Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

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Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.