Long Distance Relationships

[JrzyButch]

Do you find it hard to do a long distance relationship? and do they last?

[always2late]

Personally speaking, I like long distance relationships and I think that, perhaps, I am more suited to them. As I've gotten older I've found that I am the kind of person that actually enjoys being physically alone. It's not that I am antisocial, or that I crave being alone emotionally, it's just that I need my own space. Long distance relationships lend themselves very well to my personality type.

As to whether or not a long distance relationship can last...I think that depends on the two people in the relationship, just as it does in any other relationship.

[NorCalStud]

No thankyou

[DapperButch]

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...ead.php?t=3112

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...ead.php?t=1590

[JustBeingMe]

LDR? No thank you. I prefer to have met someone in my own backyard so to speak. This way it's less expensive to see them, you can see one another more often, have a relationship first hand and not long distance, get to know one another more in person instead of waiting and waiting to go see them. I"ve had a few LDR's in my past, didn't work out for whatever the reasons are. I am a hands on person when it comes to touch and love. I have a physical and emotional desire to be with the person I have fallen in love with.
I will never uproot my life and move away, again, from my family and friends.
To each their own with LDR's and I hope those that are able to be involved in them are happy and completely satisfied. Just not my thing.

[tndoc]

It really is to each is own.
I have seen them work, with alot of trust and understanding.
And sometimes they end in disaster.

i'd be willing to try, but again. to find the right one to have a sound foundation of friendship, trust and loyalty to one another.

i will enjoy reading every one elses responses.

[RockOn]

I did one LDR. That was enough. I will never ever do another one. Just not for me for many reasons.

LDRs have worked great for lots of people. I am happy for them.

Also, I love to see couples who really are in love stick together and work things out when bumpy roads are encountered.

*smiling and waving at all you happy couples who met through a LDR*

[Soft*Silver]

I think it depends on the two people and the circumstances around them.

I also think it depends on your stability, and ability to be patient.

The biggest mistake I have made, and watched others make, was to jump into relationships too quickly online, and move to the other person because of how intense and deep it felt while we spent some moments together when we did meet.

There is a honeymoon stage couples go thru. Then reality stage. Then, the commitment stage should happen. In LDs, I have not given the reality stage long enough.

And, giving up our roots is a big deal too. I left good jobs, wonderful housing, precious things, to be with people I thought were going to be my Forever Butch. I regret doing that. And at my age, I will not do that again. I put my foot down and said, "never again" and I mean it. So much so, that I have left one LDR, and refused to start another one, both with people I dearly loved, because I would not and they would not, relocate.

Do I think they can work? Absolutely. But the term needs to be Long Distance Long Term Relationship. They need time. Lots of time. More so than local relationships, in my opinion...

[Heavenleahangel]

In my experience, LDR's can work if one of two things are in play. 1) Both parties are content with only seeing each other when it can be worked out or 2) Both parties go into the "getting to know each other" stage understanding someone will be relocating.
Of course it takes someone with morals in everything as honesty is an utmost essential. If two people are within reasonable distance then surprise visits and getting to see someone when they are not on their best behavior or their house isn't immaculate is ideal. You get to see the good and unfortunately, the not so good side of a person. But when the distance is far or one of the parties can't travel/visit, then that makes it harder to truly get to see the other party for who/what they are.
It can work and I have seen it work. A LDR can last just as a traditional relationship can. But being honest and dedication are key.

[Blade]

Originally Posted by JustBeingMe

LDR? No thank you. I prefer to have met someone in my own backyard so to speak. This way it's less expensive to see them, you can see one another more often, have a relationship first hand and not long distance, get to know one another more in person instead of waiting and waiting to go see them. I"ve had a few LDR's in my past, didn't work out for whatever the reasons are. I am a hands on person when it comes to touch and love. I have a physical and emotional desire to be with the person I have fallen in love with.
I will never uproot my life and move away, again, from my family and friends.
To each their own with LDR's and I hope those that are able to be involved in them are happy and completely satisfied. Just not my thing.

Yeah this works for me.

[LaneyDoll]

I am in an LDR and I am really happy. We met via a mutual friend and we started with a solid rock foundation of friendship. He is in school and should graduate within a year. I have very deep roots in my community plus I have children and a support system. His roots are not located where he lives.

Obviously, if anyone moves, he will. But, right now is not the time. He needs a quiet place to study so he can graduate on time.

I think that part of our success is that we are both open with each other, we both take times for ourselves and we still give the other what we need to feel loved. We live 4.5 hours away so we try to see each other every month or so.

