Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Please don't date me. Let's just go hang out - no rules, no formal behaviours, no formulas to follow. Just hang out as friends and enjoy each other.
After we hang out for a while, we might wind up in bed together at some point.
If we do that again, and it's agreed it's fabulous for us both, *then* we can go on dates.
This is how I grew up dating in the straight world and with non North american Butch-femme queers.
This is what I feel most comfortable doing.

Thanks for asking!

One of these days I am moving to Canada.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I can make that decision in less than 2 minutes.

Gemme, I never knew you were so superficial!

Is that just deciding a "no" or can you also decide a "yes" to dating the person in two minutes?

I need probably 5 minutes for a no (in some cases), but more time to determine if it is a yes (to dating).

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Annnnd... It takes me a month.

<<< Hence the status.

Yeah, you're even slower than me...when it comes to the "maybes". The "maybes" always trip me up. As I've gotten older I have put more newly met people into "maybes" because I thought maybe (ha) I was judging people (as a non-match), too quickly.

I am feeling retired too when it comes to relationships. At least at the moment and the foreseeable future.

[Angeltoes]

I like museums, plays, picnics, etc. It might be fun to go apple picking or to a pumpkin patch. Chivalry is nice to a point as long as we keep it real. Mostly I enjoy spending time with someone who makes me laugh and has something interesting to say. If they have that much going on, then it doesn’t really matter where we go.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

One of these days I am moving to Canada.

Gemme, I never knew you were so superficial!

Is that just deciding a "no" or can you also decide a "yes" to dating the person in two minutes?

I need probably 5 minutes for a no (in some cases), but more time to determine if it is a yes (to dating).

Superficial? Nah.

“It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.”

― Kahlil Gibran

But, seriously.....

Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone.

Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather

• • 55% is through body language
• • 38% is the tone and speed of their voice
• • Only 7% is through what they say

[C0LLETTE]

[imperfect_cupcake]

It takes me several times of hanging out to make up my mind. I often don't feel any chemistry for a the first few times. I'm a slow "feeler". If you ask me how I feel about something it make take me a few days to get back to you.

So the whole " one meet up date for two hours" make a yes or no decision... Doesn't work for me. Unless it's a huge no. I usually just feel "um. Maybe? Can't tell. Gotta hang out at least a few more times and have several more conversations. And if thats ok, its still I-dont-know till we've had sex a few times. Then I'll know."

It takes me a hella long time to judge something.

Those psychologist haven't spent time in my head. It really does take me a long time.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

It takes me several times of hanging out to make up my mind. I often don't feel any chemistry for a the first few times. I'm a slow "feeler". If you ask me how I feel about something it make take me a few days to get back to you.

So the whole " one meet up date for two hours" make a yes or no decision... Doesn't work for me. Unless it's a huge no. I usually just feel "um. Maybe? Can't tell. Gotta hang out at least a few more times and have several more conversations. And if thats ok, its still I-dont-know till we've had sex a few times. Then I'll know."

It takes me a hella long time to judge something.

Those psychologist haven't spent time in my head. It really does take me a long time.

You are one of my favorite anomalies.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

It takes me several times of hanging out to make up my mind. I often don't feel any chemistry for a the first few times. I'm a slow "feeler". If you ask me how I feel about something it make take me a few days to get back to you.

So the whole " one meet up date for two hours" make a yes or no decision... Doesn't work for me. Unless it's a huge no. I usually just feel "um. Maybe? Can't tell. Gotta hang out at least a few more times and have several more conversations. And if thats ok, its still I-dont-know till we've had sex a few times. Then I'll know."

It takes me a hella long time to judge something.

Those psychologist haven't spent time in my head. It really does take me a long time.

[catlady]

I would like to be taken to some place romantic and quiet--crowds don't do for me. Parks, nature areas, and walks are satisfying enough. Just any place where her attention can be fully focused on me. Even cooking a meal at her place and inviting me over would make a lovely date.

Compliments and flirty comments would be nice too. Telling me how pretty or sexy I am would make me really happy. And I would also like a lot of affectionate touching where she shows me her gentlewomanly side.

[Shystonefem]

I am really laid back. I don't care where we go. We could go to the beach, for a walk or the fanciest restaurant ever. ... wherever.

I know immediately .... like Cricket said to me, I am still looking for chemistry as a hige part of the package. And I can't (and wont) fake that.

I don't think I superficial, I just know what I like.

[Amulette]

Respectful curiosity -----> engage -----> go deeper -----> find out what's there!!!

*note to user* -----> demonstrates action taken.

[Nattih]

- Treating me as if you like me is my big thing. I dislike feeling like the date is some kind of test with a professor that I am supposed to "pass" or as if I am a shoe you are trying on to see how you like the fit. This is why I always tell people, if you are not sure about liking me, let's just skip the date and be friends.

- I prefer to be embraced, both physically and emotionally. I feel awkward when there is no touching aside from a handshake. I understand that it takes some people a while to warm up to a hug, so I will be understanding.

