Mental Illness

[Andrew, Jr.]

I know...I have been crying alot today.

[lilapache]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I know...I have been crying alot today.

well i just stayed at work a few extra hours so as not to think... well i still think... but at least it don't run away from me.. trying to get this under control again after spiraling so bad... and trying to rebuild myself... its very taxing..

but i have to keep in mind... it's progress... and i know i'm gonna make it...

and thats what you need to keep in mind also... and you know where i am...

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yes. I understand.

[Jedi]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I know...I have been crying alot today.

Andrew,

I would hug you and give you all the support I could. I hope you know this. No matter what you are going through, you have my support.

Jedi

[WheelieStrong]

..i'm awake after two hours sleep and i have reading issues, i', having to write this as an email first so i can see the text in a larger format.

i have what seems like bipolar disorder and i rapid cycle, apparently my moods change "too quickly" for me to be bipolar lol my mood can change extremely at any point between a matter of minutes and a matter of months i guess, thankfully it's normally at least weeks..
Anyway i currently don't have an actual diagnosis but meds fit etc.. and i REALLY should be on anti psychotic meds *curses diabetes for messing that up*

Depressive periods are my biggest issue, crying all the time, sleeping constantly and still being tired i'm sure you all know it.. But this is the time my people (hallucinations) and voices in my head are most likely to bother me, at all other times i find a way to ignore them or cope even if its by avoidance.

in another post somewhere i mentioned a man in my bedroom, i meant to say bathroom, anyway he is the only one that actually bothers me for an actual reason (other than just being there) he's nasty and i think he intends to hurt me, when i'm down i tend not to shower just so i don't have to be around him on my own for that long, care/the wench/the ex won't sit with me, i've asked, she doesn't understand my mental health issues unless she is somehow using them as a weapon against me but that's a different matter. All my other people only really upset me because i know i shouldn't be seeing them, that and they just stand there and stare at me.
i normally realise i have big problem when i'm down and actually shouting at them to either go the ffff away and leave me alone, let me sleep, or ffffing talk to me so at least i won't be so lonely.

When on a high i normally just ignore them or with the man in my bathroom i can tell him where to go if he doesn't like me in there.

Before meds, my highs were fabulous i was highly functional on 2-3hours sleep, i'd blitz my flat at 3 in the morning, the wench would wake up to my over enthusiastic use of bleach lol i'd be bouncing around to music and singing *blush* i was even a lot more physically active, often to the point of causing an injury cause i wouldn't even rest when my arms hurt.. i had ideas and contributed to conversations around me, was interested in anything and everything, i was weirdly focused yet distracted by everything at the same time and everything around me seriously seemed slower. And i was generally good company if a little loud and having people trying to keep up with train of thought etc, i even had a lot more confidence with men.

Since meds, even if i am not on them, and i'm often not.. i get the inability to sleep, i get the compulsive behaviours which i had before, shopping, gambling, over eating, the uncreased sex drive, drinking blah blah blah, but the lack of sleep now actually leaves me to tired to do much more than lay awake, my aggression and paranoia seem to be around not just when i'm down any more, i could go on.

So while i'm on meds i'm a lot more stable, i lose the MAJOR downs YaY, don't really get high, cope a lot better with my people, but i really do think the price can be too high, i don't laugh, i don't fight for anything, i just let people walk all over me and often actually say thank you and i'm actually more likely to self harm while on meds.
And i am still left with really scarey and obsessional thoughts

i am really thankful for the stability meds give me, i often keep them as a security blanket even if i don't take them i know i have the option..
But i really do wish i could take them without having lost all the good things

and i can't find the text colour i nomally use!

[Andrew, Jr.]

I can't stand it when people belittle me for taking meds for my depression and anxiety. I just think about those folks, and what makes them tick. And if they really understand my situation or are just ignoring my past or if they are only children who always got whatever it was they wanted, needed, or desired.

Andrew

[WheelieStrong]

Andrew you really seem sweet..
You definately do whatever works for you!!! FFFF everyone else!

