The Psychology of Online Dating

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Lyte

You make a valid, if not startling, point.

IF someone did have a PD ... or frankly ... was just an unpleasant person... and found themselves unsuccessful in real life, (friends, lovers and such) ... the internet is a place where they can learn/practice masking their issues. Or masking them sufficiently to have some kind of social life...

Questions...

What part has missing... or, let's be honest ignoring... red flags played in anyone's online dating?...

I certainly wouldn't rule out dating a person who battles depression or PTSD, or has other less serious mental health challenges, but I'm DONE with dating dangerously disordered people! Unfortunately I seem to have had a blind spot for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Both of the women I dated who I had initially met online seem to be grievously afflicted with that disorder. I won't be falling for that one again. There were a few cues I should have heeded in both cases.

The first red flag for the first one should have been when she spent far too many pixels beating her breast while declaiming her honor. That's usually a sign that a person is deficient in that category. She turned out to be a dirt-bag liar, of course. She also changed gears instantly from charming to monstrous the last two dates when we saw each other face to face, which seems to be one of the signature moves of a person with BPD. There were other signs, but we didn't have enough in-person encounters for me to experience the full weight of her mental illness. Thank the Goddess.

In the second case I definitely should have noticed that the butch in question was, according to her, always the completely innocent victim of everyone with whom she had ever been in conflict. That's usually the sign of a person unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. I should have noticed that. She also cried. A LOT. Which left me in a difficult position. I was deeply uncomfortable with her far too frequent tears, but as a feminist I would NEVER have questioned tears shed by a masculine person. That won't happen again. And she, too, changed from pleasant to dangerous in a heartbeat. I experienced her violence once and I fled. I cut off all contact just as I had with the previous BPD butch, but I spooked myself. How could I have been so blind?

Since BPD isn't that easy to spot even in person, and since I seem to find those losers without trying, I'm no longer putting myself at risk with online encounters.