Caregivers and Stress

[homoe]

It has come to my attention that I may not be specific sometimes. I am working from home these days. At 6:30 am I make mom and I breakfast then I work. At noon I make mom and I lunch, then I work. At 4:30 I make dinner. After that everything else. Cleaning, laundry, yardwork, groceries, cats, and anything else. Nothing here gets done if I don't do it. Sometimes I want to take the I out of all this work. Maybe go dancing for a change. :)

Not to make light of your situation Chad but wait until after the social distancing thing for dancing! How much "fun" can be had when we have to hold our dancing partner 6 feet away..:|

[Chad]

Not to make light of your situation Chad but wait until after the social distancing thing for dancing! How much "fun" can be had when we have to hold our dancing partner 6 feet away..:|

Funny, my lady will have a big laugh about that.
:). Stay safe my friend I heart you.

[homoe]

Funny, my lady will have a big laugh about that.
:). Stay safe my friend I heart you.

OMG I've heard of romance budding while being incarcerated, but finding romance and a loved one during a pandemic, you my friend ROCK.....:hangloose:

[Chad]

OMG I've heard of romance budding while being incarcerated, but finding romance and a loved one during a pandemic, you my friend ROCK.....:hangloose:

Buddy, I love life. The we in my mentions represents so many of my loved ones. Stay home and stay safe.

[Jar]

Seems like I live in this thread now. I am struggling. I work and travel for business a lot. And when I come home there is more work.

I used to be happy. I dated and had fun. Now life is work every day. No fun and no dating.

I can honestly say that I am very unhappy these days.

I owe this to mom she saved me by adopting me but this is a hard debt to pay.

I totally understand my friend. I haven't posted here for a while because I've been moving between hospitals and rehabs with my mom. I feel the same as you do .... I owe my mom for a lifetime of support and love but it IS a big debt to pay.

[Jar]

Buddy, you are the best. Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am alone. My dad and brother left years ago. It is a struggle, sometimes I win and sometimes I fail but I keep fighting every day. This year mom will be 89 years old.

I think my personal life is mostly gone now.

Mine too. My life is all about doctors, medicare, hospitals and trying to navigate the system with everything on lock down because of this fucking covid. I'm the only one allowed in to see my mom and that's only because my sister raised hell with the hospital administrator. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. One day you and I will meet for a well deserved drink

[Starfish]

Mine too. My life is all about doctors, medicare, hospitals and trying to navigate the system with everything on lock down because of this fucking covid. I'm the only one allowed in to see my mom and that's only because my sister raised hell with the hospital administrator. It's exhausting, both mentally and physically. One day you and I will meet for a well deserved drink

My heart hurts and sympathizes with both of you. It's difficult to be in this stage of life. My beautiful, vibrant Mom has Alzheimer's and she doesn't understand why we can't hug and must visit on the porch. I met my kids there last week so they could tell her and my Dad that they would be great-grandparents and it was so bittersweet; all of us sitting there with masks on and my Dad fussing at my Mom to keep hers in place. Their roles have reversed and I'm ensuring they both have all they need. I'm becoming the parent and I've lost part of who I am as she loses herself. Keep your chins up both and gentle hugs to you. Be good to yourselves.

[Chad]

Caring for mom. I think that I am getting used to this now. It is hard work but we have a routine.

Thank goodness for my friends and chosen family. I think we are making progress. I sang today that is a great sign that I feel happy.

[Kelt]

My mother is experiencing “complications from a fall“, many tests and meds over the last couple of weeks, a trip to the ER yesterday. This is not going well.

And I can’t do a damn thing to help her.

[~ocean]

My mother is experiencing “complications from a fall“, many tests and meds over the last couple of weeks, a trip to the ER yesterday. This is not going well.

And I can’t do a damn thing to help her.

