Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

imperfect_cupcake · 01-14-2016, 03:20 AM

Violette, your words resonate best with me.

I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about.

Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs.

I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love.

Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they *do* have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me.
I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game.

I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps.

I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?

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01-14-2016, 03:20 AM	#9
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,710 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Violette, your words resonate best with me. I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about. Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs. I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love. Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they do have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me. I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game. I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps. I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?