Trans Invisibility

[PapaC]

Originally Posted by Thinker

Hey PapaC...

I do run into the same situations you are describing.......interacting with a "butch" (my way of IDing them) and sometimes wanting to say, "Hey, I see you and get you." Under some circumstances, I'd probably even say that out loud......just haven't yet.

That's exactly the phrasing I was thinking in my head "I see you". In fact, thanks to this thread, it prompted a memory of mine of the first woman who ever directly outted me to, uh me. She was a swimming instructor I worked with for a year back in 1990. She drove me home from work and during that car right she said "I know your secret. you're a lesbian."... although I was... certainly questioning at the time, and I read her as butch (I say masculine female to be more generic fyi, but yes, I'm with you on the whole iding them as 'butch') , I had no idea that I was uh... that obvious? But, it was an interesting experience, in that while I was nervous/anxious/scared and not quite sure on wordings and all this crap, fact is, until she said it, I was having a million and a half thought processes running in my head. Even so, I paused, and calmly replied: "How did you know?" (welcome to 'gaydar', Chris - jeez - lol)


What feels most right for me is to be completely respectful of these individuals.......not be rude or dismissive in any manner. I know those feelings of isolation. I know the apprehension involved when approaching someone for help or being approached......the looks, the remarks that follow once they got the "full me". I always feel protective when I see masculine females, butches, etc... I don't want to be the next asshole that she (he?) runs into that day.

And I know that "protective" statement above stinks to high heaven of privilege. I get that. I'm just being honest about my feelings.

No, I totally get it. I mean, in this specific case, and let's look at it: s/he's what 18, 19 yrs old, and I'm this big fat burly man with a goatee. Hello, creep factor much? (lol) .. I mean, really. ... do you remember the first time a woman crossed the street to avoid you because she's reading you as male, or the first time a woman's steps are faster on the pavement? I do. I never had that experience even while living/being read as masculine female/butch.

The other thing I want to mention is (and this is where I question if I'm being a hypocrite and/or just wanting my cake)... I wanna be stealth when I wanna be, but otherwise open to those few cases where I wish I can say "I see you" by the sheer way in how I used to look. I'm not talking about (necessarily) in a known queer circle (like parties/reunions/bars, etc). but just that instant 'oh he's queer too - cool' kinda thing.

Oh and another uncomfortable setting? My barber shop. My local barber happens to be a woman (straight), and she'd hired only female employees that I've seen over the years. I've always had barbers wanna have a chat with me and such, but in a small town, they're gossiping about this that, and the other thing, but 3-4 women in this shop, they get to discussing their relationships with men, sometimes watching a soap opera too (for good measure)... Well, having been married to a man a lifetime ago, you know.... I 'get them' too.. but from a female perspective. And there's times where I start to wonder.. oh shit, what if I giggle inappropriately *as a guy* when really, I'm kinda identifying with them as my former female self? and then I think 'oh shit, I shouldn't be laughing, they might read me as odd or something'. lol.

I'm not longing to 'return', and I wonder sometimes if traditionally a therapist might read this and say I'm 'ambivalent' or 'unsure' or 'confused' (I've been told that before and told the guy to go pound sand). I admittedly like shifting between communities/groups of people/world at large. I do want to be read more.... intimately if you will... except when I don't.

thanks for your input, Thinker.