((((( you & your mom ))))))

[~SweetCheeks~]

Last summer "Justin" my spouse was diagnosed with end stage liver failure considered terminal. We have spent the last 9 months learning how to live our new normal. I am doing my best to keep her alive, healthy as I can and keep her comfortable. She is doing better just battling serious weight loss and fluid buildup from the liver not working well which is causing severe pain. She also was diagnosed with kidney failure. I have developed lists for all appointments with all her updated info and any changes. I have become a fierce advocate and voice for her as some Drs like to ignore needed treatments or act like I haven't done extensive research. It's one of the hardest things I have ever experienced watching the one I love with everything slowly lose more and more of their independence, but also hopeful watching how hard she's fighting to keep somewhat of a normal life. She was able to return to work from home and that has helped her so much. Much love and support to all the caregivers out there. sorry for the rambling

[clay]

My mother is experiencing “complications from a fall“, many tests and meds over the last couple of weeks, a trip to the ER yesterday. This is not going well.

And I can’t do a damn thing to help her.

(((((((((((((((((((((Kelt & your mom))))))))))))). Keeping you both in love & light daily! That is very challenging to be distanced, not to mention feeling so helpless. I am so sorry, my friend! Take care of you!

[clay]

Last summer "Justin" my spouse was diagnosed with end stage liver failure considered terminal. We have spent the last 9 months learning how to live our new normal. I am doing my best to keep her alive, healthy as I can and keep her comfortable. She is doing better just battling serious weight loss and fluid buildup from the liver not working well which is causing severe pain. She also was diagnosed with kidney failure. I have developed lists for all appointments with all her updated info and any changes. I have become a fierce advocate and voice for her as some Drs like to ignore needed treatments or act like I haven't done extensive research. It's one of the hardest things I have ever experienced watching the one I love with everything slowly lose more and more of their independence, but also hopeful watching how hard she's fighting to keep somewhat of a normal life. She was able to return to work from home and that has helped her so much. Much love and support to all the caregivers out there. sorry for the rambling

(((((((((((((((SweetCheeks))))))))))))) Bless you & Justin both! I know how very hard this is on the both of you. 11 years ago, I had this same challenge & heartbreak in my own life, watching my LTR partner pass away, after fighting 26 months (Stage 4, Terminal breast cancer, with metastases, esp her liver..which is what she succumbed to, too weak to fight any longer. This is gut wrenching, one is fraught with so many emotions, challenges, thoughts, and stress. I can't imagine your own journey with this, but know even from afar, you both are in my heart, & prayers daily! You know how much I love you both! Gentle hugs for you, my sweet friend!!

[JustLovelyJenn]

New adventure in the life of Jenn as a caregiver... I am spending part of the summer in Utah, helping my cousin who has stage four metastatic breast cancer. She is on her THIRD run of chemo... and its kicking her ass. I am doing my best to just make sure she has what she needs and leave her alone to rest... but this is defiantly a new experience for me. While taking care of my kiddo is demanding, there are things I can do, things that help, structure to follow. Taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, was a challenge, but it was new, and it was early, and the prognosis was easy. No chemo, radiation only, take the lump, eat healthy take your meds and go back to your life. Seeing everything my cousin is dealing with is hard. She knows this is not getting better. She knows we are just prolonging things as long as possible... hoping she makes it to her daughters high school graduation, her college graduation, her wedding, her first grandbabies birth. But, we dont know if any of that will happen. And I can see it in her, and it hurts my heart.

[Chad]

Hi, mom and I are good and we are safe here in no where Texas. Her mobility has diminished to about 10 %. I think it is time for a scooter.

I hope friends are safe in this pandemic.

[C0LLETTE]

hey chad, can i come and live with you and your mom? i'd love to live safely in nowhere somewhere.

[Chad]

hey chad, can i come and live with you and your mom? i'd love to live safely in nowhere somewhere.

Ha! My heart says yes but you would have to pass a ton of medical tests first.

[C0LLETTE]

Ha! My heart says yes but you would have to pass a ton of medical tests first.

As long as none of them deal with my mental health I should do fine.

[Chad]

We are okay. A scientist being a caregiver is hard but I am trying to make peace with it. Mom is at about 10% mobility now so that makes everything a little harder. She eats and sleeps I think she sleeps about 20 hours a day.

My life is upside down. I am day dreaming of a villa in Italy for retirement. :)

[Kelt]

About two weeks ago my mother started coming around in her mind and was able to speak to me in short sentences for a short time. That is the best she has been in four months since her fall and the resulting complications. I was so relieved, I thought for a while she was gone for good.

