Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

31% of both men and women agree that 15 minutes of a date is all it takes to decide.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I can make that decision in less than 2 minutes.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Superficial? Nah.

Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone.

Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather

• • 55% is through body language
• • 38% is the tone and speed of their voice
• • Only 7% is through what they say

Although I'm not femme and I don't date anymore, I found this interesting cause it seems to work opposite for me. It's not that I don't know in 90 seconds to 4 minutes if I fancy someone, it is that I learned over time that the person I initially fancy in 2 to 4 minutes is not likely to be the person I end up interested in.

I mean if there is zero or less than zero chemistry, then that is not likely to change over time, but as for anything other than a complete no go, I never knew for sure. Apparently what I was attracted to wasn't really what I was looking for.

Imagine my surprise.

Again and again.

Until I figured out that quirk I have.

Thank goodness all that is over. I haven't had to be puzzled by my lack of interest in what initially attracts me in over 13 years.

The good news for me is that I knew my wife for a year before I ever met her and we were not in a long distance relationship, we were not dating, we were just friends. But knowing her for that length of time made the initial attraction I felt when I met her to be something I could trust because it was also combined with the things I already knew and liked about her.

Anyway, sorry for the compulsion to add my 2 cents but those posts spoke to me and made me think about how weird this dating thing worked for me.

[kittygrrl]

scientific evidence to suggest it boils down to smell..i think initially that makes a lot of sense although in the long run not so much..chemistry definitely makes it interesting in the beginning, but it's not enough to bring truly synergy..to keep you together through the years..it's friendship, it's sacrifice, it's shared values and humor..and so many things you lose count...but they all count.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

scientific evidence to suggest it boils down to smell..i think initially that makes a lot of sense although in the long run not so much..chemistry definitely makes it interesting in the beginning, but it's not enough to bring truly synergy..to keep you together through the years..it's friendship, it's sacrifice, it's shared values and humor..and so many things you lose count...but they all count.

Word.

I don't care how good you smell or how sexy you are. If you can't hold a conversation with me, sometimes even using big words and abstract concepts, then any initial attraction goes down the drain real fast. I like handsome faces and bodies, but if your brain isn't working on all cylinders, that's a big no from me.

Obviously, as I've grown older and wiser, different things tick off different boxes for me. Now, it's less about the butch, FTM or TG version of the Mustang with a Hemi motor and more about the fun but reliable SUV version of a butch, TG or FTM guy.

Sometimes a girl likes to take her time getting to where she's going and likes to know that she'll get there in one piece and without a stopover in jail.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Word.

I don't care how good you smell or how sexy you are. If you can't hold a conversation with me, sometimes even using big words and abstract concepts, then any initial attraction goes down the drain real fast. I like handsome faces and bodies, but if your brain isn't working on all cylinders, that's a big no from me.

Obviously, as I've grown older and wiser, different things tick off different boxes for me. Now, it's less about the butch, FTM or TG version of the Mustang with a Hemi motor and more about the fun but reliable SUV version of a butch, TG or FTM guy.

Sometimes a girl likes to take her time getting to where she's going and likes to know that she'll get there in one piece and without a stopover in jail.

Well I don't disagree with this..older>>wiser..but didn't you say it takes you (up to)2 minutes ? It just depends, I think(for me) I can't argue with your experience Gemme!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

Well I don't disagree with this..older>>wiser..but didn't you say it takes you (up to)2 minutes ? It just depends, I think(for me) I can't argue with your experience Gemme!

I still stand by the fact that I know who and what attract me very quickly. It has been nearly instantaneous in a lot of cases throughout my life.

What I'm saying is that what flips that particular switch for me has changed over the years and that there are cases in which that attraction switch flipped the other way the second someone opened their mouth and revealed various ignorance/prejudice/dumbfoundery.



I've always required some sort of tangible intelligence in my partners but as time has gone on, my tolerance for those who don't meet that level has diminished greatly as well as my ability to justify someone being 'almost there' because they were hot and nice to look at.

Looks fade. Pretty fades. Handsome fades. Hot fades.

If there's nothing underneath all of that hotness, there's nothing left.

I demand more than nothing. I deserve more than nothing because I am something and I require someone else's something to match and/or complement my own something.

Does that help clear things up?

[clay]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I still stand by the fact that I know who and what attract me very quickly. It has been nearly instantaneous in a lot of cases throughout my life.

What I'm saying is that what flips that particular switch for me has changed over the years and that there are cases in which that attraction switch flipped the other way the second someone opened their mouth and revealed various ignorance/prejudice/dumbfoundery.



I've always required some sort of tangible intelligence in my partners but as time has gone on, my tolerance for those who don't meet that level has diminished greatly as well as my ability to justify someone being 'almost there' because they were hot and nice to look at.

Looks fade. Pretty fades. Handsome fades. Hot fades.

If there's nothing underneath all of that hotness, there's nothing left.

I demand more than nothing. I deserve more than nothing because I am something and I require someone else's something to match and/or complement my own something.

Does that help clear things up?

This is exactly how I think/feel, too!

Being humans, we do have emotions on every level, and initially, we usually do feel great at first meeting. Then down the road, when life is in reality terms, we sometimes find that that person really has nothing under that shiny exterior to hold our interest. Thus it becomes boring...and is difficult at best to maintain a relationship.

I want someone who can converse, who has interests that only grow deeper, feelings that intensify over zest for life, make new discoveries, and find we would actually have some deep down quality attractions that aren't fleeting once those hormones quell.

I totally agree with Gemme on deserving more, having more, and not settling for less.

