Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Kobi]

There was an interesting article in the paper today about single women,
over 40, who are feeling the void of simple, consistent companionship in
their personal lives.

These women have had wishlists of qualities, characteristics etc. for a permanent partner
but have found few who measure up to their ideal.
As a result, rather than "settling" for less than the ideal,
these women have been going without.

Now, they are apparently rethinking their wishlists to devise a more practical and viable
(and maybe realistic) list of important things in a partner/companion.

So, I am wondering the following:

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

[Galahad]

"Pleasant, consistant, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship." That was my list.

[pajama]

Originally Posted by Kobi

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

I've never really thought of it as a list. It actually is more a list in my head of the things I know I don't like or I am not compatible with. Some are hard limits because of childhood issues, others are beliefs I have developed over the years that I prefer others to share. I really am open to all kinds of people so I don't have requirements for what I want you TO be, just what I DON'T want to be with.

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

I would say, as i've aged, I have increased my "list" and become much more picky. But I'm very okay with being alone. I would rather be alone than settle or have to change myself into something I really am not. I ended my 5 year marriage to a wonderful lady, because I realized there was more to me than the one type of partner I was to her and that eventually I would grow to begrudge her. We are fabulous friends now. When we broke up part of the conversation went something like this: Her "You're going to regret letting me go." Me "Yes, I'm sure you're right. The question is going to be will I regret it more or less than i would regret not being true to myself."

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

Absolutely! So I don't deviate.

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

I can enjoy the company. I cannot look upon them as a long-term partner. They might be a good friend. Or interim lover. But certain qualities on the "list" are not up for discussion. I always let folks know what those things are too. It may be in subtle discussions, (meaning I don't sit them down specifically and say "Here are the requirements I have of you...", but more like "Oh yeah, I can't stand people that are so-and-so.") but they have all been made aware at some point or another what I choose not to tolerate.

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Honestly, for me, No. I see myself becoming more and more of a recluse as I age. And that's perfectly fine with me.

Now, with all this said. There are always minor things that I am willing to compromise on. Bend or maintain an open mind about. But I learned long ago, I DO NOT want to try to change anyone. If we are not compatible, then I am okay with going our seperate ways. I will not ask you to change to meet my requirements. That never ends up working out well. I learned that years ago. LOL

A

[bigbutchmistie]

At 35 in a couple of weeks I've never been in a long Iterm relationship lasting years. I think its partly due for the most part about my having social anxiety and not getting out and meeting people. But in any event I've noticed over the years my list has changed. It's gone from she must look like this and make z amount of money to will she make me laugh would I feel safe around her can I trust her without reservation. If I lost everything would she still love me and be my.cheerleader. I guess the older I get the.less picky I am. Now I don't expect someone to be anything than I'm not.

There is a huge difference in my list that I looked for in my 20's than what I seek in my mid thirties. But for me I have a basic list now and those are things for me that are not negotiab. So for me settling is not an option.

Yes I get lonely and sometimes ache so bad inside to be with someone. But the RIGHT person for me will only do. Settling is never right for both parties involved. Just my .02

I

[Julie]

This is a no-brainer for me.
I am fickle and a flake.
A list is only as good as the paper it is one... and all paper is disposable.
Serious...
Who honestly makes a list?
Do people really make lists?

My one point on my list would say...
Must be flexible to my whims and my mind changes.
Believe ME when I tell you these little things.

Simple.
My list would say - Must be someone who believes my words as gospel.

Maybe I need a real list - or perhaps, I could help people write their lists.

Thanks Kobi - now I need to think about this (all night long).

[sweetfemme247]

As I get older I have realized that I cant change anyone, and that I should not try to. I have made some mistakes in my past when it comes to dating, at the time I knew what I wanted and then things changed, things in my life happen and my needs had shifted to something else. Right now If I could have the perfect person they would be, supportive in everything I do, always stand up for me even if I am wrong and then of course tell me I was wrong when we are alone so I dont feel like a idiot. Accept the fact that I am not into parties, drinking, smoking or any of that sort of crowd. Respect and communication is my number 1 thing that I must have.

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Great topic Kobi! I'll have to think on the rest of the questions but the answer to this last one is....If there is an age I haven't reached it yet. I'm sure there is an age, but I have no idea what age it is or is close to.

[BullDog]

I am not an ideal, so I don't expect anyone else to be either. I would never want to be with anyone where I thought I was settling for what I didn't want or what she didn't want.

I want to be with someone who is kind and honest. Sure there are some other things, but I don't have a big list that I want to measure someone against and I certainly do not want to try and change anyone from who they are. I would rather be pleasantly surprised. If I do ever get into a relationship again, I want her to be her own person as well as someone whom I share values with and who would be someone I could happily live with and be mutually passionate about each other as well as have our own interests.

I am fine with being single. I have no need to settle because I am fine on my own. I am not changing that unless the right person (not ideal person) comes into my life and we have time to explore the possibilities and potential of being together as a couple.

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by BullDog

I am not an ideal, so I don't expect anyone else to be either. I would never want to be with anyone where I thought I was settling for what I didn't want or what she didn't want.

I want to be with someone who is kind and honest. Sure there are some other things, but I don't have a big list that I want to measure someone against and I certainly do not want to try and change anyone from who they are. I would rather be pleasantly surprised. If I do ever get into a relationship again, I want her to be her own person as well as someone whom I share values with and who would be someone I could happily live with and be mutually passionate about each other as well as have our own interests.

I am fine with being single. I have no need to settle because I am fine on my own. I am not changing that unless the right person (not ideal person) comes into my life and we have time to explore the possibilities and potential of being together as a couple.