Today is her 89th birthday, for the first time ever we got to spend a few minutes on FaceTime, it was great. Normally I would’ve flown up there to be with her for a few days but this year everything is screwy, sending an iPad was the best I could do.

Happy birthday mom! :rrose:

[C0LLETTE]

Dear Kelt,

I was very moved reading your post; felt a flood of longing to once again hear my Mother's voice, see her smiling at me.

I wish you and your Mom much much more time together and the sharing of many sweet birthdays.

[Chad]

My mom is slipping a little with her memory. It worries me. She can no longer stand or walk well. She eats and sleeps most of the day. I am working from home now so I fix all her meals. Seems like there is a decline in her abilities.

Since this is all on me, I feel alone in this. My dad and brother have been gone a long time.

It is hard to take this on everyday.

[Chad]

My job wants a voluntary return to work. There is no way that I can do that. Even with a vaccine mom can't even feed herself anymore. I don't know where we go from here.

Things with mom keep getting harder.

[Femmewench]

My job wants a voluntary return to work. There is no way that I can do that. Even with a vaccine mom can't even feed herself anymore. I don't know where we go from here.

Things with mom keep getting harder.

It may be time for an assisted living facility or nursing home if finances allow. An assisted living facility would provide assistance with your mom's activities of daily living, eating, bathing, dressing, mobility, etc. They also provide (in non-COVID times) activities and outings and movies, etc. My parents spent their last years in one which allowed my brother and I the luxury of not worrying about them. (My mom wore a little electronic device which sent out an alarm if she tried to leave the front door; my dad didn't need one.)

She could bring her own bedroom furniture, clothes, comfy chair. Individual rooms had a small refrigerator and small sink - no cooking in the room. The meal portions were appropriate for my parents' appetites and there were choices enough at each meal to provide variety. For a small extra fee, we could eat with them and did when we visited. It helped reassure us as to the quality of the food as well as the various levels of assistance provided to residents as needed.

I'm happy to share more if you'd like.

And hardest of all, remember you have to put on your oxygen first in order to assist those who need it in putting on theirs. Caregiver burnout is a real thing.

[Chad]

Mom fell on the kitchen floor today. It took me 25 minutes to get her up. That was rough. I want her to use a wheel chair but she is defiant. Ugh .

[~ocean]

Mom fell on the kitchen floor today. It took me 25 minutes to get her up. That was rough. I want her to use a wheel chair but she is defiant. Ugh .

(((( chad's mom ))))

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Mom fell on the kitchen floor today. It took me 25 minutes to get her up. That was rough. I want her to use a wheel chair but she is defiant. Ugh .

Thank goodness your Mom is okay!

I once fell in the driveway and the only people available to help me get up were my Mom and an elderly neighbor lady (who didn't actually do much besides stand around fluttering her hands nervously). That was pretty humiliating, lying in the driveway for about half an hour. Mom finally brought out some couch cushions and I kind of rolled onto them until I was high enough to get my knees under me. Then they braced my walker while I pulled myself up. I'm sure I was a sight to see.

I did not know until recently that you can call the fire department, and they will come help you get up if you have fallen.

[Chad]

Thank goodness your Mom is okay!

I once fell in the driveway and the only people available to help me get up were my Mom and an elderly neighbor lady (who didn't actually do much besides stand around fluttering her hands nervously). That was pretty humiliating, lying in the driveway for about half an hour. Mom finally brought out some couch cushions and I kind of rolled onto them until I was high enough to get my knees under me. Then they braced my walker while I pulled myself up. I'm sure I was a sight to see.

I did not know until recently that you can call the fire department, and they will come help you get up if you have fallen.

That is exactly what we had to do, get a bunch of pillows and a stool and with all my might I pulled her up. I never want to do that again.

I am so sorry that you fell and had to feel yucky.

[Kelt]

I got to have FaceTime with mom today, it was good to see her. Sometimes it’s kind of fun that she has no memory. Every time we do this the the iPad is a marvel of “TV telephone“ she has no idea that shes seen it before.