I won't settle for less than I deserve either!!! I will not give anything less than she deserves either!

I am in with the group of I know immediately within 3 or 4 minutes if I have some deeper connection other than the physical. I look deeper...for to me, it is her mind, her heart, & her soul I fall in love with.....how she carries herself within the world...is she kind to those less fortunate, is she loving of animals & elderly, does she emit that gentle, loving energy outward upon the world. Is she steadfast & grounded....yet having an inner child that she can & does freely let out...anyway......clay...shut up....

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm not really a physical link person. I'm a sapiophile, really and truly.
My attraction is based on humour, banter, and someone "getting" me. That's what flips my chenistry switch. Unfortunately, that can take a few meets with people. So I can't be instantly attracted. I can think someone is hot, physically, but that's about it. And that's not exactly something that sticks around for me. As soon as someone starts talking, they either get more and more attractive over time because I am starting to get revved up.by their intelligence and type of humour, their ability to relax around me, to be informal and cheeky, and see me as a person first, rather than my gender first. Then they *get* supah hot. If they act really formal and polite, talk about nothing I can relate to, view me a femme borg and thus *must* be treated X (don't swear around them, be on best behaviour, potential romantic endeavour only, etc), is more cautious than witty, I'm not going to get turned on. No matter how they look. But it can take up to 3-4 meet ups to figure that out, for me.

But I'm a "p" type that reserves judgement for insane amounts of time.
Many people that I meet that I can't stand initially because I find them abrasive, high maintenance, and self serving, and if I *have* to get to know them (colleague, patient, social situation where I am locked into something for a few days) I find that with some one-on-one time, I discover I actually really enjoy some great qualities about them and I actually like their company.

People I used to have immediate hot chemistry with have pretty much always turned out to be active addicts or heavy drinkers a month down the road. So I am *extremely* wary of that heavy, instant sizzle for some "mysterious" "soul connection" reason. That reason is 99% of the time the co-dependant-addict attraction chenistry.

So I just no longer trust it or go there. In fact, I find that chemistry kind of scary now.

[cassiopeia67]

I just asked to be treated with the same kindness, respect and warmth that I will extend to you.

[kittygrrl]

like a fine piece of Irish Waterford crystal

[Shystonefem]

For me, it aren't any rules set in stone. I do, however, know within 10 minutes or so.

I have met hot Butches and have been initially attracted, chemistry and all, yet that chemistry fades after I realize the lights are on but nobody is home.

The opposite has also happened. If the chemistry is off the charts, sometimes intelligence takes a back seat. Those relationships don't succeed, and I know that now, but damn.

My perfect scenario, an intelligent, stone butch that I share crazy chemistry with. It has to be there for me. While I love good conversation, I can't do it without chemistry. It's just who I am.

My son tells me that I am wayyy to picky, I'm not. I just know what I want and need in order to put the work in.

[introverted1]

Polite behavior, opening the door for me, etc...those things will make me weak in the knees if we have chemistry.

[Arden]

Its been a while, heck a long while since I did any "dating".....I've been thinking more about it recently and hmmm - I want to feel, while on the date, that I matter enough to you or at least am interesting enough for you to not answer your cell phone or text your buds unless its an emergency. I'm a Mom and completely understand sometimes you gotta answer.

Talk to me, ask me questions, show me you want to know who I am rather than see how long it will take you to get me into bed. Be sweet, respectful and kind but real cause I'm gonna be able to tell if you are faking it. Show me you're a thinker in how you respond to my questions or the topics you bring up. I also don't object to a show of chivalry but I won't expect it either so don't be offended if I am not waiting on you to open my door (I'm used to do things for myself so if I drop back and allow you do it, if I sense you want to, for me consider that a show of respect from me.)

Have a plan for the night...and the ability to flex it if things go awry. (It also helps if you give me some idea of the type of wardrobe needed, so I can dress for the occasion though I too can make it work)

And if its the first time we're going out: Find a way to be at least a little comfortable around me, I understand feeling nervous cause heck I likely will be and you can help put me at ease if you smile, laugh and breathe. I'll try to do the same...

cause maybe then we'll make it a second date

[ClintB]

I always keep first dates simple, low cost, low key, noncommittal. I do this for both of our sake. First, let me rephrase that this "date" is rarely classified as such... usually it's just me asking them if they want to grab a coffee or drink with no title. I think it works for a long of reasons.... first, everyone is on neutral, public ground and feels safe. The date can't be easily extended if it's going well, but kept short if it's a no go. In a world that places expectations of sex as a reward for chivalry, it brings it down to a level of "just two people having coffee." Many women are uncomfortable with not being able to pay th or own way (see above) and it lets me gage how she feels... if she doesn't want me buying her coffee... she probably doesn't want me paying for meals and tickets to shows either. i respect her boundaries on this.

Im not big on traditional chivalry... I do think it sets up an unhealthy power dynamic. Maybe better to roll out once we have a connection and both feel on equal footing.


Other than that, I am more of practical, rough and tumble person. I've learn d to play that up rather than down... this means I end up with rough and tumble girls . I do a lot of picnic packing, drives into the mountain, lakes, beach. Bonfires. I love a good restaurant every now and then, but I prefer having adventures with her, making memories. These thing are rarely free, but often not expensive.

Where I throw that all in the fire is gifts though lol. I'm a sucker for seeing something she may want and wanting to surprise her with it. I try not to let it go to far and I keep it small at first. I don't want her to feel like she is being bought. But as the relationship gets long term, then I like to buy nice things just because.