Well Said

[Rockinonahigh]

Good Question...To anser this perplexing statement.As I have gotten older I realise that nothing is cut in stone about who I may eventualy be with at some point,once I had a list a mile long wich after a while, I realised most were somethings I didnt like about anyone to date in respect to a long term relationship was bull shit cause nobody could possably measure up to the list.One thing I really needd to do was to fix things I didnt like about myself before I could expect anything form a prospective date.So as I took care of my issues things changed and do change as time goes on,but the core values do not..period! None of us can fit everrything but we can become more intune with ourselves to improve the chanches in meeting our future partner.

[Ms. Tabitha]

Originally Posted by BullDog

I am not an ideal, so I don't expect anyone else to be either. I would never want to be with anyone where I thought I was settling for what I didn't want or what she didn't want.

I want to be with someone who is kind and honest. Sure there are some other things, but I don't have a big list that I want to measure someone against and I certainly do not want to try and change anyone from who they are. I would rather be pleasantly surprised. If I do ever get into a relationship again, I want her to be her own person as well as someone whom I share values with and who would be someone I could happily live with and be mutually passionate about each other as well as have our own interests.

I am fine with being single. I have no need to settle because I am fine on my own. I am not changing that unless the right person (not ideal person) comes into my life and we have time to explore the possibilities and potential of being together as a couple.

I'm not perfect in anyway, so who am I to have a list to compare someone to. I have always set boundaries within myself and when the time came and I met someone I knew a few of the top qualities they had to have were kindness, honesty and faithfulness. I did not want to have a list to compare them with and I also do not want anyone to change who they are. I want to see the real them. I want to see their values, morals and how they treat and respect the people close to them, as well as how they treat and respect themselves. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has those, "not so proud" moments in their lives, its part of being human. Seeing how someone reacts to those "not so proud" moments is important to their character. I have my "me time" moments and I'm happy and very comfortable with that. I do not need someone to validate who I am or define me. Or in my saying, "Be up my arse"
I have been very blessed to have someone who not only has impeccable character, a loving heart and spirit that would not have even been compared to any kind of list that I could have imagined, if I had made one.
Neither one of us believe in settling. We choose to be together, we compliment each other, and most importantly, we respect each other and each others privacy.

[Martina]

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that. i was talking about this this weekend with my Ma'am. i said something about a reason why i chose Her. She laughed and said that She crooked Her little finger and i came running, which is about right.

i was totally NOT planning a D/s relationship again for a LONG time. i remember thinking ungratefully at the time, "The universe is working WAY too hard to make me happy."

i don't know. i find that if one isn't fairly compatable, it won't work anyway. So why waste five years of your life figuring it out. There are wonderful compatable people out there for all of us. They key is being as open to the possibility as you can be or at least to take notice of the possibilities that come your way. i think there are many opportunities to be happy. It's just hard sometimes to choose happiness.

[Silverseastar]

I don't make lists but I DO set intentions. Before I met Red Menace, on a forum I'm a part of, I had ironically stated what I wanted my relationship to feel like.

Stating intentions that are open ended is a healthy thing I think- I want fun, adventurous relationships with good clear communication etc...

Setting out firm wish lists only leads to looking for people with specifics and not for people with the important characteristics they have. I've seen so many folks use lists to basically avoid intimacy and true connection.

[Lynn]

On the one hand, experience in and out of relationships over the years has helped me clarify what qualities I want in a partner. On the other hand, as I myself have become stronger, as an individual, the exact attributes (the "list") have become very flexible.

I don't need someone to make a certain amount of money--I make my own. I don't need someone to have the same religious beliefs or educational level. Who am I to impose that on anyone? I can respect their beliefs and background if they can respect mine. I have a certain appreciation for butch women, so that's still there. What has become most important, as I get older, is that the person with whom I'm spending most of my time be ethical, caring, kind, and have a great sense of humor.

I say I'd rather be alone than compromise, and I say that I'm enough, by myself. But, as I am in a relationship, it's hard for me to say that I am being entirely honest with myself. Were I single, I know for sure that I would be inclined to seek companionship because I love sharing life with someone. I haven't always made the best choices, but I hope I've gotten better. And, should I ever become single again, I hope I can be as self-assured and mature as I'd like.

[DomnNC]

But I have to say after having the best, I'll not settle when I know how it can be with the right person.

[Goofy]

Somewhat jokingly, I told a friend, "she has to be shorter than me."

And she is. Except when she wears certain heels.

[violaine]

[QUOTE=Kobi;331286]

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

i think the above four qualities would pretty much fall under the bells and whistles category in my mind; consistency is a rare bird.

[blush]

I have a list. It has changed as I've changed. I don't consider it settling, but evolving. But one thing is still true for me: If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

[girl_dee]

my list has changed quite a bit.

At one time breathing and needy seemed to be what I gravitated to. I had to save people. After many years of ups and downs I put a list out to the Universe, with the advice to stop settling. And I did. I have met people who have made the list, but what I didn't include was a dealbreaker addendum. There are certain things I can't live with, no matter how hard I try, or how much I love them. Being alone is MUCH better than living with the hard limits being ignored.

I made a new and improved list and viola, here I am! I am with the ones who told me to stop settling years ago! (Thank you Syr and aurora!)

It is true, if you want different results, do things differently. Life is too short not to be happy

[JustJo]

I've never had a list of "must have" qualities, but like sassy I have a short list of deal-breakers...and those haven't changed.

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

I've been single more than I've been coupled in my life...and while I don't rejoice in being alone, I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't scare me. I guess I adhere to the "better an empty house than a bad tenant" philosophy when it comes to relationships.