I also think that one of the main keys to what works for us is really knowing and supporting the other. He is an introvert. He likes his time to veg out in front of the TV or with a movie. He likes NOT having to be anywhere except home or work or school. And he supports that I am an extrovert. He knows I want to go off with friends, go to events, have fun and stay busy. He supports that. Every time I go out, he talks to me during the ride home to make sure I arrive safely then stays on the line while I get inside and get the door locked.

I honestly think that you get out of anything what you put into it. We both put a lot into our relationship and we get a lot back.

I do not have any friends here who know me in real life but if I did, they would chime in and tell you that what I have, is truly wonderful and that the happiness it brings is evident.

EDIT to add:
Our two year anniversary is approaching btw. The exact date however, depends on which of us you ask since we both view it differently based on the events that we feel mark it.

[Koffeelvr]

Originally Posted by tndoc

It really is to each is own.
I have seen them work, with alot of trust and understanding.
And sometimes they end in disaster.

i'd be willing to try, but again. to find the right one to have a sound foundation of friendship, trust and loyalty to one another.

i will enjoy reading every one elses responses.

Well put tndoc. I feel the same way.

[Metro]

Have been pondering this subject in the last year or so and have modified my personal view (as it applies to me) – to a degree. Traveling up to 4 hours would be doable. Friendships aside, any more than 1/2 day drive and I would find it difficult to get and remain connected on an intimate level. Phone/email/Skype just doesn't replace the in-person cues that help me know a partner and become known.

[BestButchBoy]

The only way to get to know someone is spend time with them in real time in real life. If you cannot afford to see one another on a regular and continual basis, OR, if neither of you can or will move to a location where you can actually spend time together to get to know one another; YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. These are facts. Indisputable. Facts.

[Miss Scarlett]

There are 3 "T"s and 1 "C" and 1 "R" important to every relationship whether they are LDR or not...

TIME - rushing things is seldom a good idea and rarely, if ever, does it set a firm cornerstone. You absolutely must take the time to get to know each other...life isn't like the movies.

TRUTH - always be truthful. Never tell someone what they want to hear or what you think they want to hear. When there is distance between you it's easy to fall into this. And so easy to believe you can say one thing while doing the opposite...after all, who's going to know? (BTW, this isn't unique to LDRs either...I actually had this happen to me about a bazillion years ago while the person was living under my roof!)

TRUST - You have to be able to trust each other. Once trust is broken it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to repair.

COMMUNICATION - a must in every relationship. In LDRs it is especially important because that's really the only time you have together when you are apart. I don't mean this has to be constant, it just has to be consistent. No matter how busy someone is it only takes a second to send a text or an email or even a quick phone call. Even sending a card via snail mail works.

RESPECT - respect each other, respect yourselves.

[VintageFemme]

The internet has made our world much smaller and brought people into our lives that would never have come if it weren't for this medium. I absolutely do think long distance relationships can work but I think there is so much more work that goes into one than one that isn't. And you have to be ready to do the work to make it work. It requires so much trust, communication and attentiveness. It truly has to be the priority in your life because if it isn't, it will suffer at the hands of distance. And in my personal experience, I've also learned that you cannot jump too quickly. You have to take the time to get to know one another which in a ldr is a lot longer than in the day to day face to face world. But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties. Yeah, in my humble albeit experienced opinion - I do think they can work.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties.

Well said!

Always, always, always take the time to check the depth of the water before you dive in.

(It took stubborn me a long time to learn this valuable lesson.)

[Tony]

Originally Posted by VintageFemme

The internet has made our world much smaller and brought people into our lives that would never have come if it weren't for this medium. I absolutely do think long distance relationships can work but I think there is so much more work that goes into one than one that isn't. And you have to be ready to do the work to make it work. It requires so much trust, communication and attentiveness. It truly has to be the priority in your life because if it isn't, it will suffer at the hands of distance. And in my personal experience, I've also learned that you cannot jump too quickly. You have to take the time to get to know one another which in a ldr is a lot longer than in the day to day face to face world. But if you're looking at forever, then taking it slow really is a small thing in the big picture. Every relationship is a risk always. There are never ever safety nets when you jump but taking a few precautions and jumping in slow motion I think can minimize some of those uncertainties. Yeah, in my humble albeit experienced opinion - I do think they can work.