- I promise to be entertaining if you promise to keep the phone to a minimum. I allow a certain amount of phone fondling before I assume you are not interested in my company and I grab my purse to go.

- Be honest with me about what you are looking for, what you came on the date with me for. Don't sell me some dream, or give me some canned line.

- Take me wherever you can afford, but it has to be the right "date night" atmosphere.

- I will always be well groomed for dates, but I am not the type to notice your haircut, car, fashion right off the bat. Someone wore basketball shorts on a date with me and we were running our mouths and laughing all night so I didn't notice til later. But appropriate dress is always prefered.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I dunno, I ve learned that snap judgements about chemistry for me can be all kinds of wrong. When I sat down across from My ex T, the first thing I thought in my head was "no" and that was the instant chemistry decision.

Boy was I ever wrong. Over the following month of hanging out and flirting and then sleeping together, she came to become the person I have to date, the strongest ever chemistry with. I'm rarely a physical look type person. But there were times I could not stop staring at her naked body in utter wonder. That had never happened to me before. Oh, I've thought people were hot and sexy, but never been unable to stop staring at them in drop down eye full lust that hurt to look away.

Because for me, people get hotter and hotter as I get to know them. Physically. I physically find them more attractive as I get to know them. They somehow change in perception. The more I trust someone, the funnier I think they are, the more I see them as independent and able... The hotter they look. Sex will start dripping off them.

However, the more pushy they get, the more whiney, the more demanding, the more insecure about their abilities, the more jealous (possessive is different. Possessive I can deal with), moody, conservative, and sexist... The less physically attractive they become.

One Butch I found very attractive because she seemed so together, reliable, kinky, and she played a ton of contact sports so she was quite tank like in her build... Drank too much and called me (massive red flag number one... Putting the brakes full on) told me while drunk on the phone that she wanted me to take care of her, that she wanted a sexy, kinky girly girl to look after her, cook for her, be her nurse.

*jams into reverse and floors it in backwards direction* she became extremely unattractive, physically, the next time I saw her. I couldn't control that from happening. My skin crawled when she tried to grab my hand.

Some people want me to want them NOW, the first two minutes I ever see them. Never going to happen. But if it gets to the place where I am saying that I want to be their girl? You can bet that I that point I sincerely believe and truly think that there is no one on the face of the planet that is hotter, more sexy, more fuckalicious than they are. And the chemistry will be off the scales for me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I am beginning to see that those who require "knowing" right away because they do, will find those of us that need to have time with you to know how we feel too slow. And will assume we don't like them. Because we aren't giving signals that we know. Because we don't. It's not personal. We don't know with *anyone* - we can't make snap calls of how we feel about someone we don't know.

It's like someone asking me "do you like my moms vegetable soup?"
And me saying "well I don't know. All I've been able to do is look at it in the bowl, I haven't tried a bowl yet."
"Then you don't like the soup!!!" And they take the soup and leave.
How about letting me slowly savour a bowl, not asking me every two spoonfuls, and being ok with that? Is that possible?

It seems odd to my brain to not allow me to experience something before demanding an answer of if I enjoy the experience or not. I don't expect people to know if they like me or not till we've spend some time together.

This is why some people really frustrate me and hurt my feelings - they are all over being that they like me five minutes after meeting me, then a month later, right when I'm starting to warm up and trust a little and feeling good about this and mebbe sexy times... And they change their mind. They don't. They were mistaken.

That hurts. I'd prefer that they reserved opinion before hand. That hurts less to have someone say "this isn't really my thing" when they never said it was in the first place. Than to have someone be very enthusiastic then change tracks. Makes me trust people even less, makes me even slower to make up my mind. Because I'll want to see if the wind changes first, before I invest.

Am I the only one who does this?

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I am beginning to see that those who require "knowing" right away because they do, will find those of us that need to have time with you to know how we feel too slow. And will assume we don't like them. Because we aren't giving signals that we know. Because we don't. It's not personal. We don't know with *anyone* - we can't make snap calls of how we feel about someone we don't know.

It's like someone asking me "do you like my moms vegetable soup?"
And me saying "well I don't know. All I've been able to do is look at it in the bowl, I haven't tried a bowl yet."
"Then you don't like the soup!!!" And they take the soup and leave.
How about letting me slowly savour a bowl, not asking me every two spoonfuls, and being ok with that? Is that possible?

It seems odd to my brain to not allow me to experience something before demanding an answer of if I enjoy the experience or not. I don't expect people to know if they like me or not till we've spend some time together.

This is why some people really frustrate me and hurt my feelings - they are all over being that they like me five minutes after meeting me, then a month later, right when I'm starting to warm up and trust a little and feeling good about this and mebbe sexy times... And they change their mind. They don't. They were mistaken.

That hurts. I'd prefer that they reserved opinion before hand. That hurts less to have someone say "this isn't really my thing" when they never said it was in the first place. Than to have someone be very enthusiastic then change tracks. Makes me trust people even less, makes me even slower to make up my mind. Because I'll want to see if the wind changes first, before I invest.

Am I the only one who does this?

