying to beat the odds. I however am exhausted. I was in the process of dealing with my own health issues both mental and physical and most has been put on hold. But thru it all we're doing our best to try and push forward.

[Teddybear]

I so understand the stress of being a caregiver. My father passed Christmas of 2016 and within 3 months my mom was fighting for her life. She spent almost a month in the hospital. I made the decision to move from TX back to GA to care for her. My job let me work from home during that time. I also found another job, so I was working 3 jobs at the time. Mom started getting better and I got promoted which meant I had to move to be in an office she refused to go. My brothers, her and I came up with a plan where she would be with one of the three of us for 6 months at the time. She went to live with one brother and within 2 weeks she was with the other. In June of 18 he took her back to her house and dropped her off without telling anyone. She didnt tell us for over a month.

She has been there by herself for over a year and half. All of us check on her daily.

I would move back however I have since been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I am unable to. She would be more of my caregiver and I won't let that happen. My wife and I are doing fine.

My job lets me work from home with only a couple of trips to an office.

[Chad]

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.


Buddy, you are the best. Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am alone. My dad and brother left years ago. It is a struggle, sometimes I win and sometimes I fail but I keep fighting every day. This year mom will be 89 years old.

I think my personal life is mostly gone now.

[Chad]

I totally understand my friend. November 1st of last year my mom had a stroke and it’s changed my life forever. My siblings and I flew to Louisiana immediately and I realized she was going to need someone full time. I flew back to Connecticut and in 8 days I gave away almost everything I owned, put the condo into short sale, had the place cleaned and packed my car with the things I treasure the most. I then drove 24 hours to Louisiana stopping only a couple times for a quick nap in my car. For the next month I slept in a recliner next to her bed and lived out of my car.

During this time my siblings and I had an overwhelming list of things to do. Among them we had to find a place for her and I to live. We found the perfect place and had to move her townhouse stuff to the new apartment. Things are just now beginning to calm down and we’re finally getting into a routine.

I’ve never been through such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It continues to be challenging every day. I’m back in Louisiana where I swore I would never move back to. I miss home, which is still Connecticut, I miss my friends, my job, snow, having NYC an hour away, the freedom to do what I want and my privacy. I miss the me I used to be but I’m thankful my mom is alive and getting stronger. I’m thankful for my siblings.

I can’t imagine how you do it alone. I know, like you, I have to remember to take time for myself but it’s tough. Hang in there buddy.


I am here, only 6 hours away. If you need a buddy. I will make that drive. Take care buddy.

[Chad]

This life experience is harder than I could have imagined. I spent my life making a great career and now that is a burden instead of a celebration. Being a full time caregiver to my mom and having a career has become too stressful. I have made a lot of mistakes by leaking my misery out loud in many directions.

Folks say get help with mom and enjoy your time with her. Those are good ideas but not the reality. I have no time and no help. The cost of taking care of mom will put me in the poor house. Unfortunately, there is no viable answer. I plan to suck it up and make mom's life the best that I can and figure out the rest later.

[Chad]

Seems like I live in this thread now. I am struggling. I work and travel for business a lot. And when I come home there is more work.

I used to be happy. I dated and had fun. Now life is work every day. No fun and no dating.

I can honestly say that I am very unhappy these days.

I owe this to mom she saved me by adopting me but this is a hard debt to pay.

[Kelt]

So I put the happy stuff in the zombie thread. Here is the other side of the coin.

I am very worried about my mother. She is in Washington state. She is 88 and frail. On the up side, she is in the eastern half of the state well away from the virus outbreak area, the place where she lives is a private home with only 5 residents and there are 5 caregivers too, though they staff 24/7 with those 5 and backup is pretty much non-existent. On the lesser side of things it is a fairly rural town of 90k that had two decent hospitals until two years ago when the big hospital chain in Seattle bought the good one and gutted the staff. I also just found out the not-so-good regional hospital closed last month, so scarcer that usual resources. Mom is in goodish health with no diseases but she has dementia and can't remember things like no face touching. Did I mention that she is 88 and frail?

There is also all the worry/planning around what to do if she needs me there? I'm 1200 miles away, two international and one regional airports away, plus hotel etc to do what? Bring germs? Make things worse?

The state hospital association has told families not to visit any nursing homes anyway. While this is a private residence, it is also a licensed medical facility and they have to comply with all guidelines.