It’s also fun that I can repeat every five minutes, I say “Hey mom, it’s Christmas!“ And she says “Really! Oh nice, oh this is special“ five minutes later “Hey mom…“ And it gets her every time. Of course that also means that every five minutes or so she peers at the screen and says “When did you get so old?” I reminder that she’s 30 years older than I am, then she asked how old that is and is utterly shocked every time. Lol

Well, it’s a weird year I hope that we are both around next year and that I can spend time with her in person.

Grateful for what we have for now…

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom is 80 years old and lives alone in her own home. However, she is fast approaching the time when she should not live alone due to her mental faculties; physically, she's in great shape. My sister is her primary caregiver, and sees her about twice a week and talks to her on the phone 2-3 times a day. She has my mom signed up for Amazon Prime auto-shipping for house staples, and she goes to the grocery store once a week and cleans out her refrigerator. My sister refills my mom's pill dispenser and delivers it to her weekly.

Unfortunately, my sister and BIL have caught Covid-19. Fortunately, my mom isn't exhibiting any symptoms. One of my sister's daughters and her husband live the basement of my sister's house; they have barricaded themselves in and are hoping not to catch it, but their proximity to my sister and BIL means that my niece isn't a good candidate to take over caring for my mom. There is another niece, who is 18 years old, and semi-responsible for someone her age. She can be relied upon to deliver my mom's medicine and probably do her grocery shopping, but cleaning out the refrigerator may be a bit beyond her. If an emergency were to happen I don't think she'd know what to do (and emergencies/small concerns happen all the time with my mom: the air unit is making a funny noise and the filters need to be changed, the water tank needs salt added, the neighbor's cats won't get off her lawn, a tree looks dead and like it's about to fall on the house (it isn't), some strange man and his sons come to the front door looking for yardwork. Due to mom's impending dementia, these same concerns happen repeatedly - because she doesn't remember that she's already told you about it once or 40 times before.

My sister has a lot on her back, and she has a job and health concerns of her own. I'd do more to help, but I live over 100 miles away, and I'm not in the best of health myself. I do not know what else I can do to help her or my mom. Now with both my sister and my BIL carrying the threat of Covid infection, there aren't many options for other people to help. There's my semi-reliable niece, as previously mentioned, and a couple of elderly aunts who could look in on my mom and possibly do some grocery shopping. But every new person who is introduced into my mom's vicinity is just another chance for her to be exposed to Covid.

I'm not sure what we're going to do. Please, please don't let there be any true emergencies. If I can get a negative Covid test, maybe I can move in with my mom until my sister and BIL get over this. I can _probably_ step up to the plate and take care of us, especially since my mom can do the physical stuff like walking to the mailbox. I can do the grocery shopping, especially since Kroger has the we'll-shop-for-you-and-you-pick-it-up service. Amazon delivers, even to her house in the middle of nowhere. There are no food or drug store delivery services, but I can still go to drive-thrus in the nearby town, and my mom can help me cook as long as I gently direct her and don't expect too much. The trick for me will be not letting her wear me down or getting as frustrated as she is. I will have to put off starting my chemo for another month or so, which will probably be okay. I'll call my oncologist tomorrow and find out. If it can't wait any longer, probably my semi-reliable niece can drive me to the appointment, and my mom can just be alone for that day.

[Kätzchen]

.... I will have to put off starting my chemo for another month or so, which will probably be okay. I'll call my oncologist tomorrow and find out. If it can't wait any longer, probably my semi-reliable niece can drive me to the appointment, and my mom can just be alone for that day....


Rico has Stage 4 Kidney Cancer and his rounds of chemo leave him weak for around two days or so. In the beginning, when he first found out he had stage 4 Kidney cancer, he was reluctant to try chemo, out of the few strategies available to him. I'm glad he began chemo when he did because each day that goes by, is another day his health could fail without any other remedy that could help him battle this sort of cancer.

I guess I just want to encourage you to put your self first and give your health care choices the opportunity to enrich your life, right now.

Sending all sorts of positive energy your way and supportiveness while you battle this crisis in your life.

