Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

imperfect_cupcake · 12-23-2015, 04:04 AM

I am beginning to see that those who require "knowing" right away because they do, will find those of us that need to have time with you to know how we feel too slow. And will assume we don't like them. Because we aren't giving signals that we know. Because we don't. It's not personal. We don't know with *anyone* - we can't make snap calls of how we feel about someone we don't know.

It's like someone asking me "do you like my moms vegetable soup?"
And me saying "well I don't know. All I've been able to do is look at it in the bowl, I haven't tried a bowl yet."
"Then you don't like the soup!!!" And they take the soup and leave.
How about letting me slowly savour a bowl, not asking me every two spoonfuls, and being ok with that? Is that possible?

It seems odd to my brain to not allow me to experience something before demanding an answer of if I enjoy the experience or not. I don't expect people to know if they like me or not till we've spend some time together.

This is why some people really frustrate me and hurt my feelings - they are all over being that they like me five minutes after meeting me, then a month later, right when I'm starting to warm up and trust a little and feeling good about this and mebbe sexy times... And they change their mind. They don't. They were mistaken.

That hurts. I'd prefer that they reserved opinion before hand. That hurts less to have someone say "this isn't really my thing" when they never said it was in the first place. Than to have someone be very enthusiastic then change tracks. Makes me trust people even less, makes me even slower to make up my mind. Because I'll want to see if the wind changes first, before I invest.

Am I the only one who does this?

Kätzchen · 09-08-2016, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I am beginning to see that those who require "knowing" right away because they do, will find those of us that need to have time with you to know how we feel too slow. And will assume we don't like them. Because we aren't giving signals that we know. Because we don't. It's not personal. We don't know with *anyone* - we can't make snap calls of how we feel about someone we don't know.

It's like someone asking me "do you like my moms vegetable soup?"
And me saying "well I don't know. All I've been able to do is look at it in the bowl, I haven't tried a bowl yet."
"Then you don't like the soup!!!" And they take the soup and leave.
How about letting me slowly savour a bowl, not asking me every two spoonfuls, and being ok with that? Is that possible?

It seems odd to my brain to not allow me to experience something before demanding an answer of if I enjoy the experience or not. I don't expect people to know if they like me or not till we've spend some time together.

This is why some people really frustrate me and hurt my feelings - they are all over being that they like me five minutes after meeting me, then a month later, right when I'm starting to warm up and trust a little and feeling good about this and mebbe sexy times... And they change their mind. They don't. They were mistaken.

That hurts. I'd prefer that they reserved opinion before hand. That hurts less to have someone say "this isn't really my thing" when they never said it was in the first place. Than to have someone be very enthusiastic then change tracks. Makes me trust people even less, makes me even slower to make up my mind. Because I'll want to see if the wind changes first, before I invest.

Am I the only one who does this?

I just came across your post today, but wanted to say that there's probably a strong chance that there's lots of people like you who need time to decide on x, y or z situations. I'm that type of person who needs lots of space, room to decide, and not be pushed into anything. Because if people get pushy with me? Or demanding? Or controlling and/or manipulative?

It's over. I'm done. And that's not to say that I'm a concrete type of thinker, because I'm not.

I hope life has been kind to you and that life, since earning your health license, has opened up a whole new world to you.

imperfect_cupcake · 09-10-2016, 12:38 PM

Thank you!

I'm learning. I'm finding if I date differently I have fewer problems this way.

I no longer date people who smoke pot every day (hard in Vancouver!)
I no longer date binge drinkers
I no longer date people recently single as they find it too difficult to slow down, mostly.
I no longer date repeating serial monogamist daters (from intense monogamous short term relationship to the next. They really, really want to be in a relationship and figure it out on the fly, rather than be single).
I no longer date people who have mental health issues that have not been addressed and under treatment for less than five years.
I no longer date people who have addiction/drink issues that have not been sober for less than five years.

That generally has removed most of the people who rush or pressure me.
I'm also very up front that I won't a) move cities b) move in with them. Ever.

I'm also just not fond of "new relationship energy." In fact, I hate it. And I'd much rather skip to the part where we are comfortable and less interested in impressing each other. That doesn't come without trust though. So I have to grit my teeth through the bit I loathe... And come across as anti-romantic curmudgeon (unless they have a great sense of irreverent and dark humour, enjoy playful sarcasm and then it's not painful at all, it's fun).

Haven't had any luck. But I'm not trying that hard. Have just assumed I'll be single and have been pretty good with it. I'm hoping for someone who wants and will be happy with a lovely *relaxed* date night once a week between connected and playful individuals. Rather than a live in partner who will look after them and keep their house nice.

Lol I'll let you know when hell freezes over.

12-23-2015, 04:04 AM	#1
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I am beginning to see that those who require "knowing" right away because they do, will find those of us that need to have time with you to know how we feel too slow. And will assume we don't like them. Because we aren't giving signals that we know. Because we don't. It's not personal. We don't know with anyone - we can't make snap calls of how we feel about someone we don't know. It's like someone asking me "do you like my moms vegetable soup?" And me saying "well I don't know. All I've been able to do is look at it in the bowl, I haven't tried a bowl yet." "Then you don't like the soup!!!" And they take the soup and leave. How about letting me slowly savour a bowl, not asking me every two spoonfuls, and being ok with that? Is that possible? It seems odd to my brain to not allow me to experience something before demanding an answer of if I enjoy the experience or not. I don't expect people to know if they like me or not till we've spend some time together. This is why some people really frustrate me and hurt my feelings - they are all over being that they like me five minutes after meeting me, then a month later, right when I'm starting to warm up and trust a little and feeling good about this and mebbe sexy times... And they change their mind. They don't. They were mistaken. That hurts. I'd prefer that they reserved opinion before hand. That hurts less to have someone say "this isn't really my thing" when they never said it was in the first place. Than to have someone be very enthusiastic then change tracks. Makes me trust people even less, makes me even slower to make up my mind. Because I'll want to see if the wind changes first, before I invest. Am I the only one who does this?

09-10-2016, 12:38 PM	#3
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Thank you! I'm learning. I'm finding if I date differently I have fewer problems this way. I no longer date people who smoke pot every day (hard in Vancouver!) I no longer date binge drinkers I no longer date people recently single as they find it too difficult to slow down, mostly. I no longer date repeating serial monogamist daters (from intense monogamous short term relationship to the next. They really, really want to be in a relationship and figure it out on the fly, rather than be single). I no longer date people who have mental health issues that have not been addressed and under treatment for less than five years. I no longer date people who have addiction/drink issues that have not been sober for less than five years. That generally has removed most of the people who rush or pressure me. I'm also very up front that I won't a) move cities b) move in with them. Ever. I'm also just not fond of "new relationship energy." In fact, I hate it. And I'd much rather skip to the part where we are comfortable and less interested in impressing each other. That doesn't come without trust though. So I have to grit my teeth through the bit I loathe... And come across as anti-romantic curmudgeon (unless they have a great sense of irreverent and dark humour, enjoy playful sarcasm and then it's not painful at all, it's fun). Haven't had any luck. But I'm not trying that hard. Have just assumed I'll be single and have been pretty good with it. I'm hoping for someone who wants and will be happy with a lovely relaxed date night once a week between connected and playful individuals. Rather than a live in partner who will look after them and keep their house nice. Lol I'll let you know when hell freezes over.