All I can do right now is to continue to worry myself sick and call her every morning to pretend there is nothing going on in the world and talk about the weather and what was for breakfast... Which she can't remember anyway. :seconddoh:

[Chad]

I have been home with mom for over a month. I have noticed that she wants three meals a day. My batchelor life was never like that so I am cooking a bunch. I also noticed that she gets winded walking from her bedroom to the living room and that concerns me. Maybe I can get her to walk more.

My number one job is to keep her safe and healthy.

We are good so far. My germaphobe brain has worked so far.

Be safe friends.

[homoe]

I have been home with mom for over a month. I have noticed that she wants three meals a day. My batchelor life was never like that so I am cooking a bunch. I also noticed that she gets winded walking from her bedroom to the living room and that concerns me. Maybe I can get her to walk more.

My number one job is to keep her safe and healthy.

We are good so far. My germaphobe brain has worked so far.

Be safe friends.

Good hearing from you Chad. Likewise stay safe!

[Stone-Butch]

I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.

[Chad]

Good hearing from you Chad. Likewise stay safe!

You know how to reach me. Not checking email but the phone is good. I love you too buddy. Stay safe.

[Chad]

I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.

I am sorry that you lost your mom. I know how hard this is.

[~ocean]

[QUOTE=Stone-Butch;1265971]I cared for my mom till she passed and it was a lot of worry but I would not have had it any other way.

I think all you care givers out there who give up a good part of their lives to look after loved ones should have a special blessing placed on each and every one of you. Keep well, the world needs folks like you.[/QUOTE

~ being their strength ~ strengthens our own soul ~

[Chad]

Mom rarely goes outside anymore eventhough I have planted pretty flowers around the house. After mowing yesterday I had an idea to drive her around my land to see the wildflowers. She really perked up. I drove her to see my neighbor's wildflowers too and he was out so we stopped for a chat. I think that made her day. Sometimes it is the small things that make a difference.

[Kelt]

Today I went ahead and canceled my hotel and car reservations to visit my mother over Mother’s Day, she can’t have any visitors anyway, never mind the fact that I would have to quarantine for two weeks after entering the state. Just out of curiosity I wondered how cheap the airfare had gotten and took a look. Alaska airlines is the only company that serves passengers in her town with a small turbo prop plane. There is no longer passenger service in her town or anywhere closer than a 4 Hour drive. I really didn’t see that one coming, of course I should have, but it was a surprise nonetheless. Another hurdle between us.

Beyond that where she is staying is working out very well for being on lockdown. It is a small private home with only four residents and half a dozen permanent caregivers. They also have a large deck which at this time of year provides very nice outdoor space and they are also eating lunch outside weather permitting each with their own table about 8 feet away from each other. Given what I have seen about these large crowded nursing and care homes I am extremely grateful for having found this place. I can only imagine how incredibly isolating it would be for these folks to be literally locked into their room or apartment. At least mom has freedom of movement within the various rooms of the house as well as the deck. All things considered, I don’t think she could be in a better place.

I still wish I could go be with her for Mother’s Day. (w)

[Kelt]

Looks like I spoke too soon and jinxed it.

Last night my mother had a fall and was taken to the hospital for assessment, no choice, likely a virus exposure. She is now back home.

Her shoulder is broken and now we are trying to figure out video conferencing with an orthotics office that is shut down. They say maybe Friday. My first reaction is to just get on an airplane and go be with her to fix things which is what I do and now I can’t.

I have never felt more helpless.

[~ocean]

Looks like I spoke too soon and jinxed it.

Last night my mother had a fall and was taken to the hospital for assessment, no choice, likely a virus exposure. She is now back home.

Her shoulder is broken and now we are trying to figure out video conferencing with an orthotics office that is shut down. They say maybe Friday. My first reaction is to just get on an airplane and go be with her to fix things which is what I do and now I can’t.

I have never felt more helpless.



((((( kelt )))))) so sorry ~

[Chad]

Sometimes I just need a break but there is no break. No help and no back up. I am alone in this and somedays I just need a day off.

[Chad]

It has come to my attention that I may not be specific sometimes. I am working from home these days. At 6:30 am I make mom and I breakfast then I work. At noon I make mom and I lunch, then I work. At 4:30 I make dinner. After that everything else. Cleaning, laundry, yardwork, groceries, cats, and anything else. Nothing here gets done if I don't do it. Sometimes I want to take the I out of all this work. Maybe go dancing for a change. :)