I have found bits and pieces in all the posts here, but this one encompasses a lot of what I believe. I don't post much here, but this caught my eye and it is a subject near and dear to my heart. I'm going to share my experiences.
I've had 3 LDR's. The first was with a woman that I had a 30 year history with. We went to high school together, she searched for me, and while I felt I was being stalked, in the end we had a LDR. We met 5 weeks after first conversing (even tho I felt I was being stalked initially). We decided we had to do LDR for 1 year while the kids graduated school. We were both in an excellent financial situation so we were able to bridge the 1,000 mile separation every 3-4 weeks. We also had decided on a "be together" date after our first meeting. Long story short, after a year, she moves here, we've already established ourselves in both of our friends and families circles so it was a very smooth transition. We married, it eventually ended in divorce but not due to the LDR.
My second LDR was an online initiated relationship. My first. It was pretty much a train wreck (although of course I didn't see it at the time). The honesty card and availability card come into play here. (Hers, not mine).
My third LDR was also online, even tho I swore I would never do it again. But, hell, the heart wants what it wants. We're still unfinished business in my opinion. We did meet live after talking for 8 months. We spent 7 days & 6 nights together in another state for my daughter's wedding. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, a few. But we're having difficulties getting over some humps from that visit.
It's been stated in another thread that omission is also a lie. While I believe the premise of that, I have to say; some things are hard to share via text, phone, skype, facetime. Without that human touch, seeing the reaction, it's hard to tell all. Sometimes omission is due to shame, not deceit. There is a very real difference. Yes, you need to trust. However, on line, LDR, the option to just click ignore or not answer a phone or text tilts the tables more than a little bit. In real time, you can approach somebody. Talk to somebody. Touch somebody. LDR does not afford that. Unfortunately, it's so easy to walk away in an online LDR without dealing. Without putting the effort in. Having said that, I do believe one of the greatest advantages to on line is that all you have is communication. You can lay a foundation based on the endless hours of conversation and sharing that you might not do RL. If you are both being honest with each other, this can be a huge advantage and cornerstone to happily ever after.
In the end, it's a very personal experience. What works for us only works for us.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

[agape]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

Long-distance relationships are no longer for me. I've done 2 of them and will never do it again. In one relationship, the butch moved for me and we got into a whirlwind relationship that ended suddenly and badly. For the second one, I moved for hym and it was the single most horrible experience of my life. We descended into a 2.5 year nightmare of abuse and horror. That also ended abruptly and put me in a very dangerous situation.

Is this typical of all LDRs? No, I don't think so. I think it can work. However, my initial attraction to LDRs was because I love and need to be alone more than half of the time. It's not that I don't want to spend time with someone I love, it's just that I need someone who is a lone wolf like me for it to work.

Also, I have a penchant for choosing people who, while brilliant, are usually diabolically insane (not an exaggeration). If someone truly has a serious mental health problem, is abusive, is on drugs, an alcoholic, etc. they can hide it so much easier in an LDR. As the old saying goes, you never really know someone until you live with them.

Because of this, I think LDRs have a stronger element of danger than dating someone who lives close by. When you meet somebody a town over, you can get to know each other slowly. If something doesn't jive, it's no big deal. You return to your respective abodes and lives.

When it's an LDR and someone has already moved and then you realize something isn't working (and it's a BIG something) you're stuck. Yes, of course you can leave but you've already invested your time, your money, your heart, and your expectations on a person you only thought you knew.

From experience I've learned that long-distance relationships when there's more than a few hundred miles involved is largely fantasy. Two people see the best sides of each other through email, phone, and Skype conversations, and the phone sex is amazing. You're always on your best behavior. Everything stays in the honeymoon phase. You get high on it. Then, if the distance is large, you float along on the honeymoon bliss and move in together. Then BAM, reality sets in. Can it work? Yes, I think it can. But it makes it 10 times more difficult even with the sanest, most reasonable of people.

Now if you can see each other regularly and really spend time together to get to know each other, I think it could work. Long-long distance to me is one in a million. I would never do it again. I've discovered with my tendency toward selecting the brilliantly insane and the fact I cannot read people well due to my Asperger's, not only do I need to spend a very long time getting to know someone, I want to expose them to my friends and family as well so they can use their neurotypical brains to help me pick up on danger signs I would otherwise miss.

Again, my opinion. My experience.

I think you are making some very important points here Girl_on_fire! You gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you so much for sharing! (I'm sorry you had to learn all that the hard way though...)

I'm also a loner and need a lot of space and time so I get what that's like...

In your defense, some can be really good at baring masks so that people with "neurotypical brains" don't see the danger signs either... (Actually they might even have more difficulties "seeing" since socializing often requires "not seeing too much" otherwise it can be difficult to maintain relationships... as in getting overloaded with too much information -if you get what I'm trying to say?- it's hard to explain in words...)