Wellness wishes for you and your entire family, Sister Georgia :bunchflowers: :bunchflowers: :bunchflowers:

[Kelt]

My mom is 80 years old and lives alone in her own home. However, she is fast approaching the time when she should not live alone due to her mental faculties; physically, she's in great shape. <snip>

You are entering the "interesting" years, no way of knowing how long until things change but when it happens it's NOW. I'm glad you have others to help and some flexibility of your own. Amazon is a life saver for sure. The time to figure out who can contribute what is right now, along with a complete document review while she can still sign things if needed. Things will likely also start getting more expensive, same thing, sort it out now because when you need the answers you won't have time to research then, have a plan B and C. I'm sure you have all this well in hand, if you think I can be of help, PM me.

I wish you the very best with all of this.

[Bèsame*]

You are entering the "interesting" years, no way of knowing how long until things change but when it happens it's NOW. I'm glad you have others to help and some flexibility of your own. Amazon is a life saver for sure. The time to figure out who can contribute what is right now, along with a complete document review while she can still sign things if needed. Things will likely also start getting more expensive, same thing, sort it out now because when you need the answers you won't have time to research then, have a plan B and C. I'm sure you have all this well in hand, if you think I can be of help, PM me.

I wish you the very best with all of this.

The "interesting" years are approaching me I feel. That's why I've been working on a plan to be closer to my Mom. First, it was a national company to work for with eligibility to transfer. Next, was to get her to agree to warmer weather.
Now, we are waiting for spring. She is packing things up and eliminating.
Having her closer, not only will it make me feel better, but she can depend on me with any help that she needs.

I've read this thread and watched what you all are going thru. It's getting closer to my "interesting" years of care. I'm already starting I think.

[Kelt]

Great news! Where my mother lives all four residents and six caregivers are getting their first vaccination today, with second already scheduled for February 15. After that happens I can unclench a little bit…

[Chad]

In March mom will be 89 years old. She has lived with me for almost 3 years. She can barely walk but she has most of her mind intact. I wish that we could have a birthday party but it is too risky.

[Chad]

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.

I understand, especially considering what some of those places are like. My mom had to put her mother in Central State Hospital in the Alzheimer's care unit, and she was there for nearly 20 years. My grandmother had become violent and there was no other choice; no private home would take her, and my mom could not defend herself. But my mom never abandoned her; she joined the board of the facility, and was a strong advocate for patient rights. My mom went to see her mother every week, and took her clothes home to wash; she felt that if she washed my grandmother's clothes, it was a strong message to the staff that someone was keeping a close eye on my grandmother. My mom continued to see her at least weekly until my grandmother passed away, even after my grandmother had completely lost all of her faculties and did not recognize my mother at all; for the last few years, she lay in her bed all the time and did not even talk. But my mom was there to make sure she was being rotated regularly to prevent bedsores and to wash her clothes.

As I've said here before, my sister and I will do our very best to prevent anything like that happening to our mom. My sister has a suite built in her home for our mom; our mom stays there overnight sometimes now, like when she has a hair appointment early the next day (because my sister is 45 minutes closer to her hair dresser); or like on weekends or at holidays, or just wants to get out of her own house. But, she never really wants to leave her own house, and my sister and I do everything we can to make sure she can stay there on her own as long as she wants. My mom has had the first of her Covid vaccinations, and as soon as I have mine, I'm going to stay with her for awhile. I can work from there as easily as I can from home, and it will take some of the work off my sister.

All this is to say, just hang in there, and appreciate the times with your mom while you can. Just like when we were children, being cared for by our parents, we will never get these days back again.

[MrSunshine]

A lot of folks have suggested that I put mom in a home but I just can't do that. Mom and Dad adopted me at birth. I come from Georgia blood. They gave me shelter, food, and safety for 18 years. I owe them a debt. My dad is gone but as long as my mom is alive I will repay that debt. She does not want for anything I provide her a good life.

Yes, it is hard sometimes and I struggle with it but if you think about it our parents struggled with us too.


I came down to get my mom out of a home my sister put her in and it caused my mom a rapid decline. I got her out within months and she was gone after seven months of living with me. Putting her in that home just made her snowball downward. It really broke her heart and I would not suggest it.

