Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

[Teddybear]

Ms Dee

Let by start by saying thank you for this thread. I responded when you first posted and prayed that it would be years before it ever fell to me to be a caregiver. It was but not long enough.

I have always been afraid that it would be my father I would have to care for and it turns out it is my mother.

I came home when she got sick and thought I would be here a week or two that is now going on 2.5 months.

My job lets me work from home however I am being told I am not doing my job. When I ask what am I not doing I am told you are not here. I see this as a quilt trip from work because now my coworkers r atully having to do their jobs.

I found a job in Atlanta, found an apartment and moved in. The day before I was suppose to start my mom had a break down and I postponed starting for a week.

The night before I was to start I was leaving her house to go to my apartment and I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital. It was bad. I took her to my apartment. We stayed there 2 nights and she couldn't handle it.

So I commute 1.5 to 2 hours one way. I work the job from Dallas when I get home at night and on weekends.

I am stressed to the max. I ask for time for myself and she acts like a 2 yr old.

She refuses to let my brothers stay here unless I am here. I have found out why and I agree.

I know I need time for me and have asked for it. NOw getting my brothers, and or mother to comply is the issue.

My brothers will be here for the 4th of July next weekend and I am hoping to have some time to myself. I will update after the weekend.

I am afraid that as much time as my mom requires will ruin my relationship. My gf understands what I am going thru she went thru it with her mom.

I just wonder how it can survive when we cant have any alone time. She lets us stay here but every waking moment all 3 of us are together. By time its bed time we are so sleepy all we can do is sleep.

How do you tell your parent NO, how do you get them to hear you need time also and not just time to and from work?

I want to thank everyone for allowing me the space to say what I need to say and for any and all suggestions

[girl_dee]

Teddybear...

I was hoping to hear about how things are going.

It seems we have the same.mom.

After this round i have really checked out. I just cant keep putting myself out there.

I hope you can do the same.

Its so painful but allowing anyone to hurt you like this is just not acceptable.

[Chained Daisy]

Truly, my own heartaches for all the heartache I read of here. I went no contact with my own mother for the last year of her life {not that I knew it would be her last at the time} after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse it was the best decision I ever made. I should of done it years before. That said she has been dead 10 years now and as a middle aged woman who has survived more than my fair share of lifes troubles I am still scared of her.....still. Such are the long lasting effects of an abusive childhood. They say the best revenge {if thats what is needed} is to live a good life and thrive, I try, some days are harder and than others. Let your inner voice speak to yourself with kindness, you deserve it.

[Chad]

I am struggling to find balance these days.

My dad raised me to be a provider and handyman. Work ethic was rule number one in my dad's eyes. I can fix mom's car, fix her home, take care of her yard work but caregiver is not easy for me.

I will do the best that I can with my limited experience and ask for help when needed. Asking for help is hard but it will become necessary somtimes.

My goal is to keep mom healthy and happy.

[girl_dee]

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

[Chained Daisy]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you all for posting.

This is definitely a free space to unload and let it go!

i am so tired of feeling guilty for how i feel. Someone once told me that blood doesn't matter when it comes to relationships. If this were anyone else in the world, i would never have put up with this for so long. But because of who she is to me, i do.

It's funny because my mom does not have maternal feelings for her children. It doesn't bother her at all to disown us. Isn't that crazy?

Crazy it is dee, it always amazes me how we manage to be so manipulated and made to feel such guilt for the slightest thing by someone who feels not an ounce of guilt for the endless distress they inflict on us.

[Teddybear]

My mom and I spoke and at the time isn't think she heard me but she did.

She spoke with both my brothers and told them that once a month one of them would be coming to stay with her so I could have some time. She also agreed that when my gf is in town we get at least one day to ourselves.

Now let's see how it pans out

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

i called my mom and she was crying when i called her. She is SO down. She still has not slept in the new apartment yet, and just wants me to fix this but not in so many words. She wants me to find her a place here which she knows she cannot afford.

i have to completely distract myself so i don't get wrapped up in her stuff.

[girl_dee]

well my mom is in deep now. This move was the biggest mistake ever. My aunt had to pretty much PUSH her out so she finally slept in the new place.... she hates it.

She is just plain mean at this point. She knows she made a huge mistake, and has no recourse.

i can't fix this , and its killing me. i always fix things when she mucks it up. Part of our dysfunction has been me bailing her out of bad situations. i have to let that go.

Everything in me says to stop contacting her, because her backlash is severe, but i just can't stop reaching out.

[Teddybear]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

i left town, thats the ONLY way my sister to step up, and she has done very very little. When she does she tries to make me feel so horrible for having to do anything for my mom... its passive aggressive or in the way of humor she knows its not funny.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Thank you Tinks!

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Ms Tink

Thank you. She stays by herself for 70 hrs I work from home the other 30+ or so. However she calls me at almost 5 pm daily to see if I have left yet. I'm a salaried employee so there is no such thing as 5 pm leaving. I worked till 8 Thursday night OMG I thought she was going to blow a stack. Once off I had to tell her that there would be days I wouldn't get out tge door at 5 or 530(when I usually leave). I also told her if she did what she said she was going to do I could b home quicker.

We did address that today she flat out refused to leave her home. I can understand that. Her and my dad designed and built this place. It isn't my home. For 14 years I wasn't allowed here. In some ways I hate it.

She is mad at me right now because I am planning on not being here the weekend my gf comes in. It is why my brother has to be here the first weekend of August.

I told my brother last weekend they could alternate. My other brother is 12 hrs away. If he came he would b there with her Saturday until 9-10 Sunday morning. I think they are just thinking I dont want to be with Momma. The truth is THEY need to have this time with her.

My mom told me that she wants to make up for the years I wasn't here. You all know you can't but you can move on and cherish this time together.

Thank you for this outlet. I'm afraid if I didn't have it I would surely let my mouth overload the rest of me.