More on where do I fit in? Labels, why do we need them?

[imperfect_cupcake]

What's your label, how did you come up with that label and do you need a label?

well label in terms of my desire and how I position myself in the queer community...

this is a bit difficult.

When I lived in Canada and I dated in canada and the US, it was really useful to have a label because most of my local community did not recognise me as a dyke. So being able to say "yes I am one, I'm a FEMME (type of lesbian that other lesbians could actually recognise the term for, even if they didn't like it or disagreed with it, or misunderstood it, at least I could start that conversation)" was incredibly helpful

However I did not go looking for a label/ID, it found me. I didn't have a context for who I was when I was coming out. I found a web page in 1999 of a girl who was describe a relationship she was having with someone and how sexually different it was to lesbian sex as she understood it. Everything popped into place for me when I read her site.

that's what I was doing. ohhhhhhh....

When I move to London (uk) 9 years ago, everything changed. I was seen. I didn't have fight anymore about being a lesbian. I just was. No one gave a shit. I could be a lesbian without fighting for it, dykes chatted me up in a tube station - first time ever, in a public space, anyone recognised me as a dyke and flirted with me. The lesbian clubs had WADS of femminine girls in little black dresses putting on lipstick in the loo. No one asked me if I was bisexual in a club. If I said I loved dykes, I loved dykes and no one argued with me.

Through time, I had friends who were in what I would have called butch-femme relationships. But they didn't bother. It's not that they didn't recognise they were butch and femme... it's that the labeling of the relationship was considered socially pointless. Since no one wanted to know what you did behind closed doors and it had nothing to do with the conversation at the pub or the dinner you were having, it made it redundant to talk about.

you use a strap on and have a cock sometimes? *shrug* good for you. I'm more interested in the movie you went to see two nights ago, how was that?

the *only* time those terms became important really was when we were looking for a date. And then it became clear that I wasn't self definining my gender presentation but merely my desire of someone else's.

When I moved out of london and into the "countryside", the term butch and femme are just not really used. So I didn't have a word to use for my desire anymore. I had to start having awkward conversations with people to find out
1) if they liked the idea of using a strap on
2) if they sometimes enjoy the thought of maybe sometimes having a dick, as well as a vagina
Before I slept with them so as to not offend them if/when that should happen and to not waste TOO much time "getting to know someone" in a sexy way and finding out it's really a no go.

It's at this point that I understood how useful terms were. I started calling it "women with the requisite parts" so as not to bring in pre-judgement about what a butch was.

I still have exes, that say "ok, under your definition I'm butch. And I love being butch for you. I'll agree to that. But really, I'm not a butch" (the years of thinking a butch is a woman with backwards social skills wearing a polo shirt with the collar up who tells sexist jokes and drinks a lot of lager). Ok whatever. Just be who you are, you know how I see you and you enjoy that one-one relationship to the term with me and lets just leave it at that.

I don't need a label for who I am but I definitely need a label for my desire. So, conversely I need a label for others with a specific desire in order for them to find me. That's all I "need" it for. If I was a lesbian that loved all kinds of women, I could just leave it at that one label - lezzo.

But my desire is more narrow than that. So I need a name for it, or for what I'm looking for in order to have a conversation. it's kind of like going into a a restaurant with no menu and no words for the dishes. You'd have to tell them what ingredients to use, and how it's prepared. If I said "Burger" there's 1,000's of ways a burger is prepared but at least we have a starting point of understanding that I can then say "I like it lamb burger, medium rare, no mint sauce, with salad toppings, and some sharp cheese. whole wheat bun. Ta."

The label is there to start the conversation. Me saying "I'm femme" means a generic few things, but not many. But it gets the ball rolling in the general ball park. Just like being a dyke helps me to tell someone which ball park in town I'm using.

I don't care if people use an ID or not. I'd prefer that they themselves didn't really give too much of a fig about it because if I'm with someone that qualifies eveything as butchthis or femmethat or butchblahblah or femmmewhatsists... it's going to irritate me. I don't gender label my friends or my activities cause I just don't. I'm used to not bothering talking about it much anymore and just being in a state of who I am - femme. and it kind of ending there. Just like I don't sexualise eveything into lezzothis and dykethat.... I'm just a dyke. I'm just a femmedyke that likes women who have vaginas and cocks who like to wear means clothes in stylish and fun ways, who wear eyeliner and have scruffy hair and like to screw my brains out like the girl that I am. And sometimes like me to sexually treat their genitals as if they were female or sometimes male. Or sometimes both at the same time. And it's nice if they like to be kind of protective and gentleman-womanly to me. Cuddle me and tell me I'm safe.

I call that butch. but it doesn't have to be called that. It just makes it easier for me to find them, that's all.