It was really hard at times with my mom but I still would go back and do it again. She’s been gone a few months now and I miss her every single day even the bad stuff.
Yeah. hang on to her for as long as you have her. ❤️

[Chad]

I understand, especially considering what some of those places are like. My mom had to put her mother in Central State Hospital in the Alzheimer's care unit, and she was there for nearly 20 years. My grandmother had become violent and there was no other choice; no private home would take her, and my mom could not defend herself. But my mom never abandoned her; she joined the board of the facility, and was a strong advocate for patient rights. My mom went to see her mother every week, and took her clothes home to wash; she felt that if she washed my grandmother's clothes, it was a strong message to the staff that someone was keeping a close eye on my grandmother. My mom continued to see her at least weekly until my grandmother passed away, even after my grandmother had completely lost all of her faculties and did not recognize my mother at all; for the last few years, she lay in her bed all the time and did not even talk. But my mom was there to make sure she was being rotated regularly to prevent bedsores and to wash her clothes.

As I've said here before, my sister and I will do our very best to prevent anything like that happening to our mom. My sister has a suite built in her home for our mom; our mom stays there overnight sometimes now, like when she has a hair appointment early the next day (because my sister is 45 minutes closer to her hair dresser); or like on weekends or at holidays, or just wants to get out of her own house. But, she never really wants to leave her own house, and my sister and I do everything we can to make sure she can stay there on her own as long as she wants. My mom has had the first of her Covid vaccinations, and as soon as I have mine, I'm going to stay with her for awhile. I can work from there as easily as I can from home, and it will take some of the work off my sister.

All this is to say, just hang in there, and appreciate the times with your mom while you can. Just like when we were children, being cared for by our parents, we will never get these days back again.

I am sorry that your family went through that. My heart feels sad for your mom. I wish your family peace.

[Chad]

I am under a lot of stress this week because of the ice storm in Texas. We lost electricity and water. To care for us I had to heat the house using the fireplace and find water using ice and snow. We have electricity now but no water.

My job starts again on Monday but we still have no water. It is such a struggle.

[Chad]

Mom got the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

In a few days she will be 89 years old and wants fried chicken for her birthday meal. We are so Texan about food. Haha!

[Chad]

Mom got her second dose of the vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

Her body is failing. She can barely walk with assistance. We got a prescription for some ADA structures.

I don't think that I can go back to the office full time. I am her only help.

It is hard on me everyday but this is a debt and I always pay my debts. As long as my mom lives she will be treated as a queen. My dad started that and I will finish it

[homoe]

Mom got her second dose of the vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

Her body is failing. She can barely walk with assistance. We got a prescription for some ADA structures.

I don't think that I can go back to the office full time. I am her only help.

It is hard on me everyday but this is a debt and I always pay my debts. As long as my mom lives she will be treated as a queen. My dad started that and I will finish it

:goodpost:

Good on you Chad, what a wonderful outlook!

[Kelt]

My mother passed :watereyes: (w)

She was very pampered and comfortable, going peacefully in her sleep as I had hoped she would.

I want to thank the folks in this thread who have been supportive of me for the last six years while I have been on this journey with her. You’ve been great. :olive:

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom went to live in the nursing home today.

My sister took her alone. Several people advised us that the fewer family members that went to drop her off, the better. Too many people would just be confusing for my mom and would prevent her from settling in. The people at the nursing home also advised us to wait 5-6 weeks before visiting her. My sister said, "No way" and told me she was going to be there every day, even if it was just to put eyes on our mom while she was eating in the dining room.

The home is only six minutes from my sister's house. We both feel really lucky to have found a nice, appropriate place so close to my sister. My sister knows many of the people who work there (she knows everybody in her town - she was a teacher for many years and it seems like half the population ended up in her class at one time or another). There is low turnover in the staff. The home is clean and the rooms are nice. The food is acceptable. (Mom must have liked it, because they reported she "cleaned her plate" at lunch today.)

I've got more feelings about this, but I'll have to write more later.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

So, my sister did not wait even one day to go see our mom again. Right after she finished updating me, she went right back to take our mom some odds and ends she had forgotten to pack. Then today my sister went to visit Mom again. The staff reported that she had slept well. I was glad to hear this; it was one of the things I worried about last night at 4 am when I was awake thinking about her.

