Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

i called my mom and she was crying when i called her. She is SO down. She still has not slept in the new apartment yet, and just wants me to fix this but not in so many words. She wants me to find her a place here which she knows she cannot afford.

i have to completely distract myself so i don't get wrapped up in her stuff.

[girl_dee]

well my mom is in deep now. This move was the biggest mistake ever. My aunt had to pretty much PUSH her out so she finally slept in the new place.... she hates it.

She is just plain mean at this point. She knows she made a huge mistake, and has no recourse.

i can't fix this , and its killing me. i always fix things when she mucks it up. Part of our dysfunction has been me bailing her out of bad situations. i have to let that go.

Everything in me says to stop contacting her, because her backlash is severe, but i just can't stop reaching out.

[Teddybear]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

i left town, thats the ONLY way my sister to step up, and she has done very very little. When she does she tries to make me feel so horrible for having to do anything for my mom... its passive aggressive or in the way of humor she knows its not funny.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Thank you Tinks!

[kittygrrl]

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Ms Tink

Thank you. She stays by herself for 70 hrs I work from home the other 30+ or so. However she calls me at almost 5 pm daily to see if I have left yet. I'm a salaried employee so there is no such thing as 5 pm leaving. I worked till 8 Thursday night OMG I thought she was going to blow a stack. Once off I had to tell her that there would be days I wouldn't get out tge door at 5 or 530(when I usually leave). I also told her if she did what she said she was going to do I could b home quicker.

We did address that today she flat out refused to leave her home. I can understand that. Her and my dad designed and built this place. It isn't my home. For 14 years I wasn't allowed here. In some ways I hate it.

She is mad at me right now because I am planning on not being here the weekend my gf comes in. It is why my brother has to be here the first weekend of August.

I told my brother last weekend they could alternate. My other brother is 12 hrs away. If he came he would b there with her Saturday until 9-10 Sunday morning. I think they are just thinking I dont want to be with Momma. The truth is THEY need to have this time with her.

My mom told me that she wants to make up for the years I wasn't here. You all know you can't but you can move on and cherish this time together.

Thank you for this outlet. I'm afraid if I didn't have it I would surely let my mouth overload the rest of me.