Negotiating Silence

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by amiyesiam

How can we negotiate better with ourselves and each other as a community?
You asked LOL
1) understand that not everyone has the same ability to put their thoughts into words. (and this has 0 to do with intelligence) So be gentle and understanding. Ask questions.

Yes! Then when they answer REALLY hear them rather than become irritated if it is an opposing viewpoint.

2) realize that others have different views and that not everyone will agree with you.

Disagreeing may be an art form. I find things spin out of control when someone tried to make their truth everyone elses truth.

3) Understand that each human has hundreds and hundreds of character traits. It is not possible to find someone who will agree with you on everything.

We've all walked different miles. Great point!

4) the more we divide ourselves, the more we hurt each other.

We hurt ourselves in the process.

5) spend more time focused on what we have in common rather than what makes us different.

I'd like to add that celebrating our differences is a wonderful thing in a community as diverse as ours.

6) start realizing most people are good decent folks doing the best they can in life.

More support/less judgment. Great idea.

7) realize some folks need a cause, a battle, a challenge, a debate

I think all of the above are great things, not bad things. With the exception of battles. When we have causes we are passionate about them. When we challenge others and ourselves we grow. When we debate we grow. When me battle dissenting opinions that is not necessarily a bad thing, I think it depends situationally.

8) make an effort to take people seriously, believe people when they say they are not trying to be negative
(cause ya know, no matter what the words say, when we read we add the tone, snark etc.)

Tone is hard in an online format. I have to work hard to post nice sometimes because even though I am not being snarky intentionally it could be perceived that way. Preview before hitting send. Discuss with friends to get their read on it before posting.

9) when folks say: I am not trying to be "whatever" and people come back and say yes you are, it can really be fustrating, which can lead to people snapping.

Yes. I get that feeling Gemme mentioned when this happens.

gratuitous smiles so this will post.

[Lynn]

A lot of good stuff has been said already.

What silences me is sarcasm and joking in the middle of a real discussion, where people are sharing honestly, the best they can. Also, self-rightgeous indignation, where, based on one comment, or even a nuance, someone feels they can just jump all over another poster for being WRONG. I would not be inclined to get into the middle of a thread with either of those conditions.

On line is a weird thing to me. I can't see your face, but if I think you're laughing at me or not taking me seriously, then I don't want to play. If you are going to jump on me and judge me before really hearing what I have to say, then I'll tend to shut up. That's my issue, but I'm not apt to persist in those cases. I like to think about things, and be heard when I think something is important, but not enough to step into a river of crocodiles.

On line communities have different characteristics, I think. But, they're all made up of people. I think it's unrealistic to think that any group is going to develop flawlessly, without work and commitment.

For me, it is not silencing to ask that the tone of a thread be respected so that the individuals to whom the thread pertains can interact. I read and hold opinions about lots of topics, but you will see me participating with great caution in a thread that does not have to do with me, personally. I find that to be respectful, and asking the same of others in the threads about me does not seem silencing. It's respecting the diversity of the community.