Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

imperfect_cupcake · 09-12-2017, 03:09 PM

Being adopted etc, I used to have this *HUGE* fear of abandonment, like massive. It did make me really co-dependant in relationships, attach to people who needed me to function for them (people with addictions, or addictive traits) etc.
I had a massive no one will *really* love me, not the super deep bits of me, those are the bits no one can love *wallow wallow*, everyone will reject me in the end.

I admit I did have to do a shit tonne of therapy for it. And I did meet my birth parents.

I don't have those thoughts anymore. I have other ones lol, but not those ones anymore.

I realised that there are parts of my self that are actually *my* job to love. And just by me. They are my things for me, of me. My sacred special bits of me that I kept giving to other people and demanding they keep safe for me, it made me really vulnerable in ways that made me insecure. Like asking someone to carrying around your great grandmother hand blown glass christmas decoration all the time and never ever break it.

Basically, I had unreal expectations about other people, love, and responsibilites. I am responsible for those most sacred parts of myself. No one else. Just me. Not my mum, not my birth mum, not my friends, not a partner. Just me. That's it.

I thought that was a horrible and lonely thing at first and then I realised it's not because we all are. ALL of us are. And we can show them to each other. But it belongs in our own shoe boxes, in the centre of our own selves, where we have to feed and water and give it things that make it grow. That's nobody else's job.

And I know if I'm starting to feel too panicky about someone not responding to me, it means I've given them too much vulnerability, too quickly for my own comfort and I'm expecting them to make up for it by reassuring me with what ever response I think I need. But the original error is mine. I'm moving too fast with my own vulnerability for my own sense of comfort. I need more time to build more trust.

That's personally the way I look at it now.

Your milage may vary.

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09-12-2017, 03:09 PM	#35
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Being adopted etc, I used to have this HUGE fear of abandonment, like massive. It did make me really co-dependant in relationships, attach to people who needed me to function for them (people with addictions, or addictive traits) etc. I had a massive no one will really love me, not the super deep bits of me, those are the bits no one can love wallow wallow, everyone will reject me in the end. I admit I did have to do a shit tonne of therapy for it. And I did meet my birth parents. I don't have those thoughts anymore. I have other ones lol, but not those ones anymore. I realised that there are parts of my self that are actually my job to love. And just by me. They are my things for me, of me. My sacred special bits of me that I kept giving to other people and demanding they keep safe for me, it made me really vulnerable in ways that made me insecure. Like asking someone to carrying around your great grandmother hand blown glass christmas decoration all the time and never ever break it. Basically, I had unreal expectations about other people, love, and responsibilites. I am responsible for those most sacred parts of myself. No one else. Just me. Not my mum, not my birth mum, not my friends, not a partner. Just me. That's it. I thought that was a horrible and lonely thing at first and then I realised it's not because we all are. ALL of us are. And we can show them to each other. But it belongs in our own shoe boxes, in the centre of our own selves, where we have to feed and water and give it things that make it grow. That's nobody else's job. And I know if I'm starting to feel too panicky about someone not responding to me, it means I've given them too much vulnerability, too quickly for my own comfort and I'm expecting them to make up for it by reassuring me with what ever response I think I need. But the original error is mine. I'm moving too fast with my own vulnerability for my own sense of comfort. I need more time to build more trust. That's personally the way I look at it now. Your milage may vary.