My sister said Mom seemed more settled today. This is surprising to me; our entire lives, my sister and I were made to promise to our Mom and our Dad that we would never put Mom in "one of those places". Our grandmother lived with us for awhile when she had Alzheimer's, and she eventually became violent. Because of the violence, the only place that would take her was the state mental hospital. My mother was terrified of ending up there one day herself.

This nursing home is much nicer than the mental hospital where my grandmother lived for 10+/- years. Still, Mom was always adamantly against living anywhere except her own home. It was a battle to get her to live with my sister for two years. On the one hand, I feel guilty for not finding some way to help my sister keep our mom in her own home, or at least at my sister's home. On the other hand, I feel angry at our parents for ever making us promise such a thing. After all, they had tried to keep our grandmother in our home and couldn't. But our mom was terrified, and our dad loved Mom so much that he would have promised anything she wanted.

I may be going straight to Hell.

(Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. But if there's a place for ungrateful, bad children, I may end up there.)

[clay]

......."snipped for quote"

I may be going straight to Hell.

(Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. But if there's a place for ungrateful, bad children, I may end up there.)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GeorgiaMa'am)))))) ))))))))))))))) there is no such thing as that. Promises made years ago, with so many unknowns going forward, shouldn't create extra grief or burdens on someone. AT THE TIME, it satisfied parties concerned. Going forward, life happens, things change, and YOU haven't any reason to feel guilty, or that you have "broken a promise" made in the heat of the moment! All I can do is to support you, listen to you, and offer strength & courage. We are human, we have frailties, we fail at life sometimes, but in no way are any of us a "FAILURE". You have done what is/was humanely possible in all ways that matter. Please do not beat yourself up, my dear friend! This is only my personal opinion, with you! The assisted living care facilities today are much nicer, are equipped to handle patients with memory/cognitive issues. Time will be the kindest for all of you. Hoping your sister will be able to abide by the rules....it will only add to confusion for her to go "every day" in the long run! Just my humble 2 cents. I feel your pain, want to offer you encouragement & positivity!! Big hugs, D!!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

. . . Promises made years ago, with so many unknowns going forward, shouldn't create extra grief or burdens on someone. AT THE TIME, it satisfied parties concerned. Going forward, life happens, things change, and YOU haven't any reason to feel guilty, or that you have "broken a promise" . . .


Thank you clay, you are right, of course. Logically, I know that. But emotionally - well, I've spent most of the evening crying. It was not a good day, for me or for my mom. She didn't sleep well last night. Today, she slipped and fell; thank the Goddess she didn't break anything. I was reminded this evening that she doesn't remember who I am, even if she is told I'm her daughter and what my name is.

She doesn't have a phone in her room, and she is beyond being able to operate a cell phone. I used to call her every Sunday. Even if she didn't remember me and wasn't able to say much to me, I could tell her about my week, and share memories with her. I've been thinking about digging out my stationery (yes, I still have stationery) and writing to her instead. But I have to wonder if it will just upset her. I will probably just give it a try for a few weeks, then ask the nurses and my sister what her reactions were.

Clay, thank you for all your supportive words. They help, they really do. So do the virtual hugs. (((((((Hugs!)))))))

[clay]

Thank you clay, you are right, of course. Lo

Clay, thank you for all your supportive words. They help, they really do. So do the virtual hugs. (((((((Hugs!)))))))

YVW my sweet friend! Anytime! You are allowed to feel emotions, and should do them, let them out, mull them over if you wish. You have to remember your heart has been so shattred with so much death & grief in last few months, plus you lost your dad a few years back. This is a heavy toll, singly..but with THREE. That is a TON of grief to work through, way too close together.! Be gentle with yourself.....time is a salve of sorts. Allow your heart to feel whatever it feels....take this one thing...one step...one day at a time. Journal if you have one. It helps me. It is also okay to be "angry" with those who have left you......I wrote a letter to my artner I lost in 2009. It wasn't her choice to leave, but still I was so angry...at the Universe, at doctors, at myself..IF ONLY I had made her get a mammo (never had a one) and was so healthy. Then I burned the letter and buried the ashes.

I am really glad to hear that your mom wasn't injured in her fall, but hoping no more of those.