[lilapache]

ok... i've been rapid cycling for almost a week now... what gives... any suggestions on relief... still waiting on med changes...

[WheelieStrong]

Originally Posted by lilapache

ok... i've been rapid cycling for almost a week now... what gives... any suggestions on relief... still waiting on med changes...

unfortunately i have no idea or i would do it myself hon, but definately cut out caffine and other stimulants

[Jedi]

Originally Posted by lilapache

ok... i've been rapid cycling for almost a week now... what gives... any suggestions on relief... still waiting on med changes...

lilapache....have you ever tried to snap yourself out? Like......shock yourself out?.....something of that nature....I don't know how to describe it other than shock yourself. That works for me. It's unsettling but it works as a distraction.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I can't stand it when people belittle me for taking meds for my depression and anxiety. I just think about those folks, and what makes them tick. And if they really understand my situation or are just ignoring my past or if they are only children who always got whatever it was they wanted, needed, or desired.

Andrew

no one is immune of mental illness regardless of their childhood. Do what you need to do for yourself because ultimately its your journey and the people that advocate a holistic approach because they are FED UP over the pharmaceutical and FUCK UP medical field, well have their journey too. I'm the ladder.

I was talking to a friend today for a long time who suffers from a serious mental illness. I was explaining about a period I went through where i was deeply depressed and even suicidal. It scared me how I could slip into that space and although no one that knew me would believe it, I damn sure did. Anyhow, I came out of it after a few years naturally and with a lot of work. But the point is that when I described my current emotions, needing more time for myself, free my spirit, etc. Hy said to me, "So what are you going to do about it?"

These are power words. I climbed on my lawn tractor, mowing and deep thinking about those words and the effect they had on me. My personal conclusion is that want something different then I've got to do something different. Even with all the information I have on health, nutrition and holistic healing I still struggle. Why? well I am my own worse enemy and my healing is a daily process of action, meditation and learning not to beat myself up. What I do know is this... when I work really hard at what I eat, drink, sleep, etc. every fiber of my being starts to feel better. This is a fact.

You have probably read all this shit before but I did some research:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...1216130718.htm

and what I believe

http://www.foodforthebrain.org/conte...d_Content=1638

I knew a guy that was serious bipolar and depression. He was on meds and yet he consumed vast amounts of sugar and had the worse diet. No omegas and also did things that promoted more mental illness. It was just crazy. It's like one of those little wind up toys against a brick wall. It moves because that's the program but its going no where.

It's like seeing someone that has type 2 diabetes taking insulin but still drinks a six pack of soda a day, eats chips and way too many carbs. Someone can give them the information and even show them examples of what happens to people- dying early, aging, amputation, blindness, etc. but for some reason it just doesn't click or stay constant. We all suffer from this but "What are we going to do about it?"

My mom lives next to this woman that is younger then I am and in a wheelchair suffering from bipolar, diabetes and auto-immune disease. She takes so many fucking pills and every week she's at the doctor getting checked and more pills. She eats a quart of ice cream a day. I have never had a conversation with her where she didn't use her illnesses as a the highlight of the conversation. So what is she going to do about? Probably nothing.

I am convinced that had it not been for my stubborn spirit I would have sunk into hell. In 52 years I never cried more then I did those 2 years. It's was one step at a time and sometimes I slipped backwards but I just had to keep taking them a little at a time. Drugs is not an option for me. Doctors are not an option for me. My way works for me and its working well.

The advice I gave my sweet little friend was not to stop taking meds, even though they make hy feel bad and the side effects are awful, will shorten his life, BUT to start making small changes. Take some fish oil caps, cut back on sugar, get outside, play a bit, laugh and look for reasons to want you life to be better.

You're an amazing humane being. Get to the core of that and do what I plan on doing every single day from this day forward- ask yourself when you dont feel good, when you ache, hurt, sad, mad, challenged "What are you going to do about it?" Then really think about it.

Love