I just came across your post today, but wanted to say that there's probably a strong chance that there's lots of people like you who need time to decide on x, y or z situations. I'm that type of person who needs lots of space, room to decide, and not be pushed into anything. Because if people get pushy with me? Or demanding? Or controlling and/or manipulative?

It's over. I'm done. And that's not to say that I'm a concrete type of thinker, because I'm not.

I hope life has been kind to you and that life, since earning your health license, has opened up a whole new world to you.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thank you!

I'm learning. I'm finding if I date differently I have fewer problems this way.

I no longer date people who smoke pot every day (hard in Vancouver!)
I no longer date binge drinkers
I no longer date people recently single as they find it too difficult to slow down, mostly.
I no longer date repeating serial monogamist daters (from intense monogamous short term relationship to the next. They really, really want to be in a relationship and figure it out on the fly, rather than be single).
I no longer date people who have mental health issues that have not been addressed and under treatment for less than five years.
I no longer date people who have addiction/drink issues that have not been sober for less than five years.


That generally has removed most of the people who rush or pressure me.
I'm also very up front that I won't a) move cities b) move in with them. Ever.

I'm also just not fond of "new relationship energy." In fact, I hate it. And I'd much rather skip to the part where we are comfortable and less interested in impressing each other. That doesn't come without trust though. So I have to grit my teeth through the bit I loathe... And come across as anti-romantic curmudgeon (unless they have a great sense of irreverent and dark humour, enjoy playful sarcasm and then it's not painful at all, it's fun).

Haven't had any luck. But I'm not trying that hard. Have just assumed I'll be single and have been pretty good with it. I'm hoping for someone who wants and will be happy with a lovely *relaxed* date night once a week between connected and playful individuals. Rather than a live in partner who will look after them and keep their house nice.

Lol I'll let you know when hell freezes over.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

31% of both men and women agree that 15 minutes of a date is all it takes to decide.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I can make that decision in less than 2 minutes.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Superficial? Nah.

Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone.

Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather

• • 55% is through body language
• • 38% is the tone and speed of their voice
• • Only 7% is through what they say

Although I'm not femme and I don't date anymore, I found this interesting cause it seems to work opposite for me. It's not that I don't know in 90 seconds to 4 minutes if I fancy someone, it is that I learned over time that the person I initially fancy in 2 to 4 minutes is not likely to be the person I end up interested in.

I mean if there is zero or less than zero chemistry, then that is not likely to change over time, but as for anything other than a complete no go, I never knew for sure. Apparently what I was attracted to wasn't really what I was looking for.

Imagine my surprise.

Again and again.

Until I figured out that quirk I have.

Thank goodness all that is over. I haven't had to be puzzled by my lack of interest in what initially attracts me in over 13 years.

The good news for me is that I knew my wife for a year before I ever met her and we were not in a long distance relationship, we were not dating, we were just friends. But knowing her for that length of time made the initial attraction I felt when I met her to be something I could trust because it was also combined with the things I already knew and liked about her.

Anyway, sorry for the compulsion to add my 2 cents but those posts spoke to me and made me think about how weird this dating thing worked for me.

[kittygrrl]

scientific evidence to suggest it boils down to smell..i think initially that makes a lot of sense although in the long run not so much..chemistry definitely makes it interesting in the beginning, but it's not enough to bring truly synergy..to keep you together through the years..it's friendship, it's sacrifice, it's shared values and humor..and so many things you lose count...but they all count.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

scientific evidence to suggest it boils down to smell..i think initially that makes a lot of sense although in the long run not so much..chemistry definitely makes it interesting in the beginning, but it's not enough to bring truly synergy..to keep you together through the years..it's friendship, it's sacrifice, it's shared values and humor..and so many things you lose count...but they all count.

Word.

I don't care how good you smell or how sexy you are. If you can't hold a conversation with me, sometimes even using big words and abstract concepts, then any initial attraction goes down the drain real fast. I like handsome faces and bodies, but if your brain isn't working on all cylinders, that's a big no from me.

Obviously, as I've grown older and wiser, different things tick off different boxes for me. Now, it's less about the butch, FTM or TG version of the Mustang with a Hemi motor and more about the fun but reliable SUV version of a butch, TG or FTM guy.

Sometimes a girl likes to take her time getting to where she's going and likes to know that she'll get there in one piece and without a stopover in jail.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Word.

I don't care how good you smell or how sexy you are. If you can't hold a conversation with me, sometimes even using big words and abstract concepts, then any initial attraction goes down the drain real fast. I like handsome faces and bodies, but if your brain isn't working on all cylinders, that's a big no from me.

Obviously, as I've grown older and wiser, different things tick off different boxes for me. Now, it's less about the butch, FTM or TG version of the Mustang with a Hemi motor and more about the fun but reliable SUV version of a butch, TG or FTM guy.

Sometimes a girl likes to take her time getting to where she's going and likes to know that she'll get there in one piece and without a stopover in jail.

Well I don't disagree with this..older>>wiser..but didn't you say it takes you (up to)2 minutes ? It just depends, I think(for me) I can't argue with your experience Gemme!