Write her a letter, more for yourself, thatn her.....just be generic & share general things, or memories, and let her know you love her! I would relish having letters sent to me...if I were in a home. hell, I LOVE getting them now...but never do. I LOVE the notes on the penpal projects and always try to personalize my projects!!

I love you, D!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

[GeorgiaMa'am]

They temporarily kicked my mom out of the nursing home today.

She was emotional and would not leave the other residents alone. She threw a remote at somebody's head, and that was it. They called my sister and her husband and asked them to come get her, she could not spend another night in the home. The only way they would let her back in was if she had some medical contributing factor, and it got taken care of.

The had the sheriff (!) take Mama to the hospital. They did not charge her with anything, though. The ER checked her out, and it turns out she has a bad UTI. They are giving her an antibiotic IV and Ativan to calm her down- which did not calm her down at all. Now she is hallucinating and giggling and saying all kinds of gibberish. They're treating her in the ER, but the nursing home says she has to be admitted and treated in order for them to let her come back. (Red tape B.S.!)

Thank goodness the home will let Mama come back, though. It concerns me that the nursing staff did not figure out she had a UTI. I know they're at a disadvantage because Mama can't tell them what's wrong with her. But still! They're supposed to be looking after her!

My sister is still waiting with her in the ER. She says she needs an IV of Tito's from having to deal with all the red tape. I don't know know where they're going to go for the night. Hopefully my sister can get my mom admitted to the hospital for one night.

[clay]

My wife has been such a strength, support, & amazing caregiver during this past year from hell, for me!

She is such a kind, gentle, compassionate individual! She has tromped to visits, tests, hospitalizations, all the while smiling, never complaining, & ever by my side. Most weeks, we were at some dr office or hospital or testing center several days a week. She lifts my electric chair in/out of the truck...and I KNOW it taxes her shoulders & back..but she does so with love & a smile.

The goddess & the universe truly blessed me with this incredible woman! I couldn't have chosen a more compatible, loving, devoted soul. She always makes me feel loved, wanted, & a big part of her life!

Thank you, C.!!!!! You are my salvation, my light, & my forever love!

[easygoingfemme]

I'm so deep into this that I don't even know what to say. This month's adventures are in finances of elder care. I get these bills from my father's assisted living facility and they don't match the services he receives or the paperwork I signed when moving him in. Thank goddess he has long term care insurance that reimburses about 70% of the bills, but I have to pay the bills first and submit them and sign off that they are accurate, and they are not! I've been asking since 10/1 why his bill is more than 1k over what it should be and haven't gotten a clear answer other than that we will see "a credit" in next month's bill. No detail on how much or why or what happened. And they charged (and then reversed after I pushed back) a $250 late fee because I wouldn't pay the bill without an explanation for the very large overcharge. And they want me to fill out automatic withdrawal from his bank account! No, thank you.

[nhplowboi]

Good on you EGF for your diligence. I'm sure financial abuse is the norm and they are not used to a resident having an advocate closely monitoring what is happening. Also an advocate that is not going to be overwhelmed by the layers of paperwork nonsense they will use to support their position. Wishing you strength to continue the good fight on behalf of your dad.I'm so deep into this that I don't even know what to say. This month's adventures are in finances of elder care. I get these bills from my father's assisted living facility and they don't match the services he receives or the paperwork I signed when moving him in. Thank goddess he has long term care insurance that reimburses about 70% of the bills, but I have to pay the bills first and submit them and sign off that they are accurate, and they are not! I've been asking since 10/1 why his bill is more than 1k over what it should be and haven't gotten a clear answer other than that we will see "a credit" in next month's bill. No detail on how much or why or what happened. And they charged (and then reversed after I pushed back) a $250 late fee because I wouldn't pay the bill without an explanation for the very large overcharge. And they want me to fill out automatic withdrawal from his bank account! No, thank you.

[easygoingfemme]

Good on you EGF for your diligence. I'm sure financial abuse is the norm and they are not used to a resident having an advocate closely monitoring what is happening. Also an advocate that is not going to be overwhelmed by the layers of paperwork nonsense they will use to support their position. Wishing you strength to continue the good fight on behalf of your dad.


Thank you. It's like they just make things up and when I ask for documentation... crickets.